Dating advice for divorced dad

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents divorced when I was in middle school, with my mom getting primary custody. It was awful, and 30 years later, it still affects me. But I don't think the custody arrangement was what made it awful. I think what made it awful was that my mom went out of her way to make it hard for my dad to get his mandatory time with the kids, rarely let him have bonus time, and constantly told us what a horrible person he was. Before the divorce, I was closer to my dad and basically had a good relationship with him, but the divorce destroyed that and it took about another 15-20 years to get back something remotely decent with him. And today, you know what I think? I think it was my mom who was a horrible person. So, I my advice for OP on the custody arrangement is not to get hung up on the percentages, but rather to focus on getting along with your ex (or biting your tongue if that's the most you can do) and staying really engaged with the kids.

You have my sympathies as I went through something very similar. My mother essentially tried to poison me against my father although he did nothing to deserve it. My mother's tactics didn't work. Although I forgave her it was extremely damaging to go through as a child.

If you haven't read up about Parental Alienation Syndrome it may be helpful. I wish more divorced people would - so they can learn to stop this psychological abuse before it takes hold.

[Anonymous]

I'm early 40s (woman) and recently divorced with two kids.
What surprises me is that you don't have 50/50 custody. Did you just give her more time?

My ex has the same amount of wealth as before because he made me wait to go back to work before he would amicably divorce. I could have done it the other way, but it would have been worse for my kids. So, he still has as much money as before. He is not supporting two households on one income (which I could have insisted upon but the divorce would have been really nasty). I make too much money while working to get alimony. We are doing 50/50 custody.

I think you need to actually be divorced before even considering dating. Also think about if you want random hookups, a long-term hookup, or a possible LTR.

I have found that I am overloaded with men on apps. It is a pleasant shock. Some want hookups. Some want relationships. I think you need to know what you are looking for upfront. That helps a lot.

You will also be overwhelmed most likely by people wanting to meet you on apps. Apps have really made dating much easier.

I do not want to get married again or have more kids. I would date someone with kids but prefer a man who does not have kids and does not want any at this point in his life simply because it is easier for me. But I would be open to someone with kids as well.

I have been upfront that I want something with potential to be long-term, but I do not want more kids. I am unlikely to ever remarry. I am upfront about the limited amount of time I have as well because of my kids.

A big red flag for me is a man who did not have more time with his kids and was still supporting his ex-wife because she does not work. It would bother me personally even though I never plan to mix finances with a man ever again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't have any idea what the answers to this guy's questions are, but the first two responses are absurd. He's obviously going to have a lot of nights when he doesn't have his kids, so why should he spend those nights "focused" on them instead of socializing with another adult? wtf

He should have his kids 50% of the time. He is educated, has money and is not mentally unstable (that we know of).

If he is 100% 50% of the time he will need to work extra hard at work the next week to stay on top of things.

I double he has "tons of time"... he is working late, needs to work out, and when he has his kids be 100% engaged.

I puke when I find out some divorced dad hires a nanny because he can’t make a lunch box or be home by 6pm or work pops up in the weekend. Wtf did he have kids with such a unkind friendly job? Get the money and get out, especially if your kids are under age 12. You bust your marriage up and avoid kid responsibilities for the years everyone needs you most, then go play around? Pffft.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Wife works but her job isn't as demanding as mine. She could get a job that paid a lot more and we could have 50/50 custody and I could keep more of my money, but I don't think that's optimal for everyone, and not just because someone has to be home with the kids during Covid. I don't think that suddenly having their dad move out and also suddenly having their mom putting in long hours at the office is good for the kids. They'd have less parental time right when they probably need more of it, and their mom will be more stressed out. Insisting on 50/50 with wife pulling her full weight financially just sounds like a deal where I get money to play in exchange for the kids getting more babysitters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Another thing -- I feel terrible spending money on a nice place or luxuries for myself. Yeah, I make a lot. But the spending has to come from somewhere ... retirement savings, college savings, or rainy day savings (I wasn't planning to be at BigLaw for a whole lot longer). After the big mortgage for the house and criminally high private school tuition (both of which we're keeping at least for now to maintain some continuity for the kids), it's not like I'm still rolling in dough.

