How to relate to SIL who shows no unhappy emotions ever?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just because she doesn't share a lot of stuff with you does not mean she doesn't confide in her friends or her own family. Why is that a problem?

She doesn't. Did you read the post?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just because she doesn't share a lot of stuff with you does not mean she doesn't confide in her friends or her own family. Why is that a problem?

She doesn't. Did you read the post?

How would OP know?!

I have six people in addition to my husband that I share my deepest stuff with. I guarantee you that my ILs could only name one of them. How would OP know who her SIL confides in?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I relate to the sister too. The only people I show negative emotions to are my husband and mother. I.e. the two people who love me no matter what. And even then I try to limit it because I don't want to see my ugly side or use them as my emotional punching bags.

With friends, even my closest friends, I would never venture to do more than kind of laughingly complain about some issue. Like I might say staying at home is "kind of boring but at least we're getting so much family time!" I would never just out and out complain. And certainly not about anything serious like my relationship or kids.

Well, that sounds more fake than private to me.

What is fake about it? Some people don't have messy personal problems that they need to hash out all the time.

It sounds like you are so worried about what people think about you that you actively hide negative things and negative emotions. You think THEY will think less of you. That's fake. And sad. People have shit. Being able to share the realities of your life - the good and the bad - is what builds true, deep, intimate friendships.

We ALL have problems, even people like me, who have a pretty great life. To actively hide the negative side to things, is fake. You are pretending to the world that you don't have "not so great" things that happen in your life. I'm not talking about unloading about your abusive childhood, but not even complaining about the three months of lock down that we've experienced? That's just pathological. It's not that you don't have bad stuff to talk about, its that you just save it for your husband and mom.

Let it go sister, let the facade crack a little, we all know you aren't telling 100% of the truth about how much you love quarantine, your mom needs a break.

PP here. No I’m talking about truly ugly thoughts. We all have them. Only a fool shares them with other people though.

As far as complaining about things like the lock down goes, I guess I try to keep things in perspective. We’re not sick. None of us have even suffered financially (yet). Am I tired of homeschooling? You bet. But who wants to hear affluent white people complain about having to homeschool or canceling vacations? No one wants to hear that and I get it.

Amen! Some of us have perspective, discretion, awareness, and a filter. The world that is truly suffering does not need my petty, privileged, rich, white complaints. I focus my time, energy, and words on helping, not whining.

[Anonymous]

Some people just aren't into talking about big things or deep things a lot, OP. Don't take it personally. NBD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I relate to the sister too. The only people I show negative emotions to are my husband and mother. I.e. the two people who love me no matter what. And even then I try to limit it because I don't want to see my ugly side or use them as my emotional punching bags.

With friends, even my closest friends, I would never venture to do more than kind of laughingly complain about some issue. Like I might say staying at home is "kind of boring but at least we're getting so much family time!" I would never just out and out complain. And certainly not about anything serious like my relationship or kids.

Well, that sounds more fake than private to me.

What is fake about it? Some people don't have messy personal problems that they need to hash out all the time.

It sounds like you are so worried about what people think about you that you actively hide negative things and negative emotions. You think THEY will think less of you. That's fake. And sad. People have shit. Being able to share the realities of your life - the good and the bad - is what builds true, deep, intimate friendships.

We ALL have problems, even people like me, who have a pretty great life. To actively hide the negative side to things, is fake. You are pretending to the world that you don't have "not so great" things that happen in your life. I'm not talking about unloading about your abusive childhood, but not even complaining about the three months of lock down that we've experienced? That's just pathological. It's not that you don't have bad stuff to talk about, its that you just save it for your husband and mom.

Let it go sister, let the facade crack a little, we all know you aren't telling 100% of the truth about how much you love quarantine, your mom needs a break.

Oh I get it. You like feeling superior to others. The more "real" they are, the more you "win." LOL keep trying! -NP

There is no winning, I was just defining what FAKE means. There is no superior, that is just the myth fake people tell themselves and WHY they insist on curating their presentation to other people.

No one needs to be "authentic" by your definition to please you. No one needs to make a presentation that is pleasing to you. No one needs to confide in you. The world does not owe you closeness, friendship, realness, or transparency.

Stay mad, though. It's genuinely amusing to private people like me how much it bothers over-sharers like you.

"Private people" lol. Keep kidding yourself that anyone cares at all what your private issues are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I relate to the sister too. The only people I show negative emotions to are my husband and mother. I.e. the two people who love me no matter what. And even then I try to limit it because I don't want to see my ugly side or use them as my emotional punching bags.

With friends, even my closest friends, I would never venture to do more than kind of laughingly complain about some issue. Like I might say staying at home is "kind of boring but at least we're getting so much family time!" I would never just out and out complain. And certainly not about anything serious like my relationship or kids.

Well, that sounds more fake than private to me.

What is fake about it? Some people don't have messy personal problems that they need to hash out all the time.

