Can someone explain the mindset of a cheater?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never understood cheaters and judged them harshly until I became one myself. Life is complicated. Humans are imperfect and selfish. Initiating divorce is not nearly as easy as it looks on TV.

All I can say is don’t judge until you have walked in another’s shoes. Though that will fall on deaf ears on this sanctimonious forum where no one has ever done wrong.

I’ve learned in life to never say never.

Plus one to this. I almost feel jealous of the people on here who see black and white. It must be easy to live to pure, I was once like that too.

Why not? Too cheap to pay attorneys' fees, child support, alimony? Trying to "do what's best for the kids" by being selfish and lying to their other parent?

Yes, in choosing to prioritize my kids home vs. the potential of hurting my spouse if I get caught, when said spouse has zero desire for intimacy, it's not a close call. If you are intimate and have a good sexual relationship with yours, why do you protest so much?

NP. Stop using the kids as a reason. You don't want to leave your wife but maybe your wife would want to leave you if she found out. This is such a "I know what's best" shitty thought process and clearly narcissistic. Who the hell are you to make that decision for your wife?

Just because someone disagrees with you, it doesn't mean they don't have good intimate relationship with their spouse. Maybe they just have good character to call you on your bs!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have never understood the emotional and intellectual circumstances that compel someone to have sex with someone who is not their significant other. The part I particularly don't understand is that they obviously know that sex outside of their relationship is not ok. They know it would mean the death of their relationship or in the least create significant problems for the foreseeable future. They know the lying and sneaking and betrayal will crush and devastated their partner.

Then...why do they do it? If they are out of love with their significant other, why do they not just end the relationship or take steps to do it? Then they can freely go and find someone else.

I've been cheated on. I've also cheated on many many boyfriends. Not the husband yet but hey, I'm not 90 yet, who knows what the future will bring. It was very traumatic to go through the adultery experience in marriage and it took easily 2+ years to get to normalcy. Coming out of it, I am still devoted to my family but a certain detachment has set in. I am still very fond of my husband and we have a good time together but at the end of the day I really see his separateness as a human being, and mine, too. And that is the same thing about adultery - at the end of the day, it has nothing to do with me. I didn't do anything to bring it on, it didn't reduce me as a person or a woman, and it doesn't really have to mean anything with regard to the relationship. We are parents and partners in the social and financial entity we've built; we are also friends who are fond of each other. And if I happen to cheat in future, it again will have nothing to do with any of this. It certainly doesn't mean I want to end the marital relationship - just like my husband's cheating didn't mean that he wanted to end it.

It was traumatic to go through it but I wouldn't call it the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I think if it's the worst thing that has happened to you, you are very lucky in that you have led a largely trouble-free life. Many other painful things in life are worse than this.

That sounds like a typical take for somebody who came from an unstable and abusive home. It's not good or something to strive for but typical.

I am not the PP but I get what she is saying.

I too was cheated on by my husband. I was horrified and shocked and confused. But for some reason it did not...destroy me or shake me to my core. I always say his actions as...his own actions and separate from me. HIS behavior has no bearing on me as a person, a woman and a spouse. I was not humiliated as I did not do any wrong. He simply embarrassed himself and demonstrated his poor coping skills.

It is the germs that he brought from other people's homes that was troublesome, yes. But I wasn't touching him. He inflicted that on himself too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never understood cheaters and judged them harshly until I became one myself. Life is complicated. Humans are imperfect and selfish. Initiating divorce is not nearly as easy as it looks on TV.

All I can say is don’t judge until you have walked in another’s shoes. Though that will fall on deaf ears on this sanctimonious forum where no one has ever done wrong.

I’ve learned in life to never say never.

Plus one to this. I almost feel jealous of the people on here who see black and white. It must be easy to live to pure, I was once like that too.

Why not? Too cheap to pay attorneys' fees, child support, alimony? Trying to "do what's best for the kids" by being selfish and lying to their other parent?

Yes, in choosing to prioritize my kids home vs. the potential of hurting my spouse if I get caught, when said spouse has zero desire for intimacy, it's not a close call. If you are intimate and have a good sexual relationship with yours, why do you protest so much?

NP. Stop using the kids as a reason. You don't want to leave your wife but maybe your wife would want to leave you if she found out. This is such a "I know what's best" shitty thought process and clearly narcissistic. Who the hell are you to make that decision for your wife?

Just because someone disagrees with you, it doesn't mean they don't have good intimate relationship with their spouse. Maybe they just have good character to call you on your bs!

