If Affair was in the past, do you disclose?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The only reason to tell spouse now is to get it off YOUR chest. I see that as selfish. This will hurt your spouse. You would be bringing him pain *just* to make you feel better.

Take it to the Grave. You messed up. That is what you deserve .... live with it.

+1

[Anonymous]

You need to have 100% honesty in your marriage. You are the issue, not your spouse. You will continue to have a wedge between you and never achieve happiness with this ugly secret.

Your spouse deserves to know this information.

You are a weak person for not owning up to your mistake and coming clean with him/her.

Only a pathological liar could go into therapy and not reveal this major detail, missing link to the puzzle.

Nothing your spouse has done justifies your betrayal/affair. Nothing.

When you make a mistake such as this in life, you need to face it. You need to own it. You need to be honest or you can continue being a pathological liar, cheater that will continue to justify why you did it. Tell your spouse. You made (unmade) your bed, now you need to lie in it.

[Anonymous]

If I were cheated on,, I would want to know. In fact, I’m glad my spouse went into therapy prior, faced his demons and confessed the hard truth to me.

It sickens me to think he could have lived that lie for the rest of his life and not committed to the mental issues/trauma that led him there.

He definitely would have done it again down the road. He would also have lived with all of that repressed childhood trauma.

He now has a system of therapy, church group and trusted friend/relatives...and most of all wide open communication with me for once about what is going on inside...and when he feels down he has healthy ways to address the problem. Not a cheap easy hit on the whore pipe that only made him feel worse over the years.

[Anonymous]

My spouse could not imagine being in a death bed with this still looming inside. I don’t think it’s selfish to tell. I think it’s criminal not to tell the spouse, especially with unprotected sex which is in all affairs.

[Anonymous]

If you want a divorce then tell. Otherwise, remain silent.

[Anonymous]

Don’t listen to the divorce people. You can live in silent misery and look at your clueless spouse like (what an idiot) or you could own it. It’s not automatic divorce. Frankly, I question if that’s what you want deep down.

[Anonymous]

My spouse told me. Ten years later. At that point I wish I hadn’t known and I am a fidelity fanatic as well. But for a recent long affair? Yes you should tell.

[Anonymous]

Tell. It was long and not that long ago.

[Anonymous]

DO NOT tell your spouse. This will hurt them for the rest of their lives and what’s the point? Don’t inflict them with pain for your own reasons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DO NOT tell your spouse. This will hurt them for the rest of their lives and what’s the point? Don’t inflict them with pain for your own reasons.

You are selfish. It makes me sick to my stomach so many people want to protect lying cheats that expose their spouse’s unknowingly to STIs/STDs.

A spouse deserves to know the truth about the marriage and their partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DO NOT tell your spouse. This will hurt them for the rest of their lives and what’s the point? Don’t inflict them with pain for your own reasons.

You are selfish. It makes me sick to my stomach so many people want to protect lying cheats that expose their spouse’s unknowingly to STIs/STDs.

A spouse deserves to know the truth about the marriage and their partner.

Men cannot be tested for many STIs that affect women, e.g., HPV and Trichomonas (very low rate of positive detection in males). These are both infections that can be asymptomatic in women and cause lasting damage, even cancer (HPV). A woman will tell her GYN she is a monogamous relationship and therefore put on a 5-year PAP cycle. THAT IS CRIMINAL.

[Anonymous]

^ for her not to know the truth about her health risks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had an affair that lasted a little over 2 years, and it ended what will be 3 years this coming October. We only saw each other about once a month or so, and it had faded quite a bit towards the end. Married 16 years, 2 kids. Spouse doesn't know. We discussed going to therapy for an issue spouse has, and I question whether I should disclose this, but most of the advice I read says no, to take it to the grave.

I know the consensus on here is a spouse has a right to know, but is that still true if the affair is over?

No one ever mentions the impact on the kids. You have 2 of them. How would it affect your relationship with them if they knew that you’re a lying cheater who stepped out on the marriage?

Your affair doesn’t just involve you and your spouse. It impacts the families of both partners.

Your spouse deserves to know the truth but that will hurt a lot of people. It seems like you should have thought about that before you cheated.

[Anonymous]

Wow, the volume of terrible advice you are getting on this is amazing!

Tell, tell, tell, and not for you but for your spouse. You cannot rebuild your marriage on lies. Also, you need to do your own therapy to figure your crap out and really learn why you looked elsewhere to fix your problems instead of communicating with your spouse and leaving the marriage first. EVERY therapist that specializes in infidelity recommends telling, and will often facilitate the disclosure. Having your spouse find out years later - and you won’t believe how often this happens- is horrific for the spouse. They have to process something that, to them, feels like it just happened while you may have processed it years and years ago. It will make your spouse feel that everything that happened in their life since the affair was a lie. Go to survivinginfidelity.com and just read through the forums - you will get much better advice there from people who have dealt with infidelity, and every single poster will recommend telling. Don’t underestimate the trauma this will cause your spouse, even though the affair is over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had an affair that lasted a little over 2 years, and it ended what will be 3 years this coming October. We only saw each other about once a month or so, and it had faded quite a bit towards the end. Married 16 years, 2 kids. Spouse doesn't know. We discussed going to therapy for an issue spouse has, and I question whether I should disclose this, but most of the advice I read says no, to take it to the grave.

I know the consensus on here is a spouse has a right to know, but is that still true if the affair is over?

No one ever mentions the impact on the kids. You have 2 of them. How would it affect your relationship with them if they knew that you’re a lying cheater who stepped out on the marriage?

Your affair doesn’t just involve you and your spouse. It impacts the families of both partners.

Your spouse deserves to know the truth but that will hurt a lot of people. It seems like you should have thought about that before you cheated.

So true. My spouse took responsibility for pain of other family. His AP was a c@nt tat took zero blame and used the “it would just be somebody else. I was in a bad place” tactic. Zero responsibility for hurting other kids/wife. C@nt. My spouse’s reaction was sincere apology to other spouse.