10 yo doesn't eat when at dad's - what should I do, if anything?

[Anonymous]

^^Why can't you find actual science by actual scientists that proves your point? Hmm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This was me! My mom actually still talks about it (that I would come home hungry from my dad’s - either the weekend with him or every Weds. dinner), which makes me feel guilty to this day. My father and I were not and are not close, though I spent that mandated time with him. Because my dad didn’t seem to particularly like me, I was very nervous around him and simply was not interested in eating in his presence. My dad wasn’t awful with me or anything, he just made me uncomfortable.
Please don’t make your DC feel badly because he doesn’t want to eat with his father. Your DC is dealing with so much already (because you and his father couldn’t work out your adult sh-t), please don’t begrudge him eating meals when he is comfortable enough to eat them. Seriously, I understand that divorce sucks for everyone but it sucks more for your kid.

You begrudge your mom for making you feel guilty but trying to blame the parents for divorce? The irony!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pp: and it’s not that food wasn’t provided for me when I was with my dad, but I was too anxious to be interested in eating around him.

Op here: but he did eat before. He did try to pull this “I am not hungry” stuff before too, but then he would eventually go out/eat what was prepared.
I try not to blame him, but it’s hard; maybe this topic will help me see it as less of a capricious behavior and more of a legit thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This was me! My mom actually still talks about it (that I would come home hungry from my dad’s - either the weekend with him or every Weds. dinner), which makes me feel guilty to this day. My father and I were not and are not close, though I spent that mandated time with him. Because my dad didn’t seem to particularly like me, I was very nervous around him and simply was not interested in eating in his presence. My dad wasn’t awful with me or anything, he just made me uncomfortable.
Please don’t make your DC feel badly because he doesn’t want to eat with his father. Your DC is dealing with so much already (because you and his father couldn’t work out your adult sh-t), please don’t begrudge him eating meals when he is comfortable enough to eat them. Seriously, I understand that divorce sucks for everyone but it sucks more for your kid.

Maybe he was uncomfortable as he was basically a babysitter every few weeks vs a dad and did not get the opportunity to have that relationship. He knew your mom grilled you when you got home and any minor wrong doing or thing she could put a negative spin on she’d get you to say to use it against him.

Pp you’re responding to: interesting point but no. My mom didn’t ‘grill’ me and never spoke poorly about him. Not to say that can’t be the case with OP’s DS, but it wasn’t with me.

OP here: not the case with me either. As I said we are fairy civil.

[Anonymous]

I didn't read all the comments, but this is a weird thing to want to control, OP. Just let it go. Your kid is old enough to make their own food when they get home if they want it. Stop trying to orchestrate their time together or control your ex's actions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This was me! My mom actually still talks about it (that I would come home hungry from my dad’s - either the weekend with him or every Weds. dinner), which makes me feel guilty to this day. My father and I were not and are not close, though I spent that mandated time with him. Because my dad didn’t seem to particularly like me, I was very nervous around him and simply was not interested in eating in his presence. My dad wasn’t awful with me or anything, he just made me uncomfortable.
Please don’t make your DC feel badly because he doesn’t want to eat with his father. Your DC is dealing with so much already (because you and his father couldn’t work out your adult sh-t), please don’t begrudge him eating meals when he is comfortable enough to eat them. Seriously, I understand that divorce sucks for everyone but it sucks more for your kid.

The kid is too busy playing video games. It’s normal at that age. Dad needs to turn it off and say no more till you eat.

OP here: that’s what I do if eating involves getting takeout. No more books or g*d forbid videogames until you get ready and we go get food.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn't read all the comments, but this is a weird thing to want to control, OP. Just let it go. Your kid is old enough to make their own food when they get home if they want it. Stop trying to orchestrate their time together or control your ex's actions.

I have been thinking about it, and I will just offer some no frills food at home. It does annoy me that I need to think about it on the days when I am supposed to be “free” from parenting, but that’s fine, I will live.

I also just had an idea. Maybe some day when I do pickup or drop off we could go check out restaurants around dad’s house. It may give our kid some ideas if dad asks him where he wants to go get dinner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This was me! My mom actually still talks about it (that I would come home hungry from my dad’s - either the weekend with him or every Weds. dinner), which makes me feel guilty to this day. My father and I were not and are not close, though I spent that mandated time with him. Because my dad didn’t seem to particularly like me, I was very nervous around him and simply was not interested in eating in his presence. My dad wasn’t awful with me or anything, he just made me uncomfortable.
Please don’t make your DC feel badly because he doesn’t want to eat with his father. Your DC is dealing with so much already (because you and his father couldn’t work out your adult sh-t), please don’t begrudge him eating meals when he is comfortable enough to eat them. Seriously, I understand that divorce sucks for everyone but it sucks more for your kid.

The kid is too busy playing video games. It’s normal at that age. Dad needs to turn it off and say no more till you eat.

