Wife resents me for not earning more

[Anonymous]

OP, in my marriage, I'm the one with the law school debt (my husband went to college and grad school for free). I did work a soul-crushing job in DC for years so I could pay that off and I hated it. But not once did I EVER resent my husband for not making more money (at the time, I made more than him, now he makes more than I do, but not a huge amount more). I told him I couldn't do that life anymore and we talked about how we could restructure our lives for me to be able to switch jobs. It meant a move out of DC, which we had wanted to do anyway, and now we both work at jobs we like (I actually like mine more than he likes his) and we both contribute financially and in all other ways to our family.

I feel for your wife, I do, because even though I never wanted to be a SAHM, my job crushed me and it was way harder after I had kids than it was before. I remember all the tears of that time. Thankfully we were able to find a path out together, but I may suggest that you and your wife go see a financial planner. It may be helpful to hear from a third party what your options are (and what your best choices would be), rather than to have it come from one of you. Just a thought.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:OP again.

I should have mentioned that we don’t live in DC anymore - moved for her job. Still in another major east coast city. That complicates her ability to just dive back into Uncle Sam, and to some extent makes my lateral moving ability more complicated, but it’s not a deal breaker. I am currently gaining the management and financial chops to become competitive for SES and fin reg, but that will take a couple of years of expertise building and networking. My point was that my earnings ceiling has not been reached. My agency in particular is not DC-centric and won’t block advancement opps just because I am not at HQ.

I realize the root of our problem is in many years of bad financial decisions, a hole that we are just now digging out of. Another part of my resentment is that my wife’s lifestyle desires drive a lot of our stress — they’re not mine. She won’t compromise on the caliber of preschool we put our kids in, insists on organic milk every time, only gets excited by homes that around $1M in cost (in the good school, good commute neighborhoods in our city). So just to be clear, the lifestyle creep is not being driven by me. She needs to sort out of what she wants in life, and not live in eternal bitterness and anger at me for not being able to rescue her. But I understand her resentment at its core and a lot of the above comments make sense.

The resentment has ebbs and flows. When her work is manageable, we chug along ok. But she’s in fire drill land, I become the proxy emotional target for all the things in life she’s frustrated about.

She won't compromise on schools, food quality, etc because it's a proxy for parenting. She feels guilty about not being around more and is trying to make sure that everything she can control is the best available.

You stated upthread that your financial stressors are that you want a house in a good school zone with a short commute and now you're putting that on her. So you no longer care about commutes and schools? Instead of taking anything away from the comments in this thread with advice to try to actually improve your situation, you're pivoting further into "she's the one to blame" with every post. FTR, you applying for jobs (the jobs you've already said you plan to apply for, but now that it could actually help your marriage: "no, that's later") to make more money so she can lean out the way that you already have is not a rescue. It's a partnership. Unless you're willing to say that she's currently "rescuing" you with her higher salary?

I thought the people calling you whiny were projecting, but you're devolving into someone it's hard to pity.

That's bs. Two GS-15 type salaries could buy a very comfortable life including good schools, short commute, etc. Even if OP's wife halves her salary, they would still be fine.

OP seems fine with downsizing to prioritize what's important to the family (i.e. smaller/older house for a shorter commute).

OP's wife wants a more expensive lifestyle but wants him to provide it. No one is entitled to a lavish lifestyle that they can't or aren't willing earn for themselves.

She has to decide if she wants a lower paying job with a better work life balance or a more expensive lifestyle that requires a stressful job with longer hours.

Not sure what's "BS" - I'm pointing out that OP has shifted his explanation from "we want a house with a short commute and good schools" to "SHE wants it," which is something OPs tend to do when responses don't go the way they want. Also "lavish lifestyle" seems to be entirely your own editorializing. Based on his posts they've sold their house and downsized to a cheap apartment, she works longer hours than he does and make more money than he does, and her big wasteful expense is . . . preschool?

He said he wants to make more money at a financial regulator. When I said, okay, you should do that, they're hiring right now in droves, he says no. Then other people say "you probably won't be able to anyway, if you're outside DC," and his response is YES I CAN! So he wants it to be clear that this is an option available to him, but not actually make any moves toward it. She supported him when he took a step back to a lower paying job, and now he is refusing to do the same thing for her.

+1 Agree.

OP keeps shifting his story. I suspect now that his wife probably does a lot more of the work at home than OP acknowledges.

