Everything was great for 6 months and then family finds out and boom: he ends it. Advice?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are you looking for here, OP?

It's possible he's BSing you about being shocked about their reaction.

It's also possible he was truly shocked despite what you may think he knows his family better than you and maybe his siblings are generally more progressive.

And if he described you as you are presenting yourself here I'd tell him to get out too and I'm American and very liberal.

To say the least, you seem very immature.

You both dodged a bullet here.

I suggest you press pause on dating and see a therapist to sort yourself.

And finally, your kids don't need to meet every man your banging.

OP here: I do not understand your last two sentences. I do not need to see a therapist. It is okay for me to be surprised by a 180-degree switch and sad because it was going so well.

My kids will never meet any man unless I am dating for at least 2 years and considering marriage. I have no idea where you got the idea he met my kids. No freaking way. Only if it is a super serious stage will my kids meet anyone.

I'm glad you wouldn't bring your kids around your fligs. Your previous comments made it seems like you would.

As for therapy your reaction is disproportionate to the situation. I suspect you have issues with boundaries, self-esteem managing expectations, you also come across as needlessly aggresive. Therapy would be beneficial to you personaly and help you in future relationships.

Op here: I do not think my reaction is disproportionate to the situation. I was upfront about my situation and assured it was fine. There were discussions that neither family would approve if we met in our 20s. I was pleasantly surprised how well things were going. I am surprised by the naïveté that family would take it easier than he thought. I did not think family should get involved unless we got to a serious point. We were not there yet. Multiple times he said he did not want to start having children in his 40s. He does not want to spend the energy and feels too old.

I do not have issues you allude to. There are no boundary or other issues. I believe what people tell me what they want—that is not having unrealistic expectations. The about face was unexpected because it was not at the stage to mention me with the status I have...otherwise it will kill it unless someone is committed and in a serious stage. I felt a little lied to because he should not have pursued me the way he did if siblings’ criticism is enough to end it. I feel this is likely to happen to him with any woman...not just me...but that is why I feel like I probably dodged a bullet. It will take me a little time to forget this...perfectly normal.

I am not needlessly aggressive when someone makes a comment that my kids don’t need to meet someone I am banging. I said nothing to insinuate that ever happened. I said I spent non-kid time with him. I was defending myself from a false accusation. That is not being overly aggressive.

You are sounding unstable OP. You dated for 6 months. It is his choice if/when/what he shares with his family. You don't get to dictate that or be "upset" with him for telling his family. He is a grown man. Time to move on

Unstable? There is nothing “unstable” here. I am surprised he was surprised at the reaction. No one is dictating anything. His response is 180 different than right before. It is surprising. I am moving on. I just think it was immature to not understand the reaction in advance and he should not have said anything unless he was sure about it. You certainly read into things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are you looking for here, OP?

It's possible he's BSing you about being shocked about their reaction.

It's also possible he was truly shocked despite what you may think he knows his family better than you and maybe his siblings are generally more progressive.

And if he described you as you are presenting yourself here I'd tell him to get out too and I'm American and very liberal.

To say the least, you seem very immature.

You both dodged a bullet here.

I suggest you press pause on dating and see a therapist to sort yourself.

And finally, your kids don't need to meet every man your banging.

OP here: I do not understand your last two sentences. I do not need to see a therapist. It is okay for me to be surprised by a 180-degree switch and sad because it was going so well.

My kids will never meet any man unless I am dating for at least 2 years and considering marriage. I have no idea where you got the idea he met my kids. No freaking way. Only if it is a super serious stage will my kids meet anyone.

I'm glad you wouldn't bring your kids around your fligs. Your previous comments made it seems like you would.

As for therapy your reaction is disproportionate to the situation. I suspect you have issues with boundaries, self-esteem managing expectations, you also come across as needlessly aggresive. Therapy would be beneficial to you personaly and help you in future relationships.

Op here: I do not think my reaction is disproportionate to the situation. I was upfront about my situation and assured it was fine. There were discussions that neither family would approve if we met in our 20s. I was pleasantly surprised how well things were going. I am surprised by the naïveté that family would take it easier than he thought. I did not think family should get involved unless we got to a serious point. We were not there yet. Multiple times he said he did not want to start having children in his 40s. He does not want to spend the energy and feels too old.

I do not have issues you allude to. There are no boundary or other issues. I believe what people tell me what they want—that is not having unrealistic expectations. The about face was unexpected because it was not at the stage to mention me with the status I have...otherwise it will kill it unless someone is committed and in a serious stage. I felt a little lied to because he should not have pursued me the way he did if siblings’ criticism is enough to end it. I feel this is likely to happen to him with any woman...not just me...but that is why I feel like I probably dodged a bullet. It will take me a little time to forget this...perfectly normal.

