How to relate to SIL who shows no unhappy emotions ever?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A “broken family”?

Where was their mom?

This is a common term for a family split by divorce...

It’s also an offensive one that’s fortunately becoming less common

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The one time she trusts you with inner-circle level sharing, and you run to the Internet to speculate and gossip? Do you often do that about other people to her?

My ILs constantly gossip, speculate, and judge others, then ask about me/how I am/what’s new. Uh, I will tell you nothing because I know you to be bigmouths! I’m fine, thanks...gray rock.

This is EXACTLY my take. Oh my. Of the two, I would much prefer to be friends with the SIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here! Thanks for the responses.
My sense is it's a defense mechanism, and it makes it really hard to talk about anything with her when she immediately shifts gears into something superficial; I guess I feel I can't be myself and have to always be "up" as well, or else she completely cannot relate. It's like she can't talk about anything uncomfortable (except that one time). She also posts on Instagram daily about inspirational quotes and sayings. As I said, it doesn't really affect me (except she is also our neighbor, so...we interact a lot); but it would help to understand a bit because sometimes I feel frustrated like she's putting on a show and I don't feel we can really talk. Like if I am having a bad day or something and cry in front of her, I feel like an alien.

Your question really should be...why is she using this defense mechanism against you? Think about what I'm asking. Why does she feel she needs to defend herself from you? Her actions speak more to her instincts about you rather than anything about her. I think she's made the right choice in choosing not to confide in you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here! Thanks for the responses.
My sense is it's a defense mechanism, and it makes it really hard to talk about anything with her when she immediately shifts gears into something superficial; I guess I feel I can't be myself and have to always be "up" as well, or else she completely cannot relate. It's like she can't talk about anything uncomfortable (except that one time). She also posts on Instagram daily about inspirational quotes and sayings. As I said, it doesn't really affect me (except she is also our neighbor, so...we interact a lot); but it would help to understand a bit because sometimes I feel frustrated like she's putting on a show and I don't feel we can really talk. Like if I am having a bad day or something and cry in front of her, I feel like an alien.

Your question really should be...why is she using this defense mechanism against you? Think about what I'm asking. Why does she feel she needs to defend herself from you? Her actions speak more to her instincts about you rather than anything about her. I think she's made the right choice in choosing not to confide in you.

OP here...I think you’re judging me unfairly. She’s this way with everyone and always has been. DH confirms it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here! Thanks for the responses.
My sense is it's a defense mechanism, and it makes it really hard to talk about anything with her when she immediately shifts gears into something superficial; I guess I feel I can't be myself and have to always be "up" as well, or else she completely cannot relate. It's like she can't talk about anything uncomfortable (except that one time). She also posts on Instagram daily about inspirational quotes and sayings. As I said, it doesn't really affect me (except she is also our neighbor, so...we interact a lot); but it would help to understand a bit because sometimes I feel frustrated like she's putting on a show and I don't feel we can really talk. Like if I am having a bad day or something and cry in front of her, I feel like an alien.

So keep it light and cordial with her, and when you need to cry or "go deep," call up a trusted girlfriend!

Don't be one of those annoying types who expects to be super close with a relative or an in-law Because Family. Read the room: she doesn't want that relationship with you. That's fine. Keep it light with her and go deep with other friends who actually want that relationship with you.

It is OK to want to be close to your in-laws because they are family. It is not annoying. The previous poster tried to be helpful but the skeletons in their closet didn’t let them.

No, it is NOT annoying...both parties have to want that closer relationship. She did not marry YOU. Not everyone thinks family or ILs = automatic closeness. Especially when some people are known to gossip, speculate, and judge. Don't be a dog with a bone. Read the room, respect her wishes, MOVE ON. Failing to respect someone's personal boundaries is annoying. LET IT GO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I hope you don't dislike her for it, OP. This is her personality, and it probably stems from a desire to be very, very private, even from her closest relatives and friends. Perhaps that's why she's an elementary school admin! I'm very analytical at all times, and I make a good research scientist.

