Wife resents me for not earning more

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I will never understand people who take literally hundreds of thousands of dollars in student loan debt. It’s crazy making every time I hear these stupid stories. OP, keep your job. It is working for you and your family. Cut expenses, call your wife’s resentment out and tell her to cut it out or find a therapist or divorce you. She’s the problem here. Takes out enormous debt for law school and now wants to be a stay at home? Did she tell you any of this when you were dating/engaged. She sounds selfish. I’m a woman, wife and mother BTW

+1

Do not understand it at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She sees my schedule and resents me, saying she wishes she could have a job with work-life balance like me, or just quit and rejuvenate for a little bit, or else find some part-time gig (salary be damned), but feels trapped because we couldn’t meet our financial goals on my 160k salary. She very clearly resents me for it — she said she appreciates all the work I do around the house and the time I devote to kids, but that she wishes our roles were essentially reversed; she said she’s dying inside not spending more time with kids, and feels her health is suffering from constant stress.

I desperately want her to be happy and at peace and not stressed, and feel ashamed that somehow I am the cause of her unhappiness.

You are not the cause of her unhappiness. She is responsible for her own career happiness - *she* chose law school, *she* chose debt, *she* took this in-house job.

She directs her resentment at you because if you made more money, she would have more freedom - that's true - but you are not responsible for making more money. She is responsible for achieving her desired work-life balance.

If she likes the work she does substantively speaking, and if she does good work, she can either make it work with her current employer, or find a different employer.

She needs to have a work/life discussion with her employer for starters, and maybe a WFH discussion as well as - eventually - perhaps a part-time option discussion. She needs to subscribe to job opportunities newsletters including ones for in-house positions (many of which are remote/telework).

I speak from experience as a lawyer married to a teacher. I talked to my employer, I took regular mental health days, I worked part-time for awhile. Fixing my own resentment was on ME.

AMEN!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will never understand people who take literally hundreds of thousands of dollars in student loan debt. It’s crazy making every time I hear these stupid stories. OP, keep your job. It is working for you and your family. Cut expenses, call your wife’s resentment out and tell her to cut it out or find a therapist or divorce you. She’s the problem here. Takes out enormous debt for law school and now wants to be a stay at home? Did she tell you any of this when you were dating/engaged. She sounds selfish. I’m a woman, wife and mother BTW

+1

Do not understand it at all.

is it because your parents paid for your school? Or you decided not to go? Or did it another way?

[Anonymous]

I think many young people lack understanding of what large student loans will mean down the road. Unless someone sits them down and goes over the numbers many people just gloss over this, because they are used to hearing that college degree is the key to success, which it is, but it all depends, and the size of the loan is a big part of the equation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will never understand people who take literally hundreds of thousands of dollars in student loan debt. It’s crazy making every time I hear these stupid stories. OP, keep your job. It is working for you and your family. Cut expenses, call your wife’s resentment out and tell her to cut it out or find a therapist or divorce you. She’s the problem here. Takes out enormous debt for law school and now wants to be a stay at home? Did she tell you any of this when you were dating/engaged. She sounds selfish. I’m a woman, wife and mother BTW

+1

Do not understand it at all.

is it because your parents paid for your school? Or you decided not to go? Or did it another way?

PP here, I paid my own way through a less-expensive law school after saving for years (while working in the time between college and law school) to have some of the money I needed. I got out with loans, yes, but a small fraction of what OP and his DW did.

[Anonymous]

Assuming the kid has been in daycare the majority of his life, why quit a job now that he’ll soon be in school? What is she going to do all day while the kid is at school? Watch The View, take a yoga class, and have lunch with her friends?

She needs to find a new job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again.

I should have mentioned that we don’t live in DC anymore - moved for her job. Still in another major east coast city. That complicates her ability to just dive back into Uncle Sam, and to some extent makes my lateral moving ability more complicated, but it’s not a deal breaker. I am currently gaining the management and financial chops to become competitive for SES and fin reg, but that will take a couple of years of expertise building and networking. My point was that my earnings ceiling has not been reached. My agency in particular is not DC-centric and won’t block advancement opps just because I am not at HQ.

I realize the root of our problem is in many years of bad financial decisions, a hole that we are just now digging out of. Another part of my resentment is that my wife’s lifestyle desires drive a lot of our stress — they’re not mine. She won’t compromise on the caliber of preschool we put our kids in, insists on organic milk every time, only gets excited by homes that around $1M in cost (in the good school, good commute neighborhoods in our city). So just to be clear, the lifestyle creep is not being driven by me. She needs to sort out of what she wants in life, and not live in eternal bitterness and anger at me for not being able to rescue her. But I understand her resentment at its core and a lot of the above comments make sense.

