How to relate to SIL who shows no unhappy emotions ever?

[Anonymous]

I'm really bad at putting myself in other people's shoes sometimes. So, ha, perhaps an anonymous forum can help me to understand.
As background, DH comes from a broken family. Dad walked out on him and his sister when they were in middle school.
DH's sister married and had kids relatively young. She is an elementary school administrator. She is very sing-song and crafty, very into home, garden, everything is smiley.

She lives nearby. Everything in her life is perfect, at all times. She is always cheerful, always up, always putting a happy gloss on every single thing. It is to the point where it feels...not quite inauthentic, but hard to relate to, like she doesn't have any sort of range of emotions. A few months ago, she came over (pre-COVID) and ended up having a ton to drink and talking about how annoying her spouse is. This is the ONE time I have ever seen her "crack" and vent about her life, but it was also easier to talk to her because it felt like she was put down the veil.

The next day I checked in with her to see how she was, and she basically denied it happened, said she was having a bad day and that everything is actually great! Then sent tons of photos of new flower arrangements.

Now, I don't think there's any role for me here beyond just playing along, but what do you think is going on with her? I enjoy pretty authentic, raw relationships with most people in my life where we're open about the warts of our lives, and it's just ... weird to play along like she has this magic fairytale life. It doesn't affect me in any way, but I also find it really puzzling.

[Anonymous]

I hope you don't dislike her for it, OP. This is her personality, and it probably stems from a desire to be very, very private, even from her closest relatives and friends. Perhaps that's why she's an elementary school admin! I'm very analytical at all times, and I make a good research scientist.

So just sympathize when she shares, that's all.

[Anonymous]

I mean, even with my “no holds barred” friends, I still have to pretend that their marriages are fine or whatever when I know otherwise. I don’t think this is specific to your SIL.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like this is how she copes, and I'm sure it's ingrained from childhood.

Reframe how you think of it, OP. Rather than see it as inauthenticity, see it as someone choosing to look for and make beauty in her life. She could turn to alcohol or pills but instead throws herself into flower arranging. That's pretty damn awesome, if you ask me.

[Anonymous]

The one time she trusts you with inner-circle level sharing, and you run to the Internet to speculate and gossip? Do you often do that about other people to her?

My ILs constantly gossip, speculate, and judge others, then ask about me/how I am/what’s new. Uh, I will tell you nothing because I know you to be bigmouths! I’m fine, thanks...gray rock.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The one time she trusts you with inner-circle level sharing, and you run to the Internet to speculate and gossip? Do you often do that about other people to her?

My ILs constantly gossip, speculate, and judge others, then ask about me/how I am/what’s new. Uh, I will tell you nothing because I know you to be bigmouths! I’m fine, thanks...gray rock.

Oh my.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like this is how she copes, and I'm sure it's ingrained from childhood.

Reframe how you think of it, OP. Rather than see it as inauthenticity, see it as someone choosing to look for and make beauty in her life. She could turn to alcohol or pills but instead throws herself into flower arranging. That's pretty damn awesome, if you ask me.

+ 1

Very constructive. I also think Elementary School administrator is a very happy and fulfilling job. I think how she handles life is pretty awesome too. And if her dad walked out when she was little, it may have made her into a person who celebrates the normalcy of a regular life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like this is how she copes, and I'm sure it's ingrained from childhood.

Reframe how you think of it, OP. Rather than see it as inauthenticity, see it as someone choosing to look for and make beauty in her life. She could turn to alcohol or pills but instead throws herself into flower arranging. That's pretty damn awesome, if you ask me.

I think so too. Maybe she wants her life to be happy?
Maybe she knows better than to trust anyone related to her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The one time she trusts you with inner-circle level sharing, and you run to the Internet to speculate and gossip? Do you often do that about other people to her?

My ILs constantly gossip, speculate, and judge others, then ask about me/how I am/what’s new. Uh, I will tell you nothing because I know you to be bigmouths! I’m fine, thanks...gray rock.

Oh my.

Oh MY. Some people are private. Some people are introverted. I know that is very hard for those of you who feel the need to post pictures of your lunch or talk about your miscarriages on Instagram to comprehend. And yet, it's true. Not all of us seek attention and validation 24/7.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The one time she trusts you with inner-circle level sharing, and you run to the Internet to speculate and gossip? Do you often do that about other people to her?

My ILs constantly gossip, speculate, and judge others, then ask about me/how I am/what’s new. Uh, I will tell you nothing because I know you to be bigmouths! I’m fine, thanks...gray rock.

Oh my.

Oh MY. Some people are private. Some people are introverted. I know that is very hard for those of you who feel the need to post pictures of your lunch or talk about your miscarriages on Instagram to comprehend. And yet, it's true. Not all of us seek attention and validation 24/7.

What about people who post fake happy pictures all the time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like this is how she copes, and I'm sure it's ingrained from childhood.

Reframe how you think of it, OP. Rather than see it as inauthenticity, see it as someone choosing to look for and make beauty in her life. She could turn to alcohol or pills but instead throws herself into flower arranging. That's pretty damn awesome, if you ask me.

+ 1

Very constructive. I also think Elementary School administrator is a very happy and fulfilling job. I think how she handles life is pretty awesome too. And if her dad walked out when she was little, it may have made her into a person who celebrates the normalcy of a regular life.

Another +1 to both posts above. These are perceptive posts that look at why SIL might be the way she is, and at the same time, they do not criticize her but basically tell you that she's handling this in her own way. And you can make a choice to see it as admirable. since you know the backstory of her and your DH's lives. I hope you will make that choice because it's a bit concerning to me that you refer to "authentic, raw relationships" as your yardstick. Those are great and can be very fulfilling--IF the people in them want that and benefit from it. But I've known a few people who felt the only legitimate way to be was "real and raw" and that people like your SIL were hypocritical or simply wrong to behave and react as they do. They're not wrong, they just have a different authenticity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like this is how she copes, and I'm sure it's ingrained from childhood.

Reframe how you think of it, OP. Rather than see it as inauthenticity, see it as someone choosing to look for and make beauty in her life. She could turn to alcohol or pills but instead throws herself into flower arranging. That's pretty damn awesome, if you ask me.

+ 1

Very constructive. I also think Elementary School administrator is a very happy and fulfilling job. I think how she handles life is pretty awesome too. And if her dad walked out when she was little, it may have made her into a person who celebrates the normalcy of a regular life.

Another +1 to both posts above. These are perceptive posts that look at why SIL might be the way she is, and at the same time, they do not criticize her but basically tell you that she's handling this in her own way. And you can make a choice to see it as admirable. since you know the backstory of her and your DH's lives. I hope you will make that choice because it's a bit concerning to me that you refer to "authentic, raw relationships" as your yardstick. Those are great and can be very fulfilling--IF the people in them want that and benefit from it. But I've known a few people who felt the only legitimate way to be was "real and raw" and that people like your SIL were hypocritical or simply wrong to behave and react as they do. They're not wrong, they just have a different authenticity.

I would agree with this, except she did talk about unhappiness when drunk, so it’s a facade, to a degree. But maybe we all have facades

[Anonymous]

I find folks like this phony, but it’s not your problem.

[Anonymous]

I can be like this. I choose very carefully who I let in. Plus, honestly, my life IS objectively great.

If she had a tough childhood, she might realize that loading the dishwasher the wrong way is not a real problem.

[Anonymous]

My SIL is like this but she takes it a step further and dismisses how other people feel and can’t understand why anyone else would be mad/upset/sad. I call it life coaching. She constantly tries to life coach me and I detest it.