sister just told me about disturbing childhood events

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not OP, but had a creepy step dad.

He didn’t rape me, or exactly fondle me, but here’s the things that did happen on a daily basis:
-he would “tuck me in at night” starting at age 12. But this entailed him getting into bed with me, often wearing nothing but his underwear and me in nothing but mine snd we would “cuddle”
-he would ask for details about my sexuality and want to discuss it daily (how often I masturbated and with what, and as I got older, what things I was doing with boys)
-he “accidentally” touched my breasts probably a dozen times over a dozen years
-he would share details about his intimacy with my mom, including things that were not vanilla
-he would ask me to give him massages on a daily basis. Mostly his back and hands
-he would massage me, including my upper thigh area, on a daily basis
-my mom would leave me alone with him for weeks at a time, and he would say things like that I was a younger version of my mom and that I would “take care of him” while she was gone. Taking care of him meant staying up with him into the wee hours of the night while he became extremely drunk, often culminating in him grabbing me in a sexual way (my butt, boobs, or just bizarre long inappropriate full body hugs that lasted minutes, sometimes while pulling me into bed with him)

But he never raped me or touched my vagina, so it’s hard to explain what this was. I believe it was abuse and very wrong, but it’s all more subtle than what I think people think of as abuse.

I wonder if OP’s stepdad was similar.

NP. This was child abuse, grooming, sexual harassment, and a type of sexual abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. i know it’s weird to switch sides but i’ve seen it done before on here and i wanted to know without bias of being me if her reaction was weird or understandable or normal. i def received a lot of messages about things being in my head - my mother definitelystifled the discusióons when i tried to voice to her - - to the point where i’ve wondered if i made stuff up but i was absolutely clear even then how not okay it was. to me her response felt unbelievably cruel and not surprising.

i don’t feel okay at all talking about this in detail even anonymously but similar to what PP experienced with the similar situation, although he never told me i would take care of him when my mother died. it doesn’t feel quite like abuse per se and it’s def not rape.

pp my stepdad saved my mother from a difficult situaron esp financially and i know that. i also don’t think people would believe me (because my mother first and now maybe my sister) didn’t.

i do feel an obligation to her kids. as i told her i never intended to tell her unless i suspected it was going on with her too or when her kids were old enough. - i ended by saying i suggest she be careful. and honestly the idea of discussing this with her is so mortifying... i only recently felt comfortable enough to tell my therapist!

Stop playing games. You are as much of a problem as they is. Terminate the relationships and move on. Your mom and stepdad aren't going to change and your sister probably saw it and didn't care or she's obvious and doesn't care and you are not going to change her or save her kids.

I have rarely seen such a clear example of victim blaming as the bolded. Really, she is "as much" or a problem because why exactly? Because she is grappling with a bad situation from the past and a bad situation in the present and doesn't immediatley know the "perfect" way to handle it? Wow.

[Anonymous]

op here - it’s hard because i actually do blame myself at the same time i know that is ridiculous intellectually. and it’s not as easy as severing contact- i have a small family and distancing myself from my parents (which i have done since i left for college but not completely) is it’s own pain... maybe it’s messed up but i love parents esp my mother. it was wrong she didn’t listen to me but... she did what she could with what she had. as a mother i have thought about how i’d handle this a lot and i would leave my husband in an instant but i also have the means to do that and take care of my kids. i think for her it was a matter of survival.

i even feel weird upsetting my sisters life because what does that help especially if nothing ever happens (is it weird i would bet it wont?)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:op here - it’s hard because i actually do blame myself at the same time i know that is ridiculous intellectually. and it’s not as easy as severing contact- i have a small family and distancing myself from my parents (which i have done since i left for college but not completely) is it’s own pain... maybe it’s messed up but i love parents esp my mother. it was wrong she didn’t listen to me but... she did what she could with what she had. as a mother i have thought about how i’d handle this a lot and i would leave my husband in an instant but i also have the means to do that and take care of my kids. i think for her it was a matter of survival.

i even feel weird upsetting my sisters life because what does that help especially if nothing ever happens (is it weird i would bet it wont?)