It sounds like you are so worried about what people think about you that you actively hide negative things and negative emotions. You think THEY will think less of you. That's fake. And sad. People have shit. Being able to share the realities of your life - the good and the bad - is what builds true, deep, intimate friendships.

We ALL have problems, even people like me, who have a pretty great life. To actively hide the negative side to things, is fake. You are pretending to the world that you don't have "not so great" things that happen in your life. I'm not talking about unloading about your abusive childhood, but not even complaining about the three months of lock down that we've experienced? That's just pathological. It's not that you don't have bad stuff to talk about, its that you just save it for your husband and mom.

Let it go sister, let the facade crack a little, we all know you aren't telling 100% of the truth about how much you love quarantine, your mom needs a break.

Oh I get it. You like feeling superior to others. The more "real" they are, the more you "win." LOL keep trying! -NP

There is no winning, I was just defining what FAKE means. There is no superior, that is just the myth fake people tell themselves and WHY they insist on curating their presentation to other people.

No one needs to be "authentic" by your definition to please you. No one needs to make a presentation that is pleasing to you. No one needs to confide in you. The world does not owe you closeness, friendship, realness, or transparency.

Stay mad, though. It's genuinely amusing to private people like me how much it bothers over-sharers like you.

"Private people" lol. Keep kidding yourself that anyone cares at all what your private issues are.

My friends care, as does my family. And I care about theirs. We talk about things we are working on, as well as our victories. I think that is how it's supposed to work... SIL in the OP is missing this point entirely. She has a SIL who is interested and cares about her life, and is a neighbor, and all she can do is stay surface. It's kind of sad actually. Real relationships are about real life, and real life is not always easy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I relate to the sister too. The only people I show negative emotions to are my husband and mother. I.e. the two people who love me no matter what. And even then I try to limit it because I don't want to see my ugly side or use them as my emotional punching bags.

With friends, even my closest friends, I would never venture to do more than kind of laughingly complain about some issue. Like I might say staying at home is "kind of boring but at least we're getting so much family time!" I would never just out and out complain. And certainly not about anything serious like my relationship or kids.

Well, that sounds more fake than private to me.

What is fake about it? Some people don't have messy personal problems that they need to hash out all the time.

It sounds like you are so worried about what people think about you that you actively hide negative things and negative emotions. You think THEY will think less of you. That's fake. And sad. People have shit. Being able to share the realities of your life - the good and the bad - is what builds true, deep, intimate friendships.

We ALL have problems, even people like me, who have a pretty great life. To actively hide the negative side to things, is fake. You are pretending to the world that you don't have "not so great" things that happen in your life. I'm not talking about unloading about your abusive childhood, but not even complaining about the three months of lock down that we've experienced? That's just pathological. It's not that you don't have bad stuff to talk about, its that you just save it for your husband and mom.

Let it go sister, let the facade crack a little, we all know you aren't telling 100% of the truth about how much you love quarantine, your mom needs a break.

Oh I get it. You like feeling superior to others. The more "real" they are, the more you "win." LOL keep trying! -NP

There is no winning, I was just defining what FAKE means. There is no superior, that is just the myth fake people tell themselves and WHY they insist on curating their presentation to other people.

No one needs to be "authentic" by your definition to please you. No one needs to make a presentation that is pleasing to you. No one needs to confide in you. The world does not owe you closeness, friendship, realness, or transparency.

Stay mad, though. It's genuinely amusing to private people like me how much it bothers over-sharers like you.

"Private people" lol. Keep kidding yourself that anyone cares at all what your private issues are.

My friends care, as does my family. And I care about theirs. We talk about things we are working on, as well as our victories. I think that is how it's supposed to work... SIL in the OP is missing this point entirely. She has a SIL who is interested and cares about her life, and is a neighbor, and all she can do is stay surface. It's kind of sad actually. Real relationships are about real life, and real life is not always easy.

Not everyone wants a "real relationship" with you, especially if you are sniffing around and a known gossip. I confide in mature, trustworthy friends, not Desperados who poke and pry.

[Anonymous]

OP, why are you spending time with her without your brother? Talk about intruding. I mean some time, sure, but it should never be something you expect. Why would you expect her to share with YOU?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just because she doesn't share a lot of stuff with you does not mean she doesn't confide in her friends or her own family. Why is that a problem?

She doesn't. Did you read the post?

How would OP know?!

I have six people in addition to my husband that I share my deepest stuff with. I guarantee you that my ILs could only name one of them. How would OP know who her SIL confides in?

The only person that my SIL might know, who I confide in, is my spouse. I keep my friends separate from my family, because my family is bat crap crazy and are not my friends.