I am not needlessly aggressive when someone makes a comment that my kids don’t need to meet someone I am banging. I said nothing to insinuate that ever happened. I said I spent non-kid time with him. I was defending myself from a false accusation. That is not being overly aggressive.

You are sounding unstable OP. You dated for 6 months. It is his choice if/when/what he shares with his family. You don't get to dictate that or be "upset" with him for telling his family. He is a grown man. Time to move on

Unstable? There is nothing “unstable” here. I am surprised he was surprised at the reaction. No one is dictating anything. His response is 180 different than right before. It is surprising. I am moving on. I just think it was immature to not understand the reaction in advance and he should not have said anything unless he was sure about it. You certainly read into things.

No..its pretty nuts to be mad at your boyfriend for telling his family he is dating someone- it has been 6 months! His choice to share or not- let the cards fall

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’ve read so many of your posts. I say this with empathy and kindness as I am in almost the exact same situation as you - divorced with two kids after a massive error of a marriage - you need therapy. You seem fixated, angry and reactive. Maybe I’m wrong. But until you can forgive yourself and truly let go of the anger the happiness and love you’re seeking will continue to elude you. Good luck.

I am not fixated, angry or reactive. I do not know where you are getting this from.
I suspect he may reach out again—I simply asked in my first post if I dodged a bullet.
If he does, I wanted to know if it is hopeless or not. I am not angry. I am simply logical about my past. Some people (especially women) would read this is anger. It is not. It is logical. I am not in need of therapy. I can be surprised when someone does a complete unexpected about face.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’ve read so many of your posts. I say this with empathy and kindness as I am in almost the exact same situation as you - divorced with two kids after a massive error of a marriage - you need therapy. You seem fixated, angry and reactive. Maybe I’m wrong. But until you can forgive yourself and truly let go of the anger the happiness and love you’re seeking will continue to elude you. Good luck.

I am not fixated, angry or reactive. I do not know where you are getting this from.
I suspect he may reach out again—I simply asked in my first post if I dodged a bullet.
If he does, I wanted to know if it is hopeless or not. I am not angry. I am simply logical about my past. Some people (especially women) would read this is anger. It is not. It is logical. I am not in need of therapy. I can be surprised when someone does a complete unexpected about face.

Ok. Keep doing what you’re doing and see how it goes. No, you should not rekindle with this man. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are you looking for here, OP?

It's possible he's BSing you about being shocked about their reaction.

It's also possible he was truly shocked despite what you may think he knows his family better than you and maybe his siblings are generally more progressive.

And if he described you as you are presenting yourself here I'd tell him to get out too and I'm American and very liberal.

To say the least, you seem very immature.

You both dodged a bullet here.

I suggest you press pause on dating and see a therapist to sort yourself.

And finally, your kids don't need to meet every man your banging.

OP here: I do not understand your last two sentences. I do not need to see a therapist. It is okay for me to be surprised by a 180-degree switch and sad because it was going so well.

My kids will never meet any man unless I am dating for at least 2 years and considering marriage. I have no idea where you got the idea he met my kids. No freaking way. Only if it is a super serious stage will my kids meet anyone.

I'm glad you wouldn't bring your kids around your fligs. Your previous comments made it seems like you would.

As for therapy your reaction is disproportionate to the situation. I suspect you have issues with boundaries, self-esteem managing expectations, you also come across as needlessly aggresive. Therapy would be beneficial to you personaly and help you in future relationships.

Op here: I do not think my reaction is disproportionate to the situation. I was upfront about my situation and assured it was fine. There were discussions that neither family would approve if we met in our 20s. I was pleasantly surprised how well things were going. I am surprised by the naïveté that family would take it easier than he thought. I did not think family should get involved unless we got to a serious point. We were not there yet. Multiple times he said he did not want to start having children in his 40s. He does not want to spend the energy and feels too old.

I do not have issues you allude to. There are no boundary or other issues. I believe what people tell me what they want—that is not having unrealistic expectations. The about face was unexpected because it was not at the stage to mention me with the status I have...otherwise it will kill it unless someone is committed and in a serious stage. I felt a little lied to because he should not have pursued me the way he did if siblings’ criticism is enough to end it. I feel this is likely to happen to him with any woman...not just me...but that is why I feel like I probably dodged a bullet. It will take me a little time to forget this...perfectly normal.

I am not needlessly aggressive when someone makes a comment that my kids don’t need to meet someone I am banging. I said nothing to insinuate that ever happened. I said I spent non-kid time with him. I was defending myself from a false accusation. That is not being overly aggressive.

You are sounding unstable OP. You dated for 6 months. It is his choice if/when/what he shares with his family. You don't get to dictate that or be "upset" with him for telling his family. He is a grown man. Time to move on

Unstable? There is nothing “unstable” here. I am surprised he was surprised at the reaction. No one is dictating anything. His response is 180 different than right before. It is surprising. I am moving on. I just think it was immature to not understand the reaction in advance and he should not have said anything unless he was sure about it. You certainly read into things.

