Long term affair... trying to wrap my head around if it’s even possible to get over your DH’s 3 yr

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think they need to do it for the first few years- minimum. That’s how long experts say recovery takes. Eventually it needs to move to an egalitarian relationship and can’t be held over spouse’s head forever.

I do know some relationships that came out stronger and the remorse and love betrayer has turns into dedicating rest of life to treating spouse right and making them happy. Communication and intimacy happens, thankfulness for giving them a chance. Continued therapy for life, check ins recommended. The ones that do this make it. If it was an exit affair or they only stayed because AP ditched them- you don’t want that.

I posted several pages back about my friend who chose to stay with his wife after he busted her and her AP dumped her. I told him he was an idiot for staying, but that if he chose to do that then he had better be ready to forgive her and move on from it. No relationship can survive if one side is constantly in debt to the other.

Agree. But, with the exception of the first two years post-discovery. Every infidelity expert agrees on that. There needs to be real concerted effort by the betrayer those first two years post-affair.

NP. I agree with both of you. I don’t think I could invest anything that would begin to scratch the surface of a 3-year secret. But who knows, love is very powerful and forgiveness is too. Both are very rare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well honey, here is what I did. My ex DH had a 1.5 year affair. I was very trusting... I had no idea. We were married 14 years, 2 small kids.

I collected evidence of the affair. Screenshots of her double chin and cold sore. Their loving little text messages. Their secret vacations they planned right after Christmas. I blew both their asses up on facebook. Surprise!

I had already consulted a lawyer. I kicked him out. He moved into a shitty apartment. His true love was banging other guys they worked with (surprise! not). So their love story did not endure the harsh realities of real life.

I have been divorced for a year now. The kids have handled it like champs. It's hard. But they have two loving, if separate, parents. I have a good career going. I bought myself a nice house. I save more money than ex ever let me. I save it in a college fund for our kids. I have a nice boyfriend. A normal human, who treats me respectfully. We see eachother enough to enjoy it, but not too much. I like my space. I like my house. I like my life. And I will NEVER get married again.

You will survive this. Its horrifically painful to be betrayed like this. But you will make it. Many virtual hugs to you!

Thank you for sharing. Have been wondering what the future would or could look like in actuality. Everyone says, "GO", you can do it, you'll be happier, the kids will be fine, but it's not clear to me what that life would actually be like. I can't imagine it. The pain right now is so terrible that it's impossible to conceive of it being better. I can conceive of life being less painful but not of life being "better".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow! Stepped away and I appreciate you all giving me advice. In brief, we had what I thought was a healthy sex life (3-4x a week). He did not confess...the sister of the AP called me to tell me to keep DH away from the sister as it was ruining her life. I work and make a decent salary. I am in a tail spin and trying to keep it together for DCs. I would have told you just a bit ago that DH was awesome...devoted Dad and DH.

Oh wow. I’m so, so sorry. That is devastating.

I think this is too big. I was a pp saying give it a chance, but I thought he confessed. I thought he was the one that ended the relationship. thought he felt remorse and confessed.

How old was the woman? Was she married? It’s crazy the sister had to intervene.

Please take care of yourself. The trauma from this is no joke.

Hugs. It is particularly mind blowing when you had a great/active sex life, a good marriage and family life. I had to almost slap myself every morning for the first 3 months to snap myself back into the new reality...he wasn’t who I thought he was. You give half your life and it’s like finding out he was a Russian spy or something. It is a mind f@ck. Makes you question everything. It does a number on you trusting yourself.

Here’s the thing: they were that good at lying and deceiving. Truly. And it was about them in these type of good marriages. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Sometimes there really are zero signs.

Thank you so much for everything you wrote. Thought I was the only one who felt like this. It's really hard to keep the reality 'real' because the deception was so successfully, expertly hidden.

[Anonymous]

Highly sexual.....??!

Wow, way to push the knife 🔪 deeper into your heart.

In all honesty - I could/would not stay w/someone who actively cheated on me for three years.

The deception + betrayal involved would be too much of a weight to carry the rest of my life.....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow! Stepped away and I appreciate you all giving me advice. In brief, we had what I thought was a healthy sex life (3-4x a week). He did not confess...the sister of the AP called me to tell me to keep DH away from the sister as it was ruining her life. I work and make a decent salary. I am in a tail spin and trying to keep it together for DCs. I would have told you just a bit ago that DH was awesome...devoted Dad and DH.

Oh wow. I’m so, so sorry. That is devastating.

I think this is too big. I was a pp saying give it a chance, but I thought he confessed. I thought he was the one that ended the relationship. thought he felt remorse and confessed.

How old was the woman? Was she married? It’s crazy the sister had to intervene.

Please take care of yourself. The trauma from this is no joke.

Hugs. It is particularly mind blowing when you had a great/active sex life, a good marriage and family life. I had to almost slap myself every morning for the first 3 months to snap myself back into the new reality...he wasn’t who I thought he was. You give half your life and it’s like finding out he was a Russian spy or something. It is a mind f@ck. Makes you question everything. It does a number on you trusting yourself.

Here’s the thing: they were that good at lying and deceiving. Truly. And it was about them in these type of good marriages. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Sometimes there really are zero signs.

Thank you so much for everything you wrote. Thought I was the only one who felt like this. It's really hard to keep the reality 'real' because the deception was so successfully, expertly hidden.

And since there were “zero” signs, you don’t know what to look out for in the future. That’s the problem I have. If he acted differently, e.g., remote, distant, an @sshole, had a schedule change, worked late often, had overnights, text or phone trace, etc. BUT- with none of these signs there is no way you will ever know if they do it again since they are so good at deception. I looked at pictures, thought if all the nice things he did for me and my family during that time (like he did the entire marriage)...and it’s totally mind-blowing. To the point, I questioned if he is a sociopath.

