sister just told me about disturbing childhood events

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not OP, but had a creepy step dad.

He didn’t rape me, or exactly fondle me, but here’s the things that did happen on a daily basis:
-he would “tuck me in at night” starting at age 12. But this entailed him getting into bed with me, often wearing nothing but his underwear and me in nothing but mine snd we would “cuddle”
-he would ask for details about my sexuality and want to discuss it daily (how often I masturbated and with what, and as I got older, what things I was doing with boys)
-he “accidentally” touched my breasts probably a dozen times over a dozen years
-he would share details about his intimacy with my mom, including things that were not vanilla
-he would ask me to give him massages on a daily basis. Mostly his back and hands
-he would massage me, including my upper thigh area, on a daily basis
-my mom would leave me alone with him for weeks at a time, and he would say things like that I was a younger version of my mom and that I would “take care of him” while she was gone. Taking care of him meant staying up with him into the wee hours of the night while he became extremely drunk, often culminating in him grabbing me in a sexual way (my butt, boobs, or just bizarre long inappropriate full body hugs that lasted minutes, sometimes while pulling me into bed with him)

But he never raped me or touched my vagina, so it’s hard to explain what this was. I believe it was abuse and very wrong, but it’s all more subtle than what I think people think of as abuse.

I wonder if OP’s stepdad was similar.

NP. This was child abuse, grooming, sexual harassment, and a type of sexual abuse.

+1 This is abuse. It makes me want to punch him out, actually, but I know that’s not helpful.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like the timing/context of the declaration and a long and complicated history with your sister have impacted the way in which this information is being digested.

OP, you haven’t said much about your relationship with your sister beyond the the fact that you were in the midst of an enormous fight, and that she has accused you of being manipulative in the past. It’s unclear if these fights happen often, or if your sister has ever threatened no contact with you in the past, or if this was the first time and you had reason to believe she truly meant it - that you might become estranged.

If her perception of you is that you are manipulative, or you are prone to explosive fights, she may wonder if you are using this as ammunition, or to provoke a reaction, rather than a sincere effort to protect her children. All of these conflicting feelings may be making her head spin.

But it doesn’t even seem like you have any issue with how she reacted - you don’t specify anything she did “wrong.” It’s understandable that she would want to understand and talk about it. You sound overwhelmed and like you’re in “fight or flight” mode, and what you’re really grappling with is how to handle your communication with your sister now thar you’ve shared this very painful information.

I think it’s fair for her to want to talk about it. It’s fair that she might react negatively to the fact that in the midst of an argument you might drop this bomb, knowing how it might land, but be unwilling to share more than the vaguest details. But it also sounds like your relationship is not in a good
place, and you don’t trust each other.

Where are things now, between you? Is she reaching out? That is all very unclear, especially with the “OP perspective switch”, and will impact the feedback we give.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like she was trying to open up to you and you chewed her ass for it and called her a liar. Seems like she told you via text because you have a history of verbally blowing up on her and she wanted to share something important without you interrupting and you shamed her and cut her off. Opening up about abuse is extremely hard especially when you own parent ignored your pleas for help and now you are doing the same. Sounds like she is better of without you and you are doing her a favor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know what to believe. I do think it's strange that she says this by text, after I told her I am done talking to her, and she's always been manipulative, and even by her own admission she thinks she gets to throw a bomb and then run away.
I have felt resented by her my whole life.

She throws the bomb to protect your possible future daughters. She then has to run to avoid the blame the victim backlash.

+100 OP, you’re angry at your sister for a variety of reasons that may or may not be justified. But don’t dismiss someone who is brave enough to tell her unsympathetic sister who seems to really dislike her, the horrifying truth, because she cares about your children.

[Anonymous]

Half the people are reacting to the original OP thread, and half the people are reacting to the update, where OP admits she’s actually the sister who experienced the sexual abuse - which is making for a very confusing thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like the timing/context of the declaration and a long and complicated history with your sister have impacted the way in which this information is being digested.

OP, you haven’t said much about your relationship with your sister beyond the the fact that you were in the midst of an enormous fight, and that she has accused you of being manipulative in the past. It’s unclear if these fights happen often, or if your sister has ever threatened no contact with you in the past, or if this was the first time and you had reason to believe she truly meant it - that you might become estranged.

If her perception of you is that you are manipulative, or you are prone to explosive fights, she may wonder if you are using this as ammunition, or to provoke a reaction, rather than a sincere effort to protect her children. All of these conflicting feelings may be making her head spin.

But it doesn’t even seem like you have any issue with how she reacted - you don’t specify anything she did “wrong.” It’s understandable that she would want to understand and talk about it. You sound overwhelmed and like you’re in “fight or flight” mode, and what you’re really grappling with is how to handle your communication with your sister now thar you’ve shared this very painful information.

I think it’s fair for her to want to talk about it. It’s fair that she might react negatively to the fact that in the midst of an argument you might drop this bomb, knowing how it might land, but be unwilling to share more than the vaguest details. But it also sounds like your relationship is not in a good
place, and you don’t trust each other.

Where are things now, between you? Is she reaching out? That is all very unclear, especially with the “OP perspective switch”, and will impact the feedback we give.

OP again. Well, I do have an issue with how she reacted- she actually has sent me a couple messages now saying things like "you should have called me, you don't just say things like that in a text." As I have told her, she's right. I told her that her father was a pedophile in a text. I also know that was the only way I could do it and still feel safe and no, I am not sure we will speak again and I want her to be able to protect her own kids esp if I am not physically present.

Despite having carried this burden for 30+ years and my #1 concern having been - until recently - the impact that it might have on the family I didn't really think in the moment, and know that hurts.

She is also telling me that she is sorry AND that since the moment she was born, she has experienced me as manipulative and as a bully. I'm opening to hearing that, but I honestly wonder where she is coming from (some of what she has termed as manipulative in the past are things that -- anyone -- would find really bananas).

What started this particular fight is something that is perplexing to me -- my saying I didn't really want to talk about how my parents swooped in and rescuing her for really bad financial decisions with her.

Basically, I am realizing that the family I grew up in, and maybe me, too, are even more messed up than I had let myself admit. And, potentially more messed up for spilling this on an anonymous site. I am in therapy AND not really sure outside of my therapist whom I can speak with about this in real life.

[Anonymous]

^ If anyone has hints for survivors or other support groups, I would be appreciative. Dealing with family estrangement on top of finally letting this come out is really hard. I still don't know if/what I will tell my mother. I'd stuffed it down for years; she's denied it as an adult a couple times (and I didn't press). I feel like at this point, there's no point in imploding her marriage - she's old, and happy. But I also don't know how I can have a relationship with her at this point now that I am dealing with it myself (I hadn't even told my long-time therapist until recently).

[Anonymous]

And, for what it's worth with the survivor of step-father abuse, my therapist told me I had 100% fulfilled my duties in terms of warning my sister for the sake of her kids by noting inappropriate activities had taken place and to protect her kids from our dad.

For those that say I should talk to my sister -- I am going to call victim privilege on this (especially as she doesn't want to talk to me, period).

[Anonymous]

OP, you’re not crazy for sharing this on an anonymous site. You needed to hash things out and get an outside perspective. The DCUM community can be very cruel but has moments of real generosity and valuable wisdom. It’s important that you continue to work through this with your therapist - because how your family members process this news is secondary to your own processing and healing.

You’ve let your sister know, so that relieves the burden of concern for her children. Now it’s time to focus inward. Perhaps some fellow survivors can speak to the importance of talking about it in therapy.