Or maybe kids should be allowed to refrain from visiting if they don’t want to? They’re people too.

OP here: kid actually likes being at dad’s because unlimited screentime.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Shy kid, right? Maybe still a bit awkward with the dynamic and trying to keep things peaceful?

This! Your kid should not have to perform for you so that you don’t have to feel badly about your divorce - sorry!

IMHO you are thinking too much into it. I know some people are anti divorce in principle and that skews their judgement but really?

[Anonymous]

OP here: I wrote above about exploring neighborhood places to eat, the more I think of it the better idea it seems. It is very likely that dad asks him what he wants to eat and he just doesn’t know. Dad is high maintenance too: they once ordered from a place DS knew and dad was moaning about the delivery fee later - to me, but DS could have heard it too.
Another time dad ordered a personal pizza for DS and then complained to me about the total cost.
I know not to let it get to me and tell DS so, but of course he takes it closer to heart... btw my ex didn’t become this way after divorce, he became pretty hard to deal with half way through marriage but I digress...

[Anonymous]

Op here again: I also want them to eat together because it’s about the only time they actually socialize and maybe even take a walk! They used to play videogames together but DS is less interested lately according to my ex. This is a separate problem and I have let it go after a few years of suggesting ideas of them spending time together. But it’s the same dynamic: “DS said he didn’t want to go so we didn’t go”. Dad does “force” some walks/hikes to be fair, but not too often.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This was me! My mom actually still talks about it (that I would come home hungry from my dad’s - either the weekend with him or every Weds. dinner), which makes me feel guilty to this day. My father and I were not and are not close, though I spent that mandated time with him. Because my dad didn’t seem to particularly like me, I was very nervous around him and simply was not interested in eating in his presence. My dad wasn’t awful with me or anything, he just made me uncomfortable.
Please don’t make your DC feel badly because he doesn’t want to eat with his father. Your DC is dealing with so much already (because you and his father couldn’t work out your adult sh-t), please don’t begrudge him eating meals when he is comfortable enough to eat them. Seriously, I understand that divorce sucks for everyone but it sucks more for your kid.

Maybe he was uncomfortable as he was basically a babysitter every few weeks vs a dad and did not get the opportunity to have that relationship. He knew your mom grilled you when you got home and any minor wrong doing or thing she could put a negative spin on she’d get you to say to use it against him.

Pp you’re responding to: interesting point but no. My mom didn’t ‘grill’ me and never spoke poorly about him. Not to say that can’t be the case with OP’s DS, but it wasn’t with me.

Disregard that pp. I suspect she is the one that always has to be contrary to all. No doubt if someone posted, "I am the dad and found my ex's post on dcum" she would tear him apart too. That is what she does. She is a miserable, depressed person that can't ever post a single positive post. No doubt she is attacking the victim on the other thread that we have on Family repationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: I wrote above about exploring neighborhood places to eat, the more I think of it the better idea it seems. It is very likely that dad asks him what he wants to eat and he just doesn’t know. Dad is high maintenance too: they once ordered from a place DS knew and dad was moaning about the delivery fee later - to me, but DS could have heard it too.
Another time dad ordered a personal pizza for DS and then complained to me about the total cost.
I know not to let it get to me and tell DS so, but of course he takes it closer to heart... btw my ex didn’t become this way after divorce, he became pretty hard to deal with half way through marriage but I digress...

In other words, your kid feels guilty about spending the money. I suspected so much. I am the one that posted how typically male behavior this is. But, notice the typical dcum responses, you need to talk to your kid about what is going on at dad? Maybe your kid is a brat, and YOU need to talk to him? The kid is a kid, and yet, some of these dcum shrews would rather find fault with a 10-year-old who sounds like a very nice kid and with you, rather than with the man. Telling, right? Given that majority of PPS here are women?

[Anonymous]

OP here: I didn’t really put 2 and 2 together before today regarding complaints about delivery costs! They have been going out to eat for years (incl when we were still married) and cost didn’t seem to be a problem though.
Oh and I am now thinking that it also has to be a restaurant that dad likes or at least approves of - he won’t just buy him Taco Bell - which is not so bad but makes choice complicated for a 10 yo in an unfamiliar location, I guess!
So it’s a number of factors I guess. High maintenance dad and a shy kid who has access to video games - a winning combo

[Anonymous]

Don’t try to micromanage their time together. Let it be. Your kid is 10, not 3. Let him grab something when he gets done if he wants. Don’t make a meal, he can make a sandwich.

My kids are 10 and 13 and I’m married. When I’m gone, DH doesn’t think about meals unless he’s hungry. He’s a good guy but not going to change. He will do the same, tell me he asked and they weren’t hungry so he didn’t make anything. At their ages they are more than capable of grabbing something if they want to eat. It took me over 20 years of marriage and about 10 years of having kids to get a more relaxed attitude about this.