10 yo doesn't eat when at dad's - what should I do, if anything?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't read all the comments, but this is a weird thing to want to control, OP. Just let it go. Your kid is old enough to make their own food when they get home if they want it. Stop trying to orchestrate their time together or control your ex's actions.

Agree. This shouldn't be a big deal at all. It sounds like your main issue is having to think about making your child a sandwich when he comes home cuts into your "free" time. Giving one child something to eat should not take up any mental energy from you. You sound pretty selfish and bitter.

No, mom should tell kid to eat at Dad's or no meal at home. Simple.

No, this is using child as a weapon and playing games with ex. Child gets to pick when he eats. This is so beyond stupid and a non-issue that bitter divorced parents like to fight over.

Different poster - I don’t agree with putting kids in the middle...but I also don’t agree kids get to pick...when they eat within reason. I think not eating the Bento box mom packed is outside of reasonableness. I think not finding something to eat at the takeout place dad suggested is outside of reasonableness. I think not picking something mom suggests to eat is outside of reasonableness. I think offering food bw 7-8 is outside reasonableness. (Eating dinner bw 7-8 is reasonable and skipping lunch is also within the realm of reasonableness). Expecting a big, elaborate dinner at 9:30 isn’t reasonable, for example.

A 10 Yr old doesn’t need to take a bento box to dad’s house. He either eats whatever is at dad’s house or he can help himself to what is in the frig when he comes home. Mom isn’t expected to cook a big elaborate meal and she knows that. She is making this an issue bc that what too many divorced parents do. They like to pick fights over petty things and spend a lot of money in court. Go for it OP. Get a court order

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't read all the comments, but this is a weird thing to want to control, OP. Just let it go. Your kid is old enough to make their own food when they get home if they want it. Stop trying to orchestrate their time together or control your ex's actions.

Agree. This shouldn't be a big deal at all. It sounds like your main issue is having to think about making your child a sandwich when he comes home cuts into your "free" time. Giving one child something to eat should not take up any mental energy from you. You sound pretty selfish and bitter.

No, mom should tell kid to eat at Dad's or no meal at home. Simple.

No, this is using child as a weapon and playing games with ex. Child gets to pick when he eats. This is so beyond stupid and a non-issue that bitter divorced parents like to fight over.

Different poster - I don’t agree with putting kids in the middle...but I also don’t agree kids get to pick...when they eat within reason. I think not eating the Bento box mom packed is outside of reasonableness. I think not finding something to eat at the takeout place dad suggested is outside of reasonableness. I think not picking something mom suggests to eat is outside of reasonableness. I think offering food bw 7-8 is outside reasonableness. (Eating dinner bw 7-8 is reasonable and skipping lunch is also within the realm of reasonableness). Expecting a big, elaborate dinner at 9:30 isn’t reasonable, for example.

A 10 Yr old doesn’t need to take a bento box to dad’s house. He either eats whatever is at dad’s house or he can help himself to what is in the frig when he comes home. Mom isn’t expected to cook a big elaborate meal and she knows that. She is making this an issue bc that what too many divorced parents do. They like to pick fights over petty things and spend a lot of money in court. Go for it OP. Get a court order

Dad is offering food. Even if mom sent food kid probably would not eat because of the video games. Both parents need to fix this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, call Dad. Tell him child gets difficult after 2-3 hours of video games. (which at that age is normal). Ask him to do 2-3 hours, take a break for a meal and another activity and then back to video games. No video games until child at a minimum has eaten. You need to talk to him, not us. You also need to support Dad and reinforce that if child doesn't eat at Dad's then no meal at home. And, if he doesn't behave with Dad there are consequences at your home. The only way this will work is if you both work together. If you don't have a history of working together, you need to extend yourself and find a way for your son's sake. This is only going to get worse without firm limits when he gets older if you and Dad don't manage this now. Dad needs to feel like he can be a Dad and not this child's friend. And, you need to allow him to do it and not sabotage him, if he's willing and able.

Mom never said this. More controlling behavior is not going to fix anything.

Mom implied it as she said that the child didn't want to stop video games. It is very common at that age so yes, the child is being difficult. Dad is caving in to child's behavior and Mom supports the behavior by fixing the situation (food) afterward.

So, she tells Dad to feed the kid (his choice how at dinner time) and both parents say eat now or there is no food later. Really, its simple. We do that with our similar age child. The issue is both parents aren't parenting together, same rules, same expectations and Dad isn't really a dad but a friend or uncle kid occasionally visits.

