Long term affair... trying to wrap my head around if it’s even possible to get over your DH’s 3 yr

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I’ve been married for 15 years, together for 20. We are still deeply in love after all these years, not just two people who share a house. So any infidelity from either of us would be such a massive betrayal that our marriage would have to end. I just cannot fathom doing the math on my spouse “only banging her X amount of times per month” and choosing to stay. Have some self respect, people.

HAHA... no infidelity that you know of. Sure you can have a deeply committed and in love marriage and he can be banging the secretary. For men it's different and you clearly don't get it.

Just because a man loves you does not mean you have to stay married.

You seem confused. Are you sure you’re replying to the right post?

Yes. I'm replying to somebody that imagines "because they are not 2 people just sharing a house" that there could never be infidelity. It's a lie people tell themselves as self protections. They believe if they "do everything right" nothing bad can happen. It's not rare to have an affair and 1 person thought they were deeply in love and are blindsided. Here is the thing, you can be deeply in love and have an affair. She clearly does not get that. She is in the "this could never happen to me" category and she is wrong.

Point to the part of my post where I say there could never be infidelity?

You said that your H has been faithful the whole marriage so you clearly think there has been no infidelity. You can't be positive. You only think there has been no infidelity.

I made no such claim, and you really need to work on your reading comprehension. Is it possible he’s cheated and I didn’t know about it? Of course. But if I did find out about it, I sure as hell would never stay.

And you can say “you don’t know what you would do” all you want. I know myself. I would not stay.

If I could double charge for every woman that wants to leave because that is what her 30 year old self told her she would do instead of what she actually wants to do because it is best for her family... I'd be retired. Ego is a strange bedfellow.

You think you are being righteous but you are being self righteous. It's destructive, you should work on that
.
Good luck!

P.S. OP I'm not saying to stay, but don't listen to people who have never been in your situation ... they have no basis for their opinions.

It's way too complicated for a post on DCUM. I'm sorry for your pain. You will rise, no matter if you stay or go, stay true to yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This was a THREE YEAR affair. It wasn't a one night stand or a small moment of transgression. He likely lied to her on a daily basis..a thousand lies.


That is not love. That level of disrespect and deception says that he does not love and value her the way she deserves. If she is ok settling for that, that shows a lack of dignity for herself. She needs to move on and find someone that truly loves and values her.

If OP has the means to leave she 100% should.

One of my friends found out that his wife had been cheating on him for 5+ years, over half their marriage. And it was with her boss, who was apparently under the impression they were in a sexless marriage and only together for the kids. They were planning a whole life together.

After my friend found out, he confronted her, and she still refused to stop seeing her boss. It was only when my friend talked directly to her boss and informed him that their marriage was not entirely sexless that she was forced to stop because her boss fired her and told her not to contact him again. Of course she went crawling back to my friend, and of course he took her back.

It's been over two years, and from outward appearances they appeared to have fixed things, so I suppose anything is possible OP if both sides are committed to it.

That’s a circumstance I would not do. And I stayed in a marriage with a midlife affair. My spouse had ended it before confessing and was incredibly, incredibly remorseful and did lot of self work. For somebody that blatantly was still having the affair and it only stopped because they were dumped (and fired- good lord) more power to him.

I gave him my $0.02 on how I would have handled it, and it definitely did not involve staying with her. Her boss is the only one he knew for sure something happened with, but he caught her sending pics to at least two other guys. I don't see how she won't do this again, but it's his marriage, not mine. He seems happy for the moment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After 3 yrs that was his girlfriend.

Maybe but rarely. Even unmarried guys will "hide" a girlfriend for a long period. Some people will just never be a girlfriend. There is something about them that "can't be shown".

Men pick very different APs than they do girlfriends. A girlfriend you love and want to show off, an AP is convenient and disposable.

But that is not your business OP the AP could have been any disposable person, this specific one is irrelevant.

No one shows off their girlfriend when they've been married for 15 years with kids. What planet is this?

Exactly, when they find somebody they love they divorce and date them and show them off.

When they don't love them or am embarrassed by theym, they turn them into APs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This was a THREE YEAR affair. It wasn't a one night stand or a small moment of transgression. He likely lied to her on a daily basis..a thousand lies.