Stop playing games. You already started to tell her so just tell her already. She probably knows.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. i know it’s weird to switch sides but i’ve seen it done before on here and i wanted to know without bias of being me if her reaction was weird or understandable or normal. i def received a lot of messages about things being in my head - my mother definitelystifled the discusióons when i tried to voice to her - - to the point where i’ve wondered if i made stuff up but i was absolutely clear even then how not okay it was. to me her response felt unbelievably cruel and not surprising.

i don’t feel okay at all talking about this in detail even anonymously but similar to what PP experienced with the similar situation, although he never told me i would take care of him when my mother died. it doesn’t feel quite like abuse per se and it’s def not rape.

pp my stepdad saved my mother from a difficult situaron esp financially and i know that. i also don’t think people would believe me (because my mother first and now maybe my sister) didn’t.

i do feel an obligation to her kids. as i told her i never intended to tell her unless i suspected it was going on with her too or when her kids were old enough. - i ended by saying i suggest she be careful. and honestly the idea of discussing this with her is so mortifying... i only recently felt comfortable enough to tell my therapist!

Stop playing games. You are as much of a problem as they is. Terminate the relationships and move on. Your mom and stepdad aren't going to change and your sister probably saw it and didn't care or she's obvious and doesn't care and you are not going to change her or save her kids.

I have rarely seen such a clear example of victim blaming as the bolded. Really, she is "as much" or a problem because why exactly? Because she is grappling with a bad situation from the past and a bad situation in the present and doesn't immediatley know the "perfect" way to handle it? Wow.

We don't know what happened and OP is playing games with her sister. She wants to out her step-dad so just do it. She is being vague on what happened. She had a crappy childhood like most people do. She is playing games with her sister so she's indirectly being abusive to her sister as well.

[Anonymous]

also it feels like truly what is the point at this point - oursidr the grandkids (which is a big point- but i think unlikely(?) i can’t imagine my mother wouldn’t effectively deny to herself if my sister takes it to her (she is very skilled at this - had a hard hard life herself) and i weirdly take comfort in that because she’s old and i assume happy with my stepdad

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
And maybe she's manipulative because she was traumatized... kids who have been traumatized, stop maturing at the age that the trauma occurred if they don't get therapy.
Did you know that?

That's a scientific fact.

There are very few scientific facts. Even fewer in the field of psychology. This isn't one of them.

I'm not the PP, but I graduated from UC Psych - University of California, Berkeley.
I'm a licensed therapist, and one of the most common traits among children who've experience trauma (especially sexual trauma) is a lack of maturing after the trauma has occured; (unless, of course, that child is introduced into intensive psychological therapy (as opposed to general therapy) soon after the traumatic event(s).

But that's a great way to focus on the most inconsequential portion of the PP's post.
Way. 🤖To. 🤖 Go. 🤖 Ro-Bot. 🤖

OP, as counselors, we come in contact with clients who are angry, heartbroken, dejecte, helpless and are now feeling truly exposed for the first time in their lives, as their deep dark secrets have finally come to light.

Often times they'll feel defeated, disbelieved, discredited, dejected & rejected -- this sense of pain and loss is frequently realized in the forensic setting (often times can occur during a criminal investigation) but more often than not, will occur after they've built up the courage to tell on their accuser and are met with resistance -- which is essentially what you did, if I'm reading your story correctly.

You are going to do far more damage to your already vulnerable sister if you continue to speak to her from an uneducated and ignorant place and I'm sure that is not your intention.

*ignorant is NOT being used as an insult, it's being used as a clinical descriptor.

Speak to a counselor, do your own research online & start there, OP.

However, until you become more enlightened with the actions and behaviors of children & adults who are suffering with untreated PTSD; I highly advise you to not communicate with your sister.