OP, it would be wildly unfair for you to decide you want a cushier job so you're going to once again upend your kids' stability after the divorce by forcing them to move out of their home and change schools. Just keep your biglaw job to try to maintain the home and schools for your kids. You owe them that.

Agree. Sorry, but you need to keep your income up. You don’t get to decide you would rather have a cushier government job right now as you have two households to support. I noticed you did not answer the question about whether or not you are an equity partner, though. Maybe you are getting pushed out?

Cushy? So you were a workaholic while your kids were 0-12 or whatever, get divorced, THEN you downshift??

Hope your tried marriage counseling before you pulled that one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Another thing -- I feel terrible spending money on a nice place or luxuries for myself. Yeah, I make a lot. But the spending has to come from somewhere ... retirement savings, college savings, or rainy day savings (I wasn't planning to be at BigLaw for a whole lot longer). After the big mortgage for the house and criminally high private school tuition (both of which we're keeping at least for now to maintain some continuity for the kids), it's not like I'm still rolling in dough.

OP, it would be wildly unfair for you to decide you want a cushier job so you're going to once again upend your kids' stability after the divorce by forcing them to move out of their home and change schools. Just keep your biglaw job to try to maintain the home and schools for your kids. You owe them that.

Agree. Sorry, but you need to keep your income up. You don’t get to decide you would rather have a cushier government job right now as you have two households to support. I noticed you did not answer the question about whether or not you are an equity partner, though. Maybe you are getting pushed out?

No. His kids don't have a right to live in any particular house or to attend private schools. Dad makes the money, dad will decide how it is spent and what the kids will do.

He doesn't "need" a high income. His kids will do just fine if he moves to a government job.

Yes, he does need to keep earning to keep his kids in the same home and schools. It's about maintaining the stability and friendships, not the luxury. And both parents should make decisions, not just OP.

It’s called maintaining the children’s same quality of living as when married.

Tank your income after a divorce? Good luck attempting to explain that to anyone with a brain and values.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP, I am a 45 year old big law partner, also divorced supporting a SAHM with 2 middle school age kids. Exact same situation, make very good money, obviously not as much to go around as before but dropping a few thousand on a fancy weekend away for a woman I am interest in is meaningless money.

These responses are complete nonsense and likely written by bitter first wives who want to see you lonely and punished. Ignore them.

You will have absolutely zero problems finding dates. Actually, it will be exhausting doing on line dating because you will have so many women match with you. Many of them will be much younger. I agree with one PP, you need to be fair to them that you are not looking for a second wife and kids because many women in their 30s are. Even if they tell you they aren't sure.

Yes, wear a condom. Of course.

Tinder is fine for hookups. Bumble is good too. Again, you will be surprised at how many younger, attractive women you will match with. If you are like some of my divorced friends, you may go through a promiscuous phase because it's so abundant, like far easier than when you were younger. But you will ultimately see that easy sex with random women creates more headache than it's worth. I can give you some funny and not so funny stories.

Single mom's are my preferred partners. They understand that when I have the kids, I am not available and I respect that they have the same situation.

Good luck, it's a crazy world out there but lots of great women looking for real connections.

On what planet do 2 middle aged school kids need a SAHM? And you are a lawyer? Really?!?

PP you are replying to. Is it that rare for middle school kids to have a SAHM? Many of my law partners wives don't work outside the home or work part time. My ex didn't need to work and since divorce it's helpful to have her full time with kids. She will go back to work at some point but with kids e-learning she has time to take it on. We are still United on kids, money isn't an issue for us.

Really, truly I am a lawyer and biglaw equity partner. Didn't think they were they rate round these parts.

They are divorced. Being SAHM is a luxury that would not generally be bestowed upon any EX wife.

They are not divorced yet. It seems reasonable to SAHM at least until school resumes. Otherwise you have to hire someone, it's not a good deal considering the additional exposure.

why would she still be supported as a SAHM if she’s not doing all the non-parenting SAHM job duties on his behalf (like his laundry, cooking and cleaning, regular sex). Sounds like she’s a part time SAHM who should be at least partly supporting herself.