That is not love. That level of disrespect and deception says that he does not love and value her the way she deserves. If she is ok settling for that, that shows a lack of dignity for herself. She needs to move on and find someone that truly loves and values her.

If OP has the means to leave she 100% should.

One of my friends found out that his wife had been cheating on him for 5+ years, over half their marriage. And it was with her boss, who was apparently under the impression they were in a sexless marriage and only together for the kids. They were planning a whole life together.

After my friend found out, he confronted her, and she still refused to stop seeing her boss. It was only when my friend talked directly to her boss and informed him that their marriage was not entirely sexless that she was forced to stop because her boss fired her and told her not to contact him again. Of course she went crawling back to my friend, and of course he took her back.

It's been over two years, and from outward appearances they appeared to have fixed things, so I suppose anything is possible OP if both sides are committed to it.

Of course she said she was in a sexless marriage that was over but for the paperwork. THAT'S WHAT THEY ALL SAY. Why would you want to take back someone who lies to others to get their way? These are life altering interactions. Seriously, why would he want her back? He knows who she is inside at this point -- a liar who doesn't care about anyone but herself. Who wants to be married to a person like that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This was a THREE YEAR affair. It wasn't a one night stand or a small moment of transgression. He likely lied to her on a daily basis..a thousand lies.


That is not love. That level of disrespect and deception says that he does not love and value her the way she deserves. If she is ok settling for that, that shows a lack of dignity for herself. She needs to move on and find someone that truly loves and values her.

If OP has the means to leave she 100% should.

One of my friends found out that his wife had been cheating on him for 5+ years, over half their marriage. And it was with her boss, who was apparently under the impression they were in a sexless marriage and only together for the kids. They were planning a whole life together.

After my friend found out, he confronted her, and she still refused to stop seeing her boss. It was only when my friend talked directly to her boss and informed him that their marriage was not entirely sexless that she was forced to stop because her boss fired her and told her not to contact him again. Of course she went crawling back to my friend, and of course he took her back.

It's been over two years, and from outward appearances they appeared to have fixed things, so I suppose anything is possible OP if both sides are committed to it.

That’s a circumstance I would not do. And I stayed in a marriage with a midlife affair. My spouse had ended it before confessing and was incredibly, incredibly remorseful and did lot of self work. For somebody that blatantly was still having the affair and it only stopped because they were dumped (and fired- good lord) more power to him.

I gave him my $0.02 on how I would have handled it, and it definitely did not involve staying with her. Her boss is the only one he knew for sure something happened with, but he caught her sending pics to at least two other guys. I don't see how she won't do this again, but it's his marriage, not mine. He seems happy for the moment.

Women and men cheat for different reasons. You can't compare the 2.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This was a THREE YEAR affair. It wasn't a one night stand or a small moment of transgression. He likely lied to her on a daily basis..a thousand lies.


That is not love. That level of disrespect and deception says that he does not love and value her the way she deserves. If she is ok settling for that, that shows a lack of dignity for herself. She needs to move on and find someone that truly loves and values her.

If OP has the means to leave she 100% should.

One of my friends found out that his wife had been cheating on him for 5+ years, over half their marriage. And it was with her boss, who was apparently under the impression they were in a sexless marriage and only together for the kids. They were planning a whole life together.

After my friend found out, he confronted her, and she still refused to stop seeing her boss. It was only when my friend talked directly to her boss and informed him that their marriage was not entirely sexless that she was forced to stop because her boss fired her and told her not to contact him again. Of course she went crawling back to my friend, and of course he took her back.

It's been over two years, and from outward appearances they appeared to have fixed things, so I suppose anything is possible OP if both sides are committed to it.

That’s a circumstance I would not do. And I stayed in a marriage with a midlife affair. My spouse had ended it before confessing and was incredibly, incredibly remorseful and did lot of self work. For somebody that blatantly was still having the affair and it only stopped because they were dumped (and fired- good lord) more power to him.

