How to relate to SIL who shows no unhappy emotions ever?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like this is how she copes, and I'm sure it's ingrained from childhood.

Reframe how you think of it, OP. Rather than see it as inauthenticity, see it as someone choosing to look for and make beauty in her life. She could turn to alcohol or pills but instead throws herself into flower arranging. That's pretty damn awesome, if you ask me.

+ 1

Very constructive. I also think Elementary School administrator is a very happy and fulfilling job. I think how she handles life is pretty awesome too. And if her dad walked out when she was little, it may have made her into a person who celebrates the normalcy of a regular life.

Another +1 to both posts above. These are perceptive posts that look at why SIL might be the way she is, and at the same time, they do not criticize her but basically tell you that she's handling this in her own way. And you can make a choice to see it as admirable. since you know the backstory of her and your DH's lives. I hope you will make that choice because it's a bit concerning to me that you refer to "authentic, raw relationships" as your yardstick. Those are great and can be very fulfilling--IF the people in them want that and benefit from it. But I've known a few people who felt the only legitimate way to be was "real and raw" and that people like your SIL were hypocritical or simply wrong to behave and react as they do. They're not wrong, they just have a different authenticity.

I would agree with this, except she did talk about unhappiness when drunk, so it’s a facade, to a degree. But maybe we all have facades

Calling it a "facade" is negative. It's privacy. Privacy slips at times which can be good if one needs support but not so good if one is embarrassed. The SIL seems to be embarrassed and doesn't want to pursue it into "raw" territory with OP. That's fine; it's the SIL's choice. I'd wager that, assuming she remembers that she let some things slip to OP while drinking, SIL won't let herself get into that situation again. It's OK to be private about some things or about most things. Do you feel that "authenticity" actually means "telling people personal things"? Because some people do think that, and judge negatively anyone who doesn't want to share as much as they do.

[Anonymous]

OP here! Thanks for the responses.
My sense is it's a defense mechanism, and it makes it really hard to talk about anything with her when she immediately shifts gears into something superficial; I guess I feel I can't be myself and have to always be "up" as well, or else she completely cannot relate. It's like she can't talk about anything uncomfortable (except that one time). She also posts on Instagram daily about inspirational quotes and sayings. As I said, it doesn't really affect me (except she is also our neighbor, so...we interact a lot); but it would help to understand a bit because sometimes I feel frustrated like she's putting on a show and I don't feel we can really talk. Like if I am having a bad day or something and cry in front of her, I feel like an alien.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here! Thanks for the responses.
My sense is it's a defense mechanism, and it makes it really hard to talk about anything with her when she immediately shifts gears into something superficial; I guess I feel I can't be myself and have to always be "up" as well, or else she completely cannot relate. It's like she can't talk about anything uncomfortable (except that one time). She also posts on Instagram daily about inspirational quotes and sayings. As I said, it doesn't really affect me (except she is also our neighbor, so...we interact a lot); but it would help to understand a bit because sometimes I feel frustrated like she's putting on a show and I don't feel we can really talk. Like if I am having a bad day or something and cry in front of her, I feel like an alien.

It sounds like you and she need to find something you can have or do in common (if, that is, you want some kind of relationship with her) that lets you focus on that activity or interest and not on what is going on emotionally in your life or hers. The focus stays outward, on that activity, not inward on your bad day or her shifting gears.

You don't have to be "up" with her to match her mood at all times but it sounds as if you might want her to be more emotionally supportive and she's just not wired for that. I'd find whatever it is you and she CAN share (probably an activity like a class you take together or a project you take on together for the school/your homes/etc.--something hands-on, not a talky/emotional thing). Then when you have a bad day you are seeing her in order to pursue that activity and distract yourself, not to lean on her shoulder during that time.

That all assumes you want to spend time with her, of course. Focus up on your friends who are cry-on-their-shoulder friends and let her be your upbeat-go-getter activity friend. The two aren't always mutually exclusive but in her case, it sounds like they are. You seem to crave the chance to "really talk" with her but I'd put that energy into other friends with whom you can do just that.