[Anonymous]

They aren’t divorced yet - seems like a good time to consider public service

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents divorced when I was in middle school, with my mom getting primary custody. It was awful, and 30 years later, it still affects me. But I don't think the custody arrangement was what made it awful. I think what made it awful was that my mom went out of her way to make it hard for my dad to get his mandatory time with the kids, rarely let him have bonus time, and constantly told us what a horrible person he was. Before the divorce, I was closer to my dad and basically had a good relationship with him, but the divorce destroyed that and it took about another 15-20 years to get back something remotely decent with him. And today, you know what I think? I think it was my mom who was a horrible person. So, I my advice for OP on the custody arrangement is not to get hung up on the percentages, but rather to focus on getting along with your ex (or biting your tongue if that's the most you can do) and staying really engaged with the kids.

What’s your take on the spoiling Disney Dad time versus Parenting/Teaching/Developing/Listening to the kids time?

Actions speak louder than words here, obv.

[Anonymous]

I don't think OP said he was going to tank his income and make his kids bear the burden of that. I think he was saying he was planning to try to live frugally so that if he did leave BigLaw, he would *not* cause a big financial disruption in his kids' lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Wife works but her job isn't as demanding as mine. She could get a job that paid a lot more and we could have 50/50 custody and I could keep more of my money, but I don't think that's optimal for everyone, and not just because someone has to be home with the kids during Covid. I don't think that suddenly having their dad move out and also suddenly having their mom putting in long hours at the office is good for the kids. They'd have less parental time right when they probably need more of it, and their mom will be more stressed out. Insisting on 50/50 with wife pulling her full weight financially just sounds like a deal where I get money to play in exchange for the kids getting more babysitters.

OP, this is the only right thing you're saying on this thread. definitely keep doing everything you can to help the kids get the most parental time possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Wife works but her job isn't as demanding as mine. She could get a job that paid a lot more and we could have 50/50 custody and I could keep more of my money, but I don't think that's optimal for everyone, and not just because someone has to be home with the kids during Covid. I don't think that suddenly having their dad move out and also suddenly having their mom putting in long hours at the office is good for the kids. They'd have less parental time right when they probably need more of it, and their mom will be more stressed out. Insisting on 50/50 with wife pulling her full weight financially just sounds like a deal where I get money to play in exchange for the kids getting more babysitters.

OP, you are a good man. Way too many ex husbands fight for 50/50 just so they could pay less alimony or child support to their ex wife, without thinking about the kids’ well-being. I am sure you will find a new love.

[Anonymous]

Woman here. The huge factor here is that PP makes very good money. Divorced men making up to 150k or so reading this will not have the same experience. It is pretty rare to encounter a big law firm partner in his forties on dating apps.


Nope. I am the PP who said he does not make as much as the BigLaw partner. In fact I make about $160k. And what the BigLaw partner said is exactly my experience: zero problem finding dates, lots of women matching with me, including much younger ones. It's a lot of work managing all the conversations. I could easily have a date every night if I wanted to. Like him I prefer the single moms because they understand I'm not available when I have the kids.


Well I am a woman and I can tell you I could also easily find a date for every night if I was still online. (I’m dating someone now but have done a lot of online dating). It’s not all one sided.

Nobody said it was all one-sided. Everyone knows it is dead easy for women to get dates online. I was responding to the specific claim that non-rich divorced dads aren’t going to get the same kind of attention that the rich ones do.

Since I posted that, I lined up a date for Friday night in addition to existing plans for Saturday and Sunday dates.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Wife works but her job isn't as demanding as mine. She could get a job that paid a lot more and we could have 50/50 custody and I could keep more of my money, but I don't think that's optimal for everyone, and not just because someone has to be home with the kids during Covid. I don't think that suddenly having their dad move out and also suddenly having their mom putting in long hours at the office is good for the kids. They'd have less parental time right when they probably need more of it, and their mom will be more stressed out. Insisting on 50/50 with wife pulling her full weight financially just sounds like a deal where I get money to play in exchange for the kids getting more babysitters.

OP, you are a good man. Way too many ex husbands fight for 50/50 just so they could pay less alimony or child support to their ex wife, without thinking about the kids’ well-being. I am sure you will find a new love.

What? The children’s well-being is best served by 50/50.

Did you have a brain tumor for breakfast?

[Anonymous]

It’s called maintaining the children’s same quality of living as when married.

Your kids don’t have a right to go to private school or live in a big house when their parents are married, so it is preposterous to assert they have such a right or guarantee after a divorce.

Their “quality of living” will not suffer if they go to public school FFS.