Long term affair... trying to wrap my head around if it’s even possible to get over your DH’s 3 yr

[Anonymous]

This guy is basically living two lives for a very long time and she should just fix it?! Where is the self worth and dignity. Never in a million years.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:This was a THREE YEAR affair. It wasn't a one night stand or a small moment of transgression. He likely lied to her on a daily basis..a thousand lies.


That is not love. That level of disrespect and deception says that he does not love and value her the way she deserves. If she is ok settling for that, that shows a lack of dignity for herself. She needs to move on and find someone that truly loves and values her.

If OP has the means to leave she 100% should.

One of my friends found out that his wife had been cheating on him for 5+ years, over half their marriage. And it was with her boss, who was apparently under the impression they were in a sexless marriage and only together for the kids. They were planning a whole life together.

After my friend found out, he confronted her, and she still refused to stop seeing her boss. It was only when my friend talked directly to her boss and informed him that their marriage was not entirely sexless that she was forced to stop because her boss fired her and told her not to contact him again. Of course she went crawling back to my friend, and of course he took her back.

It's been over two years, and from outward appearances they appeared to have fixed things, so I suppose anything is possible OP if both sides are committed to it.

That’s a circumstance I would not do. And I stayed in a marriage with a midlife affair. My spouse had ended it before confessing and was incredibly, incredibly remorseful and did lot of self work. For somebody that blatantly was still having the affair and it only stopped because they were dumped (and fired- good lord) more power to him.

I gave him my $0.02 on how I would have handled it, and it definitely did not involve staying with her. Her boss is the only one he knew for sure something happened with, but he caught her sending pics to at least two other guys. I don't see how she won't do this again, but it's his marriage, not mine. He seems happy for the moment.

Women and men cheat for different reasons. You can't compare the 2.

So you are saying that OP doesn't have anything to worry about?

No. I think OP can't find an answer online. I also think giving advise based on a man's experience when his wife cheated is like giving a baseball player advise on how to tackle.

The only advice I gave was that if both sides are committed to working through it anything is possible. Do you disagree with that statement?

I both agree and disagree. I don't think you can work on a marriage and recover it. I think you can work on individuals and heal their marriage.

If the cheater is willing to do the work necessary to understand why they are a cheater and are willing to make change then anything is possible.

Working on a "marriage" will fail every time if the cheater does not dig deep to find out why they cheated.

I have work with many women who cheated, mostly had severe trauma in their childhood, they did the hard work to understand how that caused their cheating, not their marriage.

I then worked with the H to help them understand in compassion and empathy for their wife who cheated as a result of abuse not a person cheating on their marriage. Once they can separate the cheating from their marriage and see it has nothing to do with him or the marriage it can be a path to understanding, healing and recovery.

That can recover a marriage.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Could the self righteous women that never experienced this, take leave?

They are probably experiencing it, but just don’t know.

Exactly! I read a statistic that the number 1 risk factor for being cheated on is thinking it isn’t happening and/or could never happen in your marriage.

I was guilty of that. It never crossed my mind and there were zero signs until the very end when he started drinking from the stress of it. I had a great marriage which is exactly why I was completely blindsided. Completely.

It’s way more common and most are never discovered.

[Anonymous]

I think the men who Glass was discussing, who say they are happy but do not turn down any option for extramarital sex (and do this early in the marriage) are very different from involved, married fathers in midlife who have 15 years or more of monogamy behind them and then have an affair. I would argue that the first is not likely capable of monogamy. A man who has been faithful for many years, in the big picture, may actually be pretty good at monogamy. It's gut wrenching, but these are not the same kinds of men.
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[Anonymous]

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I’ve been married for 15 years, together for 20. We are still deeply in love after all these years, not just two people who share a house. So any infidelity from either of us would be such a massive betrayal that our marriage would have to end. I just cannot fathom doing the math on my spouse “only banging her X amount of times per month” and choosing to stay. Have some self respect, people.