I gave him my $0.02 on how I would have handled it, and it definitely did not involve staying with her. Her boss is the only one he knew for sure something happened with, but he caught her sending pics to at least two other guys. I don't see how she won't do this again, but it's his marriage, not mine. He seems happy for the moment.

Women and men cheat for different reasons. You can't compare the 2.

So you are saying that OP doesn't have anything to worry about?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Affair. I don’t have all the details but he has confessed it was highly sexual. Married 15 years, two kids.

I’m curious as to how often he was seeing this side piece.
3 years is a long time to keep something hidden - you ain’t notice anything?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It has been more than two-and-a-half years since my husband had an affair. I did not resist when my husband said he needed the freedom to experience some opportunities; both because he made it clear that he could not be with someone who tells him what to do, and because he said that he was not willing to give up the potential for happiness with someone else. (Set love free and it will come back to you, if it is meant to be.) In truth, I was certainly in a state of shock-and-survival, and wanted simply to maintain some semblance of calm and structure for our children.

My husband has since lived away from our family (I have raised the children almost entirely by myself during this time, though he continues to provide financially, for which I am grateful), has enjoyed relationships with several women, and casually dated others. Most recently he was visiting and vacationing with his initial affair partner. He offers out the hope that perhaps he will come back, though he cautions that he cannot do so if he will always be reminded of it. I am happy and willing to forget the past and put it behind us. And I continue to harbor the eternal hope (and love) for reconciliation.

But in the end OP, I do not think that my husband will ever return, because I think that men who have experienced the freedom of an extended sexual relationship(s) outside of the marriage do not care to come back to a monogamous, lifetime commitment to their spouse. Have the courage and strength OP to make healthy, good decisions for yourself and your children, whatever those may be.

WOW.[i]

In retrospect I wish I had had the strength to assert my own needs with my husband, because a path completely free of any boundaries, demands, and/or repercussions has not brought my husband's love back to me. I recount my own choice(s) so that OP can consider (and judge) at least this one option.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It has been more than two-and-a-half years since my husband had an affair. I did not resist when my husband said he needed the freedom to experience some opportunities; both because he made it clear that he could not be with someone who tells him what to do, and because he said that he was not willing to give up the potential for happiness with someone else. (Set love free and it will come back to you, if it is meant to be.) In truth, I was certainly in a state of shock-and-survival, and wanted simply to maintain some semblance of calm and structure for our children.

My husband has since lived away from our family (I have raised the children almost entirely by myself during this time, though he continues to provide financially, for which I am grateful), has enjoyed relationships with several women, and casually dated others. Most recently he was visiting and vacationing with his initial affair partner. He offers out the hope that perhaps he will come back, though he cautions that he cannot do so if he will always be reminded of it. I am happy and willing to forget the past and put it behind us. And I continue to harbor the eternal hope (and love) for reconciliation.

But in the end OP, I do not think that my husband will ever return, because I think that men who have experienced the freedom of an extended sexual relationship(s) outside of the marriage do not care to come back to a monogamous, lifetime commitment to their spouse. Have the courage and strength OP to make healthy, good decisions for yourself and your children, whatever those may be.

WOW.[i]

In retrospect I wish I had had the strength to assert my own needs with my husband, because a path completely free of any boundaries, demands, and/or repercussions has not brought my husband's love back to me. I recount my own choice(s) so that OP can consider (and judge) at least this one option.

I hope you get a divorce so you can find the right husband. He's out there. Plenty of men value their homelife and their marriages more than anything else in the world. You deserve one.

[Anonymous]

So I read so many, SO MANY, posts of people in miserable marriages all over this board. They don't like their spouse. They don't talk to their spouse. They don't have sex with their spouse. They resent their spouse. They aren't even friends anymore, much less lovers.

Would you want that kind of marriage as long as your spouse was faithful?

Now--say you had a really good best friend and good father. Somebody that you always laughed with, had good sex with and he shared a big part of family responsibility. Now let's say 15, 20-years in he cheated--mid-life affair for variety or childhood trauma or feeling like a failure, etc. If this man experienced tremendous remorse, threw himself into therapy and doted on you and made it his life mission to make this up to you for the rest of his life...

Which marriage would you want to be in for the last 20-25 years of your life?

