Can someone explain the mindset of a cheater?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

never understood cheaters and judged them harshly until I became one myself. Life is complicated. Humans are imperfect and selfish. Initiating divorce is not nearly as easy as it looks on TV.

All I can say is don’t judge until you have walked in another’s shoes. Though that will fall on deaf ears on this sanctimonious forum where no one has ever done wrong.

I’ve learned in life to never say never.


Yup. I was cheated on several times and it was the worst, most devastating thing ever to me.

Then one time years later I cheated and it was like a light bulb went off in my head. Understanding it from the other side washed away so much hurt that I still carried from my partner's past cheating.

I can’t believe anyone who has been in a monogamous relationship and was cheated on would ever choose to inflict that pain on their partner and the family of their AP. There is nothing to excuse it, and rationalizing it just shows you are all about yourself. Massive character defect.

When children are involved it is even sicker.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Even those having a good sexual relationship can be married to people that cheat.

We had sex 3-4 times per week 26 years into marriage, if not more.

He had many issues. And I was horrified to find the health risk I was exposed to when I finally found out I was not in a monogamous relationship.

If you have sex with your spouse even once while having sex outside of your marriage, you are putting their health in danger.

And security/safety risk of your kids and spouse. You could have some Fatal Attraction crazy bitch or the husband of the wife you are f@cking exact revenge on you or your family.

But my own health was a biggie—somebody that has had 3-4 sexual relationships at 50 and never tested positive for HPV or any STD and then to have your spouse screwing, oral sex, prob some anal sex (I mean these women are off of Ashley Madison and such So prob use the “I have an IUD or I’m on the Pill BS and I’m clean) and then your spouse still continues to have sex with you never disclosing he has some skanks germs all over him.

Nice. Really nice

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not married, but I had broken up with two cheating boyfriends. The way I see it is cheating, physically or mentally, is essentially selfish and narcissistic, or more correctly is about power imbalance, it takes away choices from the partner. Whatever reasons you gave me, it's just excuse to make yourself feel in control. Taking away my freedom to make informed life decision, whether to leave you, or to consider polyamorous relationships, is what makes it unforgivable.

”is about power imbalance, it takes away choices from the partner......Taking away my freedom to make informed life decision.....”

That is the essence of why infidelity is deeply abusive and manipulative. And cowardly.

[Anonymous]

I didn’t see it as cheating. For over two years my husband showed absolutely no interest in me as a person let alone as a wife and I did my best to attract him but nothing worked. After 14 years of marriage and three children I was desperately lonely and then I met a man at work who for a few months was just nice to me, just a business friend. We had intelligent adult conversations of which I had none at home. Eventually we had a relationship but I never felt like I was cheating because I wasn’t denying my spouse anything, I wasn’t taking something from him because nothing was there. That relationship eventually ended on good terms and when I became an empty nester the marriage ended though it had really ended years before that. I feel no guilt for what I did. I’m now in a very good relationship and I’m happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn’t see it as cheating. For over two years my husband showed absolutely no interest in me as a person let alone as a wife and I did my best to attract him but nothing worked. After 14 years of marriage and three children I was desperately lonely and then I met a man at work who for a few months was just nice to me, just a business friend. We had intelligent adult conversations of which I had none at home. Eventually we had a relationship but I never felt like I was cheating because I wasn’t denying my spouse anything, I wasn’t taking something from him because nothing was there. That relationship eventually ended on good terms and when I became an empty nester the marriage ended though it had really ended years before that. I feel no guilt for what I did. I’m now in a very good relationship and I’m happy.

Was the man at work married too?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have never understood the emotional and intellectual circumstances that compel someone to have sex with someone who is not their significant other. The part I particularly don't understand is that they obviously know that sex outside of their relationship is not ok. They know it would mean the death of their relationship or in the least create significant problems for the foreseeable future. They know the lying and sneaking and betrayal will crush and devastated their partner.

Then...why do they do it? If they are out of love with their significant other, why do they not just end the relationship or take steps to do it? Then they can freely go and find someone else.

I've been cheated on. I've also cheated on many many boyfriends. Not the husband yet but hey, I'm not 90 yet, who knows what the future will bring. It was very traumatic to go through the adultery experience in marriage and it took easily 2+ years to get to normalcy. Coming out of it, I am still devoted to my family but a certain detachment has set in. I am still very fond of my husband and we have a good time together but at the end of the day I really see his separateness as a human being, and mine, too. And that is the same thing about adultery - at the end of the day, it has nothing to do with me. I didn't do anything to bring it on, it didn't reduce me as a person or a woman, and it doesn't really have to mean anything with regard to the relationship. We are parents and partners in the social and financial entity we've built; we are also friends who are fond of each other. And if I happen to cheat in future, it again will have nothing to do with any of this. It certainly doesn't mean I want to end the marital relationship - just like my husband's cheating didn't mean that he wanted to end it.

