How to relate to SIL who shows no unhappy emotions ever?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here! Thanks for the responses.
My sense is it's a defense mechanism, and it makes it really hard to talk about anything with her when she immediately shifts gears into something superficial; I guess I feel I can't be myself and have to always be "up" as well, or else she completely cannot relate. It's like she can't talk about anything uncomfortable (except that one time). She also posts on Instagram daily about inspirational quotes and sayings. As I said, it doesn't really affect me (except she is also our neighbor, so...we interact a lot); but it would help to understand a bit because sometimes I feel frustrated like she's putting on a show and I don't feel we can really talk. Like if I am having a bad day or something and cry in front of her, I feel like an alien.

So keep it light and cordial with her, and when you need to cry or "go deep," call up a trusted girlfriend!

Don't be one of those annoying types who expects to be super close with a relative or an in-law Because Family. Read the room: she doesn't want that relationship with you. That's fine. Keep it light with her and go deep with other friends who actually want that relationship with you.

It is OK to want to be close to your in-laws because they are family. It is not annoying. The previous poster tried to be helpful but the skeletons in their closet didn’t let them.

No, it is NOT annoying...both parties have to want that closer relationship. She did not marry YOU. Not everyone thinks family or ILs = automatic closeness. Especially when some people are known to gossip, speculate, and judge. Don't be a dog with a bone. Read the room, respect her wishes, MOVE ON. Failing to respect someone's personal boundaries is annoying. LET IT GO.

Maybe OP came to the anonymous board NOT to gossip. She asked for strangers to speculate instead of blabbing around to other family. Geez. It's natural to be puzzled, I think...I'd find it weird too.

Yes, and? So SIL is a bit strange. Yes, and? Most people are kind of strange in some ways. So you shrug and do your best when you see them, and move on. What's really strange, to me, is why OP and types like you can't just leave it alone. So she's a little strange. Life is full of little mysteries. Keep it moving. Maybe get a hobby to help fill your time and keep your attention away from someone just living their life.

I think you're missing the point of this forum.

OP says she has a problem and seeks advice. My advice is to stop expecting others to behave in a way that makes sense to you or that pleases you, and to move on. Clearly it is you that missed that point. Sometimes the advice is let it go and get a hobby.

I think you're assuming people who post here spend all their time thinking about the issue they post about, at the expense of having a life or hobbies. Be real, you're not being helpful by saying to "get a hobby." You're trying to smugly say the posted has no life and spends their free time analyzing their SIL. It wasn't meant helpfully; it was a dig. eye roll.

OK, by all means. OP is free to use her time, energy, and mental real estate to keep speculating, observing, gossiping, wondering, and judging her SIL. Maybe in addition to her husband, she can whisper about this with other relatives as well. She can spend her time and energy continuing to expect another person to behave and live in a way that makes sense to her. She can continue to expect a relationship that she think she is owed, never mind what type of relationship the SIL actually wants. Do that, then, feel free! Enjoy the ride on that particular hamster wheel. It will give you so much more to gossip and judge about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here! Thanks for the responses.
My sense is it's a defense mechanism, and it makes it really hard to talk about anything with her when she immediately shifts gears into something superficial; I guess I feel I can't be myself and have to always be "up" as well, or else she completely cannot relate. It's like she can't talk about anything uncomfortable (except that one time). She also posts on Instagram daily about inspirational quotes and sayings. As I said, it doesn't really affect me (except she is also our neighbor, so...we interact a lot); but it would help to understand a bit because sometimes I feel frustrated like she's putting on a show and I don't feel we can really talk. Like if I am having a bad day or something and cry in front of her, I feel like an alien.

So keep it light and cordial with her, and when you need to cry or "go deep," call up a trusted girlfriend!

Don't be one of those annoying types who expects to be super close with a relative or an in-law Because Family. Read the room: she doesn't want that relationship with you. That's fine. Keep it light with her and go deep with other friends who actually want that relationship with you.

It is OK to want to be close to your in-laws because they are family. It is not annoying. The previous poster tried to be helpful but the skeletons in their closet didn’t let them.

No, it is NOT annoying...both parties have to want that closer relationship. She did not marry YOU. Not everyone thinks family or ILs = automatic closeness. Especially when some people are known to gossip, speculate, and judge. Don't be a dog with a bone. Read the room, respect her wishes, MOVE ON. Failing to respect someone's personal boundaries is annoying. LET IT GO.

Maybe OP came to the anonymous board NOT to gossip. She asked for strangers to speculate instead of blabbing around to other family. Geez. It's natural to be puzzled, I think...I'd find it weird too.