So just sympathize when she shares, that's all.

+1

I’m like your SIL. I also had very serious abuse issues just generally with my nuclear family but especially my dad. I don’t trust anyone and as a result I’m very private. I never let my guard down. I’d just let her be her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here! Thanks for the responses.
My sense is it's a defense mechanism, and it makes it really hard to talk about anything with her when she immediately shifts gears into something superficial; I guess I feel I can't be myself and have to always be "up" as well, or else she completely cannot relate. It's like she can't talk about anything uncomfortable (except that one time). She also posts on Instagram daily about inspirational quotes and sayings. As I said, it doesn't really affect me (except she is also our neighbor, so...we interact a lot); but it would help to understand a bit because sometimes I feel frustrated like she's putting on a show and I don't feel we can really talk. Like if I am having a bad day or something and cry in front of her, I feel like an alien.

So keep it light and cordial with her, and when you need to cry or "go deep," call up a trusted girlfriend!

Don't be one of those annoying types who expects to be super close with a relative or an in-law Because Family. Read the room: she doesn't want that relationship with you. That's fine. Keep it light with her and go deep with other friends who actually want that relationship with you.

It is OK to want to be close to your in-laws because they are family. It is not annoying. The previous poster tried to be helpful but the skeletons in their closet didn’t let them.

No, it is NOT annoying...both parties have to want that closer relationship. She did not marry YOU. Not everyone thinks family or ILs = automatic closeness. Especially when some people are known to gossip, speculate, and judge. Don't be a dog with a bone. Read the room, respect her wishes, MOVE ON. Failing to respect someone's personal boundaries is annoying. LET IT GO.

Maybe OP came to the anonymous board NOT to gossip. She asked for strangers to speculate instead of blabbing around to other family. Geez. It's natural to be puzzled, I think...I'd find it weird too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is me, I genuinely have no emotions other than happiness. It's not a mask I'm wearing. I have a good life though it is far from perfect, we are well off but not very rich or anything. It's just how I'm wired and I can see how it would be stranger to people. I think even my parents find it hard to relate to me.

If you only feel one emotion I seriously think something is wrong with you. Most people have the capacity to feel many emotions. This is strange.

[Anonymous]

I have the opposite issue OP. My MIL is rather sour, snarky, bitter, snippy, haughty and depressed. I have never seen her happy about anything. She gushed over (non immediate family’s) kids, for show, that’s about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here! Thanks for the responses.
My sense is it's a defense mechanism, and it makes it really hard to talk about anything with her when she immediately shifts gears into something superficial; I guess I feel I can't be myself and have to always be "up" as well, or else she completely cannot relate. It's like she can't talk about anything uncomfortable (except that one time). She also posts on Instagram daily about inspirational quotes and sayings. As I said, it doesn't really affect me (except she is also our neighbor, so...we interact a lot); but it would help to understand a bit because sometimes I feel frustrated like she's putting on a show and I don't feel we can really talk. Like if I am having a bad day or something and cry in front of her, I feel like an alien.

So keep it light and cordial with her, and when you need to cry or "go deep," call up a trusted girlfriend!

Don't be one of those annoying types who expects to be super close with a relative or an in-law Because Family. Read the room: she doesn't want that relationship with you. That's fine. Keep it light with her and go deep with other friends who actually want that relationship with you.

It is OK to want to be close to your in-laws because they are family. It is not annoying. The previous poster tried to be helpful but the skeletons in their closet didn’t let them.

No, it is NOT annoying...both parties have to want that closer relationship. She did not marry YOU. Not everyone thinks family or ILs = automatic closeness. Especially when some people are known to gossip, speculate, and judge. Don't be a dog with a bone. Read the room, respect her wishes, MOVE ON. Failing to respect someone's personal boundaries is annoying. LET IT GO.

