If Affair was in the past, do you disclose?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had an affair that lasted a little over 2 years, and it ended what will be 3 years this coming October. We only saw each other about once a month or so, and it had faded quite a bit towards the end. Married 16 years, 2 kids. Spouse doesn't know. We discussed going to therapy for an issue spouse has, and I question whether I should disclose this, but most of the advice I read says no, to take it to the grave.

I know the consensus on here is a spouse has a right to know, but is that still true if the affair is over?

No one ever mentions the impact on the kids. You have 2 of them. How would it affect your relationship with them if they knew that you’re a lying cheater who stepped out on the marriage?

Your affair doesn’t just involve you and your spouse. It impacts the families of both partners.

Your spouse deserves to know the truth but that will hurt a lot of people. It seems like you should have thought about that before you cheated.

So true. My spouse took responsibility for pain of other family. His AP was a c@nt tat took zero blame and used the “it would just be somebody else. I was in a bad place” tactic. Zero responsibility for hurting other kids/wife. C@nt. My spouse’s reaction was sincere apology to other spouse.

That's pretty ridiculous. He owed nothing to anyone other than you, and the AP owes nothing to anyone other than her husband. You just can't accept that he did it, and want to blame someone else. Keep blaming him- he is the one who MARRIED YOU.

DP. Disagree. Married cheaters know there is another family and another spouse, children. It is a 50-50 deal. Infidelity specialists advocate the betrayed spouse contact the other betrayed spouse in these situations.

Morally it is a stain on both cheaters. Knowingly, hurting innocent people for cheap sex. The betrayed spouse deserves to know if unprotected sex was an issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had an affair that lasted a little over 2 years, and it ended what will be 3 years this coming October. We only saw each other about once a month or so, and it had faded quite a bit towards the end. Married 16 years, 2 kids. Spouse doesn't know. We discussed going to therapy for an issue spouse has, and I question whether I should disclose this, but most of the advice I read says no, to take it to the grave.

I know the consensus on here is a spouse has a right to know, but is that still true if the affair is over?

No one ever mentions the impact on the kids. You have 2 of them. How would it affect your relationship with them if they knew that you’re a lying cheater who stepped out on the marriage?

Your affair doesn’t just involve you and your spouse. It impacts the families of both partners.

Your spouse deserves to know the truth but that will hurt a lot of people. It seems like you should have thought about that before you cheated.

So true. My spouse took responsibility for pain of other family. His AP was a c@nt tat took zero blame and used the “it would just be somebody else. I was in a bad place” tactic. Zero responsibility for hurting other kids/wife. C@nt. My spouse’s reaction was sincere apology to other spouse.

That's pretty ridiculous. He owed nothing to anyone other than you, and the AP owes nothing to anyone other than her husband. You just can't accept that he did it, and want to blame someone else. Keep blaming him- he is the one who MARRIED YOU.

This!

The AP owes you no loyalty or explanation.
Additionally, you aren't entitled to the play by play synopsis of what she told her husband and kids, because that has NOTHING to do with you.

Your husband is the only one who owed you loyalty, your husband's is the only explanation that you're entitled to.

You sound like you're making excuses for your husband so you can stay in the marriage, because blaming someone else takes the attention off of him.

You continually blame the "c@nt" AP, but I got news for you, lady... your husband is just as much of a c@nt as the AP is, and definitely more so.

Onto your next AM partner, KR! Keep telling yourself you are doing nothing wrong. Are we at #4 yet? 50...an aging wore is an awful look.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had an affair that lasted a little over 2 years, and it ended what will be 3 years this coming October. We only saw each other about once a month or so, and it had faded quite a bit towards the end. Married 16 years, 2 kids. Spouse doesn't know. We discussed going to therapy for an issue spouse has, and I question whether I should disclose this, but most of the advice I read says no, to take it to the grave.

I know the consensus on here is a spouse has a right to know, but is that still true if the affair is over?

No one ever mentions the impact on the kids. You have 2 of them. How would it affect your relationship with them if they knew that you’re a lying cheater who stepped out on the marriage?

Your affair doesn’t just involve you and your spouse. It impacts the families of both partners.

Your spouse deserves to know the truth but that will hurt a lot of people. It seems like you should have thought about that before you cheated.

So true. My spouse took responsibility for pain of other family. His AP was a c@nt tat took zero blame and used the “it would just be somebody else. I was in a bad place” tactic. Zero responsibility for hurting other kids/wife. C@nt. My spouse’s reaction was sincere apology to other spouse.

