Long term affair... trying to wrap my head around if it’s even possible to get over your DH’s 3 yr

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who just confided in me the same thing for her. What can I say to help her? OP what are your most supportive people doing saying?

NP, but I had the same experience a few months ago. It's different for everyone of course, but what I want is for my friends and family to check in at least once a week and just send a text saying "thinking of you" or "hugs." don't ask, how are you? she's terrible, and will remain terrible long past when she's allowed to keep responding with "terrible," so that's too much pressure. I'm an introvert, so I didn't have the energy for long talks with anyone -- but it seems everyone interpreted that as "she wants space" and they ignore me completely, which makes me feel so sad and bitter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who just confided in me the same thing for her. What can I say to help her? OP what are your most supportive people doing saying?

NP, but I had the same experience a few months ago. It's different for everyone of course, but what I want is for my friends and family to check in at least once a week and just send a text saying "thinking of you" or "hugs." don't ask, how are you? she's terrible, and will remain terrible long past when she's allowed to keep responding with "terrible," so that's too much pressure. I'm an introvert, so I didn't have the energy for long talks with anyone -- but it seems everyone interpreted that as "she wants space" and they ignore me completely, which makes me feel so sad and bitter.

I agree with this. Everyone checked in the first few weeks and then silence. I think they are afraid or think they are giving space, waiting for me to reach out. It’s hard to talk about and you feel so much shame and embarrassment even though it’s not your fault.

It’s incredibly isolating and painful. I feel like a leper.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who just confided in me the same thing for her. What can I say to help her? OP what are your most supportive people doing saying?

NP, but I had the same experience a few months ago. It's different for everyone of course, but what I want is for my friends and family to check in at least once a week and just send a text saying "thinking of you" or "hugs." don't ask, how are you? she's terrible, and will remain terrible long past when she's allowed to keep responding with "terrible," so that's too much pressure. I'm an introvert, so I didn't have the energy for long talks with anyone -- but it seems everyone interpreted that as "she wants space" and they ignore me completely, which makes me feel so sad and bitter.

I agree with this. Everyone checked in the first few weeks and then silence. I think they are afraid or think they are giving space, waiting for me to reach out. It’s hard to talk about and you feel so much shame and embarrassment even though it’s not your fault.

It’s incredibly isolating and painful. I feel like a leper.

I chose not to tell my family. This makes it harder as well. If you might reconcile you really think long and hard about who to tell and what it will do if they know for the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who just confided in me the same thing for her. What can I say to help her? OP what are your most supportive people doing saying?

The best thing someone told me is that it's not my fault because I'm awesome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who just confided in me the same thing for her. What can I say to help her? OP what are your most supportive people doing saying?

NP, but I had the same experience a few months ago. It's different for everyone of course, but what I want is for my friends and family to check in at least once a week and just send a text saying "thinking of you" or "hugs." don't ask, how are you? she's terrible, and will remain terrible long past when she's allowed to keep responding with "terrible," so that's too much pressure. I'm an introvert, so I didn't have the energy for long talks with anyone -- but it seems everyone interpreted that as "she wants space" and they ignore me completely, which makes me feel so sad and bitter.

Good to know. See to me sending hugs seems trite but I can see your point!

[Anonymous]

I chose not to tell my family. This makes it harder as well. If you might reconcile you really think long and hard about who to tell and what it will do if they know for the future.

Don’t keep his secrets. You need a support network. Let him deal with the consequences of his actions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I chose not to tell my family. This makes it harder as well. If you might reconcile you really think long and hard about who to tell and what it will do if they know for the future.

Don’t keep his secrets. You need a support network. Let him deal with the consequences of his actions.

+1

I'm in a different place because there was no chance of us reconciling (he wants to be with AP), but then I found out she was far from the first. I told him it's his shame to carry, not mine. For the first two weeks, I didn't tell anyone, because I asked him to cut off contact with her, move out, and go to therapy to see if there was anything worth saving for the sake of our kids. After dodging the issue for two weeks, I confronted him yet again (basically, what are you doing here?) and he said he would move out. That's when I opened up to people. I agree if you think there's even a chance at staying together, be careful who you tell, but tell someone.

If anyone needs a place to vent, I can make a throwaway and post it here. Also reddit r/survivinginfidelity, or for those trying to reconcile, r/AsOneAfterInfidelity. Chump Lady is more of a scorch the Earth approach. I'm reading the book, Lose a Cheater and Gain a Life. Even though he wasn't trying to get back together, it's still really helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who just confided in me the same thing for her. What can I say to help her? OP what are your most supportive people doing saying?

NP, but I had the same experience a few months ago. It's different for everyone of course, but what I want is for my friends and family to check in at least once a week and just send a text saying "thinking of you" or "hugs." don't ask, how are you? she's terrible, and will remain terrible long past when she's allowed to keep responding with "terrible," so that's too much pressure. I'm an introvert, so I didn't have the energy for long talks with anyone -- but it seems everyone interpreted that as "she wants space" and they ignore me completely, which makes me feel so sad and bitter.