Yes!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have never understood the emotional and intellectual circumstances that compel someone to have sex with someone who is not their significant other. The part I particularly don't understand is that they obviously know that sex outside of their relationship is not ok. They know it would mean the death of their relationship or in the least create significant problems for the foreseeable future. They know the lying and sneaking and betrayal will crush and devastated their partner.

Then...why do they do it? If they are out of love with their significant other, why do they not just end the relationship or take steps to do it? Then they can freely go and find someone else.

I've been cheated on. I've also cheated on many many boyfriends. Not the husband yet but hey, I'm not 90 yet, who knows what the future will bring. It was very traumatic to go through the adultery experience in marriage and it took easily 2+ years to get to normalcy. Coming out of it, I am still devoted to my family but a certain detachment has set in. I am still very fond of my husband and we have a good time together but at the end of the day I really see his separateness as a human being, and mine, too. And that is the same thing about adultery - at the end of the day, it has nothing to do with me. I didn't do anything to bring it on, it didn't reduce me as a person or a woman, and it doesn't really have to mean anything with regard to the relationship. We are parents and partners in the social and financial entity we've built; we are also friends who are fond of each other. And if I happen to cheat in future, it again will have nothing to do with any of this. It certainly doesn't mean I want to end the marital relationship - just like my husband's cheating didn't mean that he wanted to end it.

It was traumatic to go through it but I wouldn't call it the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I think if it's the worst thing that has happened to you, you are very lucky in that you have led a largely trouble-free life. Many other painful things in life are worse than this.

That sounds like a typical take for somebody who came from an unstable and abusive home. It's not good or something to strive for but typical.

I am not the PP but I get what she is saying.

I too was cheated on by my husband. I was horrified and shocked and confused. But for some reason it did not...destroy me or shake me to my core. I always say his actions as...his own actions and separate from me. HIS behavior has no bearing on me as a person, a woman and a spouse. I was not humiliated as I did not do any wrong. He simply embarrassed himself and demonstrated his poor coping skills.

It is the germs that he brought from other people's homes that was troublesome, yes. But I wasn't touching him. He inflicted that on himself too.

Is he now your ex, or have you remained married but without any physical contact?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have never understood the emotional and intellectual circumstances that compel someone to have sex with someone who is not their significant other. The part I particularly don't understand is that they obviously know that sex outside of their relationship is not ok. They know it would mean the death of their relationship or in the least create significant problems for the foreseeable future. They know the lying and sneaking and betrayal will crush and devastated their partner.

Then...why do they do it? If they are out of love with their significant other, why do they not just end the relationship or take steps to do it? Then they can freely go and find someone else.

I've been cheated on. I've also cheated on many many boyfriends. Not the husband yet but hey, I'm not 90 yet, who knows what the future will bring. It was very traumatic to go through the adultery experience in marriage and it took easily 2+ years to get to normalcy. Coming out of it, I am still devoted to my family but a certain detachment has set in. I am still very fond of my husband and we have a good time together but at the end of the day I really see his separateness as a human being, and mine, too. And that is the same thing about adultery - at the end of the day, it has nothing to do with me. I didn't do anything to bring it on, it didn't reduce me as a person or a woman, and it doesn't really have to mean anything with regard to the relationship. We are parents and partners in the social and financial entity we've built; we are also friends who are fond of each other. And if I happen to cheat in future, it again will have nothing to do with any of this. It certainly doesn't mean I want to end the marital relationship - just like my husband's cheating didn't mean that he wanted to end it.

It was traumatic to go through it but I wouldn't call it the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I think if it's the worst thing that has happened to you, you are very lucky in that you have led a largely trouble-free life. Many other painful things in life are worse than this.

That sounds like a typical take for somebody who came from an unstable and abusive home. It's not good or something to strive for but typical.

I am not the PP but I get what she is saying.

I too was cheated on by my husband. I was horrified and shocked and confused. But for some reason it did not...destroy me or shake me to my core. I always say his actions as...his own actions and separate from me. HIS behavior has no bearing on me as a person, a woman and a spouse. I was not humiliated as I did not do any wrong. He simply embarrassed himself and demonstrated his poor coping skills.

It is the germs that he brought from other people's homes that was troublesome, yes. But I wasn't touching him. He inflicted that on himself too.

Is he now your ex, or have you remained married but without any physical contact?

When I knew he was cheating on me there was 0 physical contact with us. And even many months after.

We only resumed a physical relationship after he got an STD test.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have never understood the emotional and intellectual circumstances that compel someone to have sex with someone who is not their significant other. The part I particularly don't understand is that they obviously know that sex outside of their relationship is not ok. They know it would mean the death of their relationship or in the least create significant problems for the foreseeable future. They know the lying and sneaking and betrayal will crush and devastated their partner.