No..its pretty nuts to be mad at your boyfriend for telling his family he is dating someone- it has been 6 months! His choice to share or not- let the cards fall

I am not mad. I am shocked he did not expect that reaction. It seems really immature. I would not mention unless serious. By the way, only typical Americans in my opinion, would think this. I would not mention anyone unless at a serious stage. In conservative families with strong cultural ties, there is no reason to bring up a boyfriend or girlfriend unless you are considering marriage. “Dating” is not really acceptable. Most people in the US do not understand this. I am American but have very conservative strong cultural ties so I am not like most Americans. You just don’t bring up a random boyfriend/girlfriend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’ve read so many of your posts. I say this with empathy and kindness as I am in almost the exact same situation as you - divorced with two kids after a massive error of a marriage - you need therapy. You seem fixated, angry and reactive. Maybe I’m wrong. But until you can forgive yourself and truly let go of the anger the happiness and love you’re seeking will continue to elude you. Good luck.

I am not fixated, angry or reactive. I do not know where you are getting this from.
I suspect he may reach out again—I simply asked in my first post if I dodged a bullet.
If he does, I wanted to know if it is hopeless or not. I am not angry. I am simply logical about my past. Some people (especially women) would read this is anger. It is not. It is logical. I am not in need of therapy. I can be surprised when someone does a complete unexpected about face.

Ok. Keep doing what you’re doing and see how it goes. No, you should not rekindle with this man. Good luck.

Thank you. My gut was saying do not rekindle despite if I have temptations. I appreciate the feedback.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are you looking for here, OP?

It's possible he's BSing you about being shocked about their reaction.

It's also possible he was truly shocked despite what you may think he knows his family better than you and maybe his siblings are generally more progressive.

And if he described you as you are presenting yourself here I'd tell him to get out too and I'm American and very liberal.

To say the least, you seem very immature.

You both dodged a bullet here.

I suggest you press pause on dating and see a therapist to sort yourself.

And finally, your kids don't need to meet every man your banging.

OP here: I do not understand your last two sentences. I do not need to see a therapist. It is okay for me to be surprised by a 180-degree switch and sad because it was going so well.

My kids will never meet any man unless I am dating for at least 2 years and considering marriage. I have no idea where you got the idea he met my kids. No freaking way. Only if it is a super serious stage will my kids meet anyone.

I'm glad you wouldn't bring your kids around your fligs. Your previous comments made it seems like you would.

As for therapy your reaction is disproportionate to the situation. I suspect you have issues with boundaries, self-esteem managing expectations, you also come across as needlessly aggresive. Therapy would be beneficial to you personaly and help you in future relationships.

Op here: I do not think my reaction is disproportionate to the situation. I was upfront about my situation and assured it was fine. There were discussions that neither family would approve if we met in our 20s. I was pleasantly surprised how well things were going. I am surprised by the naïveté that family would take it easier than he thought. I did not think family should get involved unless we got to a serious point. We were not there yet. Multiple times he said he did not want to start having children in his 40s. He does not want to spend the energy and feels too old.

I do not have issues you allude to. There are no boundary or other issues. I believe what people tell me what they want—that is not having unrealistic expectations. The about face was unexpected because it was not at the stage to mention me with the status I have...otherwise it will kill it unless someone is committed and in a serious stage. I felt a little lied to because he should not have pursued me the way he did if siblings’ criticism is enough to end it. I feel this is likely to happen to him with any woman...not just me...but that is why I feel like I probably dodged a bullet. It will take me a little time to forget this...perfectly normal.

I am not needlessly aggressive when someone makes a comment that my kids don’t need to meet someone I am banging. I said nothing to insinuate that ever happened. I said I spent non-kid time with him. I was defending myself from a false accusation. That is not being overly aggressive.

You are sounding unstable OP. You dated for 6 months. It is his choice if/when/what he shares with his family. You don't get to dictate that or be "upset" with him for telling his family. He is a grown man. Time to move on

Unstable? There is nothing “unstable” here. I am surprised he was surprised at the reaction. No one is dictating anything. His response is 180 different than right before. It is surprising. I am moving on. I just think it was immature to not understand the reaction in advance and he should not have said anything unless he was sure about it. You certainly read into things.

No..its pretty nuts to be mad at your boyfriend for telling his family he is dating someone- it has been 6 months! His choice to share or not- let the cards fall

I am not mad. I am shocked he did not expect that reaction. It seems really immature. I would not mention unless serious. By the way, only typical Americans in my opinion, would think this. I would not mention anyone unless at a serious stage. In conservative families with strong cultural ties, there is no reason to bring up a boyfriend or girlfriend unless you are considering marriage. “Dating” is not really acceptable. Most people in the US do not understand this. I am American but have very conservative strong cultural ties so I am not like most Americans. You just don’t bring up a random boyfriend/girlfriend.