She actually never said he doesn’t eat because he is playing video games the whole time. This was a guess. There were other guesses - kid is shy, kid is uncomfortable around dad, dad suggests his restaurant picks versus kid’s, etc. regardless, none of those suggested reasons why, confirm kid gets “difficult” after 2-3 hours of video games. That’s a lie.

You’re a two parent household and coparent seemingly well. This is not a two parent household and they do not coparent well. That doesn’t give her the right to control his time with the kid. Of course, it’s preferred he eats a healthy meal, around a meal time and isn’t playing gobs of video games, but none of those things are her battle to fight, she can’t control him or how he spends his time...so she needs to fix her attitude towards the situation.

She has every right to say feed kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I think some PPs are thinking too much into the situation.
I have already thought of a few solutions. I will send fruit/veggie snacks, take a walk around the neighborhood with DS to show him the nearby food options, and have something for him at home (he doesn't like sandwiches but I will think of stuff he himself can quickly fix if he wants).
The topic really helped me understand stuff and work out some solutions. Dad is not reliable, kid is not reliable (well he is 10 so that's understandable), so asking them to do this or that doesn't work in this case. I will make it easier for kid to not be hungry, the rest is his choice. 8 hrs of no food aren't gonna kill him, plus he will have snacks.

A 10 year old can feed themself. Stop babying him. Talk to dad and let him handle it. Dad will never learn to handle it if you don’t let him and support him. You are part of the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, call Dad. Tell him child gets difficult after 2-3 hours of video games. (which at that age is normal). Ask him to do 2-3 hours, take a break for a meal and another activity and then back to video games. No video games until child at a minimum has eaten. You need to talk to him, not us. You also need to support Dad and reinforce that if child doesn't eat at Dad's then no meal at home. And, if he doesn't behave with Dad there are consequences at your home. The only way this will work is if you both work together. If you don't have a history of working together, you need to extend yourself and find a way for your son's sake. This is only going to get worse without firm limits when he gets older if you and Dad don't manage this now. Dad needs to feel like he can be a Dad and not this child's friend. And, you need to allow him to do it and not sabotage him, if he's willing and able.

Mom never said this. More controlling behavior is not going to fix anything.

Mom implied it as she said that the child didn't want to stop video games. It is very common at that age so yes, the child is being difficult. Dad is caving in to child's behavior and Mom supports the behavior by fixing the situation (food) afterward.

So, she tells Dad to feed the kid (his choice how at dinner time) and both parents say eat now or there is no food later. Really, its simple. We do that with our similar age child. The issue is both parents aren't parenting together, same rules, same expectations and Dad isn't really a dad but a friend or uncle kid occasionally visits.

She actually never said he doesn’t eat because he is playing video games the whole time. This was a guess. There were other guesses - kid is shy, kid is uncomfortable around dad, dad suggests his restaurant picks versus kid’s, etc. regardless, none of those suggested reasons why, confirm kid gets “difficult” after 2-3 hours of video games. That’s a lie.

You’re a two parent household and coparent seemingly well. This is not a two parent household and they do not coparent well. That doesn’t give her the right to control his time with the kid. Of course, it’s preferred he eats a healthy meal, around a meal time and isn’t playing gobs of video games, but none of those things are her battle to fight, she can’t control him or how he spends his time...so she needs to fix her attitude towards the situation.

She has every right to say feed kid.

No, she doesn’t and here is why: mom isn’t saying dad is withholding food. She’s saying kid is refusing food. That’s completely different from dad not offering food. She is assuming - but had no idea - it may be related to video games. She also assumes it could be because it’s dad’s restaurant picks. She also knows kid doesn’t eat food she’s sending. The truth is that she agrees dad is offering food, she’s sending food and kid is refusing food. The other truth is they kid eats when he gets home AND she said she can come up with something for kid to eat when he gets home that isn’t too troublesome OR will point out some restaurants she can suggest kid to tell dad to take him to.

Done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, call Dad. Tell him child gets difficult after 2-3 hours of video games. (which at that age is normal). Ask him to do 2-3 hours, take a break for a meal and another activity and then back to video games. No video games until child at a minimum has eaten. You need to talk to him, not us. You also need to support Dad and reinforce that if child doesn't eat at Dad's then no meal at home. And, if he doesn't behave with Dad there are consequences at your home. The only way this will work is if you both work together. If you don't have a history of working together, you need to extend yourself and find a way for your son's sake. This is only going to get worse without firm limits when he gets older if you and Dad don't manage this now. Dad needs to feel like he can be a Dad and not this child's friend. And, you need to allow him to do it and not sabotage him, if he's willing and able.