Some of the most judgmental people are in awful marriages. They don't have love--but one person is a boss or a bully or completely checked out---but hey the never cheated!

You need to think about what marriage you had, what your relationship is like, what is best for YOU and your kids and what you see for the future. You also need to protect your assets and you most have some type of 'bargainning chip', albeit a post-nup 60-40%, vasecotomy, therapy for life, etc. whatever it takes to build back trust.

Look as you get older, you learn life is not black and white. If you are growing as a person, you see many shades of gray. Our country is all black and white right now. Extreme. Compassion and growth.

All affairs are nowhere near the same. All people in them are not the same. All marriages are different. You need to work with a therapist on your own. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

A lot of French women tolerate this. If you're not providing a good sex life for your husband and/or you lack a sex drive, what do you care? As long as he doesn't have more children and you maintain your lifestyle, so be it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of French women tolerate this. If you're not providing a good sex life for your husband and/or you lack a sex drive, what do you care? As long as he doesn't have more children and you maintain your lifestyle, so be it.

STOP! Did you not read any of the cited blogs or infidelity specialists. It is not the REASON many men cheat. Many men are still having very active sex lives with their own wives. Many men in happy marriages cheat.

Just stop with the crap already.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of French women tolerate this. If you're not providing a good sex life for your husband and/or you lack a sex drive, what do you care? As long as he doesn't have more children and you maintain your lifestyle, so be it.

STOP! Did you not read any of the cited blogs or infidelity specialists. It is not the REASON many men cheat. Many men are still having very active sex lives with their own wives. Many men in happy marriages cheat.

Just stop with the crap already.

Shirley Glass:

Q: Is this compartmentalizing characteristic of people who get into affairs?

Dr. G. It’s much more characteristic of men. Most women believe that if you love your partner, you wouldn’t even be in an affair; therefore, if someone has an affair, it means that they didn’t love their partner and they do love the person that they had the affair with. But my research has shown that there are many men who do love their partners, who enjoy good sex at home, who nevertheless never turn down an opportunity for extramarital sex. In fact, 56 percent of the men I sampled who had extramarital intercourse said that their marriages were happy, versus 34 percent of the women.

That’s how I got into this.

[Anonymous]

My heart breaks for all married people who are cheated on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I’ve been married for 15 years, together for 20. We are still deeply in love after all these years, not just two people who share a house. So any infidelity from either of us would be such a massive betrayal that our marriage would have to end. I just cannot fathom doing the math on my spouse “only banging her X amount of times per month” and choosing to stay. Have some self respect, people.

HAHA... no infidelity that you know of. Sure you can have a deeply committed and in love marriage and he can be banging the secretary. For men it's different and you clearly don't get it.

Just because a man loves you does not mean you have to stay married.

You seem confused. Are you sure you’re replying to the right post?

Yes. I'm replying to somebody that imagines "because they are not 2 people just sharing a house" that there could never be infidelity. It's a lie people tell themselves as self protections. They believe if they "do everything right" nothing bad can happen. It's not rare to have an affair and 1 person thought they were deeply in love and are blindsided. Here is the thing, you can be deeply in love and have an affair. She clearly does not get that. She is in the "this could never happen to me" category and she is wrong.

Point to the part of my post where I say there could never be infidelity?

You said that your H has been faithful the whole marriage so you clearly think there has been no infidelity. You can't be positive. You only think there has been no infidelity.

I made no such claim, and you really need to work on your reading comprehension. Is it possible he’s cheated and I didn’t know about it? Of course. But if I did find out about it, I sure as hell would never stay.

And you can say “you don’t know what you would do” all you want. I know myself. I would not stay.

If I could double charge for every woman that wants to leave because that is what her 30 year old self told her she would do instead of what she actually wants to do because it is best for her family... I'd be retired. Ego is a strange bedfellow.

You think you are being righteous but you are being self righteous. It's destructive, you should work on that
.
Good luck!

P.S. OP I'm not saying to stay, but don't listen to people who have never been in your situation ... they have no basis for their opinions.

It's way too complicated for a post on DCUM. I'm sorry for your pain. You will rise, no matter if you stay or go, stay true to yourself.

+1