Wife resents me for not earning more

[Anonymous]

Lifestyle inflation.

It’s ridiculous to say you can’t make it on two GS 15 salaries even with student loans. Or a GS 15 and something other than biglaw or corporate.

She needs to apply to other jobs and you both need to look at your finances and see where you can cut some expenses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Feels very troll TBH.

No it doesn’t. It feels like a very honest, authentic admission and a dynamic that happens in marry marriages.

Truth. I live this. There's no way she can manage your career for you and reverse roles so her only option is to come to terms with lowering her salary and the related expenditures and way of life. It's either worth it for her to "sink to your level" for the quality of life she wants or it isn't. Not much she can do about having married beta. Not much you can do about being beta. Sucks all around. Shurg.

[Anonymous]

I will never understand people who take literally hundreds of thousands of dollars in student loan debt. It’s crazy making every time I hear these stupid stories. OP, keep your job. It is working for you and your family. Cut expenses, call your wife’s resentment out and tell her to cut it out or find a therapist or divorce you. She’s the problem here. Takes out enormous debt for law school and now wants to be a stay at home? Did she tell you any of this when you were dating/engaged. She sounds selfish. I’m a woman, wife and mother BTW

[Anonymous]

OP - first, address your shame. Shame will not help you - it will just paralyze you from acting, or you will act in ways not aligned with your best self. Your wife has some sh&t to sort out too, but you can only change the way you think and feel about this. Your 20s are done. You cannot go back. You have your present, and hopefully your future.

With self-compassion, look at the actual numbers of your current income and expenses. Then write down what your "financial" goals are. And how to you want to live now and hopefully in the future. Are your kids in day care? Will that expense be eliminated in the near future? There may be a trade off where you don't save as aggressively or pay of debt to allow some more flexibility in your wife's schedule while the kids are young and to avoid paying some day care.

Do you want to move?

Good luck! Change comes first from self-awareness and self-compassion, and then action. Shed the shame and move forward, young man!

[Anonymous]

Are you two willing to move to bumf**k nowhere with a combined salary of 160K (if you both work) or 100K if its just you?

If so, go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I will never understand people who take literally hundreds of thousands of dollars in student loan debt. It’s crazy making every time I hear these stupid stories. OP, keep your job. It is working for you and your family. Cut expenses, call your wife’s resentment out and tell her to cut it out or find a therapist or divorce you. She’s the problem here. Takes out enormous debt for law school and now wants to be a stay at home? Did she tell you any of this when you were dating/engaged. She sounds selfish. I’m a woman, wife and mother BTW

+1! - also a wife and mother of 2 kids, who worked Big Law but is now a GS-15 and loving it

[Anonymous]

What is the current SL balance? How is it split between you, and how long until PSLF kicks in for your portion? Do you have a mortgage? Saving for a down payment? Does she need to earn $230k, is my bottom-line question.

Your wife needs to go back to a fed job with telework and a better balance. I'm in biglaw and DH is a fed (non-lawyer) and I get jealous of his work/life balance all.the.time. so I doubt this is a troll. But the only thing you can do is figure out how to set up your life so that two fed salaries are enough.

Honestly if this is not a troll you'd get better answers in the Money forum.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Holy cow, was not expecting all that. Some more info, in response to all the questions:

There is a light at the end of the tunnel financially. Our debt is down from 300k to 60k, our youngest will be out of daycare in a year and a half, so that will certainly be a gusher of money (roughly 3500 in take home pay back in our pockets per month). We have dramatically downsized our life, selling a home we were house poor in (another bad decision), and renting an apt instead. Housing costs extremely low. Plus in our defense, we have no credit card debt and both have near perfect credit scores.

What’s the source of our financial stress now? Just affording a down payment and monthly payments on a home in a major east coast city with schools we love and a commute that won’t crush us. What everyone wants. The telework may mitigate the third issue somewhat. Also need to save for college.

Re my wife’s expectations before getting married, this is a major source of my resentment. She never communicated in any way that she’d want to be part-time or stay at home, and that she’d want to marry a primary breadwinner. And I never held myself out as that type. But in fairness to her, we were both clueless about what life would be like with kids, and she probably just didn’t know that about herself. But her criticisms really sting —- I graduated near the top of my class from a good law school, and when I see classmates make partner and provide for their families it really makes me feel terrible. It makes me realize that I wouldn’t blame women for marrying for money. But on the flip side, I am have reasonable options to advance in government beyond a GS-15 (either SES or with a financial regulator, given my area of specialization), and I can see a higher ceiling to my earnings. Just not enough, I guess.

