Long term affair... trying to wrap my head around if it’s even possible to get over your DH’s 3 yr

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So I read so many, SO MANY, posts of people in miserable marriages all over this board. They don't like their spouse. They don't talk to their spouse. They don't have sex with their spouse. They resent their spouse. They aren't even friends anymore, much less lovers.

Would you want that kind of marriage as long as your spouse was faithful?

Now--say you had a really good best friend and good father. Somebody that you always laughed with, had good sex with and he shared a big part of family responsibility. Now let's say 15, 20-years in he cheated--mid-life affair for variety or childhood trauma or feeling like a failure, etc. If this man experienced tremendous remorse, threw himself into therapy and doted on you and made it his life mission to make this up to you for the rest of his life...

Which marriage would you want to be in for the last 20-25 years of your life?

Some of the most judgmental people are in awful marriages. They don't have love--but one person is a boss or a bully or completely checked out---but hey the never cheated!

You need to think about what marriage you had, what your relationship is like, what is best for YOU and your kids and what you see for the future. You also need to protect your assets and you most have some type of 'bargainning chip', albeit a post-nup 60-40%, vasecotomy, therapy for life, etc. whatever it takes to build back trust.

Look as you get older, you learn life is not black and white. If you are growing as a person, you see many shades of gray. Our country is all black and white right now. Extreme. Compassion and growth.

All affairs are nowhere near the same. All people in them are not the same. All marriages are different. You need to work with a therapist on your own. Good luck.

A lot of the most self righteous/rule the roost at home/my spouse would never cheat women I know are often in the first type of marriage. Ideally, you want the 2nd type with no cheating...but for lifelong marriages 60% will experience infidelity at some point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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I’ve been married for 15 years, together for 20. We are still deeply in love after all these years, not just two people who share a house. So any infidelity from either of us would be such a massive betrayal that our marriage would have to end. I just cannot fathom doing the math on my spouse “only banging her X amount of times per month” and choosing to stay. Have some self respect, people.

HAHA... no infidelity that you know of. Sure you can have a deeply committed and in love marriage and he can be banging the secretary. For men it's different and you clearly don't get it.

Just because a man loves you does not mean you have to stay married.

You seem confused. Are you sure you’re replying to the right post?

Yes. I'm replying to somebody that imagines "because they are not 2 people just sharing a house" that there could never be infidelity. It's a lie people tell themselves as self protections. They believe if they "do everything right" nothing bad can happen. It's not rare to have an affair and 1 person thought they were deeply in love and are blindsided. Here is the thing, you can be deeply in love and have an affair. She clearly does not get that. She is in the "this could never happen to me" category and she is wrong.

Point to the part of my post where I say there could never be infidelity?

You said that your H has been faithful the whole marriage so you clearly think there has been no infidelity. You can't be positive. You only think there has been no infidelity.

I made no such claim, and you really need to work on your reading comprehension. Is it possible he’s cheated and I didn’t know about it? Of course. But if I did find out about it, I sure as hell would never stay.

And you can say “you don’t know what you would do” all you want. I know myself. I would not stay.

If I could double charge for every woman that wants to leave because that is what her 30 year old self told her she would do instead of what she actually wants to do because it is best for her family... I'd be retired. Ego is a strange bedfellow.

You think you are being righteous but you are being self righteous. It's destructive, you should work on that
.
Good luck!

P.S. OP I'm not saying to stay, but don't listen to people who have never been in your situation ... they have no basis for their opinions.

It's way too complicated for a post on DCUM. I'm sorry for your pain. You will rise, no matter if you stay or go, stay true to yourself.

I’m not sure why you’re so upset that I would choose something different than what you apparently chose to do when you were cheated on. I guess it must sting to know that other women consider it a loss of dignity or self-respect to stay with a cheating spouse. I’m sorry for all the pain you must have endured. Good luck to you as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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I’ve been married for 15 years, together for 20. We are still deeply in love after all these years, not just two people who share a house. So any infidelity from either of us would be such a massive betrayal that our marriage would have to end. I just cannot fathom doing the math on my spouse “only banging her X amount of times per month” and choosing to stay. Have some self respect, people.

HAHA... no infidelity that you know of. Sure you can have a deeply committed and in love marriage and he can be banging the secretary. For men it's different and you clearly don't get it.

Just because a man loves you does not mean you have to stay married.

You seem confused. Are you sure you’re replying to the right post?

Yes. I'm replying to somebody that imagines "because they are not 2 people just sharing a house" that there could never be infidelity. It's a lie people tell themselves as self protections. They believe if they "do everything right" nothing bad can happen. It's not rare to have an affair and 1 person thought they were deeply in love and are blindsided. Here is the thing, you can be deeply in love and have an affair. She clearly does not get that. She is in the "this could never happen to me" category and she is wrong.