[Anonymous]

^ so, OP, how do I know what is sincere? What is true now? Nothing said or done can be trusted at this point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Well, I sort of agree with you that the cheater has to own their actions but if you deny your spouse intimacy and sex and you don't see your role, you will also make the same mistake and get cheated on in your next relationship.

I totally disagree. Your argument that cheating is the result of a sexless marriage is just wrong. A spouse that can’t accept a sexless marriage (totally understandable) can be adult, talk about it and leave the marriage if things don’t change, then can start dating. Lots less trauma for everyone, including the kids.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Well, I sort of agree with you that the cheater has to own their actions but if you deny your spouse intimacy and sex and you don't see your role, you will also make the same mistake and get cheated on in your next relationship.

I totally disagree. Your argument that cheating is the result of a sexless marriage is just wrong. A spouse that can’t accept a sexless marriage (totally understandable) can be adult, talk about it and leave the marriage if things don’t change, then can start dating. Lots less trauma for everyone, including the kids.

+1

Why are you “+ing” this? OP was having sex 3-4 times a week with her cheater husband. This belongs nowhere in this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow! Stepped away and I appreciate you all giving me advice. In brief, we had what I thought was a healthy sex life (3-4x a week). He did not confess...the sister of the AP called me to tell me to keep DH away from the sister as it was ruining her life. I work and make a decent salary. I am in a tail spin and trying to keep it together for DCs. I would have told you just a bit ago that DH was awesome...devoted Dad and DH.

Oh wow. I’m so, so sorry. That is devastating.

I think this is too big. I was a pp saying give it a chance, but I thought he confessed. I thought he was the one that ended the relationship. thought he felt remorse and confessed.

How old was the woman? Was she married? It’s crazy the sister had to intervene.

Please take care of yourself. The trauma from this is no joke.

Hugs. It is particularly mind blowing when you had a great/active sex life, a good marriage and family life. I had to almost slap myself every morning for the first 3 months to snap myself back into the new reality...he wasn’t who I thought he was. You give half your life and it’s like finding out he was a Russian spy or something. It is a mind f@ck. Makes you question everything. It does a number on you trusting yourself.

Here’s the thing: they were that good at lying and deceiving. Truly. And it was about them in these type of good marriages. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Sometimes there really are zero signs.

Thank you so much for everything you wrote. Thought I was the only one who felt like this. It's really hard to keep the reality 'real' because the deception was so successfully, expertly hidden.

+1. Their loss for being soulless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Well, I sort of agree with you that the cheater has to own their actions but if you deny your spouse intimacy and sex and you don't see your role, you will also make the same mistake and get cheated on in your next relationship.

I totally disagree. Your argument that cheating is the result of a sexless marriage is just wrong. A spouse that can’t accept a sexless marriage (totally understandable) can be adult, talk about it and leave the marriage if things don’t change, then can start dating. Lots less trauma for everyone, including the kids.

+1

Why are you “+ing” this? OP was having sex 3-4 times a week with her cheater husband. This belongs nowhere in this thread.

Np. Read the thread again. Slowly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow! Stepped away and I appreciate you all giving me advice. In brief, we had what I thought was a healthy sex life (3-4x a week). He did not confess...the sister of the AP called me to tell me to keep DH away from the sister as it was ruining her life. I work and make a decent salary. I am in a tail spin and trying to keep it together for DCs. I would have told you just a bit ago that DH was awesome...devoted Dad and DH.

Oh wow. I’m so, so sorry. That is devastating.

I think this is too big. I was a pp saying give it a chance, but I thought he confessed. I thought he was the one that ended the relationship. thought he felt remorse and confessed.

How old was the woman? Was she married? It’s crazy the sister had to intervene.

Please take care of yourself. The trauma from this is no joke.

Hugs. It is particularly mind blowing when you had a great/active sex life, a good marriage and family life. I had to almost slap myself every morning for the first 3 months to snap myself back into the new reality...he wasn’t who I thought he was. You give half your life and it’s like finding out he was a Russian spy or something. It is a mind f@ck. Makes you question everything. It does a number on you trusting yourself.

Here’s the thing: they were that good at lying and deceiving. Truly. And it was about them in these type of good marriages. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Sometimes there really are zero signs.

Thank you so much for everything you wrote. Thought I was the only one who felt like this. It's really hard to keep the reality 'real' because the deception was so successfully, expertly hidden.

+1. Their loss for being soulless.

They belong with the soulless whores they cheat and deceive with. Not the decent ones.

[Anonymous]

Cheaters are broken. Run, do not walk. BTDT. Yes, even the ones who just have a fling. Because they’re looking for a jumpoff. They’re terrified to be alone and won’t leave you until another sucker is trapped in the vortex and waiting in the wings.

I don’t know how they do it. Tie yourself to the mast when they attempt to woo you in with their siren song.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Cheaters are broken. Run, do not walk. BTDT. Yes, even the ones who just have a fling. Because they’re looking for a jumpoff. They’re terrified to be alone and won’t leave you until another sucker is trapped in the vortex and waiting in the wings.

I don’t know how they do it. Tie yourself to the mast when they attempt to woo you in with their siren song.

Or they lie and lead on the cheating women APs looking for an exit. When she puts too much pressure on, they cut them loose, move on and use and lie to the next AP (who lies that she’s just looking for fun; yeah right- looking for a new meal ticket)..never intending to leave their wives.

[Anonymous]

Let him tell the kids why you’re divorcing. None of it is on you, OP.

[Anonymous]

I have a friend who just confided in me the same thing for her. What can I say to help her? OP what are your most supportive people doing saying?