If Affair was in the past, do you disclose?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had an affair that lasted a little over 2 years, and it ended what will be 3 years this coming October. We only saw each other about once a month or so, and it had faded quite a bit towards the end. Married 16 years, 2 kids. Spouse doesn't know. We discussed going to therapy for an issue spouse has, and I question whether I should disclose this, but most of the advice I read says no, to take it to the grave.

I know the consensus on here is a spouse has a right to know, but is that still true if the affair is over?

What makes you think he/she doesn't know?

I doubt you were as good at hiding it as you think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Take it to your grave OP.

Name one way that disclosing this affair will be a good thing for either your marriage or your spouse.
None exist.

Learn from your mistake and move on from it.

>>> It would be completely selfish to emotionally destroy your unsuspecting spouse over your own guilt.

nope, not gonna happen. once a cheater, always a cheater.

[Anonymous]

I think it's very wrong of you to go to counseling pretending you have been the perfect spouse.

I think it's highly likely spouse dose know and is just bidding his/her time, perhaps until the kids re 18 +.

Depending on the ages of your kids they may know too, I was able to work out my dad was having an affair and I was only 11 years old.

I also think odds are very high you will cheat again, unless you have done the work on yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Grave...and I am a fanatic about fidelity.

In this case though, you are trying to make it work by going to therapy, I see no point. And it will inflict permanent scars

are you a lawyer or a lobbyist? I mean, jeez how can you contort yourself in so many twists and turns that you actually still have a backbone? and no, you cannot be a "fanatic about fidelity" if you advise a cheater (long term affair too) to not come clean. you're a scummy opportunist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's very wrong of you to go to counseling pretending you have been the perfect spouse.

I think it's highly likely spouse dose know and is just bidding his/her time, perhaps until the kids re 18 +.

Depending on the ages of your kids they may know too, I was able to work out my dad was having an affair and I was only 11 years old.

I also think odds are very high you will cheat again, unless you have done the work on yourself.

+1

A marriage will never be good while one party is hiding a secret as huge as an affair.

You need to rip everything down to rebuild. You can't rebuild on a shaky foundation.

It's a crap person that lies and betrays their spouse. There is only hope for them if they confess and get into therapy and start working on themselves and with you.

If you can keep that kind of secret you are a pretty awful person with a corrupted soul.

[Anonymous]

Do NOT disclose unless there was something that your wife did or is still doing to make you want to cheat again and you want to work on the marriage. Leave it in the past and never cheat again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do NOT disclose unless there was something that your wife did or is still doing to make you want to cheat again and you want to work on the marriage. Leave it in the past and never cheat again.

I so disagree. I was told. I am glad I was told. Things would not have dramatically changed and turned around. And he would not be in therapy 3 days per week and truly changing if he had just kept a secret.

In fact, the weight of the secret was making him a different person.

I prefer the truth. Always.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do NOT disclose unless there was something that your wife did or is still doing to make you want to cheat again and you want to work on the marriage. Leave it in the past and never cheat again.

I so disagree. I was told. I am glad I was told. Things would not have dramatically changed and turned around. And he would not be in therapy 3 days per week and truly changing if he had just kept a secret.

In fact, the weight of the secret was making him a different person.

I prefer the truth. Always.

Keeping a secret does not allow for growth or change. A cheater doing that is not going to get better. The problems within themselves that allowed them to do this will stay buried. They will most likely do it again in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've thought about hiring a PI. Right now I am seeing a therapist which has been helpful. I finally gained access to the bank accounts, which is how I discovered he had been taking out 400-600/month for several years. After I got access to the accounts, he started taking cash from money reserved to pay for babysitters, etc. Any time I asked him about what the money was for, he shut the conversation down by yelling, calling me paranoid, unstable, etc. but he stopped the spending until several months ago when he spent several hundred dollars. He's given me five different explanations, none of which make sense. I know he's lying. I suspect he has/had an affair. I just can't prove it.

For all of you who are cheating, please don't lie if your spouse suspects something. I can understand why people cheat and it isn't a dealbreaker for me. What I can't understand is willingness to gaslight somebody you are suppose to care about. This is what will destroy my marriage. DH just doesn't seem to understand this and is following the playbook of deny, deny and deny.

Could be an affair or a drug addiction.

Or gambling

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do NOT disclose unless there was something that your wife did or is still doing to make you want to cheat again and you want to work on the marriage. Leave it in the past and never cheat again.

I so disagree. I was told. I am glad I was told. Things would not have dramatically changed and turned around. And he would not be in therapy 3 days per week and truly changing if he had just kept a secret.

In fact, the weight of the secret was making him a different person.

I prefer the truth. Always.

Therapy 3 days a week is a lot. What is wrong with him? Why did you stay?

[Anonymous]

Sometimes the choice isn’t yours - the AP out of spite will disclose. I think if you really want to fix things you must disclose. If you want to spackle over it and just limp along, keep it under wraps. Many times the spouse unconsciously knows so I think it’s hard to really have a good marriage if you don’t disclose and deal with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do NOT disclose unless there was something that your wife did or is still doing to make you want to cheat again and you want to work on the marriage. Leave it in the past and never cheat again.

Uh, OP is a Woman

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had an affair that lasted a little over 2 years, and it ended what will be 3 years this coming October. We only saw each other about once a month or so, and it had faded quite a bit towards the end. Married 16 years, 2 kids. Spouse doesn't know. We discussed going to therapy for an issue spouse has, and I question whether I should disclose this, but most of the advice I read says no, to take it to the grave.

I know the consensus on here is a spouse has a right to know, but is that still true if the affair is over?

Depends on the stability of things.
How solid is your relationship? How stable is your spouse?
Will such a revelation wreck your marriage beyond repair?
Will such a revelation have your spouse ready to grab a gun?
Only you know these things.

[Anonymous]

My DH would have never told me about his long term affair. AP threatened to tell me so he had no choice.

[Anonymous]

Did you decide to disclose OP?