HAHA... no infidelity that you know of. Sure you can have a deeply committed and in love marriage and he can be banging the secretary. For men it's different and you clearly don't get it.

Just because a man loves you does not mean you have to stay married.

You seem confused. Are you sure you’re replying to the right post?

Yes. I'm replying to somebody that imagines "because they are not 2 people just sharing a house" that there could never be infidelity. It's a lie people tell themselves as self protections. They believe if they "do everything right" nothing bad can happen. It's not rare to have an affair and 1 person thought they were deeply in love and are blindsided. Here is the thing, you can be deeply in love and have an affair. She clearly does not get that. She is in the "this could never happen to me" category and she is wrong.

Point to the part of my post where I say there could never be infidelity?

You said that your H has been faithful the whole marriage so you clearly think there has been no infidelity. You can't be positive. You only think there has been no infidelity.

I made no such claim, and you really need to work on your reading comprehension. Is it possible he’s cheated and I didn’t know about it? Of course. But if I did find out about it, I sure as hell would never stay.

And you can say “you don’t know what you would do” all you want. I know myself. I would not stay.

If I could double charge for every woman that wants to leave because that is what her 30 year old self told her she would do instead of what she actually wants to do because it is best for her family... I'd be retired. Ego is a strange bedfellow.

You think you are being righteous but you are being self righteous. It's destructive, you should work on that
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Good luck!

P.S. OP I'm not saying to stay, but don't listen to people who have never been in your situation ... they have no basis for their opinions.

It's way too complicated for a post on DCUM. I'm sorry for your pain. You will rise, no matter if you stay or go, stay true to yourself.

I’m not sure why you’re so upset that I would choose something different than what you apparently chose to do when you were cheated on. I guess it must sting to know that other women consider it a loss of dignity or self-respect to stay with a cheating spouse. I’m sorry for all the pain you must have endured. Good luck to you as well.

Wow! You are a mess.

I have not been cheated on but I am a therapist and since I am not acting as a therapist right now... I can tell you ... you seriously need therapy.

Hey, as one therapist to another....disengage.

Nope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the men who Glass was discussing, who say they are happy but do not turn down any option for extramarital sex (and do this early in the marriage) are very different from involved, married fathers in midlife who have 15 years or more of monogamy behind them and then have an affair. I would argue that the first is not likely capable of monogamy. A man who has been faithful for many years, in the big picture, may actually be pretty good at monogamy. It's gut wrenching, but these are not the same kinds of men.
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You misread.

That’s exactly what she said: infidelity early in a marriage is a bad sign.

She says exactly what you just said.

A spouse that cheats for the first time after 15-20 years is very different than a guy in year 1-3 cheating.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I think the men who Glass was discussing, who say they are happy but do not turn down any option for extramarital sex (and do this early in the marriage) are very different from involved, married fathers in midlife who have 15 years or more of monogamy behind them and then have an affair. I would argue that the first is not likely capable of monogamy. A man who has been faithful for many years, in the big picture, may actually be pretty good at monogamy. It's gut wrenching, but these are not the same kinds of men.
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You misread.

That’s exactly what she said: infidelity early in a marriage is a bad sign.

She says exactly what you just said.

A spouse that cheats for the first time after 15-20 years is very different than a guy in year 1-3 cheating.

Read her book. I quoted her out of context, excerpts.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:After 3 yrs that was his girlfriend.

This. The level of deception, commitment, and feelings/attachment that go into making a 3 year affair work is something I could never forgive. It would be immediate divorce.

If he was banging her once a month that doesn’t take a high level of commitment if he was seeing her a few times per week that’s completely different.

Is this what people tell themselves when choosing to stay with a cheating spouse? Wow.

In long marriages 20+ years, yes. Kids involved that would have to split their homes and sleep in different places? Yes.

It all depends on circumstances, the individuals and how the marriage was prior to the affair. The more you study infidelity and men you will learn that men in happy marriages will cheat (up to 60%). Studies reveal men in affairs rage have some of the highest marital satisfaction while women in affairs have some of the lowest marital satisfaction.