The resentment has ebbs and flows. When her work is manageable, we chug along ok. But she’s in fire drill land, I become the proxy emotional target for all the things in life she’s frustrated about.

She won't compromise on schools, food quality, etc because it's a proxy for parenting. She feels guilty about not being around more and is trying to make sure that everything she can control is the best available.

You stated upthread that your financial stressors are that you want a house in a good school zone with a short commute and now you're putting that on her. So you no longer care about commutes and schools? Instead of taking anything away from the comments in this thread with advice to try to actually improve your situation, you're pivoting further into "she's the one to blame" with every post. FTR, you applying for jobs (the jobs you've already said you plan to apply for, but now that it could actually help your marriage: "no, that's later") to make more money so she can lean out the way that you already have is not a rescue. It's a partnership. Unless you're willing to say that she's currently "rescuing" you with her higher salary?

I thought the people calling you whiny were projecting, but you're devolving into someone it's hard to pity.

That's bs. Two GS-15 type salaries could buy a very comfortable life including good schools, short commute, etc. Even if OP's wife halves her salary, they would still be fine.

OP seems fine with downsizing to prioritize what's important to the family (i.e. smaller/older house for a shorter commute).

OP's wife wants a more expensive lifestyle but wants him to provide it. No one is entitled to a lavish lifestyle that they can't or aren't willing earn for themselves.

She has to decide if she wants a lower paying job with a better work life balance or a more expensive lifestyle that requires a stressful job with longer hours.

Not sure what's "BS" - I'm pointing out that OP has shifted his explanation from "we want a house with a short commute and good schools" to "SHE wants it," which is something OPs tend to do when responses don't go the way they want. Also "lavish lifestyle" seems to be entirely your own editorializing. Based on his posts they've sold their house and downsized to a cheap apartment, she works longer hours than he does and make more money than he does, and her big wasteful expense is . . . preschool?

He said he wants to make more money at a financial regulator. When I said, okay, you should do that, they're hiring right now in droves, he says no. Then other people say "you probably won't be able to anyway, if you're outside DC," and his response is YES I CAN! So he wants it to be clear that this is an option available to him, but not actually make any moves toward it. She supported him when he took a step back to a lower paying job, and now he is refusing to do the same thing for her.

+1 Agree.

OP keeps shifting his story. I suspect now that his wife probably does a lot more of the work at home than OP acknowledges.

That's nothing in OP's posts that indicates that. His story doesn't actually shift. Additionally, good schools with a short commute can mean a lot of different things. Maybe OP is fine with a school with a GS rating of 7 but his wife will only accept 9. And he's fine with a 40 min commute but his wife will only accept a 20 min commute. Or for example, a healthy diet only requires eating a healthy, balanced diet. There's nothing about healthy diet that requires eating exclusively or even partly organic. Maybe OP is fine with non-organic groceries but his wife wants only organic.

It seems that OP is fine with a lifestyle where good means good enough, especially if he has a job he enjoys with good work life balance. And it seems that OP would be fine if his wife downshifted to a lower paying lower stress job or even went part-time. There's nothing that indicates he is pushing her to stay in this job or that he isn't willing to live a more modest lifestyle. However, for his wife, it seems that good really means the best and she wants him to provide it which is absurd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again.

I should have mentioned that we don’t live in DC anymore - moved for her job. Still in another major east coast city. That complicates her ability to just dive back into Uncle Sam, and to some extent makes my lateral moving ability more complicated, but it’s not a deal breaker. I am currently gaining the management and financial chops to become competitive for SES and fin reg, but that will take a couple of years of expertise building and networking. My point was that my earnings ceiling has not been reached. My agency in particular is not DC-centric and won’t block advancement opps just because I am not at HQ.

I realize the root of our problem is in many years of bad financial decisions, a hole that we are just now digging out of. Another part of my resentment is that my wife’s lifestyle desires drive a lot of our stress — they’re not mine. She won’t compromise on the caliber of preschool we put our kids in, insists on organic milk every time, only gets excited by homes that around $1M in cost (in the good school, good commute neighborhoods in our city). So just to be clear, the lifestyle creep is not being driven by me. She needs to sort out of what she wants in life, and not live in eternal bitterness and anger at me for not being able to rescue her. But I understand her resentment at its core and a lot of the above comments make sense.