That's nothing in OP's posts that indicates that. His story doesn't actually shift. Additionally, good schools with a short commute can mean a lot of different things. Maybe OP is fine with a school with a GS rating of 7 but his wife will only accept 9. And he's fine with a 40 min commute but his wife will only accept a 20 min commute. Or for example, a healthy diet only requires eating a healthy, balanced diet. There's nothing about healthy diet that requires eating exclusively or even partly organic. Maybe OP is fine with non-organic groceries but his wife wants only organic.

It seems that OP is fine with a lifestyle where good means good enough, especially if he has a job he enjoys with good work life balance. And it seems that OP would be fine if his wife downshifted to a lower paying lower stress job or even went part-time. There's nothing that indicates he is pushing her to stay in this job or that he isn't willing to live a more modest lifestyle. However, for his wife, it seems that good really means the best and she wants him to provide it which is absurd.

LOL, maybe if you didn't read until the last page? His story absolutely did shift. In the first post where he mentioned a house, he said "What’s the source of our financial stress now? Just affording a down payment and monthly payments on a home in a major east coast city with schools we love and a commute that won’t crush us. What everyone wants."

Now he's saying that SHE only gets excited about in the good school, good commute neighborhoods in our city, which is evidence that SHE is driving any lifestyle costs. That's a freaking 180. First it was "everyone wants this, we need to love the schools, we can't have long commutes" and when people said "you need to adjust your expectations" it became only his DW and he's totally reasonable.

Fun fact: he never actually gave any evidence of his own reasonableness, but PPs have been more than willing to invent them for him, like you're doing here. And the only example of his wife's spendiness is preschool and organic milk, and a house search with parameters he cosigned 2 hours ago and now is pretending are all her.

+1 Agree

Total shift.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I’ve read and re-read the accusations that I’ve shifted my story, and I still don’t get it. We of course want all the same things in an ideal world...I am just more compromising and realistic about what I am willing to give up. I’ll accept a house that’s not an aesthetic 10, I’ll accept a condo, I’ll accept solid but not 10/10 schools. That kind of stuff.

As for preschool...why is that such a bad example of diverging priorities? If preschool A checks all the basic boxes and is $1200 a month, but preschool B comes with bells and whistles and costs $1950 a month, that’s a 750 a month more for 2-3 years, which is very, very real money, and money that could be used elsewhere. That was a point of disagreement between us.

As for my willingness to apply to other jobs...sheesh. I often come into contact with financial regulator attorneys during the course of my work, and some of my work overlaps with them. I don’t currently have a competitive resume for it, but I see ways to get there (and to management where I work). I fail to see how I changed my tune on anything.

[Anonymous]

downsize so she can pursue whatever she wants. Townhouse or condo. Happy wife= happy life

[Anonymous]

Why doesn't she look for another job that offers more flexibility? Or another Fed job? My lawyer friend who works for the PTO has been working from home for the past 10 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why doesn't she look for another job that offers more flexibility? Or another Fed job? My lawyer friend who works for the PTO has been working from home for the past 10 years.

OP here. She’s currently looking at all types of (hopefully) saner jobs. We’re not in DC anymore, which makes it harder but necessarily impossible for her to get back in. The truth is that humane, decent paying, substantive law jobs are hard to come by.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why doesn't she look for another job that offers more flexibility? Or another Fed job? My lawyer friend who works for the PTO has been working from home for the past 10 years.

OP here. She’s currently looking at all types of (hopefully) saner jobs. We’re not in DC anymore, which makes it harder but necessarily impossible for her to get back in. The truth is that humane, decent paying, substantive law jobs are hard to come by.

That’s like the purple unicorn of jobs - decent hours, high pay, and interesting work. And you both want to find a purple unicorn.

The problem is not that you don’t live in DC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I’ve read and re-read the accusations that I’ve shifted my story, and I still don’t get it. We of course want all the same things in an ideal world...I am just more compromising and realistic about what I am willing to give up. I’ll accept a house that’s not an aesthetic 10, I’ll accept a condo, I’ll accept solid but not 10/10 schools. That kind of stuff.

As for preschool...why is that such a bad example of diverging priorities? If preschool A checks all the basic boxes and is $1200 a month, but preschool B comes with bells and whistles and costs $1950 a month, that’s a 750 a month more for 2-3 years, which is very, very real money, and money that could be used elsewhere. That was a point of disagreement between us.

As for my willingness to apply to other jobs...sheesh. I often come into contact with financial regulator attorneys during the course of my work, and some of my work overlaps with them. I don’t currently have a competitive resume for it, but I see ways to get there (and to management where I work). I fail to see how I changed my tune on anything.