Good to know. See to me sending hugs seems trite but I can see your point!

+1. I have a few thinking of you texts to send now

[Anonymous]

Hugs. It is particularly mind blowing when you had a great/active sex life, a good marriage and family life. I had to almost slap myself every morning for the first 3 months to snap myself back into the new reality...he wasn’t who I thought he was. You give half your life and it’s like finding out he was a Russian spy or something. It is a mind f@ck. Makes you question everything. It does a number on you trusting yourself.

Here’s the thing: they were that good at lying and deceiving. Truly. And it was about them in these type of good marriages. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Sometimes there really are zero signs.



Thank you so much for everything you wrote. Thought I was the only one who felt like this. It's really hard to keep the reality 'real' because the deception was so successfully, expertly hidden.



And since there were “zero” signs, you don’t know what to look out for in the future. That’s the problem I have. If he acted differently, e.g., remote, distant, an @sshole, had a schedule change, worked late often, had overnights, text or phone trace, etc. BUT- with none of these signs there is no way you will ever know if they do it again since they are so good at deception. I looked at pictures, thought if all the nice things he did for me and my family during that time (like he did the entire marriage)...and it’s totally mind-blowing. To the point, I questioned if he is a sociopath.

Yep. NP here, but I echo everything above. I was also taken 100% off guard by my ex husband's affair. It is absolutely a mind f@@k, where you feel like you are falling and cant even get the ground under your feet. It does cause you to question EVERYTHING. And it does a huge number on your ability to trust yourself. I also found that it has royally screwed my subsequent relationships. I always had a very secure attachment style. I trusted easily. After I started dating again, I'd actually experience panic attacks if the person I was dating didn't answer when I called, or showed up late, etc. It's a real trauma to get through.

All that said, I am extremely happy now. My world blew up in 2016, and I am in the best shape of my life. I am thriving in my social life. I'm traveling, kicking butt at work, and generally living my best life.

You WILL get through this. Measure your progress in months, not days. Even 4 years out I still have some days that some random memory or realization will knock me to my knees again, but those days are few and far between.

You got this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Hugs. It is particularly mind blowing when you had a great/active sex life, a good marriage and family life. I had to almost slap myself every morning for the first 3 months to snap myself back into the new reality...he wasn’t who I thought he was. You give half your life and it’s like finding out he was a Russian spy or something. It is a mind f@ck. Makes you question everything. It does a number on you trusting yourself.

Here’s the thing: they were that good at lying and deceiving. Truly. And it was about them in these type of good marriages. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Sometimes there really are zero signs.



Thank you so much for everything you wrote. Thought I was the only one who felt like this. It's really hard to keep the reality 'real' because the deception was so successfully, expertly hidden.



And since there were “zero” signs, you don’t know what to look out for in the future. That’s the problem I have. If he acted differently, e.g., remote, distant, an @sshole, had a schedule change, worked late often, had overnights, text or phone trace, etc. BUT- with none of these signs there is no way you will ever know if they do it again since they are so good at deception. I looked at pictures, thought if all the nice things he did for me and my family during that time (like he did the entire marriage)...and it’s totally mind-blowing. To the point, I questioned if he is a sociopath.

Yep. NP here, but I echo everything above. I was also taken 100% off guard by my ex husband's affair. It is absolutely a mind f@@k, where you feel like you are falling and cant even get the ground under your feet. It does cause you to question EVERYTHING. And it does a huge number on your ability to trust yourself. I also found that it has royally screwed my subsequent relationships. I always had a very secure attachment style. I trusted easily. After I started dating again, I'd actually experience panic attacks if the person I was dating didn't answer when I called, or showed up late, etc. It's a real trauma to get through.

All that said, I am extremely happy now. My world blew up in 2016, and I am in the best shape of my life. I am thriving in my social life. I'm traveling, kicking butt at work, and generally living my best life.

You WILL get through this. Measure your progress in months, not days. Even 4 years out I still have some days that some random memory or realization will knock me to my knees again, but those days are few and far between.

You got this.

I love this. Thanks for sharing!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I chose not to tell my family. This makes it harder as well. If you might reconcile you really think long and hard about who to tell and what it will do if they know for the future.

Don’t keep his secrets. You need a support network. Let him deal with the consequences of his actions.

This is so important

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who just confided in me the same thing for her. What can I say to help her? OP what are your most supportive people doing saying?

The best thing someone told me is that it's not my fault because I'm awesome.

This. I wish more people told me - it’s not your fault, you’re awesome, and even if you’re less than awesome no one deserves to be cheated on! The flaw is him, if you leave you will have our friendship and support, when can I babysit?, when can we socialize with you?, what can we do to help you manage divorce and reconstructing life.