The resentment has ebbs and flows. When her work is manageable, we chug along ok. But she’s in fire drill land, I become the proxy emotional target for all the things in life she’s frustrated about.

She won't compromise on schools, food quality, etc because it's a proxy for parenting. She feels guilty about not being around more and is trying to make sure that everything she can control is the best available.

You stated upthread that your financial stressors are that you want a house in a good school zone with a short commute and now you're putting that on her. So you no longer care about commutes and schools? Instead of taking anything away from the comments in this thread with advice to try to actually improve your situation, you're pivoting further into "she's the one to blame" with every post. FTR, you applying for jobs (the jobs you've already said you plan to apply for, but now that it could actually help your marriage: "no, that's later") to make more money so she can lean out the way that you already have is not a rescue. It's a partnership. Unless you're willing to say that she's currently "rescuing" you with her higher salary?

I thought the people calling you whiny were projecting, but you're devolving into someone it's hard to pity.

That's bs. Two GS-15 type salaries could buy a very comfortable life including good schools, short commute, etc. Even if OP's wife halves her salary, they would still be fine.

OP seems fine with downsizing to prioritize what's important to the family (i.e. smaller/older house for a shorter commute).

OP's wife wants a more expensive lifestyle but wants him to provide it. No one is entitled to a lavish lifestyle that they can't or aren't willing earn for themselves.

She has to decide if she wants a lower paying job with a better work life balance or a more expensive lifestyle that requires a stressful job with longer hours.

Not sure what's "BS" - I'm pointing out that OP has shifted his explanation from "we want a house with a short commute and good schools" to "SHE wants it," which is something OPs tend to do when responses don't go the way they want. Also "lavish lifestyle" seems to be entirely your own editorializing. Based on his posts they've sold their house and downsized to a cheap apartment, she works longer hours than he does and make more money than he does, and her big wasteful expense is . . . preschool?

He said he wants to make more money at a financial regulator. When I said, okay, you should do that, they're hiring right now in droves, he says no. Then other people say "you probably won't be able to anyway, if you're outside DC," and his response is YES I CAN! So he wants it to be clear that this is an option available to him, but not actually make any moves toward it. She supported him when he took a step back to a lower paying job, and now he is refusing to do the same thing for her.

+1 Agree.

OP keeps shifting his story. I suspect now that his wife probably does a lot more of the work at home than OP acknowledges.

That's nothing in OP's posts that indicates that. His story doesn't actually shift. Additionally, good schools with a short commute can mean a lot of different things. Maybe OP is fine with a school with a GS rating of 7 but his wife will only accept 9. And he's fine with a 40 min commute but his wife will only accept a 20 min commute. Or for example, a healthy diet only requires eating a healthy, balanced diet. There's nothing about healthy diet that requires eating exclusively or even partly organic. Maybe OP is fine with non-organic groceries but his wife wants only organic.

It seems that OP is fine with a lifestyle where good means good enough, especially if he has a job he enjoys with good work life balance. And it seems that OP would be fine if his wife downshifted to a lower paying lower stress job or even went part-time. There's nothing that indicates he is pushing her to stay in this job or that he isn't willing to live a more modest lifestyle. However, for his wife, it seems that good really means the best and she wants him to provide it which is absurd.

LOL, maybe if you didn't read until the last page? His story absolutely did shift. In the first post where he mentioned a house, he said "What’s the source of our financial stress now? Just affording a down payment and monthly payments on a home in a major east coast city with schools we love and a commute that won’t crush us. What everyone wants."

Now he's saying that SHE only gets excited about in the good school, good commute neighborhoods in our city, which is evidence that SHE is driving any lifestyle costs. That's a freaking 180. First it was "everyone wants this, we need to love the schools, we can't have long commutes" and when people said "you need to adjust your expectations" it became only his DW and he's totally reasonable.

Fun fact: he never actually gave any evidence of his own reasonableness, but PPs have been more than willing to invent them for him, like you're doing here. And the only example of his wife's spendiness is preschool and organic milk, and a house search with parameters he cosigned 2 hours ago and now is pretending are all her.

[Anonymous]

OP again. Thanks for all the responses, even the harsh ones.

DC really is a bubble insofar as the federal government allows lawyers to have meaningful work, a decent salary, and a life. Part of my family’s stress is that there don’t seem to be a lot of part-time/flexible and substantive jobs for my wife to take. And this is someone who (in all seriousness) could theoretically parlay her current job into a 350k gig elsewhere in tech or pharma.

