Dating advice for divorced dad

[Anonymous]

It's not about a right to go to private school or live in a big house. It's about minimizing the disruption. Having parents split is traumatic enough. Having to also move and change schools (which can seriously affect social groups) on top of that is a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

It’s called maintaining the children’s same quality of living as when married.

Your kids don’t have a right to go to private school or live in a big house when their parents are married, so it is preposterous to assert they have such a right or guarantee after a divorce.

Their “quality of living” will not suffer if they go to public school FFS.

Actually, going to public school if the child was in private whole time DOES affect quality of living a lot. This is why the courts often rule for kids remain in private school if parents have ability to pay.If the child was in public school prior to divorce, and then out of a sudden ex-wife wants him in private, then it would be a no-go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not about a right to go to private school or live in a big house. It's about minimizing the disruption. Having parents split is traumatic enough. Having to also move and change schools (which can seriously affect social groups) on top of that is a lot.

Parents move all the time, even when they’re not divorced. The parent’s career decision is decisive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

It’s called maintaining the children’s same quality of living as when married.

Your kids don’t have a right to go to private school or live in a big house when their parents are married, so it is preposterous to assert they have such a right or guarantee after a divorce.

Their “quality of living” will not suffer if they go to public school FFS.

Actually, going to public school if the child was in private whole time DOES affect quality of living a lot. This is why the courts often rule for kids remain in private school if parents have ability to pay.If the child was in public school prior to divorce, and then out of a sudden ex-wife wants him in private, then it would be a no-go.

Unless private school was specifically listed in the separation agreement, good luck getting the court to make him pay. And I can’t believe he’d be dumb enough to agree to that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You make a crap load of money and have very little time off. Focus on your kids instead of your sex life. I wouldn't want a man like you who does have much interest in their kids.

This. Learn why you are divorced. If you have extra time, get some individual therapy.

Here are your priorities

Kids
Kids
Yourself
Job
somebody else

Get the 1st 4 under control before you add "somebody else".

Op, thease people are nuts.

Look, you are human. You want comfort, you want comapany.

Your children can be your priority. But you can still find time to date. Just be honest with your intentions (no more kids if that is what you want). You can find a career minded woman who is looking for same.

I wouldn't date anyone in their 30s who does not already have children either (unless it was someone I knew definitely did not want kids); "mistake" pregnancies do happen, especially when you have the means.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not about a right to go to private school or live in a big house. It's about minimizing the disruption. Having parents split is traumatic enough. Having to also move and change schools (which can seriously affect social groups) on top of that is a lot.

Parents move all the time, even when they’re not divorced. The parent’s career decision is decisive.

And many don’t move so kids Education and support system are not Disrupted even when offered a better job elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You make a crap load of money and have very little time off. Focus on your kids instead of your sex life. I wouldn't want a man like you who does have much interest in their kids.

This. Learn why you are divorced. If you have extra time, get some individual therapy.

Here are your priorities

Kids
Kids
Yourself
Job
somebody else

Get the 1st 4 under control before you add "somebody else".

Op, thease people are nuts.

Look, you are human. You want comfort, you want comapany.

Your children can be your priority. But you can still find time to date. Just be honest with your intentions (no more kids if that is what you want). You can find a career minded woman who is looking for same.

I wouldn't date anyone in their 30s who does not already have children either (unless it was someone I knew definitely did not want kids); "mistake" pregnancies do happen, especially when you have the means.

Somebody else is on the list.

But tons of parents put their kids below their sexual needs, it’s not right and your insane if you think it is. Sorry I can’t see you 50/50 I need to date. wTF!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

It’s called maintaining the children’s same quality of living as when married.

Your kids don’t have a right to go to private school or live in a big house when their parents are married, so it is preposterous to assert they have such a right or guarantee after a divorce.

Their “quality of living” will not suffer if they go to public school FFS.

Actually, going to public school if the child was in private whole time DOES affect quality of living a lot. This is why the courts often rule for kids remain in private school if parents have ability to pay.If the child was in public school prior to divorce, and then out of a sudden ex-wife wants him in private, then it would be a no-go.

Unless private school was specifically listed in the separation agreement, good luck getting the court to make him pay. And I can’t believe he’d be dumb enough to agree to that.

Most parents don’t all of a sudden want their kids to stop private school simply because they divorce. It’s not like their educational values change because of divorce.

[Anonymous]

Most parents don’t all of a sudden want their kids to stop private school simply because they divorce. It’s not like their educational values change because of divorce.

Divorce is an extremely common reason kids get pulled out of private school. Parents can’t afford it any more.

In any event, parents are entitled at any time to decide that the “value” of a private education is no longer commensurate with the cost.