Maybe OP came to the anonymous board NOT to gossip. She asked for strangers to speculate instead of blabbing around to other family. Geez. It's natural to be puzzled, I think...I'd find it weird too.

Yes, and? So SIL is a bit strange. Yes, and? Most people are kind of strange in some ways. So you shrug and do your best when you see them, and move on. What's really strange, to me, is why OP and types like you can't just leave it alone. So she's a little strange. Life is full of little mysteries. Keep it moving. Maybe get a hobby to help fill your time and keep your attention away from someone just living their life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here! Thanks for the responses.
My sense is it's a defense mechanism, and it makes it really hard to talk about anything with her when she immediately shifts gears into something superficial; I guess I feel I can't be myself and have to always be "up" as well, or else she completely cannot relate. It's like she can't talk about anything uncomfortable (except that one time). She also posts on Instagram daily about inspirational quotes and sayings. As I said, it doesn't really affect me (except she is also our neighbor, so...we interact a lot); but it would help to understand a bit because sometimes I feel frustrated like she's putting on a show and I don't feel we can really talk. Like if I am having a bad day or something and cry in front of her, I feel like an alien.

So keep it light and cordial with her, and when you need to cry or "go deep," call up a trusted girlfriend!

Don't be one of those annoying types who expects to be super close with a relative or an in-law Because Family. Read the room: she doesn't want that relationship with you. That's fine. Keep it light with her and go deep with other friends who actually want that relationship with you.

It is OK to want to be close to your in-laws because they are family. It is not annoying. The previous poster tried to be helpful but the skeletons in their closet didn’t let them.

No, it is NOT annoying...both parties have to want that closer relationship. She did not marry YOU. Not everyone thinks family or ILs = automatic closeness. Especially when some people are known to gossip, speculate, and judge. Don't be a dog with a bone. Read the room, respect her wishes, MOVE ON. Failing to respect someone's personal boundaries is annoying. LET IT GO.

Maybe OP came to the anonymous board NOT to gossip. She asked for strangers to speculate instead of blabbing around to other family. Geez. It's natural to be puzzled, I think...I'd find it weird too.

Yes, and? So SIL is a bit strange. Yes, and? Most people are kind of strange in some ways. So you shrug and do your best when you see them, and move on. What's really strange, to me, is why OP and types like you can't just leave it alone. So she's a little strange. Life is full of little mysteries. Keep it moving. Maybe get a hobby to help fill your time and keep your attention away from someone just living their life.

I think you're missing the point of this forum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here! Thanks for the responses.
My sense is it's a defense mechanism, and it makes it really hard to talk about anything with her when she immediately shifts gears into something superficial; I guess I feel I can't be myself and have to always be "up" as well, or else she completely cannot relate. It's like she can't talk about anything uncomfortable (except that one time). She also posts on Instagram daily about inspirational quotes and sayings. As I said, it doesn't really affect me (except she is also our neighbor, so...we interact a lot); but it would help to understand a bit because sometimes I feel frustrated like she's putting on a show and I don't feel we can really talk. Like if I am having a bad day or something and cry in front of her, I feel like an alien.

So keep it light and cordial with her, and when you need to cry or "go deep," call up a trusted girlfriend!

Don't be one of those annoying types who expects to be super close with a relative or an in-law Because Family. Read the room: she doesn't want that relationship with you. That's fine. Keep it light with her and go deep with other friends who actually want that relationship with you.

It is OK to want to be close to your in-laws because they are family. It is not annoying. The previous poster tried to be helpful but the skeletons in their closet didn’t let them.

No, it is NOT annoying...both parties have to want that closer relationship. She did not marry YOU. Not everyone thinks family or ILs = automatic closeness. Especially when some people are known to gossip, speculate, and judge. Don't be a dog with a bone. Read the room, respect her wishes, MOVE ON. Failing to respect someone's personal boundaries is annoying. LET IT GO.