As for housework, look it varies based on how busy we are (remember, I do have a full-time job), so I’d say my median contribution to household and kid tasks is somewhere near 60%, much higher when her work is insane and lower when mine gets busy, which it does sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not in law, but rather am a PhD Scientist. A Phd in sciences +$5 will get you a latte at startbucks -- in other words, there is no intrinsic value to the degree. It might open some doors, and might allow me to compete for jobs I find more interesting, but it is impossible to establish a dollar value. The only good side is I finished th doctorate debt free at 29 (debt free because I had stipend that covered living expenses and tuition).

So, at 30 something, I was engaged, working many hours a week, and making 60 K. My MIL could not understand how I had so little money. I was unable to explain why one would chose education for the sake of education. It only changed when we supplied grandkids.

Now, the good news/ and this can be your story: 28 years into my working carreer, my salary has continued to grow. I now make close to 200K, with debt limited to mortgage (we have 400K equity in the house). Net worth is about 2 mil. And kids college is paid for (and she is going to a good school).

The secrete is to live within the means, and spend money on things that appreciate (e.g., buy a house instead of rent an appt.). And use any retirement savings available, particularly if there is a match.

In my field, 60k isn’t “so little money”, it’s a decent salary. DH and make 170k combined and it’s been just fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The root of this question is that your wife does not want to work in order to be a SAHM. Did you discuss this before getting married?

Huh! I was a career woman who was clear that I would not be a SAHM after kids. DH agreed with me. Guess when I had that discussion? When I did not have kids!!

Once we had kids, DH and I decided that having a SAHM at home is best for everyone's well being in the family. Of course, DH makes enough that I can hire staff and I don't have to fulfill all the roles at home. But, yeah, this narrative of a lazy woman wanting to be a SAHM is what makes other women ok about their own choices. But in the end, most moms who work are working because the household needs their financial contribution.

[Anonymous]

1. It 2020. OP's wife needs to get over herself. She's not entitled to be sahp on account of being a woman.

2. She also chose to take on a high debt load to go to law school. Like all adults, she has to live with choices of her bad decisions.


OP pulls his weight at home so it's not as though she's being unfairly burdened there. OP shouldn't feel guilty about 1 or 2.

At this point, their debt is much lower and daycare expenses are almost finished. OP's wife needs to start looking for a lower paying job with better work-life balance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. It 2020. OP's wife needs to get over herself. She's not entitled to be sahp on account of being a woman.

2. She also chose to take on a high debt load to go to law school. Like all adults, she has to live with choices of her bad decisions.


OP pulls his weight at home so it's not as though she's being unfairly burdened there. OP shouldn't feel guilty about 1 or 2.

At this point, their debt is much lower and daycare expenses are almost finished. OP's wife needs to start looking for a lower paying job with better work-life balance.

+1

OP, why are you over looking this important part?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Holy cow, was not expecting all that. Some more info, in response to all the questions:

There is a light at the end of the tunnel financially. Our debt is down from 300k to 60k, our youngest will be out of daycare in a year and a half, so that will certainly be a gusher of money (roughly 3500 in take home pay back in our pockets per month). We have dramatically downsized our life, selling a home we were house poor in (another bad decision), and renting an apt instead. Housing costs extremely low. Plus in our defense, we have no credit card debt and both have near perfect credit scores.

What’s the source of our financial stress now? Just affording a down payment and monthly payments on a home in a major east coast city with schools we love and a commute that won’t crush us. What everyone wants. The telework may mitigate the third issue somewhat. Also need to save for college.

Re my wife’s expectations before getting married, this is a major source of my resentment. She never communicated in any way that she’d want to be part-time or stay at home, and that she’d want to marry a primary breadwinner. And I never held myself out as that type. But in fairness to her, we were both clueless about what life would be like with kids, and she probably just didn’t know that about herself. But her criticisms really sting —- I graduated near the top of my class from a good law school, and when I see classmates make partner and provide for their families it really makes me feel terrible. It makes me realize that I wouldn’t blame women for marrying for money. But on the flip side, I am have reasonable options to advance in government beyond a GS-15 (either SES or with a financial regulator, given my area of specialization), and I can see a higher ceiling to my earnings. Just not enough, I guess.

As for housework, look it varies based on how busy we are (remember, I do have a full-time job), so I’d say my median contribution to household and kid tasks is somewhere near 60%, much higher when her work is insane and lower when mine gets busy, which it does sometimes.