Then...why do they do it? If they are out of love with their significant other, why do they not just end the relationship or take steps to do it? Then they can freely go and find someone else.

I've been cheated on. I've also cheated on many many boyfriends. Not the husband yet but hey, I'm not 90 yet, who knows what the future will bring. It was very traumatic to go through the adultery experience in marriage and it took easily 2+ years to get to normalcy. Coming out of it, I am still devoted to my family but a certain detachment has set in. I am still very fond of my husband and we have a good time together but at the end of the day I really see his separateness as a human being, and mine, too. And that is the same thing about adultery - at the end of the day, it has nothing to do with me. I didn't do anything to bring it on, it didn't reduce me as a person or a woman, and it doesn't really have to mean anything with regard to the relationship. We are parents and partners in the social and financial entity we've built; we are also friends who are fond of each other. And if I happen to cheat in future, it again will have nothing to do with any of this. It certainly doesn't mean I want to end the marital relationship - just like my husband's cheating didn't mean that he wanted to end it.

It was traumatic to go through it but I wouldn't call it the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I think if it's the worst thing that has happened to you, you are very lucky in that you have led a largely trouble-free life. Many other painful things in life are worse than this.

That sounds like a typical take for somebody who came from an unstable and abusive home. It's not good or something to strive for but typical.

My parents have been married for nearly sixty years, and our home life has been very affectionate and strong. We are all very close.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have never understood the emotional and intellectual circumstances that compel someone to have sex with someone who is not their significant other. The part I particularly don't understand is that they obviously know that sex outside of their relationship is not ok. They know it would mean the death of their relationship or in the least create significant problems for the foreseeable future. They know the lying and sneaking and betrayal will crush and devastated their partner.

Then...why do they do it? If they are out of love with their significant other, why do they not just end the relationship or take steps to do it? Then they can freely go and find someone else.

I've been cheated on. I've also cheated on many many boyfriends. Not the husband yet but hey, I'm not 90 yet, who knows what the future will bring. It was very traumatic to go through the adultery experience in marriage and it took easily 2+ years to get to normalcy. Coming out of it, I am still devoted to my family but a certain detachment has set in. I am still very fond of my husband and we have a good time together but at the end of the day I really see his separateness as a human being, and mine, too. And that is the same thing about adultery - at the end of the day, it has nothing to do with me. I didn't do anything to bring it on, it didn't reduce me as a person or a woman, and it doesn't really have to mean anything with regard to the relationship. We are parents and partners in the social and financial entity we've built; we are also friends who are fond of each other. And if I happen to cheat in future, it again will have nothing to do with any of this. It certainly doesn't mean I want to end the marital relationship - just like my husband's cheating didn't mean that he wanted to end it.

It was traumatic to go through it but I wouldn't call it the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I think if it's the worst thing that has happened to you, you are very lucky in that you have led a largely trouble-free life. Many other painful things in life are worse than this.

You have zero self respect.

Some people are married for a full relationship —sexually, intimately, friendship, Monogamy, parents. When you lie and cheat, you are distrustful. There are certain people that have a high tolerance for being lied to, cheated on...a lot of the times they stay in denial for their comfortable home lifestyle and zero means to support themselves.

My choices are not a judgment on "some people", and the fact that some people approach life differently is not a judgment on me. Why does it matter again?

I think I have a very sober eye on my setup so I don't think the denial argument holds at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn’t see it as cheating. For over two years my husband showed absolutely no interest in me as a person let alone as a wife and I did my best to attract him but nothing worked. After 14 years of marriage and three children I was desperately lonely and then I met a man at work who for a few months was just nice to me, just a business friend. We had intelligent adult conversations of which I had none at home. Eventually we had a relationship but I never felt like I was cheating because I wasn’t denying my spouse anything, I wasn’t taking something from him because nothing was there. That relationship eventually ended on good terms and when I became an empty nester the marriage ended though it had really ended years before that. I feel no guilt for what I did. I’m now in a very good relationship and I’m happy.

love this...emotionally cheating can often be even more damaging, dependent on the situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never understood cheaters and judged them harshly until I became one myself. Life is complicated. Humans are imperfect and selfish. Initiating divorce is not nearly as easy as it looks on TV.

All I can say is don’t judge until you have walked in another’s shoes. Though that will fall on deaf ears on this sanctimonious forum where no one has ever done wrong.

I’ve learned in life to never say never.

Plus one to this. I almost feel jealous of the people on here who see black and white. It must be easy to live to pure, I was once like that too.

