Dating advice for divorced dad

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For dating younger (I'm talking 40s with a mid-20s woman) unless it's a straight SD type situation (even if in practice and not in name) you do have to be attractive and keep in shape because she will want to show you off to her friends and you can't be a dud.

Once I realised I don't want to remarry until my daughter is older, I started dating a young grad student and it's worked great.

If you’re going to date younger you have to be willing to spend some money though. This guy says he has a hard time spending on himself because he needs to fund retirement/private school/savings/etc. I wonder if he really is living super frugally or just frugally for a single big law partner. Any young woman dating a guy who makes that kind of money is going to expect nice vacations and expensive gifts. If she wanted to watch Netflix and chill, she’d be dating a hot guy her own age...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For dating younger (I'm talking 40s with a mid-20s woman) unless it's a straight SD type situation (even if in practice and not in name) you do have to be attractive and keep in shape because she will want to show you off to her friends and you can't be a dud.

Once I realised I don't want to remarry until my daughter is older, I started dating a young grad student and it's worked great.

If you’re going to date younger you have to be willing to spend some money though. This guy says he has a hard time spending on himself because he needs to fund retirement/private school/savings/etc. I wonder if he really is living super frugally or just frugally for a single big law partner. Any young woman dating a guy who makes that kind of money is going to expect nice vacations and expensive gifts. If she wanted to watch Netflix and chill, she’d be dating a hot guy her own age...

For me it's been no different from dating a woman my own age. Nice meals are just expected. I'd love to take her on a vacation but COVID has made that not a possibility. Gifts have never come up; maybe at the holidays but again that would be no different if dating a woman my age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Another thing -- I feel terrible spending money on a nice place or luxuries for myself. Yeah, I make a lot. But the spending has to come from somewhere ... retirement savings, college savings, or rainy day savings (I wasn't planning to be at BigLaw for a whole lot longer). After the big mortgage for the house and criminally high private school tuition (both of which we're keeping at least for now to maintain some continuity for the kids), it's not like I'm still rolling in dough.

OP, it would be wildly unfair for you to decide you want a cushier job so you're going to once again upend your kids' stability after the divorce by forcing them to move out of their home and change schools. Just keep your biglaw job to try to maintain the home and schools for your kids. You owe them that.

Agree. Sorry, but you need to keep your income up. You don’t get to decide you would rather have a cushier government job right now as you have two households to support. I noticed you did not answer the question about whether or not you are an equity partner, though. Maybe you are getting pushed out?

No. His kids don't have a right to live in any particular house or to attend private schools. Dad makes the money, dad will decide how it is spent and what the kids will do.

He doesn't "need" a high income. His kids will do just fine if he moves to a government job.

Yes, he does need to keep earning to keep his kids in the same home and schools. It's about maintaining the stability and friendships, not the luxury. And both parents should make decisions, not just OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP, I am a 45 year old big law partner, also divorced supporting a SAHM with 2 middle school age kids. Exact same situation, make very good money, obviously not as much to go around as before but dropping a few thousand on a fancy weekend away for a woman I am interest in is meaningless money.

These responses are complete nonsense and likely written by bitter first wives who want to see you lonely and punished. Ignore them.

You will have absolutely zero problems finding dates. Actually, it will be exhausting doing on line dating because you will have so many women match with you. Many of them will be much younger. I agree with one PP, you need to be fair to them that you are not looking for a second wife and kids because many women in their 30s are. Even if they tell you they aren't sure.

Yes, wear a condom. Of course.

Tinder is fine for hookups. Bumble is good too. Again, you will be surprised at how many younger, attractive women you will match with. If you are like some of my divorced friends, you may go through a promiscuous phase because it's so abundant, like far easier than when you were younger. But you will ultimately see that easy sex with random women creates more headache than it's worth. I can give you some funny and not so funny stories.

Single mom's are my preferred partners. They understand that when I have the kids, I am not available and I respect that they have the same situation.

Good luck, it's a crazy world out there but lots of great women looking for real connections.

On what planet do 2 middle aged school kids need a SAHM? And you are a lawyer? Really?!?

[Anonymous]

Dude, my best advice is: Don’t ask for advice here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP, I am a 45 year old big law partner, also divorced supporting a SAHM with 2 middle school age kids. Exact same situation, make very good money, obviously not as much to go around as before but dropping a few thousand on a fancy weekend away for a woman I am interest in is meaningless money.

These responses are complete nonsense and likely written by bitter first wives who want to see you lonely and punished. Ignore them.

You will have absolutely zero problems finding dates. Actually, it will be exhausting doing on line dating because you will have so many women match with you. Many of them will be much younger. I agree with one PP, you need to be fair to them that you are not looking for a second wife and kids because many women in their 30s are. Even if they tell you they aren't sure.

Yes, wear a condom. Of course.

Tinder is fine for hookups. Bumble is good too. Again, you will be surprised at how many younger, attractive women you will match with. If you are like some of my divorced friends, you may go through a promiscuous phase because it's so abundant, like far easier than when you were younger. But you will ultimately see that easy sex with random women creates more headache than it's worth. I can give you some funny and not so funny stories.