There is nothing immature about tell your family you have a girlfriend. Sooner or later the cat comes out off the bag. It isn't as if they would be ok with him marrying a divorced woman with kids, so doesn't matter if he told them now or later. Maybe you should stick to casually dating men that are "allowed" to casually date if that is what you want.

[Anonymous]

Being old divorced with kids is not good. He was probably excited to bag a white girl and had blinders on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Being old divorced with kids is not good. He was probably excited to bag a white girl and had blinders on.

OP has cultural issues too...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’ve read so many of your posts. I say this with empathy and kindness as I am in almost the exact same situation as you - divorced with two kids after a massive error of a marriage - you need therapy. You seem fixated, angry and reactive. Maybe I’m wrong. But until you can forgive yourself and truly let go of the anger the happiness and love you’re seeking will continue to elude you. Good luck.

This. And yes your reaction is disproportionate to the situation..You have said repeatedly it wasn't serious. He decided he was no longer interested. This is not worthy of you spending days stressing over or ranting in a multiple page thread. Move on from him. Get therapy, let go of your anger, and need to be right. Good luck to you.

+1.

[Anonymous]

A friend spent 8 years trying to become acceptable to her bf’s family. Including changing her fashion from regular to very modest, losing 50 lbs, and studying to convert to his religion. In the end, his teenage kids revealed that the issue was her RACE. Something she could do nothing about even if she wanted to. He confessed that he could not marry her or have her attend major life events because his kids’ marriage prospects were endangered. She had already marred relations with her own family over conversion. The worst part was that they worked together so she had to continue to see him every day after that. She eventually left for another firm.

[Anonymous]

Dysfunction seeks dysfunction. This is not surprising.

[Anonymous]

I think her problem is that a not so high status man dumped her. She must have thought that the BF would be grateful to be her Futzbuddy and she could have all the power in the relationship. His family realized exactly what she was and opened this guy's eyes. Still, he could always come back for occasional bootycalls.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’ve read so many of your posts. I say this with empathy and kindness as I am in almost the exact same situation as you - divorced with two kids after a massive error of a marriage - you need therapy. You seem fixated, angry and reactive. Maybe I’m wrong. But until you can forgive yourself and truly let go of the anger the happiness and love you’re seeking will continue to elude you. Good luck.

I am not fixated, angry or reactive. I do not know where you are getting this from.
I suspect he may reach out again—I simply asked in my first post if I dodged a bullet.
If he does, I wanted to know if it is hopeless or not. I am not angry. I am simply logical about my past. Some people (especially women) would read this is anger. It is not. It is logical. I am not in need of therapy. I can be surprised when someone does a complete unexpected about face.

DP here. I posted before about tackling the lie that you’re ruined for your hopes. I agree with a PP who said you’re creating a self-fulfilling prophecy and the others who suggest your anger being misplaced, you maybe being a bit naive. The thing is — people are going to people. Meaning they are going to do whatever they want to do, whether you like it or agree, whether they are honest or they lie, whether they know themselves or they don’t. Yes. Did said he was okay, pursued anyway, then it all blew up. That is a risk. Some people lie and say they’re single when they aren’t. That is a risk. Some people come with gleaming white toothy smiles but are deep and twisted souls waiting to inflict pain on the inside. That is the risk.

Point being - your job is to learn how to make a WISE judgment from what is before you, to learn from the past, and gradually refine your understanding so your judgments are more accurate. There are ways to do this, though no one can predict the future with 100% accuracy. Even “seers” will explain that the future path always has another possibility, you know why? Cause people. Free will and alll that jazz.

Your disappointment is warranted, but your defensiveness over why you should not have adjusted your expectations makes it seem as if you aren’t sharing the really thoughtful and sincere advice a wide variety of posters are sharing. That insinuâtes another personal issue with *you* that could be a roadblock to growth. That is why people are suggesting therapy.

Ultimately it is your choice, of course. Therapy isn’t a signal of failure of dysfunction. It is a check in with someone specialized in studying the human psyche and social interactions; consider it an auto body tune up, or an emissions inspection to verify that your car is safe for driving on the road, and don’t explode and endanger others.

202WON is a new year. Why not discover new parts in you that may be crying out to come forth? If nothing else, you will rebound from things in a healthy way. You’re looking for commiserating here, and that is okay. But people give advice because after kicking your wounds if you walk away without some lesson learned? You’re bound to repeat the same mistake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dysfunction seeks dysfunction. This is not surprising.

Yes. OP is angry because she cannot do better.