Long term affair... trying to wrap my head around if it’s even possible to get over your DH’s 3 yr

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was the cheater in a similar scenario - although not three years. I am so sorry for the hurt I caused. We are working through it. What has worked for us is that I ended the affair before he found out and committed to marriage and personal therapy - again before he found out. I started personal therapy knowing I needed to figure out what drew me to the affair and if I wanted to stay married. My therapist and I agreed that I would give the marriage therapy one year of a really hard effort.
When he did find out, I offered to leave. He didn’t take me up on it.
We have both been in individual therapy and marriage therapy for over a year. It is brutal but we have both learned a ton about ourselves and negative cycles in the marriage.
I have trouble even making sense of my thought process back then.
I see the pain that I caused every day and have to live with that. While it is on me to work through his pain with him, bonding again and becoming a couple is a joint effort that takes both of us to be 100% on board. Our therapist said to expect up to two years before we are in a somewhat normal space.
I don’t know if that helps but my point is that he has to be fully willing to commit to seeing and “holding” your pain for however long it takes you to heal. You both have to commit to rebuilding the relationship.
I am sorry for what I did and what he did.

That’s on your soul and character for life. Disgusting you could do that. He’s forever changed.

People make mistakes. She said she was sorry. You sound like a real peach. I get why your DH cheated on you.

True. Pp- your husband is always going to think of you in some other guy’s arms. Every time he has sex with you he’s going to wonder if he’s a better lover than your boyfriend. He’s never going to live it down. Sorry is a good start, but it will never be enough.

Most people have been with someone else before marriage so I don’t think this is necessarily true. Why is sex such a big deal? There is so much more to a long term relationship.

Dumb. Key word: BEFORE

Having sex with your spouse while you are also having sex on the outside exposes them to disease.

Give me a break that you would even try to compare prior partners/boyfriends to cheating on your husband.

.

Not to mention: betrayal, dishonesty, lies. An affair is no way comparable to relationships had prior to marriage. Who the hell even thinks like that?

[Anonymous]

There is so much more to a long term relationship: honesty and respect for your partner. Not going behind their back. Good god to those justifying their infidelity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was the cheater in a similar scenario - although not three years. I am so sorry for the hurt I caused. We are working through it. What has worked for us is that I ended the affair before he found out and committed to marriage and personal therapy - again before he found out. I started personal therapy knowing I needed to figure out what drew me to the affair and if I wanted to stay married. My therapist and I agreed that I would give the marriage therapy one year of a really hard effort.
When he did find out, I offered to leave. He didn’t take me up on it.
We have both been in individual therapy and marriage therapy for over a year. It is brutal but we have both learned a ton about ourselves and negative cycles in the marriage.
I have trouble even making sense of my thought process back then.
I see the pain that I caused every day and have to live with that. While it is on me to work through his pain with him, bonding again and becoming a couple is a joint effort that takes both of us to be 100% on board. Our therapist said to expect up to two years before we are in a somewhat normal space.
I don’t know if that helps but my point is that he has to be fully willing to commit to seeing and “holding” your pain for however long it takes you to heal. You both have to commit to rebuilding the relationship.
I am sorry for what I did and what he did.

That’s on your soul and character for life. Disgusting you could do that. He’s forever changed.

People make mistakes. She said she was sorry. You sound like a real peach. I get why your DH cheated on you.

True. Pp- your husband is always going to think of you in some other guy’s arms. Every time he has sex with you he’s going to wonder if he’s a better lover than your boyfriend. He’s never going to live it down. Sorry is a good start, but it will never be enough.

Well women have been dealing with this painful element post affair since forever. It is a piece of it that he will have to struggle with, over time its intensity and duration can lessen, if she is there with him, he has a therapist, he wants to move beyond rather than stay and pick at it, etc. It can be faced and it can be ok in that it may rear its head, he may visit, but they don't have to live there. Time can help...that may mean 5 years. If they are committed they can manage it. It does not need to haunt.

That’s really great. He has to take 5 years to deal with her sh@t and he didn’t even get the fun and thrill like she did. He got nothing. Most likely a gaslighter that wasn’t even nice while she was in her “lover years”. Five years he should be enjoying his kids with carefree abandonment, instead he has this on his mind 24/7.