You said straight up that you want a home with schools you love and a short commute, then turned around and said her lifestyle desires are driving your financial woes, citing specifically to a home in a good school district with short commutes. Only when it's pointed out that you flipped the script to shove her under the bus, you suddenly are insisting you're fine with a condo! The word condo never came up in a full day of posting, but here you are saying it proves you didn't change your story. Mmkay.

Here's the deal: you stepped back to an easy job when you guys had astronomical SL debt and now she's stuck in a soul-crushing job because you have two kids. You spent the first half of this thread saying you feel badly that your cakewalk job can't get you to your financial goals, and the second half (after people told you to adjust your expectations or apply for the job you insist you could get that would actually bring in more money) switching it up to "it's only her goals, she's so spendy, she is forcing me to look "in the good school, good commute neighborhoods in our city" (nevermind that that's exactly where you said you wanted to look until people told you to scale back) why does she need me to *rescue* her."

As for why preschool is not a good example of her profligate ways: every example of what you're willing to do without to avoid even applying for a better job comes at the expense of your kids. Of course she's killing herself to provide for them; you don't seem to consider it your responsibility at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I’ve read and re-read the accusations that I’ve shifted my story, and I still don’t get it. We of course want all the same things in an ideal world...I am just more compromising and realistic about what I am willing to give up. I’ll accept a house that’s not an aesthetic 10, I’ll accept a condo, I’ll accept solid but not 10/10 schools. That kind of stuff.

As for preschool...why is that such a bad example of diverging priorities? If preschool A checks all the basic boxes and is $1200 a month, but preschool B comes with bells and whistles and costs $1950 a month, that’s a 750 a month more for 2-3 years, which is very, very real money, and money that could be used elsewhere. That was a point of disagreement between us.

As for my willingness to apply to other jobs...sheesh. I often come into contact with financial regulator attorneys during the course of my work, and some of my work overlaps with them. I don’t currently have a competitive resume for it, but I see ways to get there (and to management where I work). I fail to see how I changed my tune on anything.

You said straight up that you want a home with schools you love and a short commute, then turned around and said her lifestyle desires are driving your financial woes, citing specifically to a home in a good school district with short commutes. Only when it's pointed out that you flipped the script to shove her under the bus, you suddenly are insisting you're fine with a condo! The word condo never came up in a full day of posting, but here you are saying it proves you didn't change your story. Mmkay.

Here's the deal: you stepped back to an easy job when you guys had astronomical SL debt and now she's stuck in a soul-crushing job because you have two kids. You spent the first half of this thread saying you feel badly that your cakewalk job can't get you to your financial goals, and the second half (after people told you to adjust your expectations or apply for the job you insist you could get that would actually bring in more money) switching it up to "it's only her goals, she's so spendy, she is forcing me to look "in the good school, good commute neighborhoods in our city" (nevermind that that's exactly where you said you wanted to look until people told you to scale back) why does she need me to *rescue* her."

As for why preschool is not a good example of her profligate ways: every example of what you're willing to do without to avoid even applying for a better job comes at the expense of your kids. Of course she's killing herself to provide for them; you don't seem to consider it your responsibility at all.

Good god you are a psycho shrew. You have projected your own life on the OP to push an agenda. Take a xanax.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I’ve read and re-read the accusations that I’ve shifted my story, and I still don’t get it. We of course want all the same things in an ideal world...I am just more compromising and realistic about what I am willing to give up. I’ll accept a house that’s not an aesthetic 10, I’ll accept a condo, I’ll accept solid but not 10/10 schools. That kind of stuff.

As for preschool...why is that such a bad example of diverging priorities? If preschool A checks all the basic boxes and is $1200 a month, but preschool B comes with bells and whistles and costs $1950 a month, that’s a 750 a month more for 2-3 years, which is very, very real money, and money that could be used elsewhere. That was a point of disagreement between us.

As for my willingness to apply to other jobs...sheesh. I often come into contact with financial regulator attorneys during the course of my work, and some of my work overlaps with them. I don’t currently have a competitive resume for it, but I see ways to get there (and to management where I work). I fail to see how I changed my tune on anything.

You said straight up that you want a home with schools you love and a short commute, then turned around and said her lifestyle desires are driving your financial woes, citing specifically to a home in a good school district with short commutes. Only when it's pointed out that you flipped the script to shove her under the bus, you suddenly are insisting you're fine with a condo! The word condo never came up in a full day of posting, but here you are saying it proves you didn't change your story. Mmkay.

Here's the deal: you stepped back to an easy job when you guys had astronomical SL debt and now she's stuck in a soul-crushing job because you have two kids. You spent the first half of this thread saying you feel badly that your cakewalk job can't get you to your financial goals, and the second half (after people told you to adjust your expectations or apply for the job you insist you could get that would actually bring in more money) switching it up to "it's only her goals, she's so spendy, she is forcing me to look "in the good school, good commute neighborhoods in our city" (nevermind that that's exactly where you said you wanted to look until people told you to scale back) why does she need me to *rescue* her."