Mom never said this. More controlling behavior is not going to fix anything.

Mom implied it as she said that the child didn't want to stop video games. It is very common at that age so yes, the child is being difficult. Dad is caving in to child's behavior and Mom supports the behavior by fixing the situation (food) afterward.

So, she tells Dad to feed the kid (his choice how at dinner time) and both parents say eat now or there is no food later. Really, its simple. We do that with our similar age child. The issue is both parents aren't parenting together, same rules, same expectations and Dad isn't really a dad but a friend or uncle kid occasionally visits.

She actually never said he doesn’t eat because he is playing video games the whole time. This was a guess. There were other guesses - kid is shy, kid is uncomfortable around dad, dad suggests his restaurant picks versus kid’s, etc. regardless, none of those suggested reasons why, confirm kid gets “difficult” after 2-3 hours of video games. That’s a lie.

You’re a two parent household and coparent seemingly well. This is not a two parent household and they do not coparent well. That doesn’t give her the right to control his time with the kid. Of course, it’s preferred he eats a healthy meal, around a meal time and isn’t playing gobs of video games, but none of those things are her battle to fight, she can’t control him or how he spends his time...so she needs to fix her attitude towards the situation.

She has every right to say feed kid.

No. Dad has a responsibility to provide food and have food available in the house. Just as mom is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This was me! My mom actually still talks about it (that I would come home hungry from my dad’s - either the weekend with him or every Weds. dinner), which makes me feel guilty to this day. My father and I were not and are not close, though I spent that mandated time with him. Because my dad didn’t seem to particularly like me, I was very nervous around him and simply was not interested in eating in his presence. My dad wasn’t awful with me or anything, he just made me uncomfortable.
Please don’t make your DC feel badly because he doesn’t want to eat with his father. Your DC is dealing with so much already (because you and his father couldn’t work out your adult sh-t), please don’t begrudge him eating meals when he is comfortable enough to eat them. Seriously, I understand that divorce sucks for everyone but it sucks more for your kid.

You begrudge your mom for making you feel guilty but trying to blame the parents for divorce? The irony!

Why is everyone picking on this poster? She makes a very logical and kind response based on her *actual* experience. I thought it was a very useful perspective. -not OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't read all the comments, but this is a weird thing to want to control, OP. Just let it go. Your kid is old enough to make their own food when they get home if they want it. Stop trying to orchestrate their time together or control your ex's actions.

Agree. This shouldn't be a big deal at all. It sounds like your main issue is having to think about making your child a sandwich when he comes home cuts into your "free" time. Giving one child something to eat should not take up any mental energy from you. You sound pretty selfish and bitter.

No, mom should tell kid to eat at Dad's or no meal at home. Simple.

No, this is using child as a weapon and playing games with ex. Child gets to pick when he eats. This is so beyond stupid and a non-issue that bitter divorced parents like to fight over.

OP here: to be clear I never said I would not give him food when he gets home. As long as it's easy to fix and preferably if he can do it - he is welcome to eat!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't read all the comments, but this is a weird thing to want to control, OP. Just let it go. Your kid is old enough to make their own food when they get home if they want it. Stop trying to orchestrate their time together or control your ex's actions.

Agree. This shouldn't be a big deal at all. It sounds like your main issue is having to think about making your child a sandwich when he comes home cuts into your "free" time. Giving one child something to eat should not take up any mental energy from you. You sound pretty selfish and bitter.

No, mom should tell kid to eat at Dad's or no meal at home. Simple.

No, this is using child as a weapon and playing games with ex. Child gets to pick when he eats. This is so beyond stupid and a non-issue that bitter divorced parents like to fight over.

Different poster - I don’t agree with putting kids in the middle...but I also don’t agree kids get to pick...when they eat within reason. I think not eating the Bento box mom packed is outside of reasonableness. I think not finding something to eat at the takeout place dad suggested is outside of reasonableness. I think not picking something mom suggests to eat is outside of reasonableness. I think offering food bw 7-8 is outside reasonableness. (Eating dinner bw 7-8 is reasonable and skipping lunch is also within the realm of reasonableness). Expecting a big, elaborate dinner at 9:30 isn’t reasonable, for example.