That's pretty ridiculous. He owed nothing to anyone other than you, and the AP owes nothing to anyone other than her husband. You just can't accept that he did it, and want to blame someone else. Keep blaming him- he is the one who MARRIED YOU.

This!

The AP owes you no loyalty or explanation.
Additionally, you aren't entitled to the play by play synopsis of what she told her husband and kids, because that has NOTHING to do with you.

Your husband is the only one who owed you loyalty, your husband's is the only explanation that you're entitled to.

You sound like you're making excuses for your husband so you can stay in the marriage, because blaming someone else takes the attention off of him.

You continually blame the "c@nt" AP, but I got news for you, lady... your husband is just as much of a c@nt as the AP is, and definitely more so.

More so? 50-50, babe.

[Anonymous]

I suspect my DH has had an affair in the past. He was distant, lacked interest in sex, asked me when I would be traveling, ran out of the house some mornings (usually my plans changed and I came home to spend time with him), and cash withdrawals he wouldn't/couldn't account for. He gets angry if I ask questions about the cash withdrawals (the only concrete evidence I have) and shuts down the conversation. I wish he would tell me the truth, which would be a relief and would give me hope that my marriage could be saved. I suspect that some of the spouses have suspicions but maybe haven't been able to prove anything. For those who have cheated, are you sure your spouse doesn't have any idea?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had an affair that lasted a little over 2 years, and it ended what will be 3 years this coming October. We only saw each other about once a month or so, and it had faded quite a bit towards the end. Married 16 years, 2 kids. Spouse doesn't know. We discussed going to therapy for an issue spouse has, and I question whether I should disclose this, but most of the advice I read says no, to take it to the grave.

I know the consensus on here is a spouse has a right to know, but is that still true if the affair is over?

No one ever mentions the impact on the kids. You have 2 of them. How would it affect your relationship with them if they knew that you’re a lying cheater who stepped out on the marriage?

Your affair doesn’t just involve you and your spouse. It impacts the families of both partners.

Your spouse deserves to know the truth but that will hurt a lot of people. It seems like you should have thought about that before you cheated.

So true. My spouse took responsibility for pain of other family. His AP was a c@nt tat took zero blame and used the “it would just be somebody else. I was in a bad place” tactic. Zero responsibility for hurting other kids/wife. C@nt. My spouse’s reaction was sincere apology to other spouse.

That's pretty ridiculous. He owed nothing to anyone other than you, and the AP owes nothing to anyone other than her husband. You just can't accept that he did it, and want to blame someone else. Keep blaming him- he is the one who MARRIED YOU.

This!

The AP owes you no loyalty or explanation.
Additionally, you aren't entitled to the play by play synopsis of what she told her husband and kids, because that has NOTHING to do with you.

Your husband is the only one who owed you loyalty, your husband's is the only explanation that you're entitled to.

You sound like you're making excuses for your husband so you can stay in the marriage, because blaming someone else takes the attention off of him.

You continually blame the "c@nt" AP, but I got news for you, lady... your husband is just as much of a c@nt as the AP is, and definitely more so.

Onto your next AM partner, KR! Keep telling yourself you are doing nothing wrong. Are we at #4 yet? 50...an aging wore is an awful look.

Yeah, unstable and delusional is an even worse look.

Good god lady, your posts make absolutely no sense. You sound unhinged.

I don't know who you're commenting to, but the two PP's before you are correct, your anger should be with your DH and not some random AP.

*He* was the one who vowed to love you through the good times and bad, sickness and health.
*He* is the one who owed you his loyalty, as *he* is the one who made the commitment to you.
The AP owed you zilch, zero, nothing, nada and regardless of how weirdly defensive and immature your responses are to us, it doesn't change the fact that your husband alone should be the one being held accountable.

How don't you see that?

Focusing your anger on his AP is not going to help you heal.
By letting him off the hook so easily and not holding him to true accountability (contrary to what you believe, you're not making him accountable if you're blaming her) he may even cheat again. Why not??

But you go right ahead and blame the AP, whatever you gotta due to help you sleep at night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I suspect my DH has had an affair in the past. He was distant, lacked interest in sex, asked me when I would be traveling, ran out of the house some mornings (usually my plans changed and I came home to spend time with him), and cash withdrawals he wouldn't/couldn't account for. He gets angry if I ask questions about the cash withdrawals (the only concrete evidence I have) and shuts down the conversation. I wish he would tell me the truth, which would be a relief and would give me hope that my marriage could be saved. I suspect that some of the spouses have suspicions but maybe haven't been able to prove anything. For those who have cheated, are you sure your spouse doesn't have any idea?

