How to relate to SIL who shows no unhappy emotions ever?

[Anonymous]

Well because if you ARE from a broken home, and you share that, and you don't act super positive and no drama, people will throw in your face too.

[Anonymous]

Well, I'll swap with you. My MIL complains about EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME.

She doesn't like this, she can't eat that, she hates this, blah blah blah UGH she is such a wet blanket.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The SIL should not be criticized for not confiding in Op. She is a SIL. That's a relationship that needs to last a lifetime. It's a slippery slope if she shares too much. SIL has other friends for that.

And it interferes with the brother-sister relationship. That's not a nice thing to do.

Exactly! If I tell something related to family dynamics to a trusted friend:
A) They are more objective
B) They won't possibly insert themselves or talk about it with others in the name of "helping"
C) They won't long-term remember/hold a grudge against me for creating discord or the offending party for hurting me

Plus I agree that OP sounds kind of nosy/judgemental...

Exactly.

My SIL wants me to be "authentic" but doesn't bwant to hear anything "sad." At the same time I know she is a gossip, who will.share "authentic but not sad" things with a gossipy aunt. And so on.

It's much easier to share complex emotions with friends than with an extended gossipy, dsyfunctional family. And it's easier to have a relationship with your family as well.

[Anonymous]

I have a keen sense of Tragedy Vultures, gossips, and "hear-it-now-and-use-it-later" types. I'd steer well clear of you, too, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find folks like this phony, but it’s not your problem.

I do, too.

I think it stems from lack of trust.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The one time she trusts you with inner-circle level sharing, and you run to the Internet to speculate and gossip? Do you often do that about other people to her?

My ILs constantly gossip, speculate, and judge others, then ask about me/how I am/what’s new. Uh, I will tell you nothing because I know you to be bigmouths! I’m fine, thanks...gray rock.

Oh my.

Oh MY. Some people are private. Some people are introverted. I know that is very hard for those of you who feel the need to post pictures of your lunch or talk about your miscarriages on Instagram to comprehend. And yet, it's true. Not all of us seek attention and validation 24/7.

Wowza. Some people can be private without being unhinged

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I relate to that SIL too.

When I have shown or shared "not happy" emotions to my family, excluding my spouse, I was usually told to get over it, that whatever I was experiencing was not a problem, or that I was the only one with problems.

So, that leads to me believing I can only show "happy" emotions to my family. Sometimes I was even made fun of or criticized for sharing. So, at this point, I only show any disappoinment to my spouse or to closer friends.

It is telling OP's SIL shared some negative emotions during a time of weakness (drunk) and was horrified later on and denied she shared. That sounds like me, because I know I shouldn't share almost *anything* with family members, because if certain people find out it will be stored in the memory banks and trotted out later to use as criticism or to make fun of me.

OP, consider this. "Happiness" is quite possibly your SILs defense
mechanism against her family.

God, that is so f-ing sad. Your family sucks.

My MIL believes that any complaining about your kids ever means that you are a bad mother and probably mentally ill. She claims that raising her children never brought her anything but joy! LOL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The one time she trusts you with inner-circle level sharing, and you run to the Internet to speculate and gossip? Do you often do that about other people to her?

My ILs constantly gossip, speculate, and judge others, then ask about me/how I am/what’s new. Uh, I will tell you nothing because I know you to be bigmouths! I’m fine, thanks...gray rock.

Oh my.

Oh MY. Some people are private. Some people are introverted. I know that is very hard for those of you who feel the need to post pictures of your lunch or talk about your miscarriages on Instagram to comprehend. And yet, it's true. Not all of us seek attention and validation 24/7.

Wowza. Some people can be private without being unhinged

And some of us can be social and friendly without being prying, gossipy, intrusive Desperados. Wowza!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I relate to the sister too. The only people I show negative emotions to are my husband and mother. I.e. the two people who love me no matter what. And even then I try to limit it because I don't want to see my ugly side or use them as my emotional punching bags.