OP be a great SIL, which is maybe why she loosened up once and talked to her. But it certainly sounds like it's not something she feels comfortable doing around family. And do I understand bthat!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here! Thanks for the responses.
My sense is it's a defense mechanism, and it makes it really hard to talk about anything with her when she immediately shifts gears into something superficial; I guess I feel I can't be myself and have to always be "up" as well, or else she completely cannot relate. It's like she can't talk about anything uncomfortable (except that one time). She also posts on Instagram daily about inspirational quotes and sayings. As I said, it doesn't really affect me (except she is also our neighbor, so...we interact a lot); but it would help to understand a bit because sometimes I feel frustrated like she's putting on a show and I don't feel we can really talk. Like if I am having a bad day or something and cry in front of her, I feel like an alien.

Your question really should be...why is she using this defense mechanism against you? Think about what I'm asking. Why does she feel she needs to defend herself from you? Her actions speak more to her instincts about you rather than anything about her. I think she's made the right choice in choosing not to confide in you.

OP here...I think you’re judging me unfairly. She’s this way with everyone and always has been. DH confirms it.

I find that hard to believe. After all, she has a husband or a spouse, right? I think the PP is correct and your SIL's instincts are right about you. I've read your responses in the 5-6 pages and you're awfully forceful in only wanting this to play out one way, that you're "normal" and she isn't. And I think you have it reversed honestly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here! Thanks for the responses.
My sense is it's a defense mechanism, and it makes it really hard to talk about anything with her when she immediately shifts gears into something superficial; I guess I feel I can't be myself and have to always be "up" as well, or else she completely cannot relate. It's like she can't talk about anything uncomfortable (except that one time). She also posts on Instagram daily about inspirational quotes and sayings. As I said, it doesn't really affect me (except she is also our neighbor, so...we interact a lot); but it would help to understand a bit because sometimes I feel frustrated like she's putting on a show and I don't feel we can really talk. Like if I am having a bad day or something and cry in front of her, I feel like an alien.

Your question really should be...why is she using this defense mechanism against you? Think about what I'm asking. Why does she feel she needs to defend herself from you? Her actions speak more to her instincts about you rather than anything about her. I think she's made the right choice in choosing not to confide in you.

OP here...I think you’re judging me unfairly. She’s this way with everyone and always has been. DH confirms it.

I find that hard to believe. After all, she has a husband or a spouse, right? I think the PP is correct and your SIL's instincts are right about you. I've read your responses in the 5-6 pages and you're awfully forceful in only wanting this to play out one way, that you're "normal" and she isn't. And I think you have it reversed honestly.

I agree. She comes off as a hyper-observer, judgmental, gossipy type. My way of handling people like that is to keep it cordial, stay on the surface, and keep it moving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here! Thanks for the responses.
My sense is it's a defense mechanism, and it makes it really hard to talk about anything with her when she immediately shifts gears into something superficial; I guess I feel I can't be myself and have to always be "up" as well, or else she completely cannot relate. It's like she can't talk about anything uncomfortable (except that one time). She also posts on Instagram daily about inspirational quotes and sayings. As I said, it doesn't really affect me (except she is also our neighbor, so...we interact a lot); but it would help to understand a bit because sometimes I feel frustrated like she's putting on a show and I don't feel we can really talk. Like if I am having a bad day or something and cry in front of her, I feel like an alien.

Your question really should be...why is she using this defense mechanism against you? Think about what I'm asking. Why does she feel she needs to defend herself from you? Her actions speak more to her instincts about you rather than anything about her. I think she's made the right choice in choosing not to confide in you.

OP here...I think you’re judging me unfairly. She’s this way with everyone and always has been. DH confirms it.

I find that hard to believe. After all, she has a husband or a spouse, right? I think the PP is correct and your SIL's instincts are right about you. I've read your responses in the 5-6 pages and you're awfully forceful in only wanting this to play out one way, that you're "normal" and she isn't. And I think you have it reversed honestly.

I agree. She comes off as a hyper-observer, judgmental, gossipy type. My way of handling people like that is to keep it cordial, stay on the surface, and keep it moving.

Exactly! I do the same thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m highly suspicious of people who post inspirational quotes, it’s a sign of some internal drama or struggles.

This is what I was thinking. Most people who post that stuff are suffering in some way and they are trying to find something to keep them feeling happy.

You don't need to be someone else around her. Just be yourself. It's not up to you to decide how she will cope with it. Be comfortable in your own skin and perhaps she might end up being more comfortable too.

[Anonymous]

The SIL should not be criticized for not confiding in Op. She is a SIL. That's a relationship that needs to last a lifetime. It's a slippery slope if she shares too much. SIL has other friends for that.

And it interferes with the brother-sister relationship. That's not a nice thing to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The SIL should not be criticized for not confiding in Op. She is a SIL. That's a relationship that needs to last a lifetime. It's a slippery slope if she shares too much. SIL has other friends for that.

And it interferes with the brother-sister relationship. That's not a nice thing to do.

Exactly! If I tell something related to family dynamics to a trusted friend:
A) They are more objective
B) They won't possibly insert themselves or talk about it with others in the name of "helping"
C) They won't long-term remember/hold a grudge against me for creating discord or the offending party for hurting me

Plus I agree that OP sounds kind of nosy/judgemental...