The question is what is he doing now? How is he acting? Is he in therapy? Were you happy prior? To throw away a 20+ year marriage on a midlife crisis and unaddressed issues is a fool’s errand and highly detrimental to the kids. Now, if this was a pattern and the marriage had always been riddled with problems and the affair was much more—different set of issues. It’s a fallacy that once a cheater always a cheater. Those that see the hurt and devastation in their spouse and do the work never want to go there again.

Nobody should judge anyone else. I’m fact, there are sooooo many people that face this issue in their marriage, make it work and come out stronger. You would never guess how many friends. Neighbors or even family may have suffered in silence. People don’t tell others about affairs.

God, I am so tired of people who don't consider the impact of the affair at all on the woman. Let's reframe what you just wrote -- "to stay in a 20+ year marriage to a man who would betray you in such a way, in whom you will never fully trust again, who was completely unable to restrain his own impulses for the benefit of the wife, marriage and kids, who could not explicitly name and negotiate openly whatever personal issues or conflict underpinned the affair is a fool's errand and highly detrimental to the wife and kids."

No one knows if a person who cheats will cheat again, but I chose not to live under that sword of Damocles, which was highly detrimental to me and my kids.

I didn't tell anyone else about my partner's affair, and that was a HUGE mistake. I allowed secrecy to take away my authenticity before my friends, my kids and in law family and my community. People who didn't know about the affair made false assumptions and judgments about behaviors and actions they could see and those false assumptions and judgments, uncorrected by me, were extremely damaging to me and my kids.

There are so many people who faced this issue in their marriage and ended up divorcing over it. I just found out yesterday that an affair was the reason for a good friend's divorce over 10 years ago. Neither half of the couple disclosed her affair.

I have every right to judge who I want in my life -- I don't want a spouse who has cheated, and I don't want to be intimate friends with a person who cheated on their spouse. IME, a cheater has deep problems living in reality and being honest and putting others needs before their own. It's my right to judge whether I want those people in my circle or not. I am in control of my own life and not obligated to continue to interact with people who are damaging.

[Anonymous]

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I’ve been married for 15 years, together for 20. We are still deeply in love after all these years, not just two people who share a house. So any infidelity from either of us would be such a massive betrayal that our marriage would have to end. I just cannot fathom doing the math on my spouse “only banging her X amount of times per month” and choosing to stay. Have some self respect, people.

HAHA... no infidelity that you know of. Sure you can have a deeply committed and in love marriage and he can be banging the secretary. For men it's different and you clearly don't get it.

Just because a man loves you does not mean you have to stay married.

You seem confused. Are you sure you’re replying to the right post?

Yes. I'm replying to somebody that imagines "because they are not 2 people just sharing a house" that there could never be infidelity. It's a lie people tell themselves as self protections. They believe if they "do everything right" nothing bad can happen. It's not rare to have an affair and 1 person thought they were deeply in love and are blindsided. Here is the thing, you can be deeply in love and have an affair. She clearly does not get that. She is in the "this could never happen to me" category and she is wrong.

Point to the part of my post where I say there could never be infidelity?

You said that your H has been faithful the whole marriage so you clearly think there has been no infidelity. You can't be positive. You only think there has been no infidelity.

I made no such claim, and you really need to work on your reading comprehension. Is it possible he’s cheated and I didn’t know about it? Of course. But if I did find out about it, I sure as hell would never stay.

And you can say “you don’t know what you would do” all you want. I know myself. I would not stay.

If I could double charge for every woman that wants to leave because that is what her 30 year old self told her she would do instead of what she actually wants to do because it is best for her family... I'd be retired. Ego is a strange bedfellow.

You think you are being righteous but you are being self righteous. It's destructive, you should work on that
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Good luck!

P.S. OP I'm not saying to stay, but don't listen to people who have never been in your situation ... they have no basis for their opinions.

