Wife resents me for not earning more

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01/12/2021 23:45

Subject: Wife resents me for not earning more

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Anonymous

My wife and I lived a carefree and financially shortsighted 20s, not saving money and not going to law school until we were in our late 20s (we ended up going to law school together). We graduated with a collective 300k in debt at age 31, in the teeth of Great Recession. I worked biglaw after law school, she was with the federal government. Neither one of us comes from money.

We had our first child about 3 years into working post law school. I HATED law firm associate life, was depressed and burned out, and was shocked when my first job application (with a federal agency) was successful. At roughly the same time, my wife went back to work after mat leave, and had an epiphany that she really just wanted to stay at home with our kid, and that going back after four months felt “wrong at her spiritual core.” With our debt and my then GS-13 salary, there was no way that was possible. Frankly, with our debt loads, there was no way she could have quit even if I had stayed at the law firm. She went back to work, and she’s not shy about saying it killed her inside.

2.5 years later, we had a second kid (timing of that was unplanned). She didn’t like her fed agency gig (area of law she disliked, very long hours for a fed gig, old school boss who hated telework), and somehow found an in-house job that pays way more, like 230k. That was three years ago. I am now a GS-15, and quite honestly love my job. It’s interesting, challenging, amazing work life balance and generous telework, plays to my strengths. My wife, although she likes her job substantively, works like a dog and feels extremely burned out. She sees my schedule and resents me, saying she wishes she could have a job with work-life balance like me, or just quit and rejuvenate for a little bit, or else find some part-time gig (salary be damned), but feels trapped because we couldn’t meet our financial goals on my 160k salary. She very clearly resents me for it — she said she appreciates all the work I do around the house and the time I devote to kids, but that she wishes our roles were essentially reversed; she said she’s dying inside not spending more time with kids, and feels her health is suffering from constant stress.

I desperately want her to be happy and at peace and not stressed, and feel ashamed that somehow I am the cause of her unhappiness. I no longer feel proud or happy about my job, even though I love it..any in-house job that I am qualified for would likely pay around 200k but come with a ton more work and stress and job insecurity and no pension, and I’d feel so sad to leave what I have. All the flexibility I’d give up would also cause more stress on the childcare front. I’ve also been in the throes of biglaw stress and never want to go back to that. To me the solution is her finding a sane job, not me getting a more stressful one. But non-fed law jobs with work-life balance are unicorns, and her area of specialization is an inherently stressful one.

So basically I feel ashamed for being financially dumb in my 20s, hating and quitting biglaw, and not really being able to have her be part-time. Should I feel this way? It’s really damaging our marriage. I constantly scan job boards for her, brainstorm for ways for her to get out, help her network, but she makes it very clear she resents me for not earning more and being able to rescue her from her situation.