You should apply for fin reg jobs now (there are more openings than I've ever seen, and if you have experience and are already a fed you'll have a leg up). She should also be looking for a fed job, unless you're waiting one more bonus cycle or something. This combo of moves (you at SEC or something, her as a GS-14 in some non-frantic agency) effectively flips your income situation, which is what she says she wants, while keeping you in the exact job trajectory you state that you want. It's not clear to me why the obvious solution is brought up as a "sometime, eventually, maybe" instead of "this is what we're doing."

You started off this thread saying she resents you and you feel shame, now you're saying you resent her. If your marriage is worth more than $60k, you need to make some changes. You might not end up in North Arlington but there are plenty of places where two feds can afford a house and good public schools within commuting distance.

I'll say this just because I haven't seen it mentioned: you quit biglaw because it was killing you and went to a GS-13, which is a huge paycut, even though you guys had huge student loans outstanding. That was the right choice for you in every personal way based on what you've said about it - you love your job, it has a good work/life balance, you can see an upward path for your career. Your wife also left a job that she hated, but for more money, and it didn't work out as well for her. But now she feels like taking a paycut isn't a viable option for her - the new job is incredibly stressful, but you have much higher expenses now than when you made the "lean out" decision, there are kids to think about. It's not your fault that she feels stuck, but it would be helpful if you understood why she does and were able to validate that feeling. You got to make the "financially irresponsible" choice of taking a paycut and have reaped benefits, but she feels like that choice is not available to her because you have kids now. This is a situation you can fix as a team, but you need to be working as a team. Make sure she knows you support her taking a step back to a lower paying job, and that you have plans (even if they're long-term) to increase your income.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Holy cow, was not expecting all that. Some more info, in response to all the questions:

There is a light at the end of the tunnel financially. Our debt is down from 300k to 60k, our youngest will be out of daycare in a year and a half, so that will certainly be a gusher of money (roughly 3500 in take home pay back in our pockets per month). We have dramatically downsized our life, selling a home we were house poor in (another bad decision), and renting an apt instead. Housing costs extremely low. Plus in our defense, we have no credit card debt and both have near perfect credit scores.

What’s the source of our financial stress now? Just affording a down payment and monthly payments on a home in a major east coast city with schools we love and a commute that won’t crush us. What everyone wants. The telework may mitigate the third issue somewhat. Also need to save for college.

Re my wife’s expectations before getting married, this is a major source of my resentment. She never communicated in any way that she’d want to be part-time or stay at home, and that she’d want to marry a primary breadwinner. And I never held myself out as that type. But in fairness to her, we were both clueless about what life would be like with kids, and she probably just didn’t know that about herself. But her criticisms really sting —- I graduated near the top of my class from a good law school, and when I see classmates make partner and provide for their families it really makes me feel terrible. It makes me realize that I wouldn’t blame women for marrying for money. But on the flip side, I am have reasonable options to advance in government beyond a GS-15 (either SES or with a financial regulator, given my area of specialization), and I can see a higher ceiling to my earnings. Just not enough, I guess.

As for housework, look it varies based on how busy we are (remember, I do have a full-time job), so I’d say my median contribution to household and kid tasks is somewhere near 60%, much higher when her work is insane and lower when mine gets busy, which it does sometimes.

Actually, most people in high cost cities don't get the house with great schools and good commute and save for college and have a SAHM and are wealthy. Only some people do. What do rest of folks do? Compromise. When I married my DH, both of us worked like dogs but lived in poverty for 5 years. Guess what? We did not have a child in those 5 years.

You all seem to be living beyond your means and for what? Your wife is stressed, you are stressed and I bet your kids are stressed. You are missing the best years of your children childhood. You need to work with your wife to priortize things in your life. You are making a very good salary on your own. Even if your wife is working, y'all should bank the entirity of her earning and live on only your salary. That is the only way to build wealth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lifestyle inflation.

It’s ridiculous to say you can’t make it on two GS 15 salaries even with student loans. Or a GS 15 and something other than biglaw or corporate.

She needs to apply to other jobs and you both need to look at your finances and see where you can cut some expenses.

+1

We live on two GS-15 salaries. It's unreasonable for one person to have to work a job they hate to make enough money to support the other person. It would also be unreasonable if OP was unwilling to downsize their lifestyle so they could live on two of his salaries. If his wife is unwilling to downsize, then she can work the job she hates to pay for the stuff she wants. OP should encourage her to apply for jobs that are in his salary range, whether that's federal or another kind of law. They should both work to cut their expenses so that they can afford to do this.