It's way too complicated for a post on DCUM. I'm sorry for your pain. You will rise, no matter if you stay or go, stay true to yourself.

I’m not sure why you’re so upset that I would choose something different than what you apparently chose to do when you were cheated on. I guess it must sting to know that other women consider it a loss of dignity or self-respect to stay with a cheating spouse. I’m sorry for all the pain you must have endured. Good luck to you as well.

Wow! You are a mess.

I have not been cheated on but I am a therapist and since I am not acting as a therapist right now... I can tell you ... you seriously need therapy.

Hey, as one therapist to another....disengage.

Nope.

Lol, this PP is not a therapist. Or if she is, she is clearly incompetent.

[Anonymous]

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I’ve been married for 15 years, together for 20. We are still deeply in love after all these years, not just two people who share a house. So any infidelity from either of us would be such a massive betrayal that our marriage would have to end. I just cannot fathom doing the math on my spouse “only banging her X amount of times per month” and choosing to stay. Have some self respect, people.

HAHA... no infidelity that you know of. Sure you can have a deeply committed and in love marriage and he can be banging the secretary. For men it's different and you clearly don't get it.

Just because a man loves you does not mean you have to stay married.

You seem confused. Are you sure you’re replying to the right post?

Yes. I'm replying to somebody that imagines "because they are not 2 people just sharing a house" that there could never be infidelity. It's a lie people tell themselves as self protections. They believe if they "do everything right" nothing bad can happen. It's not rare to have an affair and 1 person thought they were deeply in love and are blindsided. Here is the thing, you can be deeply in love and have an affair. She clearly does not get that. She is in the "this could never happen to me" category and she is wrong.

Point to the part of my post where I say there could never be infidelity?

You said that your H has been faithful the whole marriage so you clearly think there has been no infidelity. You can't be positive. You only think there has been no infidelity.

I made no such claim, and you really need to work on your reading comprehension. Is it possible he’s cheated and I didn’t know about it? Of course. But if I did find out about it, I sure as hell would never stay.

And you can say “you don’t know what you would do” all you want. I know myself. I would not stay.

Plenty have said just that and yet...they do. When you had a great marriage and great love, it's more likely that you will stay even if it goes against every core fiber and belief you ever held. Never say never.

Read that blog posted about the woman that also felt the same EXACT way and then it happened to her....

Sorry. I know too many strong women that uttered those same phrases but the shock and reality when it does happen is something you cannot begin to fathom. And when you have a lifetime and kids together it's really different.

Look, I’m sorry that this (presumably) is your situation. And I’m sorry that this happened to the lady with the blog. There are many transgressions I could forgive. An affair is not one of them. You just need to make your peace with the fact that you do not know me, a stranger on the internet, as well as I know myself.

+1. I am also one who knew I could not continue to live with a cheater. Please don't patronize me by telling me that I am not strong, didn't have a lifetime, didn't have a strong enough love or a commitment to my kids.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:After 3 yrs that was his girlfriend.

This. The level of deception, commitment, and feelings/attachment that go into making a 3 year affair work is something I could never forgive. It would be immediate divorce.

If he was banging her once a month that doesn’t take a high level of commitment if he was seeing her a few times per week that’s completely different.

Is this what people tell themselves when choosing to stay with a cheating spouse? Wow.

In long marriages 20+ years, yes. Kids involved that would have to split their homes and sleep in different places? Yes.

It all depends on circumstances, the individuals and how the marriage was prior to the affair. The more you study infidelity and men you will learn that men in happy marriages will cheat (up to 60%). Studies reveal men in affairs rage have some of the highest marital satisfaction while women in affairs have some of the lowest marital satisfaction.

The question is what is he doing now? How is he acting? Is he in therapy? Were you happy prior? To throw away a 20+ year marriage on a midlife crisis and unaddressed issues is a fool’s errand and highly detrimental to the kids. Now, if this was a pattern and the marriage had always been riddled with problems and the affair was much more—different set of issues. It’s a fallacy that once a cheater always a cheater. Those that see the hurt and devastation in their spouse and do the work never want to go there again.

