How to relate to SIL who shows no unhappy emotions ever?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I relate to the sister too. The only people I show negative emotions to are my husband and mother. I.e. the two people who love me no matter what. And even then I try to limit it because I don't want to see my ugly side or use them as my emotional punching bags.

With friends, even my closest friends, I would never venture to do more than kind of laughingly complain about some issue. Like I might say staying at home is "kind of boring but at least we're getting so much family time!" I would never just out and out complain. And certainly not about anything serious like my relationship or kids.

Well, that sounds more fake than private to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I relate to the sister too. The only people I show negative emotions to are my husband and mother. I.e. the two people who love me no matter what. And even then I try to limit it because I don't want to see my ugly side or use them as my emotional punching bags.

With friends, even my closest friends, I would never venture to do more than kind of laughingly complain about some issue. Like I might say staying at home is "kind of boring but at least we're getting so much family time!" I would never just out and out complain. And certainly not about anything serious like my relationship or kids.

Well, that sounds more fake than private to me.

What is fake about it? Some people don't have messy personal problems that they need to hash out all the time.

[Anonymous]

I relate to that SIL too.

When I have shown or shared "not happy" emotions to my family, excluding my spouse, I was usually told to get over it, that whatever I was experiencing was not a problem, or that I was the only one with problems.

So, that leads to me believing I can only show "happy" emotions to my family. Sometimes I was even made fun of or criticized for sharing. So, at this point, I only show any disappoinment to my spouse or to closer friends.

It is telling OP's SIL shared some negative emotions during a time of weakness (drunk) and was horrified later on and denied she shared. That sounds like me, because I know I shouldn't share almost *anything* with family members, because if certain people find out it will be stored in the memory banks and trotted out later to use as criticism or to make fun of me.

OP, consider this. "Happiness" is quite possibly your SILs defense
mechanism against her family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I relate to the sister too. The only people I show negative emotions to are my husband and mother. I.e. the two people who love me no matter what. And even then I try to limit it because I don't want to see my ugly side or use them as my emotional punching bags.

With friends, even my closest friends, I would never venture to do more than kind of laughingly complain about some issue. Like I might say staying at home is "kind of boring but at least we're getting so much family time!" I would never just out and out complain. And certainly not about anything serious like my relationship or kids.

Well, that sounds more fake than private to me.

What is fake about it? Some people don't have messy personal problems that they need to hash out all the time.

+ 1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the OP. I don't expect a relationship or anything. She can act how she likes; I was mainly curious to see what that mindset is. I cannot relate. And as I said, it's not my problem. I was curious because there are some good perspectives here. I don't really need to be told to back off. Yikes.

Why do you need to know what that mindset is?
Why is it important that you "cannot relate"?

Do you get that not everyone needs to "relate" to everyone? Do you get that your SIL's attitude, choices and behaviors are not necessarily inauthentic or odd just because YOU don't understand or "relate"?

-np

I do! I was curious for a peek into that way of being. Not trying to convert anyone. Just trying to put myself in her shoes. She is our neighbor, we see her all the time, and being around someone who never shows anything but cheerful gloss is sometimes hard to interact with, so I'm trying to empathize and to understand. That's all. I don't really need to be attacked or judged or barraged with a series of prosecutorial "Do you get? Do you get?" questions. Kindness.

You think people challenging your perspective and questioning your motivations is "attacking" you?

Yes, people upthread called her things like "stone cold bitch," which sounds kind of like attacking.

[Anonymous]

You’re not someone she is going to share with, and this helps keep the relationship superficial.

[Anonymous]

Just because she doesn't share deep stuff with you doesn't mean she's "fake." She maybe just chooses to share her deep stuff with her closer friends.

What's the problem?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I relate to the sister too. The only people I show negative emotions to are my husband and mother. I.e. the two people who love me no matter what. And even then I try to limit it because I don't want to see my ugly side or use them as my emotional punching bags.

With friends, even my closest friends, I would never venture to do more than kind of laughingly complain about some issue. Like I might say staying at home is "kind of boring but at least we're getting so much family time!" I would never just out and out complain. And certainly not about anything serious like my relationship or kids.

Well, that sounds more fake than private to me.

What is fake about it? Some people don't have messy personal problems that they need to hash out all the time.