Single mom's are my preferred partners. They understand that when I have the kids, I am not available and I respect that they have the same situation.

Good luck, it's a crazy world out there but lots of great women looking for real connections.

On what planet do 2 middle aged school kids need a SAHM? And you are a lawyer? Really?!?

PP you are replying to. Is it that rare for middle school kids to have a SAHM? Many of my law partners wives don't work outside the home or work part time. My ex didn't need to work and since divorce it's helpful to have her full time with kids. She will go back to work at some point but with kids e-learning she has time to take it on. We are still United on kids, money isn't an issue for us.

Really, truly I am a lawyer and biglaw equity partner. Didn't think they were they rate round these parts.

[Anonymous]

Yes, he does need to keep earning to keep his kids in the same home and schools. It's about maintaining the stability and friendships, not the luxury. And both parents should make decisions, not just OP.

No. People move all the time for many different reasons. Kids are not guaranteed the same home and schools for 13 years, and I bet most kids, divorced parents or not, don’t get that. The parent decides, the kids have to adjust.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Yes, he does need to keep earning to keep his kids in the same home and schools. It's about maintaining the stability and friendships, not the luxury. And both parents should make decisions, not just OP.

No. People move all the time for many different reasons. Kids are not guaranteed the same home and schools for 13 years, and I bet most kids, divorced parents or not, don’t get that. The parent decides, the kids have to adjust.

Also, the OPs XW lost the right to any input in his career decisions when she divorced him.

[Anonymous]

k wont read thru all of this, just responding to the first few posts. i'm 40, have two kids, am a professional, and this sounds great to me. my life is very busy, better to be with someone who has kids and a job, and knows how priorities work. and i want a fun time with ppl i date, and it's a luxury not to have to discuss childcare or other logistics with a person i'd date. the whole idea is that i want fun, companionship, affection, sex, consistency. so maybe an answer to your q is someone like me if you are willing to deal with the same baggage you have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP, I am a 45 year old big law partner, also divorced supporting a SAHM with 2 middle school age kids. Exact same situation, make very good money, obviously not as much to go around as before but dropping a few thousand on a fancy weekend away for a woman I am interest in is meaningless money.

These responses are complete nonsense and likely written by bitter first wives who want to see you lonely and punished. Ignore them.

You will have absolutely zero problems finding dates. Actually, it will be exhausting doing on line dating because you will have so many women match with you. Many of them will be much younger. I agree with one PP, you need to be fair to them that you are not looking for a second wife and kids because many women in their 30s are. Even if they tell you they aren't sure.

Yes, wear a condom. Of course.

Tinder is fine for hookups. Bumble is good too. Again, you will be surprised at how many younger, attractive women you will match with. If you are like some of my divorced friends, you may go through a promiscuous phase because it's so abundant, like far easier than when you were younger. But you will ultimately see that easy sex with random women creates more headache than it's worth. I can give you some funny and not so funny stories.

Single mom's are my preferred partners. They understand that when I have the kids, I am not available and I respect that they have the same situation.

Good luck, it's a crazy world out there but lots of great women looking for real connections.

On what planet do 2 middle aged school kids need a SAHM? And you are a lawyer? Really?!?

PP you are replying to. Is it that rare for middle school kids to have a SAHM? Many of my law partners wives don't work outside the home or work part time. My ex didn't need to work and since divorce it's helpful to have her full time with kids. She will go back to work at some point but with kids e-learning she has time to take it on. We are still United on kids, money isn't an issue for us.

Really, truly I am a lawyer and biglaw equity partner. Didn't think they were they rate round these parts.

They are divorced. Being SAHM is a luxury that would not generally be bestowed upon any EX wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP, I am a 45 year old big law partner, also divorced supporting a SAHM with 2 middle school age kids. Exact same situation, make very good money, obviously not as much to go around as before but dropping a few thousand on a fancy weekend away for a woman I am interest in is meaningless money.

These responses are complete nonsense and likely written by bitter first wives who want to see you lonely and punished. Ignore them.

You will have absolutely zero problems finding dates. Actually, it will be exhausting doing on line dating because you will have so many women match with you. Many of them will be much younger. I agree with one PP, you need to be fair to them that you are not looking for a second wife and kids because many women in their 30s are. Even if they tell you they aren't sure.

Yes, wear a condom. Of course.

Tinder is fine for hookups. Bumble is good too. Again, you will be surprised at how many younger, attractive women you will match with. If you are like some of my divorced friends, you may go through a promiscuous phase because it's so abundant, like far easier than when you were younger. But you will ultimately see that easy sex with random women creates more headache than it's worth. I can give you some funny and not so funny stories.

Single mom's are my preferred partners. They understand that when I have the kids, I am not available and I respect that they have the same situation.

Good luck, it's a crazy world out there but lots of great women looking for real connections.

On what planet do 2 middle aged school kids need a SAHM? And you are a lawyer? Really?!?

