If Affair was in the past, do you disclose?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“Over”? Nah you will have another unless you get individual therapy.

She needs to hit rock bottom and get individual therapy. Most will not get there until they are caught or disclose the affair.

[Anonymous]

Tell

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The only reason to tell spouse now is to get it off YOUR chest. I see that as selfish. This will hurt your spouse. You would be bringing him pain *just* to make you feel better.

Take it to the Grave. You messed up. That is what you deserve .... live with it.

This.

[Anonymous]

The "issue" that the spouse has is no doubt connected to your treatment of him/her.

[Anonymous]

A secret this big makes for a crappy marriage.

I would not want to live a lie. It was painful as shit, but I respected my DH for telling me after he ended his affair. He also answered every ? I had about it and I wanted every dirty detail..and the mundane. It really explained a lot of his past behavior and it made him finally deal with the severe repressed childhood trauma. Really bad stuff I never knew about it and I met him when he was 24. He’s 48 now.

His willingness to commit to his own therapy for life and make many changes went a long way. In a crazy way, getting all of that and the sheer horror of it for awhile did bring us closer. We did have a good marriage prior and really love each other’s company.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The "issue" that the spouse has is no doubt connected to your treatment of him/her.

I 100% agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Over”? Nah you will have another unless you get individual therapy.

+100

+100. You’ll have another affair and so might as well tell your spouse now. Honestly, once your inhibitions lower enough that you cheat once, it’s easier to do so again even if there are a few years in between. You need to tell your wife so that you can get help and you can have accountability. Also, it’s the right thing to do but not sure if you believe in the doing right. Otherwise you would t have cheated anyway.

[Anonymous]

Absolutely do not tell. Stupid to even consider it.

[Anonymous]

Of course you tell. If you don't, you are denying the spouse the chance to make the best decision for themselves.

And if not, WHEN they do find out, it will be so much worse.

[Anonymous]

I am the betrayed spouse ten months after disclosure. Absolutely should tell. It requires deep therapy for you to understand why you did it or you could do it again plus spouse absolutely deserves to know. Therapist could likely help you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the betrayed spouse ten months after disclosure. Absolutely should tell. It requires deep therapy for you to understand why you did it or you could do it again plus spouse absolutely deserves to know. Therapist could likely help you.

Are you the spouse of the guy who keeps on complaining that he’s committed all the way but that he’s ready to move on after 10 months if things don’t improve for him? If you are, I feel for you. Get a really favorable post nup while you’re working through this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Over”? Nah you will have another unless you get individual therapy.

+100

+100. You’ll have another affair and so might as well tell your spouse now. Honestly, once your inhibitions lower enough that you cheat once, it’s easier to do so again even if there are a few years in between. You need to tell your wife so that you can get help and you can have accountability. Also, it’s the right thing to do but not sure if you believe in the doing right. Otherwise you would t have cheated anyway.

+1,0000. And I would NOT assume OP is male. Writing makes it sound like a female. My spouse was the 3rd AP of his prolific mistress. She was close to 20-years married and had several multi-year affairs. Very crafty that one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Over”? Nah you will have another unless you get individual therapy.

+100

+100. You’ll have another affair and so might as well tell your spouse now. Honestly, once your inhibitions lower enough that you cheat once, it’s easier to do so again even if there are a few years in between. You need to tell your wife so that you can get help and you can have accountability. Also, it’s the right thing to do but not sure if you believe in the doing right. Otherwise you would t have cheated anyway.

+1,0000. And I would NOT assume OP is male. Writing makes it sound like a female. My spouse was the 3rd AP of his prolific mistress. She was close to 20-years married and had several multi-year affairs. Very crafty that one.

Your husband is also crafty and had an affair. He cheated on you.

[Anonymous]

Unless there’s a gun to your head, keep your mouth shut. Remind me to never ask you to rob a bank with you...

[Anonymous]

I don’t think I would tell at this point - it will devastate your spouse. BUT if you are at risk of doing it again - do tell, so your spouse has all the information they need to decide if they want to stay in the marriage. DO get in individual therapy to figure out why you cheated.