Wife resents me for not earning more

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP, your problem is not that your wife wants you to rescue her. Your problem is that you want your wife to rescue you AND be happy about it.

She’s rescuing you, but she’s not happy about it.

OP doesn't want to be rescued!! he's fine with their new existence of living in a condo, and work life balance. He worked big law when his wife was in government, and presumably took care of a lot of student loans during that time, and now the tables have turned and his wife is the one contributing more (though making $160k, OP is presumably contributing too). During and before law school, they both were equally complicit in living beyond their means and racking up debt. In the 10 (?) years since they graduated from law school, they've both contributing pretty darn equally to the paying down of their debt and household expenses. Op's wife however, wants to work less or not at all, so that he can work more...?

What the hell is wrong with you people that you're looking for something to criticize OP for?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP, your problem is not that your wife wants you to rescue her. Your problem is that you want your wife to rescue you AND be happy about it.

She’s rescuing you, but she’s not happy about it.

OP doesn't want to be rescued!! he's fine with their new existence of living in a condo, and work life balance. He worked big law when his wife was in government, and presumably took care of a lot of student loans during that time, and now the tables have turned and his wife is the one contributing more (though making $160k, OP is presumably contributing too). During and before law school, they both were equally complicit in living beyond their means and racking up debt. In the 10 (?) years since they graduated from law school, they've both contributing pretty darn equally to the paying down of their debt and household expenses. Op's wife however, wants to work less or not at all, so that he can work more...?

What the hell is wrong with you people that you're looking for something to criticize OP for?

OP never said his wife went straight to gov out of law school?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP, your problem is not that your wife wants you to rescue her. Your problem is that you want your wife to rescue you AND be happy about it.

She’s rescuing you, but she’s not happy about it.

OP doesn't want to be rescued!! he's fine with their new existence of living in a condo, and work life balance. He worked big law when his wife was in government, and presumably took care of a lot of student loans during that time, and now the tables have turned and his wife is the one contributing more (though making $160k, OP is presumably contributing too). During and before law school, they both were equally complicit in living beyond their means and racking up debt. In the 10 (?) years since they graduated from law school, they've both contributing pretty darn equally to the paying down of their debt and household expenses. Op's wife however, wants to work less or not at all, so that he can work more...?

What the hell is wrong with you people that you're looking for something to criticize OP for?

OP never said his wife went straight to gov out of law school?

Yes, he did. He said in the very first paragraph of his very first post that she went to the federal government. She didn't like that either because she didn't like her boss and non-flexibility. I think (but can't remember where he posted it, so admittedly could be wrong on this item) that he said her government salary wasn't great - low $100s. Or maybe he said that about her potential salary if she went back to government?

OP and his wife have contributed VERY equally to the finances of their household since law school.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like the wife is perpetually dissatisfied with things, jobs included. I would be very wary of acquiescing to her being a SAHM because it's likely she won't like that either. That's not exactly a picnic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Those years of having young kids is difficult for any marriage. I used to want to stay home back then too. DH earned 200. I earned 150. DH eventually increased his income and I did stay home when we had our third. Now I am resentful being a SAHM because DH can’t scale back and we don’t want to outsource all our childcare. You can never win.

Op, your wife just needs to find a job she likes. I have met a lot of SAHM former lawyers though so it is not uncommon for women not want to practice law.

You sound like someone who is never happy. My husband and I have won. So have most of our friends. We've all found a situation that works for us. It's possible to do if you're not constantly changing the goal posts, which it sounds like you do.

Perhaps you are older. In our circles, everyone seems to struggle with work life balance. We have kids in preschool and elementary.

Most people probably think we are winning. DH earns a seven figure income. My kids are raised by an Ivy educated mom. Kids are thriving.

I am still allowed to feel some resentment. We are entitled to our own feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like the wife is perpetually dissatisfied with things, jobs included. I would be very wary of acquiescing to her being a SAHM because it's likely she won't like that either. That's not exactly a picnic.