Point to the part of my post where I say there could never be infidelity?

You said that your H has been faithful the whole marriage so you clearly think there has been no infidelity. You can't be positive. You only think there has been no infidelity.

I made no such claim, and you really need to work on your reading comprehension. Is it possible he’s cheated and I didn’t know about it? Of course. But if I did find out about it, I sure as hell would never stay.

And you can say “you don’t know what you would do” all you want. I know myself. I would not stay.

If I could double charge for every woman that wants to leave because that is what her 30 year old self told her she would do instead of what she actually wants to do because it is best for her family... I'd be retired. Ego is a strange bedfellow.

You think you are being righteous but you are being self righteous. It's destructive, you should work on that
.
Good luck!

P.S. OP I'm not saying to stay, but don't listen to people who have never been in your situation ... they have no basis for their opinions.

It's way too complicated for a post on DCUM. I'm sorry for your pain. You will rise, no matter if you stay or go, stay true to yourself.

I’m not sure why you’re so upset that I would choose something different than what you apparently chose to do when you were cheated on. I guess it must sting to know that other women consider it a loss of dignity or self-respect to stay with a cheating spouse. I’m sorry for all the pain you must have endured. Good luck to you as well.

Wow! You are a mess.

I have not been cheated on but I am a therapist and since I am not acting as a therapist right now... I can tell you ... you seriously need therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:This was a THREE YEAR affair. It wasn't a one night stand or a small moment of transgression. He likely lied to her on a daily basis..a thousand lies.


That is not love. That level of disrespect and deception says that he does not love and value her the way she deserves. If she is ok settling for that, that shows a lack of dignity for herself. She needs to move on and find someone that truly loves and values her.

If OP has the means to leave she 100% should.

One of my friends found out that his wife had been cheating on him for 5+ years, over half their marriage. And it was with her boss, who was apparently under the impression they were in a sexless marriage and only together for the kids. They were planning a whole life together.

After my friend found out, he confronted her, and she still refused to stop seeing her boss. It was only when my friend talked directly to her boss and informed him that their marriage was not entirely sexless that she was forced to stop because her boss fired her and told her not to contact him again. Of course she went crawling back to my friend, and of course he took her back.

It's been over two years, and from outward appearances they appeared to have fixed things, so I suppose anything is possible OP if both sides are committed to it.

That’s a circumstance I would not do. And I stayed in a marriage with a midlife affair. My spouse had ended it before confessing and was incredibly, incredibly remorseful and did lot of self work. For somebody that blatantly was still having the affair and it only stopped because they were dumped (and fired- good lord) more power to him.

I gave him my $0.02 on how I would have handled it, and it definitely did not involve staying with her. Her boss is the only one he knew for sure something happened with, but he caught her sending pics to at least two other guys. I don't see how she won't do this again, but it's his marriage, not mine. He seems happy for the moment.

Women and men cheat for different reasons. You can't compare the 2.

So you are saying that OP doesn't have anything to worry about?

No. I think OP can't find an answer online. I also think giving advise based on a man's experience when his wife cheated is like giving a baseball player advise on how to tackle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:It has been more than two-and-a-half years since my husband had an affair. I did not resist when my husband said he needed the freedom to experience some opportunities; both because he made it clear that he could not be with someone who tells him what to do, and because he said that he was not willing to give up the potential for happiness with someone else. (Set love free and it will come back to you, if it is meant to be.) In truth, I was certainly in a state of shock-and-survival, and wanted simply to maintain some semblance of calm and structure for our children.

My husband has since lived away from our family (I have raised the children almost entirely by myself during this time, though he continues to provide financially, for which I am grateful), has enjoyed relationships with several women, and casually dated others. Most recently he was visiting and vacationing with his initial affair partner. He offers out the hope that perhaps he will come back, though he cautions that he cannot do so if he will always be reminded of it. I am happy and willing to forget the past and put it behind us. And I continue to harbor the eternal hope (and love) for reconciliation.

But in the end OP, I do not think that my husband will ever return, because I think that men who have experienced the freedom of an extended sexual relationship(s) outside of the marriage do not care to come back to a monogamous, lifetime commitment to their spouse. Have the courage and strength OP to make healthy, good decisions for yourself and your children, whatever those may be.

WOW.[i]

In retrospect I wish I had had the strength to assert my own needs with my husband, because a path completely free of any boundaries, demands, and/or repercussions has not brought my husband's love back to me. I recount my own choice(s) so that OP can consider (and judge) at least this one option.