Why not? Too cheap to pay attorneys' fees, child support, alimony? Trying to "do what's best for the kids" by being selfish and lying to their other parent?

Yes, in choosing to prioritize my kids home vs. the potential of hurting my spouse if I get caught, when said spouse has zero desire for intimacy, it's not a close call. If you are intimate and have a good sexual relationship with yours, why do you protest so much?

NP. Stop using the kids as a reason. You don't want to leave your wife but maybe your wife would want to leave you if she found out. This is such a "I know what's best" shitty thought process and clearly narcissistic. Who the hell are you to make that decision for your wife?

Just because someone disagrees with you, it doesn't mean they don't have good intimate relationship with their spouse. Maybe they just have good character to call you on your bs!

+1. I prioritized my kids when I found out about the cheating. I thought long and hard about the kind of example I wanted them to have for a marital relationship. There was no way I wanted my kids to learn that people should lie and pretend to have a great marriage. I gave myself the advice I would have given my own daughter if she had come to me in the same situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like sex. I will have sex. My wife has determined she no longer wants sex. Good for her. I don't accept her decision for the both of us. So I'll get sex elsewhere and there are so many people, men and women, in this situation that it's not hard to find.

As for, why don't I just divorce her, then go get the sex? That is such a naive question. There are 100s of reasons why couples stay together yet go outside of marriage for sex. Eventually, we will divorce but that doesn't work for me right now.

And no, I don't have a don't ask, don't tell agreement, or any agreement at all. While she doesn't want sex, she still expects sexual monogamy. Yes, it's an insane situation that I put up with for too long, but now longer. It's really the best situation it can be at the moment. I don't bother her for sex, or act in any way towards her that is angry or resentful. She either chooses to be totally clueless, or she really is if she thinks I just gave up on sex because she did.

If you won't give your spouse sex, don't worry about them going elsewhere for it until the time they stop bothering you about yet seem to be a bit more pleasant for unexplained reasons.

Your tone reads to me as very "big man." I WILL get what I want. I WILL do what I want. If you're truly that big and bold why don't you TELL YOUR WIFE you're having sex with others? That would take real guts. Let her make an informed decision if SHE WANTS to stay married to you.

I could tell her but I don't for the same reason I go elsewhere for sex. To keep the peace. There isn't anything I can do to change her mind or re-spark her interest in sex. So I go out and quietly get it with someone in the same situation. It's not ideal but it's better than it was before where I was holding in a lot of resentment towards her. As for letting her make an informed decision to stay married? Are you kidding me? She knows everything she needs to know besides that I have an AP. She knows I still have a strong sex drive. She knows that she has decided to permanently end our sex life, something we once enjoyed. And we had a great sex life. She has decided to stay married in this situation and decided that I just need to deal with it, like it or not. I tried for years to let her know how this affects us, and our likely future. But she has zero interest in addressing it. It just isn't a problem to her. She has decided to stay married in this situation. I've decided to stay married to her and not bother her about our lack of sex life anymore. I NEVER mention anymore and she seems happy with how things are. Telling her about my AP and blowing things up is not a good decision right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like sex. I will have sex. My wife has determined she no longer wants sex. Good for her. I don't accept her decision for the both of us. So I'll get sex elsewhere and there are so many people, men and women, in this situation that it's not hard to find.

As for, why don't I just divorce her, then go get the sex? That is such a naive question. There are 100s of reasons why couples stay together yet go outside of marriage for sex. Eventually, we will divorce but that doesn't work for me right now.

And no, I don't have a don't ask, don't tell agreement, or any agreement at all. While she doesn't want sex, she still expects sexual monogamy. Yes, it's an insane situation that I put up with for too long, but now longer. It's really the best situation it can be at the moment. I don't bother her for sex, or act in any way towards her that is angry or resentful. She either chooses to be totally clueless, or she really is if she thinks I just gave up on sex because she did.

If you won't give your spouse sex, don't worry about them going elsewhere for it until the time they stop bothering you about yet seem to be a bit more pleasant for unexplained reasons.

Your tone reads to me as very "big man." I WILL get what I want. I WILL do what I want. If you're truly that big and bold why don't you TELL YOUR WIFE you're having sex with others? That would take real guts. Let her make an informed decision if SHE WANTS to stay married to you.

Because he’s a p@ssy that bangs broken women like himself and they validate each other’s selfish narcissistic behavior.

They are f@King shocked and turn into crying babies when the spouse eventually finds out (Because they always get too bold and eventually sloppy) and kicks them out. Ask me how I know ?

