sister just told me about disturbing childhood events

[Anonymous]

Were you raped or not? Were you abused once or twice? What is the difference between raped and abused?
I totally ripped into your "sister" but I am confused about not on regular basis. What difference does that make if it only happened once or twice? I don't think a person that was raped on an irregular basis could write something that sounds so "not on a regular basis."
Either you still have Stockholm syndrome or you can't remember exactly what happened?

[Anonymous]

I’m not OP, but had a creepy step dad.

He didn’t rape me, or exactly fondle me, but here’s the things that did happen on a daily basis:
-he would “tuck me in at night” starting at age 12. But this entailed him getting into bed with me, often wearing nothing but his underwear and me in nothing but mine snd we would “cuddle”
-he would ask for details about my sexuality and want to discuss it daily (how often I masturbated and with what, and as I got older, what things I was doing with boys)
-he “accidentally” touched my breasts probably a dozen times over a dozen years
-he would share details about his intimacy with my mom, including things that were not vanilla
-he would ask me to give him massages on a daily basis. Mostly his back and hands
-he would massage me, including my upper thigh area, on a daily basis
-my mom would leave me alone with him for weeks at a time, and he would say things like that I was a younger version of my mom and that I would “take care of him” while she was gone. Taking care of him meant staying up with him into the wee hours of the night while he became extremely drunk, often culminating in him grabbing me in a sexual way (my butt, boobs, or just bizarre long inappropriate full body hugs that lasted minutes, sometimes while pulling me into bed with him)

But he never raped me or touched my vagina, so it’s hard to explain what this was. I believe it was abuse and very wrong, but it’s all more subtle than what I think people think of as abuse.

I wonder if OP’s stepdad was similar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not OP, but had a creepy step dad.

He didn’t rape me, or exactly fondle me, but here’s the things that did happen on a daily basis:
-he would “tuck me in at night” starting at age 12. But this entailed him getting into bed with me, often wearing nothing but his underwear and me in nothing but mine snd we would “cuddle”
-he would ask for details about my sexuality and want to discuss it daily (how often I masturbated and with what, and as I got older, what things I was doing with boys)
-he “accidentally” touched my breasts probably a dozen times over a dozen years
-he would share details about his intimacy with my mom, including things that were not vanilla
-he would ask me to give him massages on a daily basis. Mostly his back and hands
-he would massage me, including my upper thigh area, on a daily basis
-my mom would leave me alone with him for weeks at a time, and he would say things like that I was a younger version of my mom and that I would “take care of him” while she was gone. Taking care of him meant staying up with him into the wee hours of the night while he became extremely drunk, often culminating in him grabbing me in a sexual way (my butt, boobs, or just bizarre long inappropriate full body hugs that lasted minutes, sometimes while pulling me into bed with him)

But he never raped me or touched my vagina, so it’s hard to explain what this was. I believe it was abuse and very wrong, but it’s all more subtle than what I think people think of as abuse.

I wonder if OP’s stepdad was similar.

PP this is definitely abuse. I am sorry you were treated that way.

[Anonymous]

Im the immediate pp with creepy stepdad too. I should also say, I want to warn my siblings (who have kids) about my stepdad, but I don’t think they would believe this is abuse.

I also would really prefer not to lay out to them what I laid out above.

What would be the way to warn them about him without having to disclose all of this in detail? I just want to make sure nothing happens to my nieces and I have several.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not OP, but had a creepy step dad.

He didn’t rape me, or exactly fondle me, but here’s the things that did happen on a daily basis:
-he would “tuck me in at night” starting at age 12. But this entailed him getting into bed with me, often wearing nothing but his underwear and me in nothing but mine snd we would “cuddle”
-he would ask for details about my sexuality and want to discuss it daily (how often I masturbated and with what, and as I got older, what things I was doing with boys)
-he “accidentally” touched my breasts probably a dozen times over a dozen years
-he would share details about his intimacy with my mom, including things that were not vanilla
-he would ask me to give him massages on a daily basis. Mostly his back and hands
-he would massage me, including my upper thigh area, on a daily basis
-my mom would leave me alone with him for weeks at a time, and he would say things like that I was a younger version of my mom and that I would “take care of him” while she was gone. Taking care of him meant staying up with him into the wee hours of the night while he became extremely drunk, often culminating in him grabbing me in a sexual way (my butt, boobs, or just bizarre long inappropriate full body hugs that lasted minutes, sometimes while pulling me into bed with him)

But he never raped me or touched my vagina, so it’s hard to explain what this was. I believe it was abuse and very wrong, but it’s all more subtle than what I think people think of as abuse.

I wonder if OP’s stepdad was similar.

This is very clearly abuse. If my previous question about weirdness was to suggest that it had to be rape or touching to be abuse, that's definitely not what I meant. That said the OP hasn't said anything happened. If she can tell us on an anonymous forum then her step sister isn't going to believe her either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Im the immediate pp with creepy stepdad too. I should also say, I want to warn my siblings (who have kids) about my stepdad, but I don’t think they would believe this is abuse.

I also would really prefer not to lay out to them what I laid out above.

What would be the way to warn them about him without having to disclose all of this in detail? I just want to make sure nothing happens to my nieces and I have several.

I would just simply say, I'm not going into details but please never leave your children unsupervised overnight with Mom & step Dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Im the immediate pp with creepy stepdad too. I should also say, I want to warn my siblings (who have kids) about my stepdad, but I don’t think they would believe this is abuse.

I also would really prefer not to lay out to them what I laid out above.