This. This. This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Those years of having young kids is difficult for any marriage. I used to want to stay home back then too. DH earned 200. I earned 150. DH eventually increased his income and I did stay home when we had our third. Now I am resentful being a SAHM because DH can’t scale back and we don’t want to outsource all our childcare. You can never win.

Op, your wife just needs to find a job she likes. I have met a lot of SAHM former lawyers though so it is not uncommon for women not want to practice law.

You sound like someone who is never happy. My husband and I have won. So have most of our friends. We've all found a situation that works for us. It's possible to do if you're not constantly changing the goal posts, which it sounds like you do.

Perhaps you are older. In our circles, everyone seems to struggle with work life balance. We have kids in preschool and elementary.

Most people probably think we are winning. DH earns a seven figure income. My kids are raised by an Ivy educated mom. Kids are thriving.

I am still allowed to feel some resentment. We are entitled to our own feelings.

I have first-grade twins and I didn't have them late in life so no, I'm not older. You are entitled to whatever feelings you have, but your post suggests you haven trouble finding happiness wherever you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok, problem solving time here...

OP, why don't you consider an in-house counsel job? Surely the hours would be the same as Fed, pay much better and the opportunity to catch equity windfalls are there if you land in a nice/small publicly traded company. It's how we got out of school debt, tbh.

OP has already said he imagines he'll go to a fin reg agency, which is the same salary his wife currently makes but with better hours, benefits, and stability than in house. But he's not going to actually apply for any fin reg jobs, even though there's currently a glut of openings at the moment, because that would mean she won, or something?

He doesn't want to problem solve. He wants to trash his wife on a message board.

OP has said multiple times that he intends to apply in a couple years, but he is currently not qualified to get one of those jobs so there is no sense in applying.

The hate for OP on this thread is ridiculous. He has a good job with excellent (economic and non-economic) benefits above and beyond his salary. He expects moderate salary growth in the future. He and his wife have paid off a $240k of student loans in a relatively short amount of time.

The fight he and his wife are having over income (whether he should make a little more or whether she should make a little less) is irrational-- because that extra amount he makes or little bit she loses is not the difference between the lifestyle they have vs the lifestyle his wife wants. Him making $50k more is not going to let his wife stay home or give them a 1%er lifestyle. Her making a little less in government will still afford them a sold UMC lifestyle.

In other words, his wife is just unhappy about working alot and the choices she's made, and she's looking to pin it on something or someone else. Sucks for OP that he has to bear the brunt of it.

That is something he said once, but it doesn't actually make sense. Either he's working somewhere he's getting fin reg experience now, in the federal government, in which case he could apply for a lateral (which would be an immediate pay raise based on the scale), or he was doing fin reg in Big Law and is not at his current job in the government, in which case a couple of more years wouldn't make him better positioned. And again: these jobs are usually few and far between, and dozens of posts are up now.

I was actually Team OP until he started changing his story to try to make his wife the scapegoat. I actually posted very early on to say "you can fix this as a team, just make sure she knows you support her taking a step back" and I was not the only one with actionable, concrete advice. But over the course of several pages he only responded to people dogging her out and calling her every name in the book, and ignored any constructive advice to actually help his wife and/or marriage. The last straw was the bit about how his wife, who currently works harder than him and makes more money than him in his own telling, would be asking for him to *rescue* her if she stepped back to the same kind of job he currently has. I'm not surprised people are taking his side, there's reflexive misogyny all over these boards (see the PP excoriating OPs wife for her two BMW leases every two years and European vacations - completely invented, but DCUM has never let that get in the way!), but I think his posts clearly lay out that he's a bad husband and partner.

+1

I was sympathetic to OP in his initial post. He subsequent posts have totally changed my view. I agree with PP above and went through a similar thought process.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Those years of having young kids is difficult for any marriage. I used to want to stay home back then too. DH earned 200. I earned 150. DH eventually increased his income and I did stay home when we had our third. Now I am resentful being a SAHM because DH can’t scale back and we don’t want to outsource all our childcare. You can never win.