Nobody should judge anyone else. I’m fact, there are sooooo many people that face this issue in their marriage, make it work and come out stronger. You would never guess how many friends. Neighbors or even family may have suffered in silence. People don’t tell others about affairs.

God, I am so tired of people who don't consider the impact of the affair at all on the woman. Let's reframe what you just wrote -- "to stay in a 20+ year marriage to a man who would betray you in such a way, in whom you will never fully trust again, who was completely unable to restrain his own impulses for the benefit of the wife, marriage and kids, who could not explicitly name and negotiate openly whatever personal issues or conflict underpinned the affair is a fool's errand and highly detrimental to the wife and kids."

No one knows if a person who cheats will cheat again, but I chose not to live under that sword of Damocles, which was highly detrimental to me and my kids.

I didn't tell anyone else about my partner's affair, and that was a HUGE mistake. I allowed secrecy to take away my authenticity before my friends, my kids and in law family and my community. People who didn't know about the affair made false assumptions and judgments about behaviors and actions they could see and those false assumptions and judgments, uncorrected by me, were extremely damaging to me and my kids.

There are so many people who faced this issue in their marriage and ended up divorcing over it. I just found out yesterday that an affair was the reason for a good friend's divorce over 10 years ago. Neither half of the couple disclosed her affair.

I have every right to judge who I want in my life -- I don't want a spouse who has cheated, and I don't want to be intimate friends with a person who cheated on their spouse. IME, a cheater has deep problems living in reality and being honest and putting others needs before their own. It's my right to judge whether I want those people in my circle or not. I am in control of my own life and not obligated to continue to interact with people who are damaging.

I told his mother, his cousin (like a brother), his Aunt and AP’s spouse.

He needed exposure. They thrive on secrecy.

I did not tell neighbors, my family or close friends because that would get back to my kids whom I protect.

Keeping that secret does a lot of damage as you have described. They don’t deserve protection.

But, you are wrong to put every woman in your situation and be judgemental about the “victim”. Just as she does not know you or your unique circumstances, you don’t know her and shouldn’t be harsh.

I agree with your stance on cheaters though, but don’t sh@t on other women that were cheated on for their personal choices.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:A lot of French women tolerate this. If you're not providing a good sex life for your husband and/or you lack a sex drive, what do you care? As long as he doesn't have more children and you maintain your lifestyle, so be it.

STOP! Did you not read any of the cited blogs or infidelity specialists. It is not the REASON many men cheat. Many men are still having very active sex lives with their own wives. Many men in happy marriages cheat.

Just stop with the crap already.

Shirley Glass:

Q: Is this compartmentalizing characteristic of people who get into affairs?

Dr. G. It’s much more characteristic of men. Most women believe that if you love your partner, you wouldn’t even be in an affair; therefore, if someone has an affair, it means that they didn’t love their partner and they do love the person that they had the affair with. But my research has shown that there are many men who do love their partners, who enjoy good sex at home, who nevertheless never turn down an opportunity for extramarital sex. In fact, 56 percent of the men I sampled who had extramarital intercourse said that their marriages were happy, versus 34 percent of the women.

That’s how I got into this.

My xDH also was quite a compartmentalizer. He was shocked when I found out and even more shocked that it meant the end of our marriage. In fact, I would say that "compartmentalizing" was simply a reflection of his male privilege and self-delusion. He never perceived what he was doing as any kind of abuse or theft to me, because our culture teaches that what he was doing was common, natural and part of his "drive".

[Anonymous]

Betrayed women should support one another. Everyone makes the choice that is best for themselves and their children.

You all should respect one another.

And if you have never been betrayed before (or just don’t know it), STFU.

[Anonymous]

How do you know that he never had affairs before? He very well may have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you know that he never had affairs before? He very well may have.

This is part of the disclosure she will need going forward. The woman just found out. It’s a long process...

Unlike most men, he actually confessed.