It sounds like you are so worried about what people think about you that you actively hide negative things and negative emotions. You think THEY will think less of you. That's fake. And sad. People have shit. Being able to share the realities of your life - the good and the bad - is what builds true, deep, intimate friendships.

We ALL have problems, even people like me, who have a pretty great life. To actively hide the negative side to things, is fake. You are pretending to the world that you don't have "not so great" things that happen in your life. I'm not talking about unloading about your abusive childhood, but not even complaining about the three months of lock down that we've experienced? That's just pathological. It's not that you don't have bad stuff to talk about, its that you just save it for your husband and mom.

Let it go sister, let the facade crack a little, we all know you aren't telling 100% of the truth about how much you love quarantine, your mom needs a break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I relate to the sister too. The only people I show negative emotions to are my husband and mother. I.e. the two people who love me no matter what. And even then I try to limit it because I don't want to see my ugly side or use them as my emotional punching bags.

With friends, even my closest friends, I would never venture to do more than kind of laughingly complain about some issue. Like I might say staying at home is "kind of boring but at least we're getting so much family time!" I would never just out and out complain. And certainly not about anything serious like my relationship or kids.

Well, that sounds more fake than private to me.

What is fake about it? Some people don't have messy personal problems that they need to hash out all the time.

It sounds like you are so worried about what people think about you that you actively hide negative things and negative emotions. You think THEY will think less of you. That's fake. And sad. People have shit. Being able to share the realities of your life - the good and the bad - is what builds true, deep, intimate friendships.

We ALL have problems, even people like me, who have a pretty great life. To actively hide the negative side to things, is fake. You are pretending to the world that you don't have "not so great" things that happen in your life. I'm not talking about unloading about your abusive childhood, but not even complaining about the three months of lock down that we've experienced? That's just pathological. It's not that you don't have bad stuff to talk about, its that you just save it for your husband and mom.

Let it go sister, let the facade crack a little, we all know you aren't telling 100% of the truth about how much you love quarantine, your mom needs a break.

Oh I get it. You like feeling superior to others. The more "real" they are, the more you "win." LOL keep trying! -NP

[Anonymous]

I'm 100% with OP on this one. Because I have the exact same SIL. Both work in elementary schools, both are exhaustively positive and fake.

The one time my SIL's facade cracked, she called me about a very serious issue with her husband, I was nothing but nice and responsive. I called her and texted her a few days after the call, to follow up and she pretended like the whole thing didn't happen.

Where is the line between "private" and "lying?" There are actual bad things, challenges, problems that happen in life. To not admit ANY of them, or whitewash everything, is LYING.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I relate to that SIL too.

When I have shown or shared "not happy" emotions to my family, excluding my spouse, I was usually told to get over it, that whatever I was experiencing was not a problem, or that I was the only one with problems.

So, that leads to me believing I can only show "happy" emotions to my family. Sometimes I was even made fun of or criticized for sharing. So, at this point, I only show any disappoinment to my spouse or to closer friends.

It is telling OP's SIL shared some negative emotions during a time of weakness (drunk) and was horrified later on and denied she shared. That sounds like me, because I know I shouldn't share almost *anything* with family members, because if certain people find out it will be stored in the memory banks and trotted out later to use as criticism or to make fun of me.

OP, consider this. "Happiness" is quite possibly your SILs defense
mechanism against her family.

God, that is so f-ing sad. Your family sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I relate to the sister too. The only people I show negative emotions to are my husband and mother. I.e. the two people who love me no matter what. And even then I try to limit it because I don't want to see my ugly side or use them as my emotional punching bags.

With friends, even my closest friends, I would never venture to do more than kind of laughingly complain about some issue. Like I might say staying at home is "kind of boring but at least we're getting so much family time!" I would never just out and out complain. And certainly not about anything serious like my relationship or kids.

Well, that sounds more fake than private to me.

What is fake about it? Some people don't have messy personal problems that they need to hash out all the time.

It sounds like you are so worried about what people think about you that you actively hide negative things and negative emotions. You think THEY will think less of you. That's fake. And sad. People have shit. Being able to share the realities of your life - the good and the bad - is what builds true, deep, intimate friendships.