Op, your wife just needs to find a job she likes. I have met a lot of SAHM former lawyers though so it is not uncommon for women not want to practice law.

You sound like someone who is never happy. My husband and I have won. So have most of our friends. We've all found a situation that works for us. It's possible to do if you're not constantly changing the goal posts, which it sounds like you do.

Perhaps you are older. In our circles, everyone seems to struggle with work life balance. We have kids in preschool and elementary.

Most people probably think we are winning. DH earns a seven figure income. My kids are raised by an Ivy educated mom. Kids are thriving.

I am still allowed to feel some resentment. We are entitled to our own feelings.

I have first-grade twins and I didn't have them late in life so no, I'm not older. You are entitled to whatever feelings you have, but your post suggests you haven trouble finding happiness wherever you are.

I guess you just have different friends because I would say everyone I know struggles, especially during this pandemic.

I am at a beautiful beach house with my kids right now. I would say we are pretty happy. Happiness is relative.

Even if OP switched to a more lucrative career and his wife decided to stay home, she may one day miss her career.

[Anonymous]

OP - can you propose that after your wife maxes out her 401K that all of her salary goes to the loan payments, and that essentially you live on her salary. Make a detailed plan for her of payments and that when you reach x she quits and lives off your salary or finds a job that fits her better.

I agree that you should not feel ashamed; it will be toxic to your marriage. It sounds like neither of you feel heard. Sit her down and ask her to tell you her fears. Listen and validate. Then ask her to do the same.

Then, throw out the solution like above or something else. Propose that you have a joint problem you need to fix jointly, which is true. GL!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - can you propose that after your wife maxes out her 401K that all of her salary goes to the loan payments, and that essentially you live on her salary. Make a detailed plan for her of payments and that when you reach x she quits and lives off your salary or finds a job that fits her better.

I agree that you should not feel ashamed; it will be toxic to your marriage. It sounds like neither of you feel heard. Sit her down and ask her to tell you her fears. Listen and validate. Then ask her to do the same.

Then, throw out the solution like above or something else. Propose that you have a joint problem you need to fix jointly, which is true. GL!

This is a good plan. Try to live off just your salary and have your wife throw her entire income at her student loans.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I just wanted to sincerely thank everyone for their input. I can’t respond to every query or thought that was raised, but please know I read all of them and appreciate the candid advice and (mostly) well wishes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Well we have a nice, frugal life making way less than you with two kids, so... so just let her figure it out. You don’t need to make more money. She could go part time. It’s your expenses you need to reconsider.

+1

Sounds like you just need to downsize in some areas. No reason why you can't have a nice life with those salaries. It's odd that the two of you go back and forth on who works the stressful job just to bring in more income. You'll never truly be happy doing that. Both of you need less stressful jobs with less expenses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are entitled and whiny. Really? You decided to take a low paying job and now feel bad that wife hates you? She is killing herself and you cannot understand this? Have you tried cutting down your lifestyle creep? You all should be living entirely on your salary. What's wrong with you? With your attitude, any woman would resent you. It has nothing to do with the fact that you are a beta male low earner type. It has everything to do with the fact that you are not a problem solver and do not have empathy.

WTF?? Projecting much??

[Anonymous]

This is a very similar situation to mine. I was the wife that resented my husband for leaving biglaw. He took a huge pay cut when I was on maternity leave. We quickly realized that I had to go back to work full time to stay afloat financially. I wanted to spend more time with our DC and continue to build a small business I stared but had to give that all up. It was devastating to me. I ended up going back into consulting and it was highly stressful. I stayed in that job for five years and had no work life balance. We are at the point of divorce. I resent him because the choice he made changed my path for the worse. I also felt like I had to give up having more children.