Long term affair... trying to wrap my head around if it’s even possible to get over your DH’s 3 yr

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Survivinginfidelity.com will be a great help to you.

I like “betrayed wives” MUCH better. There are some very trashy loony people on SI. Betrayed wives is much better. Read the comments after all of her posts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t do more work than him to fix the marriage. He broke it, he needs to be the one to fix it.

+1

He should be working double time. He should be doing everything around the house and with the kids to take the burden off of you right now. He should be finding the therapist and initiating his own healing and he should be remorseful. He should be getting STD tested and a vasectomy and offer you a post-nuptial agreement. It’s a risk for you to stay with someone like this so he needs to do everything possible and be as transparent as he can.

[Anonymous]

Why I a hen he confessing now and what does he want going forward? I don’t think I could stay but those are important questions to answer. I believe once a cheater always a cheater (it’s just a matter of time).

[Anonymous]

^ sorry: first sentence should be why is he confessing now?

[Anonymous]

Get books. Shirley Glass’ book is a great one.

He should answer any question yuh have about the affair. Any. No secrets. Complete disclosure (as much as you want to know). DO THIS BEFORE therapy.

Do not go into Couples therapy until you BOTH (or at least he) has had individual therapy. He needs to work on himself before he can be truthful and act in good faith in couples therapy. Couples therapy is way down the road. Too soon f@cks everything up and many are awful and will limit what they want him to tell you. That’s BS. That almost ended us until he ignored him and told me.

[Anonymous]

Seriously go to the Chump Lady website.

[Anonymous]

Is it over? Did he end it? Was he the one that ended it?

Those 3 questions are the first.

And: who was she??!?!! How did they meet?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After 3 yrs that was his girlfriend.

This. The level of deception, commitment, and feelings/attachment that go into making a 3 year affair work is something I could never forgive. It would be immediate divorce.

If he was banging her once a month that doesn’t take a high level of commitment if he was seeing her a few times per week that’s completely different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get books. Shirley Glass’ book is a great one.

He should answer any question yuh have about the affair. Any. No secrets. Complete disclosure (as much as you want to know). DO THIS BEFORE therapy.

Do not go into Couples therapy until you BOTH (or at least he) has had individual therapy. He needs to work on himself before he can be truthful and act in good faith in couples therapy. Couples therapy is way down the road. Too soon f@cks everything up and many are awful and will limit what they want him to tell you. That’s BS. That almost ended us until he ignored him and told me.

+ for Shirley Glass book.

BTDT - it was one of the worst times of my life and I look back and think wow how did I get through that. But of course you do and things are infinitely better now. I am so very glad that I’m not married to my ex. You will get through this and it does get better !

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After 3 yrs that was his girlfriend.

This. The level of deception, commitment, and feelings/attachment that go into making a 3 year affair work is something I could never forgive. It would be immediate divorce.

If he was banging her once a month that doesn’t take a high level of commitment if he was seeing her a few times per week that’s completely different.

Also, Workplace affair would be intense because he would be physically seeing her everyday vs if it’s an Internet ho he just saw for sex in the flesh once per month or so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After 3 yrs that was his girlfriend.

This. The level of deception, commitment, and feelings/attachment that go into making a 3 year affair work is something I could never forgive. It would be immediate divorce.

If he was banging her once a month that doesn’t take a high level of commitment if he was seeing her a few times per week that’s completely different.

Is this what people tell themselves when choosing to stay with a cheating spouse? Wow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After 3 yrs that was his girlfriend.

This. The level of deception, commitment, and feelings/attachment that go into making a 3 year affair work is something I could never forgive. It would be immediate divorce.

If he was banging her once a month that doesn’t take a high level of commitment if he was seeing her a few times per week that’s completely different.

Is this what people tell themselves when choosing to stay with a cheating spouse? Wow.

In long marriages 20+ years, yes. Kids involved that would have to split their homes and sleep in different places? Yes.

It all depends on circumstances, the individuals and how the marriage was prior to the affair. The more you study infidelity and men you will learn that men in happy marriages will cheat (up to 60%). Studies reveal men in affairs rage have some of the highest marital satisfaction while women in affairs have some of the lowest marital satisfaction.

The question is what is he doing now? How is he acting? Is he in therapy? Were you happy prior? To throw away a 20+ year marriage on a midlife crisis and unaddressed issues is a fool’s errand and highly detrimental to the kids. Now, if this was a pattern and the marriage had always been riddled with problems and the affair was much more—different set of issues. It’s a fallacy that once a cheater always a cheater. Those that see the hurt and devastation in their spouse and do the work never want to go there again.

Nobody should judge anyone else. I’m fact, there are sooooo many people that face this issue in their marriage, make it work and come out stronger. You would never guess how many friends. Neighbors or even family may have suffered in silence. People don’t tell others about affairs.

[Anonymous]

And some people are in truly awful marriages their entire lives and hold up the “fidelity” badge...yet no sex and miserable for decades.

Rock bottom midlife can change the trajectory of the marriage and all the therapy accompanying it and soul searching can make the 2nd half infinitely better than those that just harbor resentment and don’t even touch.

[Anonymous]

I’m trying to wrap my head around why you would even entertain staying married to him. Do you have zero dignity?

[Anonymous]

This is deep, big betrayal, also use of marital income on her, who knows how much. Curious why he confessed, that’s good if you want to try to work it out when children are involved. It’s easier on the children and can be saved if you can forgive. Mine was caught, or he wanted to get caught, and went on to marry her; harder when she becomes the stepmom and you have to witness this. Who was she, did they work together? I’m sorry for you, it’s a long road.