PP you are replying to. Is it that rare for middle school kids to have a SAHM? Many of my law partners wives don't work outside the home or work part time. My ex didn't need to work and since divorce it's helpful to have her full time with kids. She will go back to work at some point but with kids e-learning she has time to take it on. We are still United on kids, money isn't an issue for us.

Really, truly I am a lawyer and biglaw equity partner. Didn't think they were they rate round these parts.

They are divorced. Being SAHM is a luxury that would not generally be bestowed upon any EX wife.

They are not divorced yet. It seems reasonable to SAHM at least until school resumes. Otherwise you have to hire someone, it's not a good deal considering the additional exposure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP, I am a 45 year old big law partner, also divorced supporting a SAHM with 2 middle school age kids. Exact same situation, make very good money, obviously not as much to go around as before but dropping a few thousand on a fancy weekend away for a woman I am interest in is meaningless money.

These responses are complete nonsense and likely written by bitter first wives who want to see you lonely and punished. Ignore them.

You will have absolutely zero problems finding dates. Actually, it will be exhausting doing on line dating because you will have so many women match with you. Many of them will be much younger. I agree with one PP, you need to be fair to them that you are not looking for a second wife and kids because many women in their 30s are. Even if they tell you they aren't sure.

Yes, wear a condom. Of course.

Tinder is fine for hookups. Bumble is good too. Again, you will be surprised at how many younger, attractive women you will match with. If you are like some of my divorced friends, you may go through a promiscuous phase because it's so abundant, like far easier than when you were younger. But you will ultimately see that easy sex with random women creates more headache than it's worth. I can give you some funny and not so funny stories.

Single mom's are my preferred partners. They understand that when I have the kids, I am not available and I respect that they have the same situation.

Good luck, it's a crazy world out there but lots of great women looking for real connections.

On what planet do 2 middle aged school kids need a SAHM? And you are a lawyer? Really?!?

PP you are replying to. Is it that rare for middle school kids to have a SAHM? Many of my law partners wives don't work outside the home or work part time. My ex didn't need to work and since divorce it's helpful to have her full time with kids. She will go back to work at some point but with kids e-learning she has time to take it on. We are still United on kids, money isn't an issue for us.

Really, truly I am a lawyer and biglaw equity partner. Didn't think they were they rate round these parts.

They are divorced. Being SAHM is a luxury that would not generally be bestowed upon any EX wife.

Nope. Time to start earning!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dude, my best advice is: Don’t ask for advice here.

True this.

[Anonymous]

My parents divorced when I was in middle school, with my mom getting primary custody. It was awful, and 30 years later, it still affects me. But I don't think the custody arrangement was what made it awful. I think what made it awful was that my mom went out of her way to make it hard for my dad to get his mandatory time with the kids, rarely let him have bonus time, and constantly told us what a horrible person he was. Before the divorce, I was closer to my dad and basically had a good relationship with him, but the divorce destroyed that and it took about another 15-20 years to get back something remotely decent with him. And today, you know what I think? I think it was my mom who was a horrible person. So, I my advice for OP on the custody arrangement is not to get hung up on the percentages, but rather to focus on getting along with your ex (or biting your tongue if that's the most you can do) and staying really engaged with the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP, I am a 45 year old big law partner, also divorced supporting a SAHM with 2 middle school age kids. Exact same situation, make very good money, obviously not as much to go around as before but dropping a few thousand on a fancy weekend away for a woman I am interest in is meaningless money.

These responses are complete nonsense and likely written by bitter first wives who want to see you lonely and punished. Ignore them.

You will have absolutely zero problems finding dates. Actually, it will be exhausting doing on line dating because you will have so many women match with you. Many of them will be much younger. I agree with one PP, you need to be fair to them that you are not looking for a second wife and kids because many women in their 30s are. Even if they tell you they aren't sure.

Yes, wear a condom. Of course.

Tinder is fine for hookups. Bumble is good too. Again, you will be surprised at how many younger, attractive women you will match with. If you are like some of my divorced friends, you may go through a promiscuous phase because it's so abundant, like far easier than when you were younger. But you will ultimately see that easy sex with random women creates more headache than it's worth. I can give you some funny and not so funny stories.

Single mom's are my preferred partners. They understand that when I have the kids, I am not available and I respect that they have the same situation.

Good luck, it's a crazy world out there but lots of great women looking for real connections.

Woman here. The huge factor here is that PP makes very good money. Divorced men making up to 150k or so reading this will not have the same experience. It is pretty rare to encounter a big law firm partner in his forties on dating apps.

Nope. I am the PP who said he does not make as much as the BigLaw partner. In fact I make about $160k. And what the BigLaw partner said is exactly my experience: zero problem finding dates, lots of women matching with me, including much younger ones. It's a lot of work managing all the conversations. I could easily have a date every night if I wanted to. Like him I prefer the single moms because they understand I'm not available when I have the kids.

Well I am a woman and I can tell you I could also easily find a date for every night if I was still online. (I’m dating someone now but have done a lot of online dating). It’s not all one sided.