I hope in retrospect you see the young woman you were who did the best she could with the information you had. Now you see the young but older woman you are and realize you have grown. That is what life is about learning and growing in strength, compassion and empathy.

Bless you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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I’ve been married for 15 years, together for 20. We are still deeply in love after all these years, not just two people who share a house. So any infidelity from either of us would be such a massive betrayal that our marriage would have to end. I just cannot fathom doing the math on my spouse “only banging her X amount of times per month” and choosing to stay. Have some self respect, people.

HAHA... no infidelity that you know of. Sure you can have a deeply committed and in love marriage and he can be banging the secretary. For men it's different and you clearly don't get it.

Just because a man loves you does not mean you have to stay married.

You seem confused. Are you sure you’re replying to the right post?

Yes. I'm replying to somebody that imagines "because they are not 2 people just sharing a house" that there could never be infidelity. It's a lie people tell themselves as self protections. They believe if they "do everything right" nothing bad can happen. It's not rare to have an affair and 1 person thought they were deeply in love and are blindsided. Here is the thing, you can be deeply in love and have an affair. She clearly does not get that. She is in the "this could never happen to me" category and she is wrong.

Point to the part of my post where I say there could never be infidelity?

You said that your H has been faithful the whole marriage so you clearly think there has been no infidelity. You can't be positive. You only think there has been no infidelity.

I made no such claim, and you really need to work on your reading comprehension. Is it possible he’s cheated and I didn’t know about it? Of course. But if I did find out about it, I sure as hell would never stay.

And you can say “you don’t know what you would do” all you want. I know myself. I would not stay.

If I could double charge for every woman that wants to leave because that is what her 30 year old self told her she would do instead of what she actually wants to do because it is best for her family... I'd be retired. Ego is a strange bedfellow.

You think you are being righteous but you are being self righteous. It's destructive, you should work on that
.
Good luck!

P.S. OP I'm not saying to stay, but don't listen to people who have never been in your situation ... they have no basis for their opinions.

It's way too complicated for a post on DCUM. I'm sorry for your pain. You will rise, no matter if you stay or go, stay true to yourself.

I’m not sure why you’re so upset that I would choose something different than what you apparently chose to do when you were cheated on. I guess it must sting to know that other women consider it a loss of dignity or self-respect to stay with a cheating spouse. I’m sorry for all the pain you must have endured. Good luck to you as well.

Wow! You are a mess.

I have not been cheated on but I am a therapist and since I am not acting as a therapist right now... I can tell you ... you seriously need therapy.

If this is your response to the above post, you have no business practicing as a therapist. Yikes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This was a THREE YEAR affair. It wasn't a one night stand or a small moment of transgression. He likely lied to her on a daily basis..a thousand lies.


That is not love. That level of disrespect and deception says that he does not love and value her the way she deserves. If she is ok settling for that, that shows a lack of dignity for herself. She needs to move on and find someone that truly loves and values her.

If OP has the means to leave she 100% should.

One of my friends found out that his wife had been cheating on him for 5+ years, over half their marriage. And it was with her boss, who was apparently under the impression they were in a sexless marriage and only together for the kids. They were planning a whole life together.

After my friend found out, he confronted her, and she still refused to stop seeing her boss. It was only when my friend talked directly to her boss and informed him that their marriage was not entirely sexless that she was forced to stop because her boss fired her and told her not to contact him again. Of course she went crawling back to my friend, and of course he took her back.

It's been over two years, and from outward appearances they appeared to have fixed things, so I suppose anything is possible OP if both sides are committed to it.

That’s a circumstance I would not do. And I stayed in a marriage with a midlife affair. My spouse had ended it before confessing and was incredibly, incredibly remorseful and did lot of self work. For somebody that blatantly was still having the affair and it only stopped because they were dumped (and fired- good lord) more power to him.

I gave him my $0.02 on how I would have handled it, and it definitely did not involve staying with her. Her boss is the only one he knew for sure something happened with, but he caught her sending pics to at least two other guys. I don't see how she won't do this again, but it's his marriage, not mine. He seems happy for the moment.

Women and men cheat for different reasons. You can't compare the 2.

So you are saying that OP doesn't have anything to worry about?

No. I think OP can't find an answer online. I also think giving advise based on a man's experience when his wife cheated is like giving a baseball player advise on how to tackle.

The only advice I gave was that if both sides are committed to working through it anything is possible. Do you disagree with that statement?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of French women tolerate this. If you're not providing a good sex life for your husband and/or you lack a sex drive, what do you care? As long as he doesn't have more children and you maintain your lifestyle, so be it.