Stop looking at her Instagram if the quotes etc. get to you, by the way. If she notices, just say you're reducing your social media use overall etc. Social media are terrible for giving us too much exposure to what we think are other people's "thoughts."

[Anonymous]

PP from above, the "shifting gears" is a weird autocorrect. Sorry. So weird that I can't even recall what it was supposed to be....

[Anonymous]

OP, from what you shared, it does sound like more of a defense mechanism than just her being private. Sometimes people hide negative/painful experiences not only from others, but even from themselves; the one time her inhibitions were lowered she couldn’t even admit afterwards that she had been truthful.

Not that this is necessarily the case here, but sometimes people in therapy uncover ways that they have been acting/living inauthentically without previously realizing it because that’s how they learned to deal with past experiences.

This may just be how she copes. You may find it a bit surreal at times, and sadly you may have to look elsewhere for a more authentic relationship.

[Anonymous]

OP you're a stone cold bitch.

[Anonymous]

A broken home? WTF. Their dad left them (not sure if he was in touch at all) but you smugly day the home was broken.
Your SIL is right to keep you at arms length and to not show her true emotions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A broken home? WTF. Their dad left them (not sure if he was in touch at all) but you smugly day the home was broken.
Your SIL is right to keep you at arms length and to not show her true emotions.

Huh?

[Anonymous]

I’m highly suspicious of people who post inspirational quotes, it’s a sign of some internal drama or struggles.

[Anonymous]

This is me, I genuinely have no emotions other than happiness. It's not a mask I'm wearing. I have a good life though it is far from perfect, we are well off but not very rich or anything. It's just how I'm wired and I can see how it would be stranger to people. I think even my parents find it hard to relate to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is me, I genuinely have no emotions other than happiness. It's not a mask I'm wearing. I have a good life though it is far from perfect, we are well off but not very rich or anything. It's just how I'm wired and I can see how it would be stranger to people. I think even my parents find it hard to relate to me.

I’m similar. I’m deeply grateful for my happy life. And whenever I hit a speed bump I naturally see the bright side.

[Anonymous]

A “broken family”?

Where was their mom?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here! Thanks for the responses.
My sense is it's a defense mechanism, and it makes it really hard to talk about anything with her when she immediately shifts gears into something superficial; I guess I feel I can't be myself and have to always be "up" as well, or else she completely cannot relate. It's like she can't talk about anything uncomfortable (except that one time). She also posts on Instagram daily about inspirational quotes and sayings. As I said, it doesn't really affect me (except she is also our neighbor, so...we interact a lot); but it would help to understand a bit because sometimes I feel frustrated like she's putting on a show and I don't feel we can really talk. Like if I am having a bad day or something and cry in front of her, I feel like an alien.

So keep it light and cordial with her, and when you need to cry or "go deep," call up a trusted girlfriend!

Don't be one of those annoying types who expects to be super close with a relative or an in-law Because Family. Read the room: she doesn't want that relationship with you. That's fine. Keep it light with her and go deep with other friends who actually want that relationship with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A “broken family”?

Where was their mom?

This is a common term for a family split by divorce...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here! Thanks for the responses.
My sense is it's a defense mechanism, and it makes it really hard to talk about anything with her when she immediately shifts gears into something superficial; I guess I feel I can't be myself and have to always be "up" as well, or else she completely cannot relate. It's like she can't talk about anything uncomfortable (except that one time). She also posts on Instagram daily about inspirational quotes and sayings. As I said, it doesn't really affect me (except she is also our neighbor, so...we interact a lot); but it would help to understand a bit because sometimes I feel frustrated like she's putting on a show and I don't feel we can really talk. Like if I am having a bad day or something and cry in front of her, I feel like an alien.

So keep it light and cordial with her, and when you need to cry or "go deep," call up a trusted girlfriend!

Don't be one of those annoying types who expects to be super close with a relative or an in-law Because Family. Read the room: she doesn't want that relationship with you. That's fine. Keep it light with her and go deep with other friends who actually want that relationship with you.

It is OK to want to be close to your in-laws because they are family. It is not annoying. The previous poster tried to be helpful but the skeletons in their closet didn’t let them.