Yes, and? So SIL is a bit strange. Yes, and? Most people are kind of strange in some ways. So you shrug and do your best when you see them, and move on. What's really strange, to me, is why OP and types like you can't just leave it alone. So she's a little strange. Life is full of little mysteries. Keep it moving. Maybe get a hobby to help fill your time and keep your attention away from someone just living their life.

I think you're missing the point of this forum.

OP says she has a problem and seeks advice. My advice is to stop expecting others to behave in a way that makes sense to you or that pleases you, and to move on. Clearly it is you that missed that point. Sometimes the advice is let it go and get a hobby.

I think you're assuming people who post here spend all their time thinking about the issue they post about, at the expense of having a life or hobbies. Be real, you're not being helpful by saying to "get a hobby." You're trying to smugly say the posted has no life and spends their free time analyzing their SIL. It wasn't meant helpfully; it was a dig. eye roll.

OK, by all means. OP is free to use her time, energy, and mental real estate to keep speculating, observing, gossiping, wondering, and judging her SIL. Maybe in addition to her husband, she can whisper about this with other relatives as well. She can spend her time and energy continuing to expect another person to behave and live in a way that makes sense to her. She can continue to expect a relationship that she think she is owed, never mind what type of relationship the SIL actually wants. Do that, then, feel free! Enjoy the ride on that particular hamster wheel. It will give you so much more to gossip and judge about.

I think you're making a little much of this.

[Anonymous]

OP, don't look to make Relatives your Friends. Make different friends. If she's unauthentic, it's because she doesn't want to share. Probably doesn't want to share with you. She has other friends. That's her purgative. This is your husband's sister. I think you are being the problem. You really shouldn't need anything from her. You're expecting too much. You making yourself too significant. It's disrespectful to their relationship. It's disespectful to your brother. Back off.

[Anonymous]

I'm the OP. I don't expect a relationship or anything. She can act how she likes; I was mainly curious to see what that mindset is. I cannot relate. And as I said, it's not my problem. I was curious because there are some good perspectives here. I don't really need to be told to back off. Yikes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the OP. I don't expect a relationship or anything. She can act how she likes; I was mainly curious to see what that mindset is. I cannot relate. And as I said, it's not my problem. I was curious because there are some good perspectives here. I don't really need to be told to back off. Yikes.

And yet, your reaction shows that you do in fact need to be told that. Just because you and her brother decided to get married doesn't mean anything about her obligation to have any kind of intimacy with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here! Thanks for the responses.
My sense is it's a defense mechanism, and it makes it really hard to talk about anything with her when she immediately shifts gears into something superficial; I guess I feel I can't be myself and have to always be "up" as well, or else she completely cannot relate. It's like she can't talk about anything uncomfortable (except that one time). She also posts on Instagram daily about inspirational quotes and sayings. As I said, it doesn't really affect me (except she is also our neighbor, so...we interact a lot); but it would help to understand a bit because sometimes I feel frustrated like she's putting on a show and I don't feel we can really talk. Like if I am having a bad day or something and cry in front of her, I feel like an alien.

So keep it light and cordial with her, and when you need to cry or "go deep," call up a trusted girlfriend!

Don't be one of those annoying types who expects to be super close with a relative or an in-law Because Family. Read the room: she doesn't want that relationship with you. That's fine. Keep it light with her and go deep with other friends who actually want that relationship with you.

It is OK to want to be close to your in-laws because they are family. It is not annoying. The previous poster tried to be helpful but the skeletons in their closet didn’t let them.

No, it is NOT annoying...both parties have to want that closer relationship. She did not marry YOU. Not everyone thinks family or ILs = automatic closeness. Especially when some people are known to gossip, speculate, and judge. Don't be a dog with a bone. Read the room, respect her wishes, MOVE ON. Failing to respect someone's personal boundaries is annoying. LET IT GO.

Maybe OP came to the anonymous board NOT to gossip. She asked for strangers to speculate instead of blabbing around to other family. Geez. It's natural to be puzzled, I think...I'd find it weird too.

Yes, and? So SIL is a bit strange. Yes, and? Most people are kind of strange in some ways. So you shrug and do your best when you see them, and move on. What's really strange, to me, is why OP and types like you can't just leave it alone. So she's a little strange. Life is full of little mysteries. Keep it moving. Maybe get a hobby to help fill your time and keep your attention away from someone just living their life.

I think you're missing the point of this forum.

+1000.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the OP. I don't expect a relationship or anything. She can act how she likes; I was mainly curious to see what that mindset is. I cannot relate. And as I said, it's not my problem. I was curious because there are some good perspectives here. I don't really need to be told to back off. Yikes.

And yet, your reaction shows that you do in fact need to be told that. Just because you and her brother decided to get married doesn't mean anything about her obligation to have any kind of intimacy with you.