I am a previous poster who provided a personal example, and my husband and I shared a healthy sex life and kept ourselves fit and attractive. In my husband's case, at least, it is a textbook mid-life crisis and his continuing actions provide him daily validation. I understand where it comes from, based on his past, and have empathy for him. But it is hard to tolerate, and I think that those women you mention who agree to this type of "don't ask, don't tell" arrangement on a prolonged basis, do so only if, (1) the husband still comes home most nights and is still part of family life; and/or (2) the wife has the freedom to enjoy her own lover(s). The former is not the case for us, and the latter is against my values.

[Anonymous]

I wish men who had affairs would at least drop the double standard. But when the marriage gets opened up many of them start whining for a return to monogamy when they realize their wife is getting more sex then they are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of French women tolerate this. If you're not providing a good sex life for your husband and/or you lack a sex drive, what do you care? As long as he doesn't have more children and you maintain your lifestyle, so be it.

That's different because in that case it's not a betrayal. It's an assumption that it will happen, so there's no shock when it does.

[Anonymous]

Many men in affairs actually have MORE sex with their wives, not less. The hydraulic-pump theory. Their hormones are up, constantly turned on. Also, wife doesn’t expect anything when regular sex is happening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wish men who had affairs would at least drop the double standard. But when the marriage gets opened up many of them start whining for a return to monogamy when they realize their wife is getting more sex then they are.

This is no joke. It's like guys who suggest this are so focused on getting what they want they don't stop to think about the fact that their wife will be sleeping with other guys. I had a brief relationship with two women in an open marriage. In both cases the husbands were the ones pushing for it. I slept with both women several times, and both times it ended after a couple weeks when the husband realized his wife was getting hers while he was having no luck at all. Both couples were divorced within 6 months, so I guess there might have been more at play, but I just don't think guys think this through.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I’ve been married for 15 years, together for 20. We are still deeply in love after all these years, not just two people who share a house. So any infidelity from either of us would be such a massive betrayal that our marriage would have to end. I just cannot fathom doing the math on my spouse “only banging her X amount of times per month” and choosing to stay. Have some self respect, people.

HAHA... no infidelity that you know of. Sure you can have a deeply committed and in love marriage and he can be banging the secretary. For men it's different and you clearly don't get it.

Just because a man loves you does not mean you have to stay married.

You seem confused. Are you sure you’re replying to the right post?

Yes. I'm replying to somebody that imagines "because they are not 2 people just sharing a house" that there could never be infidelity. It's a lie people tell themselves as self protections. They believe if they "do everything right" nothing bad can happen. It's not rare to have an affair and 1 person thought they were deeply in love and are blindsided. Here is the thing, you can be deeply in love and have an affair. She clearly does not get that. She is in the "this could never happen to me" category and she is wrong.

Point to the part of my post where I say there could never be infidelity?

You said that your H has been faithful the whole marriage so you clearly think there has been no infidelity. You can't be positive. You only think there has been no infidelity.

I made no such claim, and you really need to work on your reading comprehension. Is it possible he’s cheated and I didn’t know about it? Of course. But if I did find out about it, I sure as hell would never stay.

And you can say “you don’t know what you would do” all you want. I know myself. I would not stay.

If I could double charge for every woman that wants to leave because that is what her 30 year old self told her she would do instead of what she actually wants to do because it is best for her family... I'd be retired. Ego is a strange bedfellow.

You think you are being righteous but you are being self righteous. It's destructive, you should work on that
.
Good luck!

P.S. OP I'm not saying to stay, but don't listen to people who have never been in your situation ... they have no basis for their opinions.

It's way too complicated for a post on DCUM. I'm sorry for your pain. You will rise, no matter if you stay or go, stay true to yourself.

I’m not sure why you’re so upset that I would choose something different than what you apparently chose to do when you were cheated on. I guess it must sting to know that other women consider it a loss of dignity or self-respect to stay with a cheating spouse. I’m sorry for all the pain you must have endured. Good luck to you as well.

Wow! You are a mess.

I have not been cheated on but I am a therapist and since I am not acting as a therapist right now... I can tell you ... you seriously need therapy.

Hey, as one therapist to another....disengage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Many men in affairs actually have MORE sex with their wives, not less. The hydraulic-pump theory. Their hormones are up, constantly turned on. Also, wife doesn’t expect anything when regular sex is happening.

And also for them the AP isn’t a deep emotional connection. Women in affairs tend to sleep with their husband less or not at all because they get emotionally attached to AP and read more into it. It goes with the evidence women in affairs have the lowest marital satisfaction while men its the exact opposite. Men can compartmentalize and not think of AP when not with her. It truly can be just sex and they will say anything to keep it coming. Women can’t fathom this because they view it through the eyes/emotions of a woman. Men are truly different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Could the self righteous women that never experienced this, take leave?

They are probably experiencing it, but just don’t know.