As for why preschool is not a good example of her profligate ways: every example of what you're willing to do without to avoid even applying for a better job comes at the expense of your kids. Of course she's killing herself to provide for them; you don't seem to consider it your responsibility at all.

Good god you are a psycho shrew. You have projected your own life on the OP to push an agenda. Take a xanax.

NP. Uh, of the posters quoted here, I would say the one screaming about psycho shrews and Xanax sounds the weirdest. Also, what agenda could that PP possibly be pushing? You make no sense. Why are you so irrationally angry?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Thanks for all the responses, even the harsh ones.

DC really is a bubble insofar as the federal government allows lawyers to have meaningful work, a decent salary, and a life. Part of my family’s stress is that there don’t seem to be a lot of part-time/flexible and substantive jobs for my wife to take. And this is someone who (in all seriousness) could theoretically parlay her current job into a 350k gig elsewhere in tech or pharma.

I think what my wife is most frustrated about is that she couldn’t just up and quit, take a breather for a few months, and figure stuff out on her own terms. Anyway, I appreciate all the advice — I read all of it.

I think what your wife doesn’t like is that she feels she has to rescue YOU. She probably feels stuck in the marriage and sees how you subtly push her to work more, make more money while digginin your heels that it’s impossible for you to step up. I feel sorry for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Thanks for all the responses, even the harsh ones.

DC really is a bubble insofar as the federal government allows lawyers to have meaningful work, a decent salary, and a life. Part of my family’s stress is that there don’t seem to be a lot of part-time/flexible and substantive jobs for my wife to take. And this is someone who (in all seriousness) could theoretically parlay her current job into a 350k gig elsewhere in tech or pharma.

I think what my wife is most frustrated about is that she couldn’t just up and quit, take a breather for a few months, and figure stuff out on her own terms. Anyway, I appreciate all the advice — I read all of it.

I think what your wife doesn’t like is that she feels she has to rescue YOU. She probably feels stuck in the marriage and sees how you subtly push her to work more, make more money while digginin your heels that it’s impossible for you to step up. I feel sorry for her.

Why should he step up when he makes a great income in a job he loves? She didn't have to take the high-paying, high-stress job. They also didn't have to decide together to have a second kid knowing resentment and expenditures would keep them locked in this cycle.

[Anonymous]

Those years of having young kids is difficult for any marriage. I used to want to stay home back then too. DH earned 200. I earned 150. DH eventually increased his income and I did stay home when we had our third. Now I am resentful being a SAHM because DH can’t scale back and we don’t want to outsource all our childcare. You can never win.

Op, your wife just needs to find a job she likes. I have met a lot of SAHM former lawyers though so it is not uncommon for women not want to practice law.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Those years of having young kids is difficult for any marriage. I used to want to stay home back then too. DH earned 200. I earned 150. DH eventually increased his income and I did stay home when we had our third. Now I am resentful being a SAHM because DH can’t scale back and we don’t want to outsource all our childcare. You can never win.

Op, your wife just needs to find a job she likes. I have met a lot of SAHM former lawyers though so it is not uncommon for women not want to practice law.

You sound like someone who is never happy. My husband and I have won. So have most of our friends. We've all found a situation that works for us. It's possible to do if you're not constantly changing the goal posts, which it sounds like you do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Thanks for all the responses, even the harsh ones.

DC really is a bubble insofar as the federal government allows lawyers to have meaningful work, a decent salary, and a life. Part of my family’s stress is that there don’t seem to be a lot of part-time/flexible and substantive jobs for my wife to take. And this is someone who (in all seriousness) could theoretically parlay her current job into a 350k gig elsewhere in tech or pharma.

I think what my wife is most frustrated about is that she couldn’t just up and quit, take a breather for a few months, and figure stuff out on her own terms. Anyway, I appreciate all the advice — I read all of it.

I think what your wife doesn’t like is that she feels she has to rescue YOU. She probably feels stuck in the marriage and sees how you subtly push her to work more, make more money while digginin your heels that it’s impossible for you to step up. I feel sorry for her.

Why should he step up when he makes a great income in a job he loves? She didn't have to take the high-paying, high-stress job. They also didn't have to decide together to have a second kid knowing resentment and expenditures would keep them locked in this cycle.

Actually she did, someone had to. How else are they going to dig out of 300k of debt? Not by making 160k