I think what my wife is most frustrated about is that she couldn’t just up and quit, take a breather for a few months, and figure stuff out on her own terms. Anyway, I appreciate all the advice — I read all of it.

[Anonymous]

I don’t blame her for resenting you. Unless someone else is funding law school, incurring all that dept to make 160k seems silly. She probably resents her choices too. If she knew then she wanted to be a SAHM, she probably would have picked a more flexible career that didn’t come with such a high expense.

But what’s done is done. I do think you should look for something to make more money though. Your salary is such that she can’t afford to look for a job she would like better and offer a better work/life balance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t blame her for resenting you. Unless someone else is funding law school, incurring all that dept to make 160k seems silly. She probably resents her choices too. If she knew then she wanted to be a SAHM, she probably would have picked a more flexible career that didn’t come with such a high expense.

But what’s done is done. I do think you should look for something to make more money though. Your salary is such that she can’t afford to look for a job she would like better and offer a better work/life balance.

This is so ridiculous in my opinion. $160k with great benefits, a pension, and great work life balance where someone gets to spend time with their kids is perfectly reasonable and a good salary. With a two salary household if the other person was "only" making 80k that would be a 240k household income. That is more than enough for a family. Balancing salary and not being worked like a dog is very worthwhile in my opinion. And op taking on debt to find a job that pays well over six figures that he LOVES and still gets to be with his family actually DOES seem worth it to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The root of this question is that your wife does not want to work in order to be a SAHM. Did you discuss this before getting married?

Huh! I was a career woman who was clear that I would not be a SAHM after kids. DH agreed with me. Guess when I had that discussion? When I did not have kids!!

Once we had kids, DH and I decided that having a SAHM at home is best for everyone's well being in the family. Of course, DH makes enough that I can hire staff and I don't have to fulfill all the roles at home. But, yeah, this narrative of a lazy woman wanting to be a SAHM is what makes other women ok about their own choices. But in the end, most moms who work are working because the household needs their financial contribution.

Calling yourself a "career woman" and saying you have "staff" means you're either a troll or 80 years old. So, nice try.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t blame her for resenting you. Unless someone else is funding law school, incurring all that dept to make 160k seems silly. She probably resents her choices too. If she knew then she wanted to be a SAHM, she probably would have picked a more flexible career that didn’t come with such a high expense.

But what’s done is done. I do think you should look for something to make more money though. Your salary is such that she can’t afford to look for a job she would like better and offer a better work/life balance.

This is so ridiculous in my opinion. $160k with great benefits, a pension, and great work life balance where someone gets to spend time with their kids is perfectly reasonable and a good salary. With a two salary household if the other person was "only" making 80k that would be a 240k household income. That is more than enough for a family. Balancing salary and not being worked like a dog is very worthwhile in my opinion. And op taking on debt to find a job that pays well over six figures that he LOVES and still gets to be with his family actually DOES seem worth it to me.

Sorry disagree. If you take out 300k in student dept then you should be prepared to hussel- not find the easiest 9-5 job possible

[Anonymous]

I have gone through periods where I wished my husband earned more or had more earning potential. I was unhappy in my job, resented his free time, and wished I didn’t have to be the breadwinner AND the mom. My husband is helpful and involved, but young kids are just wired to say “mom mom mom” 1000 times a day.

Ultimately I got over it. My kids are a bit older now and I have a bit of time for friends and hobbies now. I found a role at work I enjoy more. With additional seniority, I have a bit more flexibility. But ultimately I had to examine why I felt entitled for my husband to “save” me. Do male breadwinners feel that way? Probably not. I had to save myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Feels very troll TBH.

No it doesn’t. It feels like a very honest, authentic admission and a dynamic that happens in marry marriages.

Yes it does. Here are some clues: mentions leaving biglaw, a big DCUM pot stir topic. He heads off the inevitable accusations that he doesn’t do enough at home to remove stress by claiming she appreciates what he does domestically. In fact the whole OP carefully heads off the classic first lines of attack, and also asks to validate feelings instead of asking how to solve problems. The title is a classic DCUM troll post, mentioning both resentment and money. I’m pretty sure I’ve seen the exact same subject line a couple times on here, and it always gets many pages.

I know a lot of people like this though. One partner wants to quit BigLaw and go to government (usually the guy) or quit totally and SAHM (usually female) but can’t because of debt. So I find it believable.