OP here: it's fine by me if he doesn't eat what I packed, for whatever reason. It's also not that he can't find anything to eat at a restaurant. He is too lazy to go there and dad doesn't insist. I asked if I should let it go, was told yes, so I am letting it go. I am not sure where PP gets the ideas she writes about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't read all the comments, but this is a weird thing to want to control, OP. Just let it go. Your kid is old enough to make their own food when they get home if they want it. Stop trying to orchestrate their time together or control your ex's actions.

Agree. This shouldn't be a big deal at all. It sounds like your main issue is having to think about making your child a sandwich when he comes home cuts into your "free" time. Giving one child something to eat should not take up any mental energy from you. You sound pretty selfish and bitter.

No, mom should tell kid to eat at Dad's or no meal at home. Simple.

No, this is using child as a weapon and playing games with ex. Child gets to pick when he eats. This is so beyond stupid and a non-issue that bitter divorced parents like to fight over.

Different poster - I don’t agree with putting kids in the middle...but I also don’t agree kids get to pick...when they eat within reason. I think not eating the Bento box mom packed is outside of reasonableness. I think not finding something to eat at the takeout place dad suggested is outside of reasonableness. I think not picking something mom suggests to eat is outside of reasonableness. I think offering food bw 7-8 is outside reasonableness. (Eating dinner bw 7-8 is reasonable and skipping lunch is also within the realm of reasonableness). Expecting a big, elaborate dinner at 9:30 isn’t reasonable, for example.

A 10 Yr old doesn’t need to take a bento box to dad’s house. He either eats whatever is at dad’s house or he can help himself to what is in the frig when he comes home. Mom isn’t expected to cook a big elaborate meal and she knows that. She is making this an issue bc that what too many divorced parents do. They like to pick fights over petty things and spend a lot of money in court. Go for it OP. Get a court order

OMG this is ridiculous PP. Are you projecting???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't read all the comments, but this is a weird thing to want to control, OP. Just let it go. Your kid is old enough to make their own food when they get home if they want it. Stop trying to orchestrate their time together or control your ex's actions.

Agree. This shouldn't be a big deal at all. It sounds like your main issue is having to think about making your child a sandwich when he comes home cuts into your "free" time. Giving one child something to eat should not take up any mental energy from you. You sound pretty selfish and bitter.

No, mom should tell kid to eat at Dad's or no meal at home. Simple.

No, this is using child as a weapon and playing games with ex. Child gets to pick when he eats. This is so beyond stupid and a non-issue that bitter divorced parents like to fight over.

Different poster - I don’t agree with putting kids in the middle...but I also don’t agree kids get to pick...when they eat within reason. I think not eating the Bento box mom packed is outside of reasonableness. I think not finding something to eat at the takeout place dad suggested is outside of reasonableness. I think not picking something mom suggests to eat is outside of reasonableness. I think offering food bw 7-8 is outside reasonableness. (Eating dinner bw 7-8 is reasonable and skipping lunch is also within the realm of reasonableness). Expecting a big, elaborate dinner at 9:30 isn’t reasonable, for example.

A 10 Yr old doesn’t need to take a bento box to dad’s house. He either eats whatever is at dad’s house or he can help himself to what is in the frig when he comes home. Mom isn’t expected to cook a big elaborate meal and she knows that. She is making this an issue bc that what too many divorced parents do. They like to pick fights over petty things and spend a lot of money in court. Go for it OP. Get a court order

Dad is offering food. Even if mom sent food kid probably would not eat because of the video games. Both parents need to fix this.

OP here: I have asked my ex multiple times to just make him stop playing (DS is actually easy in this regard, doesn't put up a fight, but requires pretty firm requests). He has refused. I have let it go a long time ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I think some PPs are thinking too much into the situation.
I have already thought of a few solutions. I will send fruit/veggie snacks, take a walk around the neighborhood with DS to show him the nearby food options, and have something for him at home (he doesn't like sandwiches but I will think of stuff he himself can quickly fix if he wants).
The topic really helped me understand stuff and work out some solutions. Dad is not reliable, kid is not reliable (well he is 10 so that's understandable), so asking them to do this or that doesn't work in this case. I will make it easier for kid to not be hungry, the rest is his choice. 8 hrs of no food aren't gonna kill him, plus he will have snacks.