[Anonymous]

No I get you OP. Have sex with women but- Do not commit. That means- do not get them pregnant and don’t show them to your kids yet.
You are not ready for another relationship. Women will be after you for your money. No it’s not your fit body (sorry).. Your main focus should be on your kids.
Date and date and date and then after a while you may be able to find another “relationship”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't have any idea what the answers to this guy's questions are, but the first two responses are absurd. He's obviously going to have a lot of nights when he doesn't have his kids, so why should he spend those nights "focused" on them instead of socializing with another adult? wtf

He should have his kids 50% of the time. He is educated, has money and is not mentally unstable (that we know of).

If he is 100% 50% of the time he will need to work extra hard at work the next week to stay on top of things.

I double he has "tons of time"... he is working late, needs to work out, and when he has his kids be 100% engaged.

I puke when I find out some divorced dad hires a nanny because he can’t make a lunch box or be home by 6pm or work pops up in the weekend. Wtf did he have kids with such a unkind friendly job? Get the money and get out, especially if your kids are under age 12. You bust your marriage up and avoid kid responsibilities for the years everyone needs you most, then go play around? Pffft.

So, its ok mom does and not dad? Lots of parent hire nannies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Another thing -- I feel terrible spending money on a nice place or luxuries for myself. Yeah, I make a lot. But the spending has to come from somewhere ... retirement savings, college savings, or rainy day savings (I wasn't planning to be at BigLaw for a whole lot longer). After the big mortgage for the house and criminally high private school tuition (both of which we're keeping at least for now to maintain some continuity for the kids), it's not like I'm still rolling in dough.

OP, it would be wildly unfair for you to decide you want a cushier job so you're going to once again upend your kids' stability after the divorce by forcing them to move out of their home and change schools. Just keep your biglaw job to try to maintain the home and schools for your kids. You owe them that.

Agree. Sorry, but you need to keep your income up. You don’t get to decide you would rather have a cushier government job right now as you have two households to support. I noticed you did not answer the question about whether or not you are an equity partner, though. Maybe you are getting pushed out?

No. His kids don't have a right to live in any particular house or to attend private schools. Dad makes the money, dad will decide how it is spent and what the kids will do.

He doesn't "need" a high income. His kids will do just fine if he moves to a government job.

Yes, he does need to keep earning to keep his kids in the same home and schools. It's about maintaining the stability and friendships, not the luxury. And both parents should make decisions, not just OP.

He doesn't need but once child support and alimony are established its hard to change incomes as he'd still be liable for the same expenses. He actually needs to earn more to support two households vs. one and maintain the same lifestyle for both parents and kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all the helpful, sympathetic advice. I'll definitely be up front about my long-term plans (no more kids, wait and see about marriage). I may have been out of the dating game for a long time, but I still know about safe sex. I guess I should clarify something: I adore my kids and will spend as much time with them as I can, and I have always been and will still be very involved in the parenting. But they have a mom, and so there will be plenty of nights when I can't see them. And they're mainly going to be living with their mom for some pragmatic reasons. That's the initial arrangement. We can revise it. This is all by consent. Like I said, relatively amicable. There's a lot of sadness but not much anger - we've already worked through that.

Woman here and child of divorced parents. Not having your kids 50/50 is fine and maybe better for them. It is dispruptive to have to switch households for a week, every other week. If they have a good relationship with Mom and she isn't crazy, having them primarily reside with her is fine, as long as you stay involved. Don't let people here make you feel guilty about that.

Stay away from childless women in their 20s or 30s for long term relationships. They have no idea about being a step mother and being put second to your children. Plus even if they say they don't want kids there is a high likelihood they will change their mind once they hook you in and/or get married to you.

I would stick with divorced single mothers in their 30s or women in their 40s, kids or no kids doesn't matter once past early 40s.

Good luck and focus on your kids for now as they are feeling the instability. Don't partner up with someone they don't mesh well with either. It will very much hurt your relationship with them permenately.

My husband's kids are pretty messed up, each in their own way. The divorce and being kept from Dad clearly had an impact.

[Anonymous]

Do alimony and child support orders ever say something like: husband shall pay $XX plus y% of any income above $zz amount. Like, he pays $100,000/yr no matter what, and he pays 50% of anything he earns over $300,000?

[Anonymous]

Op, I am a recently divorced 37 year old with 70% custody of my elementary aged kids. ExDH has a demanding, high-paying job and like you, defaulted to giving me more money and custody to keep the kids’ lives as close to what they are accustomed to as possible. At least for now. And what they are accustomed to is me working part-time from home and Dad working long hours and weekends. None of that has changed. If I had more time to myself, I would totally date you. Unfortunately that is where I have been screwed over. I love my kids to death but I barely have time for me, let alone someone else... and before anyone jumps down my throat, my exDH doesn’t want our kids anymore than every other weekend and one overnight a week.