If Affair was in the past, do you disclose?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you want a divorce then tell. Otherwise, remain silent.

This.

+100

+200 don’t believe the “tell so you can rebuild” posters. You marriage will be over if you disclose.

Liars. Her marriage is over because she never confronted issues or problems and is gaslighting that “he” is the one with the problems. She will be spreading her legs for somebody new again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had an affair that lasted a little over 2 years, and it ended what will be 3 years this coming October. We only saw each other about once a month or so, and it had faded quite a bit towards the end. Married 16 years, 2 kids. Spouse doesn't know. We discussed going to therapy for an issue spouse has, and I question whether I should disclose this, but most of the advice I read says no, to take it to the grave.

I know the consensus on here is a spouse has a right to know, but is that still true if the affair is over?

Yes, tell him and see how it goes.

It goes to divorce court. Your choice: divorce or take it to your grave.

[Anonymous]

The therapeutic community has huge financial gain in outing everything.

More counseling=more compensation.

We had a situation in my town in which a long time married pastor in my town had had an affair with a married woman like 20 years prior in another state. The former affair partner was told by a counselor to out the pastor and inform the church.

There was no upside to disclosing this information.

The pastor had a long term happy marriage. He had kids in high school. He was doing good things in the community and was one of the better pastor's the church had had.

This woman's disclosure tore apart the congregation. He ended up losing his job over this. Again, it was from an act twenty years prior in another state. Most of the congregation thought he should be able to keep his job.
Even my 80 year old neighbors who attended the church thought he should keep the job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The therapeutic community has huge financial gain in outing everything.

More counseling=more compensation.

We had a situation in my town in which a long time married pastor in my town had had an affair with a married woman like 20 years prior in another state. The former affair partner was told by a counselor to out the pastor and inform the church.

There was no upside to disclosing this information.

The pastor had a long term happy marriage. He had kids in high school. He was doing good things in the community and was one of the better pastor's the church had had.

This woman's disclosure tore apart the congregation. He ended up losing his job over this. Again, it was from an act twenty years prior in another state. Most of the congregation thought he should be able to keep his job.
Even my 80 year old neighbors who attended the church thought he should keep the job.

NOPE. Exact opposite. Therapists (particularly younger ones) do not value marriage/monogamy. They take zero moral stance. They will listen to somebody talk about their affairs for years and never advocate the patient making a “choice” . Why should they? They get more $$ this way and the patient keris coming back. They hear what they want to hear. You gave therapists advocating open marriages and polyamory. The foundation of marriage has cracked and with the ease of the Internet/online dating more people are being connected that never would have been 20 years ago. Cheating is through the roof because it is so easy and with Skype and other “no phone or bill trace” so easy to arrange.

[Anonymous]

Telling your spouse is nowhere the same thing as telling a congregation if you are a preacher. FFS. Really grasping at straws to get people to continue lying there.

[Anonymous]

If the other partner or other partner’s spouse ends up telling this cheater’s spouse instead of him/her confessing, it will be almost impossible to recover from. It’s better to disclose it, show remorse and get yourself intense individual counseling to work on the deep seated reasons that allowed you to be so selfish.

[Anonymous]

As somebody that was cheated on, I am glad my partner told me. Partner went into therapy prior, ended it and then disclosed. Painful, but we never would have the marriage we have now and he never we would have addressed his childhood trauma. I always would want to know and my health was at risk. I needed this information to get the right tests and treatment from my gynecologist. Otherwise, I would have remained on a 5-year PAP plan (monogamous and HPV negative prior).

[Anonymous]

Cheaters need to hit rock bottom in order to change and build a new marriage from the old. Rock bottom is admitting lies and working like hell to get help and make amends.

[Anonymous]

Take it to your grave OP.

Name one way that disclosing this affair will be a good thing for either your marriage or your spouse.
None exist.

Learn from your mistake and move on from it.

>>> It would be completely selfish to emotionally destroy your unsuspecting spouse over your own guilt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The therapeutic community has huge financial gain in outing everything.

More counseling=more compensation.

We had a situation in my town in which a long time married pastor in my town had had an affair with a married woman like 20 years prior in another state. The former affair partner was told by a counselor to out the pastor and inform the church.

There was no upside to disclosing this information.

The pastor had a long term happy marriage. He had kids in high school. He was doing good things in the community and was one of the better pastor's the church had had.

This woman's disclosure tore apart the congregation. He ended up losing his job over this. Again, it was from an act twenty years prior in another state. Most of the congregation thought he should be able to keep his job.
Even my 80 year old neighbors who attended the church thought he should keep the job.

Of course the older you get the more forgiving of infidelity you become. At that age, you have seen it all, you realize cheating is somewhere between common and rampant depending on what stats you believe, and ruining marriages and jobs over it seems an overreaction at times

[Anonymous]

If it doesn’t happen to you, it’s no big deal. Unless you have experienced the absolute horrifying pain of discovering an affair and being lied to for years, you cannot comment. Affairs get discovered after they are over quite often. A lot of times the betrayed spouse will tell the AP’s spouse. It is not always at the time of discovery, but often months or even a year later after extensive therapy. If somebody else tells your spouse, it’s game over. Get yourself in therapy. Work on bringing this up so you can move to having a marriage not riddled with deceit and secrecy. Until you tear the walls down, your marriage will never be a good one. You can’t rebuild on a lie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had an affair that lasted a little over 2 years, and it ended what will be 3 years this coming October. We only saw each other about once a month or so, and it had faded quite a bit towards the end. Married 16 years, 2 kids. Spouse doesn't know. We discussed going to therapy for an issue spouse has, and I question whether I should disclose this, but most of the advice I read says no, to take it to the grave.

I know the consensus on here is a spouse has a right to know, but is that still true if the affair is over?

Take it to the grave. Let your spouse live in blissful ignorance and work to improve your marriage from this point forward. That chapter is closed. Don't start another affair.

[Anonymous]

People are so immoral on here. Be honest and upfront about it. Hiding past cheating is lying. Just like the cheating you hid to hide your immoral ways.

[Anonymous]

Yes you do.

[Anonymous]

OP you are assuming your spouse doesn’t already know. My friend found out from her BIL that her then DH had a multi-year affair months after it ended. She waited and waited for him to come clean, as he had told his brother he would. But he never did. She eventually left him. I think there was a window she could have reconciled with him but bc he never confessed, she moved on.