He's gaslighting you because he's afraid of getting caught. He's projecting his anger onto you to take the owness off of him.

Either perform a deep dive of your finances, credit card statements, cell phone bills, etc, or hire a PI to do it.

It's amazing how much they can find and if you can get them access to his email and/or passwords, you'll know for sure one way or the other. They know what they're doing and how to spot a cheat.

[Anonymous]

I've thought about hiring a PI. Right now I am seeing a therapist which has been helpful. I finally gained access to the bank accounts, which is how I discovered he had been taking out 400-600/month for several years. After I got access to the accounts, he started taking cash from money reserved to pay for babysitters, etc. Any time I asked him about what the money was for, he shut the conversation down by yelling, calling me paranoid, unstable, etc. but he stopped the spending until several months ago when he spent several hundred dollars. He's given me five different explanations, none of which make sense. I know he's lying. I suspect he has/had an affair. I just can't prove it.

For all of you who are cheating, please don't lie if your spouse suspects something. I can understand why people cheat and it isn't a dealbreaker for me. What I can't understand is willingness to gaslight somebody you are suppose to care about. This is what will destroy my marriage. DH just doesn't seem to understand this and is following the playbook of deny, deny and deny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had an affair that lasted a little over 2 years, and it ended what will be 3 years this coming October. We only saw each other about once a month or so, and it had faded quite a bit towards the end. Married 16 years, 2 kids. Spouse doesn't know. We discussed going to therapy for an issue spouse has, and I question whether I should disclose this, but most of the advice I read says no, to take it to the grave.

I know the consensus on here is a spouse has a right to know, but is that still true if the affair is over?

No one ever mentions the impact on the kids. You have 2 of them. How would it affect your relationship with them if they knew that you’re a lying cheater who stepped out on the marriage?

Your affair doesn’t just involve you and your spouse. It impacts the families of both partners.

Your spouse deserves to know the truth but that will hurt a lot of people. It seems like you should have thought about that before you cheated.

So true. My spouse took responsibility for pain of other family. His AP was a c@nt tat took zero blame and used the “it would just be somebody else. I was in a bad place” tactic. Zero responsibility for hurting other kids/wife. C@nt. My spouse’s reaction was sincere apology to other spouse.

That's pretty ridiculous. He owed nothing to anyone other than you, and the AP owes nothing to anyone other than her husband. You just can't accept that he did it, and want to blame someone else. Keep blaming him- he is the one who MARRIED YOU.

This!

The AP owes you no loyalty or explanation.
Additionally, you aren't entitled to the play by play synopsis of what she told her husband and kids, because that has NOTHING to do with you.

Your husband is the only one who owed you loyalty, your husband's is the only explanation that you're entitled to.

You sound like you're making excuses for your husband so you can stay in the marriage, because blaming someone else takes the attention off of him.

You continually blame the "c@nt" AP, but I got news for you, lady... your husband is just as much of a c@nt as the AP is, and definitely more so.

Onto your next AM partner, KR! Keep telling yourself you are doing nothing wrong. Are we at #4 yet? 50...an aging wore is an awful look.

Yeah, unstable and delusional is an even worse look.

Good god lady, your posts make absolutely no sense. You sound unhinged.

I don't know who you're commenting to, but the two PP's before you are correct, your anger should be with your DH and not some random AP.

*He* was the one who vowed to love you through the good times and bad, sickness and health.
*He* is the one who owed you his loyalty, as *he* is the one who made the commitment to you.
The AP owed you zilch, zero, nothing, nada and regardless of how weirdly defensive and immature your responses are to us, it doesn't change the fact that your husband alone should be the one being held accountable.

How don't you see that?

Focusing your anger on his AP is not going to help you heal.
By letting him off the hook so easily and not holding him to true accountability (contrary to what you believe, you're not making him accountable if you're blaming her) he may even cheat again. Why not??

But you go right ahead and blame the AP, whatever you gotta due to help you sleep at night.

Wow. You sure are angry. Nobody said he wasn’t being held accountable. Both married partners are responsible. I don’t give a sh@t what yours does, but he will be told so he can make an informed decision. I can see that gets you irate. But, believe me knowing is best for all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've thought about hiring a PI. Right now I am seeing a therapist which has been helpful. I finally gained access to the bank accounts, which is how I discovered he had been taking out 400-600/month for several years. After I got access to the accounts, he started taking cash from money reserved to pay for babysitters, etc. Any time I asked him about what the money was for, he shut the conversation down by yelling, calling me paranoid, unstable, etc. but he stopped the spending until several months ago when he spent several hundred dollars. He's given me five different explanations, none of which make sense. I know he's lying. I suspect he has/had an affair. I just can't prove it.