We ALL have problems, even people like me, who have a pretty great life. To actively hide the negative side to things, is fake. You are pretending to the world that you don't have "not so great" things that happen in your life. I'm not talking about unloading about your abusive childhood, but not even complaining about the three months of lock down that we've experienced? That's just pathological. It's not that you don't have bad stuff to talk about, its that you just save it for your husband and mom.

Let it go sister, let the facade crack a little, we all know you aren't telling 100% of the truth about how much you love quarantine, your mom needs a break.

Oh I get it. You like feeling superior to others. The more "real" they are, the more you "win." LOL keep trying! -NP

There is no winning, I was just defining what FAKE means. There is no superior, that is just the myth fake people tell themselves and WHY they insist on curating their presentation to other people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I relate to the sister too. The only people I show negative emotions to are my husband and mother. I.e. the two people who love me no matter what. And even then I try to limit it because I don't want to see my ugly side or use them as my emotional punching bags.

With friends, even my closest friends, I would never venture to do more than kind of laughingly complain about some issue. Like I might say staying at home is "kind of boring but at least we're getting so much family time!" I would never just out and out complain. And certainly not about anything serious like my relationship or kids.

Well, that sounds more fake than private to me.

What is fake about it? Some people don't have messy personal problems that they need to hash out all the time.

It sounds like you are so worried about what people think about you that you actively hide negative things and negative emotions. You think THEY will think less of you. That's fake. And sad. People have shit. Being able to share the realities of your life - the good and the bad - is what builds true, deep, intimate friendships.

We ALL have problems, even people like me, who have a pretty great life. To actively hide the negative side to things, is fake. You are pretending to the world that you don't have "not so great" things that happen in your life. I'm not talking about unloading about your abusive childhood, but not even complaining about the three months of lock down that we've experienced? That's just pathological. It's not that you don't have bad stuff to talk about, its that you just save it for your husband and mom.

Let it go sister, let the facade crack a little, we all know you aren't telling 100% of the truth about how much you love quarantine, your mom needs a break.

Oh I get it. You like feeling superior to others. The more "real" they are, the more you "win." LOL keep trying! -NP

There is no winning, I was just defining what FAKE means. There is no superior, that is just the myth fake people tell themselves and WHY they insist on curating their presentation to other people.

No one needs to be "authentic" by your definition to please you. No one needs to make a presentation that is pleasing to you. No one needs to confide in you. The world does not owe you closeness, friendship, realness, or transparency.

Stay mad, though. It's genuinely amusing to private people like me how much it bothers over-sharers like you.

[Anonymous]

Just because she doesn't share a lot of stuff with you does not mean she doesn't confide in her friends or her own family. Why is that a problem?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I relate to the sister too. The only people I show negative emotions to are my husband and mother. I.e. the two people who love me no matter what. And even then I try to limit it because I don't want to see my ugly side or use them as my emotional punching bags.

With friends, even my closest friends, I would never venture to do more than kind of laughingly complain about some issue. Like I might say staying at home is "kind of boring but at least we're getting so much family time!" I would never just out and out complain. And certainly not about anything serious like my relationship or kids.

Well, that sounds more fake than private to me.

What is fake about it? Some people don't have messy personal problems that they need to hash out all the time.

It sounds like you are so worried about what people think about you that you actively hide negative things and negative emotions. You think THEY will think less of you. That's fake. And sad. People have shit. Being able to share the realities of your life - the good and the bad - is what builds true, deep, intimate friendships.

We ALL have problems, even people like me, who have a pretty great life. To actively hide the negative side to things, is fake. You are pretending to the world that you don't have "not so great" things that happen in your life. I'm not talking about unloading about your abusive childhood, but not even complaining about the three months of lock down that we've experienced? That's just pathological. It's not that you don't have bad stuff to talk about, its that you just save it for your husband and mom.

Let it go sister, let the facade crack a little, we all know you aren't telling 100% of the truth about how much you love quarantine, your mom needs a break.

PP here. No I’m talking about truly ugly thoughts. We all have them. Only a fool shares them with other people though.

As far as complaining about things like the lock down goes, I guess I try to keep things in perspective. We’re not sick. None of us have even suffered financially (yet). Am I tired of homeschooling? You bet. But who wants to hear affluent white people complain about having to homeschool or canceling vacations? No one wants to hear that and I get it.