“Please don’t tell anyone. Don’t tell my family. Don’t tell our neighbors, friends. I love you. “. Blah blah f@cking blah

Real men do not behave that way or treat their families that way.

What do real men do? Just accept that their sex life is over and come to boards like this to complain and whine?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like sex. I will have sex. My wife has determined she no longer wants sex. Good for her. I don't accept her decision for the both of us. So I'll get sex elsewhere and there are so many people, men and women, in this situation that it's not hard to find.

As for, why don't I just divorce her, then go get the sex? That is such a naive question. There are 100s of reasons why couples stay together yet go outside of marriage for sex. Eventually, we will divorce but that doesn't work for me right now.

And no, I don't have a don't ask, don't tell agreement, or any agreement at all. While she doesn't want sex, she still expects sexual monogamy. Yes, it's an insane situation that I put up with for too long, but now longer. It's really the best situation it can be at the moment. I don't bother her for sex, or act in any way towards her that is angry or resentful. She either chooses to be totally clueless, or she really is if she thinks I just gave up on sex because she did.

If you won't give your spouse sex, don't worry about them going elsewhere for it until the time they stop bothering you about yet seem to be a bit more pleasant for unexplained reasons.

Maybe divorce would "work" for her right now, though, if she knew the truth. Why not tell her?

Trust me, it would NOT work for her right now. She knows there is no future in how things are but it's not enough to make a difference to her. The truth will come out at a more appropriate time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like sex. I will have sex. My wife has determined she no longer wants sex. Good for her. I don't accept her decision for the both of us. So I'll get sex elsewhere and there are so many people, men and women, in this situation that it's not hard to find.

As for, why don't I just divorce her, then go get the sex? That is such a naive question. There are 100s of reasons why couples stay together yet go outside of marriage for sex. Eventually, we will divorce but that doesn't work for me right now.

And no, I don't have a don't ask, don't tell agreement, or any agreement at all. While she doesn't want sex, she still expects sexual monogamy. Yes, it's an insane situation that I put up with for too long, but now longer. It's really the best situation it can be at the moment. I don't bother her for sex, or act in any way towards her that is angry or resentful. She either chooses to be totally clueless, or she really is if she thinks I just gave up on sex because she did.

If you won't give your spouse sex, don't worry about them going elsewhere for it until the time they stop bothering you about yet seem to be a bit more pleasant for unexplained reasons.

Here's what this says: "Me! Me me me me me! ME!"

Wonder why his wife doesn't find him appealing... he's clearly a selfless giver! I'm shocked!

/s

Yes, I know you would wish a sexless marriage on me. I don't expect any sympathy here from the women who are likely doing the same thing to their husbands.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn’t see it as cheating. For over two years my husband showed absolutely no interest in me as a person let alone as a wife and I did my best to attract him but nothing worked. After 14 years of marriage and three children I was desperately lonely and then I met a man at work who for a few months was just nice to me, just a business friend. We had intelligent adult conversations of which I had none at home. Eventually we had a relationship but I never felt like I was cheating because I wasn’t denying my spouse anything, I wasn’t taking something from him because nothing was there. That relationship eventually ended on good terms and when I became an empty nester the marriage ended though it had really ended years before that. I feel no guilt for what I did. I’m now in a very good relationship and I’m happy.

Since you are a woman, this is perfectly fine. In fact, you are a saint and a victim. No woman should be ignored or denied sex in her marriage and if she is, she is perfectly justified to go elsewhere. No need to reveal anything to him so he can make an informed decision.

The hypocrisy in this thread is incredible.

[Anonymous]

I could tell her but I don't for the same reason I go elsewhere for sex. To keep the peace. There isn't anything I can do to change her mind or re-spark her interest in sex. So I go out and quietly get it with someone in the same situation. It's not ideal but it's better than it was before where I was holding in a lot of resentment towards her. As for letting her make an informed decision to stay married? Are you kidding me? She knows everything she needs to know besides that I have an AP. She knows I still have a strong sex drive. She knows that she has decided to permanently end our sex life, something we once enjoyed. And we had a great sex life. She has decided to stay married in this situation and decided that I just need to deal with it, like it or not. I tried for years to let her know how this affects us, and our likely future. But she has zero interest in addressing it. It just isn't a problem to her. She has decided to stay married in this situation. I've decided to stay married to her and not bother her about our lack of sex life anymore. I NEVER mention anymore and she seems happy with how things are. Telling her about my AP and blowing things up is not a good decision FOR ME right now.

Fixed that for you. Your post is one long rationalization from a selfish liar. Tell her you have an AP and let her decide if she wants to stay married to you. Your posts make it pretty clear why she is not interested in sex WITH YOU.