For all of you who are cheating, please don't lie if your spouse suspects something. I can understand why people cheat and it isn't a dealbreaker for me. What I can't understand is willingness to gaslight somebody you are suppose to care about. This is what will destroy my marriage. DH just doesn't seem to understand this and is following the playbook of deny, deny and deny.

It’s well past the time for the PI. You need to protect your @ss pronto. His actions show he’s ready to run.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've thought about hiring a PI. Right now I am seeing a therapist which has been helpful. I finally gained access to the bank accounts, which is how I discovered he had been taking out 400-600/month for several years. After I got access to the accounts, he started taking cash from money reserved to pay for babysitters, etc. Any time I asked him about what the money was for, he shut the conversation down by yelling, calling me paranoid, unstable, etc. but he stopped the spending until several months ago when he spent several hundred dollars. He's given me five different explanations, none of which make sense. I know he's lying. I suspect he has/had an affair. I just can't prove it.

For all of you who are cheating, please don't lie if your spouse suspects something. I can understand why people cheat and it isn't a dealbreaker for me. What I can't understand is willingness to gaslight somebody you are suppose to care about. This is what will destroy my marriage. DH just doesn't seem to understand this and is following the playbook of deny, deny and deny.

Could be an affair or a drug addiction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s a cancer. Oprah special on affairs —experts all advocated it must come out. Secrets are bad in marriages.

These "experts" make their lifelihood on selling counseling. Sure they want you to do therapy. They make their $150 per hour on every visit.

My experience with marriage therapists has not been all that great.

The experts tell the cheaters what they want to hear and will not take a 'moral' stance. They advocate lying to their spouses and do not ever ask 'are you using protection? Is your spouse's health endangered?'. Nope. They don't care. Just keep them coming back and cashing that check. There are some real snake oil salesman out there. Google therapist and see how many are in the area from 3rd rate schools in a field as questionable as 'cosmetology/astrology'. There are a few good ones out there, but most people never find them and are further damaged by bad therapy. The solution one marriage therapist suggested to my narcissistic spouse (4 years later diagnosed as a clinical narcissist) was to bring other people into the marriage. That I should try a 3-some. They scar the victims even further making them think they did something wrong. Oh--btw, he never mentioned sexual dissatisfaction as a problem. We were having sex 3-4 time per week. All this sicko therapist ever wanted to talk about was our sex in great detail. He never once asked about my husband's severely messed up childhood or any of those brutal issues.

I'm really sorry that therapy became just another negative experience for you and it prolonged the problem. There are some terrible therapists, and there are some good therapists who help people improve their lives and relationships... and who wouldn't miss signs of narcissism, wouldn't advise polyamory after betrayal, wouldn't avoiding asking about childhood experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had an affair that lasted a little over 2 years, and it ended what will be 3 years this coming October. We only saw each other about once a month or so, and it had faded quite a bit towards the end. Married 16 years, 2 kids. Spouse doesn't know. We discussed going to therapy for an issue spouse has, and I question whether I should disclose this, but most of the advice I read says no, to take it to the grave.

I know the consensus on here is a spouse has a right to know, but is that still true if the affair is over?

Yes, tell him and see how it goes.

[Anonymous]

I would be livid if my wife told me about an old affair. What the heck am I supposed to do with that information? Divorce and break up the family or live with the image? No thanks

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you want a divorce then tell. Otherwise, remain silent.

This.

+100

+200 don’t believe the “tell so you can rebuild” posters. You marriage will be over if you disclose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've thought about hiring a PI. Right now I am seeing a therapist which has been helpful. I finally gained access to the bank accounts, which is how I discovered he had been taking out 400-600/month for several years. After I got access to the accounts, he started taking cash from money reserved to pay for babysitters, etc. Any time I asked him about what the money was for, he shut the conversation down by yelling, calling me paranoid, unstable, etc. but he stopped the spending until several months ago when he spent several hundred dollars. He's given me five different explanations, none of which make sense. I know he's lying. I suspect he has/had an affair. I just can't prove it.

For all of you who are cheating, please don't lie if your spouse suspects something. I can understand why people cheat and it isn't a dealbreaker for me. What I can't understand is willingness to gaslight somebody you are suppose to care about. This is what will destroy my marriage. DH just doesn't seem to understand this and is following the playbook of deny, deny and deny.

Could be an affair or a drug addiction.

Could also be gambling.