Wife resents me for not earning more

[Anonymous]

I am having the same huge fights with my spouse but I am the wife who’s a gs-15 and he’s at biglaw. He thinks we both should contribute evenly to finances and no one gets a free ride.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am having the same huge fights with my spouse but I am the wife who’s a gs-15 and he’s at biglaw. He thinks we both should contribute evenly to finances and no one gets a free ride.

What does that even mean in the context of marriage? Contribute evenly to finances? Where does the “extra” go? My DH and I are exactly the same situation but it’s all a joint pool.

[Anonymous]

OP, I empathize. In my case, I’d actually love to trade places with my spouse if it meant that I had a “me” at home. I slowed the brakes on my career for a fed gig that gives me the flexibility to handle most of the “home work.” DH became a partner with all the stress and financial reward that entails. I’d love to work like that again and be compensated that way, if DH were able to stop and take the part time gig.

But, that’s just not the way it worked out. What am I supposed to do, wallow in it? Look, you’re still a GS 15, in the grand scheme of things that’s good money and benefits, even in this area. Your DW can’t quit and SAHM, true, but neither can virtually anyone in the country.

[Anonymous]

Downsize you house/neighborhood so she can go fed. Your kids need you and your wife more than the need your hour/neighborhood. Move to a townhouse if necessary. Don’t give up your time with your kids they need both parents more than they need that salary. If she wants a fancier house/neighborhood then she will divorce you either way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Downsize you house/neighborhood so she can go fed. Your kids need you and your wife more than the need your hour/neighborhood. Move to a townhouse if necessary. Don’t give up your time with your kids they need both parents more than they need that salary. If she wants a fancier house/neighborhood then she will divorce you either way.

I believe he said they already downsized to an apt

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am having the same huge fights with my spouse but I am the wife who’s a gs-15 and he’s at biglaw. He thinks we both should contribute evenly to finances and no one gets a free ride.

What does that even mean in the context of marriage? Contribute evenly to finances? Where does the “extra” go? My DH and I are exactly the same situation but it’s all a joint pool.

This DH makes close to 500, I work part time and make less than 50. We have the same amount of money.

[Anonymous]

Should I feel this way?

Too many paragraphs. You take-up too much of the oxygen in the room. That's probably driving her crazy.

[Anonymous]

I get the distinct sense that OP doesn't want to do anything unpleasant to him, and expects his wife to do everything unpleasant in their marriage. No wonder she is angry.

[Anonymous]

Frankly, with our debt loads,

The specifics re: this tells all. It is ridiculous that you can't live on 160K+

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am having the same huge fights with my spouse but I am the wife who’s a gs-15 and he’s at biglaw. He thinks we both should contribute evenly to finances and no one gets a free ride.

What does that even mean in the context of marriage? Contribute evenly to finances? Where does the “extra” go? My DH and I are exactly the same situation but it’s all a joint pool.

This DH makes close to 500, I work part time and make less than 50. We have the same amount of money.

Huh? So he doesn’t spend any more than you earn? He’s just saving the rest? And what about retirement, will it be all for hi, and not for you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am having the same huge fights with my spouse but I am the wife who’s a gs-15 and he’s at biglaw. He thinks we both should contribute evenly to finances and no one gets a free ride.

What does that even mean in the context of marriage? Contribute evenly to finances? Where does the “extra” go? My DH and I are exactly the same situation but it’s all a joint pool.

This DH makes close to 500, I work part time and make less than 50. We have the same amount of money.

Huh? So he doesn’t spend any more than you earn? He’s just saving the rest? And what about retirement, will it be all for hi, and not for you?

I wrote this— essentially there’s no actual real world effects except for very annoying comments that my lifestyle is a “free ride”. We were both in big law when we met and I went to govt and I think he feels like it’s unfair I get to be the one who is happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am having the same huge fights with my spouse but I am the wife who’s a gs-15 and he’s at biglaw. He thinks we both should contribute evenly to finances and no one gets a free ride.

What does that even mean in the context of marriage? Contribute evenly to finances? Where does the “extra” go? My DH and I are exactly the same situation but it’s all a joint pool.

This DH makes close to 500, I work part time and make less than 50. We have the same amount of money.

Huh? So he doesn’t spend any more than you earn? He’s just saving the rest? And what about retirement, will it be all for hi, and not for you?

I wrote this— essentially there’s no actual real world effects except for very annoying comments that my lifestyle is a “free ride”. We were both in big law when we met and I went to govt and I think he feels like it’s unfair I get to be the one who is happy.

We are still double biglaw and your husband is a fool. Both being in biglaw with kids is miserable.

[Anonymous]

Thank you! That makes me feel better about my decision- I left w baby 1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am having the same huge fights with my spouse but I am the wife who’s a gs-15 and he’s at biglaw. He thinks we both should contribute evenly to finances and no one gets a free ride.

What does that even mean in the context of marriage? Contribute evenly to finances? Where does the “extra” go? My DH and I are exactly the same situation but it’s all a joint pool.

This DH makes close to 500, I work part time and make less than 50. We have the same amount of money.

Huh? So he doesn’t spend any more than you earn? He’s just saving the rest? And what about retirement, will it be all for hi, and not for you?

I wrote this— essentially there’s no actual real world effects except for very annoying comments that my lifestyle is a “free ride”. We were both in big law when we met and I went to govt and I think he feels like it’s unfair I get to be the one who is happy.

Are you willing to downsize your life significantly so he could have an option of scaling back? If not, I get his resentment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you! That makes me feel better about my decision- I left w baby 1.

We are expecting baby #3 and every day (including weekends) is a battle over who is actually busier. Of course he thinks it’s *always* him and would never dream of picking up the slack for *me.* I really doubt your husband would be willing to make the sacrifices to his own professional performance it would take for you to make biglaw partner. He probably doesn’t have the foggiest idea what that would actually look like, since he’s only ever had you doing what it took for him to become partner.