A 10 year old can feed themself. Stop babying him. Talk to dad and let him handle it. Dad will never learn to handle it if you don’t let him and support him. You are part of the problem.

Dad doesn't want any of my suggestions. I have let it go and am looking for other solutions, which I have found.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, call Dad. Tell him child gets difficult after 2-3 hours of video games. (which at that age is normal). Ask him to do 2-3 hours, take a break for a meal and another activity and then back to video games. No video games until child at a minimum has eaten. You need to talk to him, not us. You also need to support Dad and reinforce that if child doesn't eat at Dad's then no meal at home. And, if he doesn't behave with Dad there are consequences at your home. The only way this will work is if you both work together. If you don't have a history of working together, you need to extend yourself and find a way for your son's sake. This is only going to get worse without firm limits when he gets older if you and Dad don't manage this now. Dad needs to feel like he can be a Dad and not this child's friend. And, you need to allow him to do it and not sabotage him, if he's willing and able.

Mom never said this. More controlling behavior is not going to fix anything.

Mom implied it as she said that the child didn't want to stop video games. It is very common at that age so yes, the child is being difficult. Dad is caving in to child's behavior and Mom supports the behavior by fixing the situation (food) afterward.

So, she tells Dad to feed the kid (his choice how at dinner time) and both parents say eat now or there is no food later. Really, its simple. We do that with our similar age child. The issue is both parents aren't parenting together, same rules, same expectations and Dad isn't really a dad but a friend or uncle kid occasionally visits.

She actually never said he doesn’t eat because he is playing video games the whole time. This was a guess. There were other guesses - kid is shy, kid is uncomfortable around dad, dad suggests his restaurant picks versus kid’s, etc. regardless, none of those suggested reasons why, confirm kid gets “difficult” after 2-3 hours of video games. That’s a lie.

You’re a two parent household and coparent seemingly well. This is not a two parent household and they do not coparent well. That doesn’t give her the right to control his time with the kid. Of course, it’s preferred he eats a healthy meal, around a meal time and isn’t playing gobs of video games, but none of those things are her battle to fight, she can’t control him or how he spends his time...so she needs to fix her attitude towards the situation.

She has every right to say feed kid.

No, she doesn’t and here is why: mom isn’t saying dad is withholding food. She’s saying kid is refusing food. That’s completely different from dad not offering food. She is assuming - but had no idea - it may be related to video games. She also assumes it could be because it’s dad’s restaurant picks. She also knows kid doesn’t eat food she’s sending. The truth is that she agrees dad is offering food, she’s sending food and kid is refusing food. The other truth is they kid eats when he gets home AND she said she can come up with something for kid to eat when he gets home that isn’t too troublesome OR will point out some restaurants she can suggest kid to tell dad to take him to.

Done.

thanks PP, exactly this. -OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He can either say he's hungry at dads and they can get a pizza delivered or he can make himself something when he comes home.

This. If Dad won’t feed a hungry kid, you have a different problem. But it sounds like kids isn’t bothering to eat and dad isn’t bothering to feed him because they both know you’ll step in. So don’t and let them figure it out. It’s after dinner time and you’re not cooking. A 10 year old can absolutely nuke leftovers or make cheese toast to eat with fruit while you keep an eye on him. So back off and let dad and son work it out.

As a woman, this drives me nuts. Dad can’t parent if you are always going behind him undoing, redoing, correcting or saving the day. Stop enabling his learned helplessness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I think some PPs are thinking too much into the situation.
I have already thought of a few solutions. I will send fruit/veggie snacks, take a walk around the neighborhood with DS to show him the nearby food options, and have something for him at home (he doesn't like sandwiches but I will think of stuff he himself can quickly fix if he wants).
The topic really helped me understand stuff and work out some solutions. Dad is not reliable, kid is not reliable (well he is 10 so that's understandable), so asking them to do this or that doesn't work in this case. I will make it easier for kid to not be hungry, the rest is his choice. 8 hrs of no food aren't gonna kill him, plus he will have snacks.

A 10 year old can feed themself. Stop babying him. Talk to dad and let him handle it. Dad will never learn to handle it if you don’t let him and support him. You are part of the problem.

Dad doesn't want any of my suggestions. I have let it go and am looking for other solutions, which I have found.

Then tell your kid if you don’t eat at dads no dinner at your home or something they don’t want. If he is hungry enough he will eat what ever. Stop babying him. He will not starve one night.