[Anonymous]

*abandon

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was the cheater in a similar scenario - although not three years. I am so sorry for the hurt I caused. We are working through it. What has worked for us is that I ended the affair before he found out and committed to marriage and personal therapy - again before he found out. I started personal therapy knowing I needed to figure out what drew me to the affair and if I wanted to stay married. My therapist and I agreed that I would give the marriage therapy one year of a really hard effort.
When he did find out, I offered to leave. He didn’t take me up on it.
We have both been in individual therapy and marriage therapy for over a year. It is brutal but we have both learned a ton about ourselves and negative cycles in the marriage.
I have trouble even making sense of my thought process back then.
I see the pain that I caused every day and have to live with that. While it is on me to work through his pain with him, bonding again and becoming a couple is a joint effort that takes both of us to be 100% on board. Our therapist said to expect up to two years before we are in a somewhat normal space.
I don’t know if that helps but my point is that he has to be fully willing to commit to seeing and “holding” your pain for however long it takes you to heal. You both have to commit to rebuilding the relationship.
I am sorry for what I did and [/b]what he did[b].

What did he do that you are sorry for?

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t want to stay with someone that needed to figure out if they wanted to be married.

Many are in affairs and never wanted to “not be married”. Some even definitely tell the AP they love their spouse and have zero intention of leaving the marriage.

That was never a question my spouse asked and a bone of contention and jealousy for the AP.

Spouse is fighting hard and working hard day in and out to win love and trust back. If my spouse needed a year of therapy to decide if they even wanted to be married—I’d take that into consideration.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t want to stay with someone that needed to figure out if they wanted to be married.

Many are in affairs and never wanted to “not be married”. Some even definitely tell the AP they love their spouse and have zero intention of leaving the marriage.

That was never a question my spouse asked and a bone of contention and jealousy for the AP.

Spouse is fighting hard and working hard day in and out to win love and trust back. If my spouse needed a year of therapy to decide if they even wanted to be married—I’d take that into consideration.

^But individual therapy is a must to determine why they did what they did and to address and change that pattern. I just wouldn’t take a half-*ss ..hmmm I’m not sure if I want to stay married. I wouldn’t want someone that wasn’t 100% certain they wanted to spend the rest of their life with me. I’d get out if I was a consolation prize or just “okay”. That’s asking for more trouble down the road.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was the cheater in a similar scenario - although not three years. I am so sorry for the hurt I caused. We are working through it. What has worked for us is that I ended the affair before he found out and committed to marriage and personal therapy - again before he found out. I started personal therapy knowing I needed to figure out what drew me to the affair and if I wanted to stay married. My therapist and I agreed that I would give the marriage therapy one year of a really hard effort.
When he did find out, I offered to leave. He didn’t take me up on it.
We have both been in individual therapy and marriage therapy for over a year. It is brutal but we have both learned a ton about ourselves and negative cycles in the marriage.
I have trouble even making sense of my thought process back then.
I see the pain that I caused every day and have to live with that. While it is on me to work through his pain with him, bonding again and becoming a couple is a joint effort that takes both of us to be 100% on board. Our therapist said to expect up to two years before we are in a somewhat normal space.
I don’t know if that helps but my point is that he has to be fully willing to commit to seeing and “holding” your pain for however long it takes you to heal. You both have to commit to rebuilding the relationship.
I am sorry for what I did and what he did.

That’s on your soul and character for life. Disgusting you could do that. He’s forever changed.

People make mistakes. She said she was sorry. You sound like a real peach. I get why your DH cheated on you.

True. Pp- your husband is always going to think of you in some other guy’s arms. Every time he has sex with you he’s going to wonder if he’s a better lover than your boyfriend. He’s never going to live it down. Sorry is a good start, but it will never be enough.

Well women have been dealing with this painful element post affair since forever. It is a piece of it that he will have to struggle with, over time its intensity and duration can lessen, if she is there with him, he has a therapist, he wants to move beyond rather than stay and pick at it, etc. It can be faced and it can be ok in that it may rear its head, he may visit, but they don't have to live there. Time can help...that may mean 5 years. If they are committed they can manage it. It does not need to haunt.

That’s really great. He has to take 5 years to deal with her sh@t and he didn’t even get the fun and thrill like she did. He got nothing. Most likely a gaslighter that wasn’t even nice while she was in her “lover years”. Five years he should be enjoying his kids with carefree abandonment, instead he has this on his mind 24/7.

Yes. Every.single.day for the rest of their lives, a cheater should be thankful he/she is even allowed to stay in the house/marriage after what they did. They should be making up for those affair years every day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People don’t get to do whatever the hell they want and think saying “sorry” makes up for it. Some things “sorry” does not fix.

