sister just told me about disturbing childhood events

[Anonymous]

If she revealed that to you and you didn't believe and support her, she is better off without you.

[Anonymous]

Op this is a really unconscionable response to someone finally sharing what has likely really been going on this whole time and caused the rift in your relationship to begin with. I hope your sister continues to stay away from you all for her own mental health since it sounds like no one in the family is willing to hear her experience with empathy and actually hold anyone accountable, which is why she waited til this moment to share because she knew you were already upset so could expect that you wouldn’t have a good response. This was in a way safer for her because the disappointment and wounds of telling you in a time you’re getting along and having what she suspected would happen happen (you be dismissive or somehow blame her for how she handled it/is telling her now) was too painful to risk. So she told you in a time she could feel certain you would respond poorly so she wasn’t further disappointed.

This is hard op - no one wants to hear what you heard but the likelihood it’s not coming from a place of truth is very low. Take some time to process tbat and started placing your blame elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Aren't most kids that are sexually abused called manipulative?
My FIL, said the same when his lady friend told him her granddaughter was in trouble in school bcs she did something inappropriate to a younger boy. She was called a pervert by FIL and by her own grandma!
She was 9! Not a thought to the fact that mom just allowed another guy to move in. Nope, not a thought that she started acting really, really strange out of the blue.
She was called manipulative by her mom, who "washed" her hands off of her! Then the same starting happening with her younger sister!
Mom still lives with that guy, but her DDS are grown-up and live in another state (college age) and are not seeing the mom.

Happens ALL the time, blaming the victim. So sad.

Indeed! I know the girls, they are lovely. Mom is a seriously messed up person. But, telling when all the others apart from my SIL and I refuse to blame the kid? SIL works as a therapist with kids and young adults with mental health issues, so she knows about many things. She is counseling the girl on her own time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Believe victims, period. I know so many people whose parents/siblings/stepparents didnt believe the abuse they experienced as children because it was inconvenient. Heartbreaking. Hopefully your sister gets the help she needs. Perhaps you can suggest she investigate attachment styles and relationships as childhood trauma can contribute to the type of communication dynamic that seems to be at play with her.

Absolutely, always believe the victim. On the other hand, she will not believe you, and she has the right to do that.
If you are truly a good sibling, op, you would reach out immediately, go to her, and talk to her in earnest. Offer all that you can do to help her. Instead, you did what everyone has done, blamed the victim.
I want to believe that this was just the jerk reaction, that you are better than this op. People that choose to do the right thing, can die with peace in their hearts. No matter how hard doing the right thing is. Please reach out to your sister and apologize and be there for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As I told her - she doesn’t get to toss it - and run- I’m sorry it happened, But her dropping something like that -in a text - after I said I would be taking space -is also problematic given the history of manipulation that has occurred between us...

I also told her the last thing I wanted to do was shut down a conversation but it was too painful to be so resented. Which I said and then she sent that text- what???

Yes she does.

You don’t get the right to dictate to a victim of abuse.

Just take a break from it all for a while before any more damage is done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She was physically abused, molested or raped. She is better off without all of you.

This especially someone who says they are done with her. Good for her. Any chance you have BPD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
And maybe she's manipulative because she was traumatized... kids who have been traumatized, stop maturing at the age that the trauma occurred if they don't get therapy.
Did you know that?

That's a scientific fact.

There are very few scientific facts. Even fewer in the field of psychology. This isn't one of them.

[Anonymous]

You threatened no further contact. You pushed her to drop information she has felt you should know for the protection of your children. It also helps to explain why your relationship with her may have had some struggles over the years. You were not aware of the family secrets. Now you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It seems like you are spending a lot of time resenting how this information was conveyed, and nitpicking the format of the information, and the motives of the information sender, versus dealing with the information. This is often a sign that you are not ready to deal with the information, and you are blocking.

100% op seems desperate not to actually have to focus on the alleged abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As I told her - she doesn’t get to toss it - and run- I’m sorry it happened, But her dropping something like that -in a text - after I said I would be taking space -is also problematic given the history of manipulation that has occurred between us...

I also told her the last thing I wanted to do was shut down a conversation but it was too painful to be so resented. Which I said and then she sent that text- what???

She's not tossing and running. You’re the one who won't talk further. She was an abused child with psychological trauma. Your father manipulated her.

[Anonymous]

OP, how do you think being sexually abused by your father as a child would have changed who you are and how you behave?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know what to believe. I do think it's strange that she says this by text, after I told her I am done talking to her, and she's always been manipulative, and even by her own admission she thinks she gets to throw a bomb and then run away.
I have felt resented by her my whole life.

She throws the bomb to protect your possible future daughters. She then has to run to avoid the blame the victim backlash.

[Anonymous]

IT seems you and your sister have a very complicated relationship.


If you have a therapist I would run this by them and get their advice on how you should respond, given the background of your relationship.

IF you don't have a therapist I would get one.


I too have a sibling that likes to "throw bombs" when she's not getting what she wants from me, going to therapy has been immensely helpful in navigating this relationship..

For the people, telling Op she's awful, while broadly speaking it's best to believe people when they say they were abused, unfortunately not all people can be given the benefit of doubt.

I wish you the best, Op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Aren't most kids that are sexually abused called manipulative?
My FIL, said the same when his lady friend told him her granddaughter was in trouble in school bcs she did something inappropriate to a younger boy. She was called a pervert by FIL and by her own grandma!
She was 9! Not a thought to the fact that mom just allowed another guy to move in. Nope, not a thought that she started acting really, really strange out of the blue.
She was called manipulative by her mom, who "washed" her hands off of her! Then the same starting happening with her younger sister!
Mom still lives with that guy, but her DDS are grown-up and live in another state (college age) and are not seeing the mom.

Happens ALL the time, blaming the victim. So sad.

I’m a CSA survivor. I’m a master manipulator. How could I not be? I learned from a very early age to protect the secret and predator in the house at all costs. Hide myself, never tell the truth. Smile and fake it till I make it, because no one will believe me anyway. I’m also a ACOA, so it’s even deeper.

[Anonymous]

Wow, you all are harsh on OP.

Think about this from OP's perspective 30 seconds before she gets that text. At this point she is so upset with her sister she doesn't even want to talk to her. I have never been so mad at a family member I've threatened to cut contact, so I imagine it's not a rational, generous, empathetic state of mind.

The next text from the sister basically says "you thought we had one problem, but actually we need to focus on this much deeper, older problem I've been carrying for years." Accept that that's true. It is still asking a lot for OP to immediately stop having the feelings she was already having in the middle of a fight in order to care for her sister.

I'm not saying the sister did anything wrong by telling her, or that OP needs to blow it off, but I don't think it's fair to pile on OP and call her horrible because she didn't IMMEDIATELY react perfectly. She clearly also has childhood baggage impacting their relationship and is not an objective outside adult. Maybe she needs a few days to calm down so she can deal with this news separate from the fight and with more generosity.

OP, I'm sorry this happened and is causing harm all these years later. I hope you find a way to repair things with your sister and protect your kids.