What "reaction"? She posted on a forum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the OP. I don't expect a relationship or anything. She can act how she likes; I was mainly curious to see what that mindset is. I cannot relate. And as I said, it's not my problem. I was curious because there are some good perspectives here. I don't really need to be told to back off. Yikes.

Why do you need to know what that mindset is?
Why is it important that you "cannot relate"?

Do you get that not everyone needs to "relate" to everyone? Do you get that your SIL's attitude, choices and behaviors are not necessarily inauthentic or odd just because YOU don't understand or "relate"?

-np

[Anonymous]

Sounds like she is more trying to convince herself than you. I'd stay out of it if I were you.

[Anonymous]

I can relate to the SIL. Maybe it's not the healthiest thing, but it gets me through the day. For all you know, there are some really tough emotional issues she has in her marriage and life. But overall, she's fairly happy and grateful. You can either focus on the crappy stuff or focus on pretty flowers and cheerful things around you. Would you rather her be miserable and cynical?
Since she already "cracked", she does have a side to her that is real and emotional. You are likely to see that side again if you are supportive. It just takes some people longer to figure out that balance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the OP. I don't expect a relationship or anything. She can act how she likes; I was mainly curious to see what that mindset is. I cannot relate. And as I said, it's not my problem. I was curious because there are some good perspectives here. I don't really need to be told to back off. Yikes.

Why do you need to know what that mindset is?
Why is it important that you "cannot relate"?

Do you get that not everyone needs to "relate" to everyone? Do you get that your SIL's attitude, choices and behaviors are not necessarily inauthentic or odd just because YOU don't understand or "relate"?

-np

I do! I was curious for a peek into that way of being. Not trying to convert anyone. Just trying to put myself in her shoes. She is our neighbor, we see her all the time, and being around someone who never shows anything but cheerful gloss is sometimes hard to interact with, so I'm trying to empathize and to understand. That's all. I don't really need to be attacked or judged or barraged with a series of prosecutorial "Do you get? Do you get?" questions. Kindness.

[Anonymous]

I relate to the sister too. The only people I show negative emotions to are my husband and mother. I.e. the two people who love me no matter what. And even then I try to limit it because I don't want to see my ugly side or use them as my emotional punching bags.

With friends, even my closest friends, I would never venture to do more than kind of laughingly complain about some issue. Like I might say staying at home is "kind of boring but at least we're getting so much family time!" I would never just out and out complain. And certainly not about anything serious like my relationship or kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the OP. I don't expect a relationship or anything. She can act how she likes; I was mainly curious to see what that mindset is. I cannot relate. And as I said, it's not my problem. I was curious because there are some good perspectives here. I don't really need to be told to back off. Yikes.

Why do you need to know what that mindset is?
Why is it important that you "cannot relate"?

Do you get that not everyone needs to "relate" to everyone? Do you get that your SIL's attitude, choices and behaviors are not necessarily inauthentic or odd just because YOU don't understand or "relate"?

-np

I do! I was curious for a peek into that way of being. Not trying to convert anyone. Just trying to put myself in her shoes. She is our neighbor, we see her all the time, and being around someone who never shows anything but cheerful gloss is sometimes hard to interact with, so I'm trying to empathize and to understand. That's all. I don't really need to be attacked or judged or barraged with a series of prosecutorial "Do you get? Do you get?" questions. Kindness.

You think people challenging your perspective and questioning your motivations is "attacking" you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the OP. I don't expect a relationship or anything. She can act how she likes; I was mainly curious to see what that mindset is. I cannot relate. And as I said, it's not my problem. I was curious because there are some good perspectives here. I don't really need to be told to back off. Yikes.

Why do you need to know what that mindset is?
Why is it important that you "cannot relate"?

Do you get that not everyone needs to "relate" to everyone? Do you get that your SIL's attitude, choices and behaviors are not necessarily inauthentic or odd just because YOU don't understand or "relate"?

-np

I do! I was curious for a peek into that way of being. Not trying to convert anyone. Just trying to put myself in her shoes. She is our neighbor, we see her all the time, and being around someone who never shows anything but cheerful gloss is sometimes hard to interact with, so I'm trying to empathize and to understand. That's all. I don't really need to be attacked or judged or barraged with a series of prosecutorial "Do you get? Do you get?" questions. Kindness.

In what way though? I truly don't get this sentiment. What are you looking for her to express?

[Anonymous]

I like my SIL, but she is an oversharing type who always shares her observations and judgments of others with me, both privately and in larger company. She is not a safe space: she has told other people's deepest, most personal business even when I have said I don't want to hear.

I confide in discreet, nonjudgmental, true friends. I do not confide in known gossips. They get surface-level conversation from me.

Maybe reflect on how much you speculate or talk about others in her presence.

Maybe all this "odd" behavior isn't just about her...