Family reunification, of course, is what we strive for, however until you're ready to do the real work; which means allowing yourself to accept, become informed & understand the knowledge you receive regarding sensitive subject matter (subject matter that you may not want to know about OR be ready to deal with) my advice to you is to keep communication with your sister to an absolute minimum (however, do let her know that you're not cutting her off, either).

You need to educate yourself about the behaviors of untreated victims of sexual trauma in childhood, before attempting to speaking with her again.

Do you mind if I ask... is your father still alive, OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. i know it’s weird to switch sides but i’ve seen it done before on here and i wanted to know without bias of being me if her reaction was weird or understandable or normal. i def received a lot of messages about things being in my head - my mother definitelystifled the discusióons when i tried to voice to her - - to the point where i’ve wondered if i made stuff up but i was absolutely clear even then how not okay it was. to me her response felt unbelievably cruel and not surprising.

i don’t feel okay at all talking about this in detail even anonymously but similar to what PP experienced with the similar situation, although he never told me i would take care of him when my mother died. it doesn’t feel quite like abuse per se and it’s def not rape.

pp my stepdad saved my mother from a difficult situaron esp financially and i know that. i also don’t think people would believe me (because my mother first and now maybe my sister) didn’t.

i do feel an obligation to her kids. as i told her i never intended to tell her unless i suspected it was going on with her too or when her kids were old enough. - i ended by saying i suggest she be careful. and honestly the idea of discussing this with her is so mortifying... i only recently felt comfortable enough to tell my therapist!

Had you not picked up that people are hardest on the OP, or was it that you wanted the softer opinion first anyway?

I'm sure you saw that the criticism of "stepdaughter" only began when you revealed yourself as OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:and i also admit some of the reason i said anything is because i knew we were done talking for a while and i don’t think i ever want to discuss the details of this woth her -

When you say it in a way that is not credible, it’s as bad as not saying it. You haven’t done anything meaningful here to protect these kids.

[Anonymous]

what do you i think i d hi i’ll be doing? there’s no way i can prove anything - not that i can think of. i felt like i did the best i could. i don’t want to talk to her but i guess i could say just keep your kids away? but i did that (said to keep an eye on son). am i supposed to give her details?

[Anonymous]

“what do you think i should be doing?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:what do you i think i d hi i’ll be doing? there’s no way i can prove anything - not that i can think of. i felt like i did the best i could. i don’t want to talk to her but i guess i could say just keep your kids away? but i did that (said to keep an eye on son). am i supposed to give her details?

I would say, “I was abused sexually by this man when I was a child.” You dont owe her details besides that, I don’t think, but it’s clear and enough info for her to be able to make a judgment to keep her kids away from him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:what do you i think i d hi i’ll be doing? there’s no way i can prove anything - not that i can think of. i felt like i did the best i could. i don’t want to talk to her but i guess i could say just keep your kids away? but i did that (said to keep an eye on son). am i supposed to give her details?

I would say, “I was abused sexually by this man when I was a child.” You dont owe her details besides that, I don’t think, but it’s clear and enough info for her to be able to make a judgment to keep her kids away from him.

+1

And to look out for red flags.

[Anonymous]

My friend helped with set design for a new film that just had a premiere in Tampa. She walked the red carpet, and looks amazing. She posted about it on social media. It makes me sad to think that, apparently, half her family is eaten alive by jealousy to celebrate her accomplishments, give what I see from you insecure, negative posters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:what do you i think i d hi i’ll be doing? there’s no way i can prove anything - not that i can think of. i felt like i did the best i could. i don’t want to talk to her but i guess i could say just keep your kids away? but i did that (said to keep an eye on son). am i supposed to give her details?

I would say, “I was abused sexually by this man when I was a child.” You dont owe her details besides that, I don’t think, but it’s clear and enough info for her to be able to make a judgment to keep her kids away from him.

Except it doesn't sound like she was sexually abused.