Hell yeah.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was the cheater in a similar scenario - although not three years. I am so sorry for the hurt I caused. We are working through it. What has worked for us is that I ended the affair before he found out and committed to marriage and personal therapy - again before he found out. I started personal therapy knowing I needed to figure out what drew me to the affair and if I wanted to stay married. My therapist and I agreed that I would give the marriage therapy one year of a really hard effort.
When he did find out, I offered to leave. He didn’t take me up on it.
We have both been in individual therapy and marriage therapy for over a year. It is brutal but we have both learned a ton about ourselves and negative cycles in the marriage.
I have trouble even making sense of my thought process back then.
I see the pain that I caused every day and have to live with that. While it is on me to work through his pain with him, bonding again and becoming a couple is a joint effort that takes both of us to be 100% on board. Our therapist said to expect up to two years before we are in a somewhat normal space.
I don’t know if that helps but my point is that he has to be fully willing to commit to seeing and “holding” your pain for however long it takes you to heal. You both have to commit to rebuilding the relationship.
I am sorry for what I did and what he did.

That’s on your soul and character for life. Disgusting you could do that. He’s forever changed.

People make mistakes. She said she was sorry. You sound like a real peach. I get why your DH cheated on you.

True. Pp- your husband is always going to think of you in some other guy’s arms. Every time he has sex with you he’s going to wonder if he’s a better lover than your boyfriend. He’s never going to live it down. Sorry is a good start, but it will never be enough.

Well women have been dealing with this painful element post affair since forever. It is a piece of it that he will have to struggle with, over time its intensity and duration can lessen, if she is there with him, he has a therapist, he wants to move beyond rather than stay and pick at it, etc. It can be faced and it can be ok in that it may rear its head, he may visit, but they don't have to live there. Time can help...that may mean 5 years. If they are committed they can manage it. It does not need to haunt.

That’s really great. He has to take 5 years to deal with her sh@t and he didn’t even get the fun and thrill like she did. He got nothing. Most likely a gaslighter that wasn’t even nice while she was in her “lover years”. Five years he should be enjoying his kids with carefree abandonment, instead he has this on his mind 24/7.

Yes. Every.single.day for the rest of their lives, a cheater should be thankful he/she is even allowed to stay in the house/marriage after what they did. They should be making up for those affair years every day.

But no one can really do this, by the intensity of your phrasing. Be honest, wouldn’t it be better to just divorce?

[Anonymous]

I think they need to do it for the first few years- minimum. That’s how long experts say recovery takes. Eventually it needs to move to an egalitarian relationship and can’t be held over spouse’s head forever.

I do know some relationships that came out stronger and the remorse and love betrayer has turns into dedicating rest of life to treating spouse right and making them happy. Communication and intimacy happens, thankfulness for giving them a chance. Continued therapy for life, check ins recommended. The ones that do this make it. If it was an exit affair or they only stayed because AP ditched them- you don’t want that.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, no, divorce him. Don’t accept his crying and “I’m sorry” it’s a lie

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think they need to do it for the first few years- minimum. That’s how long experts say recovery takes. Eventually it needs to move to an egalitarian relationship and can’t be held over spouse’s head forever.

I do know some relationships that came out stronger and the remorse and love betrayer has turns into dedicating rest of life to treating spouse right and making them happy. Communication and intimacy happens, thankfulness for giving them a chance. Continued therapy for life, check ins recommended. The ones that do this make it. If it was an exit affair or they only stayed because AP ditched them- you don’t want that.

I posted several pages back about my friend who chose to stay with his wife after he busted her and her AP dumped her. I told him he was an idiot for staying, but that if he chose to do that then he had better be ready to forgive her and move on from it. No relationship can survive if one side is constantly in debt to the other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, no, divorce him. Don’t accept his crying and “I’m sorry” it’s a lie

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think they need to do it for the first few years- minimum. That’s how long experts say recovery takes. Eventually it needs to move to an egalitarian relationship and can’t be held over spouse’s head forever.

I do know some relationships that came out stronger and the remorse and love betrayer has turns into dedicating rest of life to treating spouse right and making them happy. Communication and intimacy happens, thankfulness for giving them a chance. Continued therapy for life, check ins recommended. The ones that do this make it. If it was an exit affair or they only stayed because AP ditched them- you don’t want that.

I posted several pages back about my friend who chose to stay with his wife after he busted her and her AP dumped her. I told him he was an idiot for staying, but that if he chose to do that then he had better be ready to forgive her and move on from it. No relationship can survive if one side is constantly in debt to the other.

Agree. But, with the exception of the first two years post-discovery. Every infidelity expert agrees on that. There needs to be real concerted effort by the betrayer those first two years post-affair.