Maybe OP came to the anonymous board NOT to gossip. She asked for strangers to speculate instead of blabbing around to other family. Geez. It's natural to be puzzled, I think...I'd find it weird too.

Yes, and? So SIL is a bit strange. Yes, and? Most people are kind of strange in some ways. So you shrug and do your best when you see them, and move on. What's really strange, to me, is why OP and types like you can't just leave it alone. So she's a little strange. Life is full of little mysteries. Keep it moving. Maybe get a hobby to help fill your time and keep your attention away from someone just living their life.

I think you're missing the point of this forum.

OP says she has a problem and seeks advice. My advice is to stop expecting others to behave in a way that makes sense to you or that pleases you, and to move on. Clearly it is you that missed that point. Sometimes the advice is let it go and get a hobby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here! Thanks for the responses.
My sense is it's a defense mechanism, and it makes it really hard to talk about anything with her when she immediately shifts gears into something superficial; I guess I feel I can't be myself and have to always be "up" as well, or else she completely cannot relate. It's like she can't talk about anything uncomfortable (except that one time). She also posts on Instagram daily about inspirational quotes and sayings. As I said, it doesn't really affect me (except she is also our neighbor, so...we interact a lot); but it would help to understand a bit because sometimes I feel frustrated like she's putting on a show and I don't feel we can really talk. Like if I am having a bad day or something and cry in front of her, I feel like an alien.

So keep it light and cordial with her, and when you need to cry or "go deep," call up a trusted girlfriend!

Don't be one of those annoying types who expects to be super close with a relative or an in-law Because Family. Read the room: she doesn't want that relationship with you. That's fine. Keep it light with her and go deep with other friends who actually want that relationship with you.

It is OK to want to be close to your in-laws because they are family. It is not annoying. The previous poster tried to be helpful but the skeletons in their closet didn’t let them.

No, it is NOT annoying...both parties have to want that closer relationship. She did not marry YOU. Not everyone thinks family or ILs = automatic closeness. Especially when some people are known to gossip, speculate, and judge. Don't be a dog with a bone. Read the room, respect her wishes, MOVE ON. Failing to respect someone's personal boundaries is annoying. LET IT GO.

Maybe OP came to the anonymous board NOT to gossip. She asked for strangers to speculate instead of blabbing around to other family. Geez. It's natural to be puzzled, I think...I'd find it weird too.

Yes, and? So SIL is a bit strange. Yes, and? Most people are kind of strange in some ways. So you shrug and do your best when you see them, and move on. What's really strange, to me, is why OP and types like you can't just leave it alone. So she's a little strange. Life is full of little mysteries. Keep it moving. Maybe get a hobby to help fill your time and keep your attention away from someone just living their life.

I think you're missing the point of this forum.

OP says she has a problem and seeks advice. My advice is to stop expecting others to behave in a way that makes sense to you or that pleases you, and to move on. Clearly it is you that missed that point. Sometimes the advice is let it go and get a hobby.

I think you're assuming people who post here spend all their time thinking about the issue they post about, at the expense of having a life or hobbies. Be real, you're not being helpful by saying to "get a hobby." You're trying to smugly say the posted has no life and spends their free time analyzing their SIL. It wasn't meant helpfully; it was a dig. eye roll.

[Anonymous]

One of the downfalls of this forum is that many posters see issues in black and white. If you post about a problem, you're a nosy complainer. You spend ALL your time fixating on the problem you posted about. You're a horrible person. Like Twitter, there is no room for nuance or shades of gray.

It's also very easy to throw shade when you're anonymous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The one time she trusts you with inner-circle level sharing, and you run to the Internet to speculate and gossip? Do you often do that about other people to her?

My ILs constantly gossip, speculate, and judge others, then ask about me/how I am/what’s new. Uh, I will tell you nothing because I know you to be bigmouths! I’m fine, thanks...gray rock.

This is EXACTLY my take. Oh my. Of the two, I would much prefer to be friends with the SIL.

+1