What would be the way to warn them about him without having to disclose all of this in detail? I just want to make sure nothing happens to my nieces and I have several.

I would just simply say, I'm not going into details but please never leave your children unsupervised overnight with Mom & step Dad.

I’m the pp. I’m worried it wont be enough. My stepdad is revered and I’m the black sheep of the family. I’m worried my siblings won’t get it. Their kids do sometimes stay overnight with my mom and stepdad, but the kids are very young. I was 12 and very clearly developed when the abuse started so I’ve hoped that is enough but I worry so much for my nieces.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:UPDATE Im the OP, but I am actually the sister - the stepdaughter.. I really needed to hear what was above to know an “objective take” although I tried to stick as closely to her literal quotes (“what? No you don’t get to throw this and run.” Etc) I don’t know if she would keep repeating them in a convo like this online... she really isn’t a monster

there was some sexual weirdness from my stepdad. I was not raped or sexually abused on a regular basis thank god, but The first time it happened I went ballistic but my mother didn’t want to deal with it; I honestly think she did the best she could but in her case that meant denial.I even brought it up years later and she forgot and seemed to genuinely not know what I meant (maybe - although she does that sort of thing a lot)

I am not sure of why I lobbed it out there to her/ but I was surprised maybe at her response? - it felt like I just needed it out there with her and it wouldn’t hurt as much (plus I am worried about my nieces or nephews and think she should know) and I felt like I needed to wash my hands of that responsibility - although if she doesn’t believe me - well I don’t know if she believes me or not but I guess I can’t do anything right now (right?) I don’t WANT at all to talk about this woth her - when she said she hoped we would one day I felt totally freaked out. I only told my therapist very recently- There was part of me that suspected She might not believe me

If you are for real, you are looking for drama. Either you tell her or you leave it alone. Don't play games, especially something like this. Stay away from him.

[Anonymous]

Wtf is wrong with you? So you get to end you relationship with her via text but she can't tell her truth before you part ways? GTFOOH. You're terrible, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As I told her - she doesn’t get to toss it - and run- I’m sorry it happened, But her dropping something like that -in a text - after I said I would be taking space -is also problematic given the history of manipulation that has occurred between us...

I also told her the last thing I wanted to do was shut down a conversation but it was too painful to be so resented. Which I said and then she sent that text- what???

Maybe she resents you because the price of your nice childhood was paid by her silence. If your mom had believed her, that would have meant a divorce, another broken family and growing up knowing your dad is a child molester. Her resentment of you makes complete sense. She’s not jealous of you, she’s jealous of what she had to give up for you.

[Anonymous]

If you never planned to speak to you again, she wanted you to have this info in case you have a girl. Don't see why that's so confusing.

[Anonymous]

OP here. i know it’s weird to switch sides but i’ve seen it done before on here and i wanted to know without bias of being me if her reaction was weird or understandable or normal. i def received a lot of messages about things being in my head - my mother definitelystifled the discusióons when i tried to voice to her - - to the point where i’ve wondered if i made stuff up but i was absolutely clear even then how not okay it was. to me her response felt unbelievably cruel and not surprising.

i don’t feel okay at all talking about this in detail even anonymously but similar to what PP experienced with the similar situation, although he never told me i would take care of him when my mother died. it doesn’t feel quite like abuse per se and it’s def not rape.

pp my stepdad saved my mother from a difficult situaron esp financially and i know that. i also don’t think people would believe me (because my mother first and now maybe my sister) didn’t.

i do feel an obligation to her kids. as i told her i never intended to tell her unless i suspected it was going on with her too or when her kids were old enough. - i ended by saying i suggest she be careful. and honestly the idea of discussing this with her is so mortifying... i only recently felt comfortable enough to tell my therapist!

[Anonymous]

and i also admit some of the reason i said anything is because i knew we were done talking for a while and i don’t think i ever want to discuss the details of this woth her -

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:and i also admit some of the reason i said anything is because i knew we were done talking for a while and i don’t think i ever want to discuss the details of this woth her -

It will once again get swept under the rug. Your nieces and nephews may or may not be abused as you were. It could be worse for them..not to diminish the abuse and pain you've suffered. Hopefully, by telling your sister that stepdad did some bad things to you, you've planted the seed of belief in her mind, should her kids come to her with stories of abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. i know it’s weird to switch sides but i’ve seen it done before on here and i wanted to know without bias of being me if her reaction was weird or understandable or normal. i def received a lot of messages about things being in my head - my mother definitelystifled the discusióons when i tried to voice to her - - to the point where i’ve wondered if i made stuff up but i was absolutely clear even then how not okay it was. to me her response felt unbelievably cruel and not surprising.

i don’t feel okay at all talking about this in detail even anonymously but similar to what PP experienced with the similar situation, although he never told me i would take care of him when my mother died. it doesn’t feel quite like abuse per se and it’s def not rape.

pp my stepdad saved my mother from a difficult situaron esp financially and i know that. i also don’t think people would believe me (because my mother first and now maybe my sister) didn’t.

i do feel an obligation to her kids. as i told her i never intended to tell her unless i suspected it was going on with her too or when her kids were old enough. - i ended by saying i suggest she be careful. and honestly the idea of discussing this with her is so mortifying... i only recently felt comfortable enough to tell my therapist!

Stop playing games. You are as much of a problem as they is. Terminate the relationships and move on. Your mom and stepdad aren't going to change and your sister probably saw it and didn't care or she's obvious and doesn't care and you are not going to change her or save her kids.