If Affair was in the past, do you disclose?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your spouse finds out...and it's not uncommon for it to be discovered years after the fact. Remorseful AP or spouse of AP finds out and tells---it would result in divorce most definitely because you kept it buried.

If you come clean, it will be difficult for awhile, but ultimately it will allow for the marriage to repair. It will not repair with secrets. And, your spouse will eventually be able to work to trust. But, yeah, if they find out prior to you disclosing--that is BAD news.

OP here, why are you so sure if I disclose it can be worked out. Most people on here respond that if their spouse cheated, they would be gone and counsel others to do the same.

And if something comes to light say a year or two from now, isnt it easier to deal with for my spouse if it's then like 4 or 5 years in the past? As opposed to more recent? Seems like the more time that goes by the easier it would be to process if I have been faithful for the years in between which I have been

.

PP here who found out ten years after spouse cheated. It made me question everything in the interim and every trip, late night since then. Also made me really angry because the cheating was before we had kids and not telling took away a lot of my agency. Finding out years later was worse. Tell and tell now.

+1

+2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your spouse finds out...and it's not uncommon for it to be discovered years after the fact. Remorseful AP or spouse of AP finds out and tells---it would result in divorce most definitely because you kept it buried.

If you come clean, it will be difficult for awhile, but ultimately it will allow for the marriage to repair. It will not repair with secrets. And, your spouse will eventually be able to work to trust. But, yeah, if they find out prior to you disclosing--that is BAD news.

OP here, why are you so sure if I disclose it can be worked out. Most people on here respond that if their spouse cheated, they would be gone and counsel others to do the same.

And if something comes to light say a year or two from now, isnt it easier to deal with for my spouse if it's then like 4 or 5 years in the past? As opposed to more recent? Seems like the more time that goes by the easier it would be to process if I have been faithful for the years in between which I have been

.

PP here who found out ten years after spouse cheated. It made me question everything in the interim and every trip, late night since then. Also made me really angry because the cheating was before we had kids and not telling took away a lot of my agency. Finding out years later was worse. Tell and tell now.

+1

+2

Agree.

[Anonymous]

Disagree with PPs. I would not want to know about something that was 5+ years old. After 20+ years of marriage, I can forgive that. Unburdening yourself will not help anything and will certainly push your DH out the door. Many affairs are never discovered. Take it to the grave, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Grave...and I am a fanatic about fidelity.

In this case though, you are trying to make it work by going to therapy, I see no point. And it will inflict permanent scars

+1

There’s already an issue, why pile on?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Grave...and I am a fanatic about fidelity.

In this case though, you are trying to make it work by going to therapy, I see no point. And it will inflict permanent scars

+1

There’s already an issue, why pile on?

Because they aren’t working on issues with it hidden. Cheating is a major issue. While the affair stays a secret there is very little hope for real change and there are still secrets and dishonesty. It often takes individual therapy to face the personal issues that enable the cheating. Those are me wrong properly addressed in couples counseling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Grave...and I am a fanatic about fidelity.

In this case though, you are trying to make it work by going to therapy, I see no point. And it will inflict permanent scars

+1

There’s already an issue, why pile on?

Because they aren’t working on issues with it hidden. Cheating is a major issue. While the affair stays a secret there is very little hope for real change and there are still secrets and dishonesty. It often takes individual therapy to face the personal issues that enable the cheating. Those are me wrong properly addressed in couples counseling.

*never properly

The disclosure of the affair is ripping the band aid off and going in deep.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Grave...and I am a fanatic about fidelity.

In this case though, you are trying to make it work by going to therapy, I see no point. And it will inflict permanent scars

This. Grave. If confronted, own up. But if ot is pver, let it be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Grave...and I am a fanatic about fidelity.

In this case though, you are trying to make it work by going to therapy, I see no point. And it will inflict permanent scars

+1

There’s already an issue, why pile on?

Because they aren’t working on issues with it hidden. Cheating is a major issue. While the affair stays a secret there is very little hope for real change and there are still secrets and dishonesty. It often takes individual therapy to face the personal issues that enable the cheating. Those are me wrong properly addressed in couples counseling.

People that don’t disclose are not real about changing and investing in the marriage.

Counseling without disclosure is a Half-@ss way to say “well I tried and he/she didn’t change.” They never had a chance they didn’t know what was at stake or how dire the situation was. I think it’s like an “exit affair”, e.g., a way to ease out of the relationship with zero responsibility and accountability. This kind of deceitful person will be good at manipulating the therapist to their side. Why not? Even the therapist doesn’t know what they are dealing with.

[Anonymous]

Living a lie. What kind of person wants to live a lie for the remainder of their life. You are forcing your spouse to also live this lie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Grave...and I am a fanatic about fidelity.

In this case though, you are trying to make it work by going to therapy, I see no point. And it will inflict permanent scars

+1

There’s already an issue, why pile on?

Because they aren’t working on issues with it hidden. Cheating is a major issue. While the affair stays a secret there is very little hope for real change and there are still secrets and dishonesty. It often takes individual therapy to face the personal issues that enable the cheating. Those are me wrong properly addressed in couples counseling.

People that don’t disclose are not real about changing and investing in the marriage.

Counseling without disclosure is a Half-@ss way to say “well I tried and he/she didn’t change.” They never had a chance they didn’t know what was at stake or how dire the situation was. I think it’s like an “exit affair”, e.g., a way to ease out of the relationship with zero responsibility and accountability. This kind of deceitful person will be good at manipulating the therapist to their side. Why not? Even the therapist doesn’t know what they are dealing with.

They are dealing with a pathological liar, master manipulator...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Living a lie. What kind of person wants to live a lie for the remainder of their life. You are forcing your spouse to also live this lie.

So true. I don't want to live a lie, especially since once you cheat, you can cheat again if you are again unhappy for some reason.

[Anonymous]

No.

[Anonymous]

Don’t tell. Don’t do this to your spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t tell. Don’t do this to your spouse.

They already “did” this to their spouse. Now they can deal with it. Be honest and truthful and get themselves the therapy they need.

It’s not uncommon for this to be revealed by someone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t tell. Don’t do this to your spouse.

Of course he should tell his wife so that she can make her own decision on how to proceed. Also, there’s a higher chance he’ll cheat since he’s done it once already (barriers have already been lowered). This is t fair to the wife. It keeps him accountable if he tells
his wife.