With friends, even my closest friends, I would never venture to do more than kind of laughingly complain about some issue. Like I might say staying at home is "kind of boring but at least we're getting so much family time!" I would never just out and out complain. And certainly not about anything serious like my relationship or kids.

NP this is me too. I actually think it’s weirder to be an adult who regularly cries on your friends’ shoulders and expects them to cry on yours. I mean, unless you are going through something real like illness or divorce. Otherwise, what do you have to cry about?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I hope you don't dislike her for it, OP. This is her personality, and it probably stems from a desire to be very, very private, even from her closest relatives and friends. Perhaps that's why she's an elementary school admin! I'm very analytical at all times, and I make a good research scientist.

So just sympathize when she shares, that's all.

I don’t enjoy being around fake people either, but since it’s a relative now just continue to be nice, check in, and don’t press her.

I have a SIL who is always happy and positive too, but I also know she dishes her gossip, complaints, and thoughts daily on the phone to her mother and her besties. I’m just not her go-to person for that stuff- thank goodness!

However, these are the individuals who can suddenly announce a illness, divorce, big issue you never saw coming because they go through such pains to hide reality. And reality is all the emotions, not just happy.

[Anonymous]

Hey op, not sure if you’re still reading this but your SIL is pretty much how I strive to be. I have to work pretty hard to stay happy and productive and functional and emotionally and mentally healthy. I grew up with a narcissistic and abusive dad and a mom whose only goal was to keep the kids in line and in quiet so he didn’t blow up. I can easily slide into depression if I let myself.
For whatever reason, maybe because I am empathic and a good listener, I have attracted people in my life who constantly talk about their drama and problems and complaints. It is really draining to to my mental and emotional health. I’ve since had therapy to maintain healthier boundaries and to keep those people at arms length and to find friends who lift me up instead of try to drag me down into their drama.
So I appreciate being around people like your SIL who is trying to be light in others lives. And I’ve also learned to also maintain very strong boundaries with my inlaws. I tell them very little about my personal life.

[Anonymous]

Can we trade SILs?. Mine is a hypochondriac who complains incessantly and (like her.brother) refuses to.treat her raging anxiety.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hey op, not sure if you’re still reading this but your SIL is pretty much how I strive to be. I have to work pretty hard to stay happy and productive and functional and emotionally and mentally healthy. I grew up with a narcissistic and abusive dad and a mom whose only goal was to keep the kids in line and in quiet so he didn’t blow up. I can easily slide into depression if I let myself.
For whatever reason, maybe because I am empathic and a good listener, I have attracted people in my life who constantly talk about their drama and problems and complaints. It is really draining to to my mental and emotional health. I’ve since had therapy to maintain healthier boundaries and to keep those people at arms length and to find friends who lift me up instead of try to drag me down into their drama.
So I appreciate being around people like your SIL who is trying to be light in others lives. And I’ve also learned to also maintain very strong boundaries with my inlaws. I tell them very little about my personal life.

I should add, I used to be the emotional dumping ground for my Mil and SIL and got sucked into all their family drama. I’ve since gotten a lot more emotional and mentally healthier and we no longer have that dynamic. My mil can be a bit of an emotional vampire who can be like a black hole that sucks up people’s attention and energy. And my SIL suffers from a host of mental and physical health issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm 100% with OP on this one. Because I have the exact same SIL. Both work in elementary schools, both are exhaustively positive and fake.

The one time my SIL's facade cracked, she called me about a very serious issue with her husband, I was nothing but nice and responsive. I called her and texted her a few days after the call, to follow up and she pretended like the whole thing didn't happen.

Where is the line between "private" and "lying?" There are actual bad things, challenges, problems that happen in life. To not admit ANY of them, or whitewash everything, is LYING.

Yikes. You sound pretty toxic. Because she isn't wallowing in the "serious issue" you think she's lying? Some people don't need the drama. It sounds like you went way overboard in responding and your SIL realized how involved you were trying to make yourself. Just because she shared information doesn't mean it was an open invitation for you to insert yourself into whatever the issue was. I would have shut you down, too.

[Anonymous]

Do people in the family gossip?

You might not be a person she is willing to expose herself to.