It was traumatic to go through it but I wouldn't call it the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I think if it's the worst thing that has happened to you, you are very lucky in that you have led a largely trouble-free life. Many other painful things in life are worse than this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not married, but I had broken up with two cheating boyfriends. The way I see it is cheating, physically or mentally, is essentially selfish and narcissistic, or more correctly is about power imbalance, it takes away choices from the partner. Whatever reasons you gave me, it's just excuse to make yourself feel in control. Taking away my freedom to make informed life decision, whether to leave you, or to consider polyamorous relationships, is what makes it unforgivable.

”is about power imbalance, it takes away choices from the partner......Taking away my freedom to make informed life decision.....”

That is the essence of why infidelity is deeply abusive and manipulative. And cowardly.

Yep. And what another pp just said about the health risks you are knowingly putting your spouse in who thinks they are in a monogamous relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have never understood the emotional and intellectual circumstances that compel someone to have sex with someone who is not their significant other. The part I particularly don't understand is that they obviously know that sex outside of their relationship is not ok. They know it would mean the death of their relationship or in the least create significant problems for the foreseeable future. They know the lying and sneaking and betrayal will crush and devastated their partner.

Then...why do they do it? If they are out of love with their significant other, why do they not just end the relationship or take steps to do it? Then they can freely go and find someone else.

I've been cheated on. I've also cheated on many many boyfriends. Not the husband yet but hey, I'm not 90 yet, who knows what the future will bring. It was very traumatic to go through the adultery experience in marriage and it took easily 2+ years to get to normalcy. Coming out of it, I am still devoted to my family but a certain detachment has set in. I am still very fond of my husband and we have a good time together but at the end of the day I really see his separateness as a human being, and mine, too. And that is the same thing about adultery - at the end of the day, it has nothing to do with me. I didn't do anything to bring it on, it didn't reduce me as a person or a woman, and it doesn't really have to mean anything with regard to the relationship. We are parents and partners in the social and financial entity we've built; we are also friends who are fond of each other. And if I happen to cheat in future, it again will have nothing to do with any of this. It certainly doesn't mean I want to end the marital relationship - just like my husband's cheating didn't mean that he wanted to end it.

It was traumatic to go through it but I wouldn't call it the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I think if it's the worst thing that has happened to you, you are very lucky in that you have led a largely trouble-free life. Many other painful things in life are worse than this.

That sounds like a typical take for somebody who came from an unstable and abusive home. It's not good or something to strive for but typical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have never understood the emotional and intellectual circumstances that compel someone to have sex with someone who is not their significant other. The part I particularly don't understand is that they obviously know that sex outside of their relationship is not ok. They know it would mean the death of their relationship or in the least create significant problems for the foreseeable future. They know the lying and sneaking and betrayal will crush and devastated their partner.

Then...why do they do it? If they are out of love with their significant other, why do they not just end the relationship or take steps to do it? Then they can freely go and find someone else.

I've been cheated on. I've also cheated on many many boyfriends. Not the husband yet but hey, I'm not 90 yet, who knows what the future will bring. It was very traumatic to go through the adultery experience in marriage and it took easily 2+ years to get to normalcy. Coming out of it, I am still devoted to my family but a certain detachment has set in. I am still very fond of my husband and we have a good time together but at the end of the day I really see his separateness as a human being, and mine, too. And that is the same thing about adultery - at the end of the day, it has nothing to do with me. I didn't do anything to bring it on, it didn't reduce me as a person or a woman, and it doesn't really have to mean anything with regard to the relationship. We are parents and partners in the social and financial entity we've built; we are also friends who are fond of each other. And if I happen to cheat in future, it again will have nothing to do with any of this. It certainly doesn't mean I want to end the marital relationship - just like my husband's cheating didn't mean that he wanted to end it.

It was traumatic to go through it but I wouldn't call it the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I think if it's the worst thing that has happened to you, you are very lucky in that you have led a largely trouble-free life. Many other painful things in life are worse than this.

You have zero self respect.

Some people are married for a full relationship —sexually, intimately, friendship, Monogamy, parents. When you lie and cheat, you are distrustful. There are certain people that have a high tolerance for being lied to, cheated on...a lot of the times they stay in denial for their comfortable home lifestyle and zero means to support themselves.

[Anonymous]

My husbands cheating did not mean he wanted to end the marriage. He fought and kicked and wept.

But, it certainly meant I wanted to end the relationship.

That woman is going to find her special spouse leaves her in a few years for a younger model. When the kids are gone most certainly

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have never understood the emotional and intellectual circumstances that compel someone to have sex with someone who is not their significant other. The part I particularly don't understand is that they obviously know that sex outside of their relationship is not ok. They know it would mean the death of their relationship or in the least create significant problems for the foreseeable future. They know the lying and sneaking and betrayal will crush and devastated their partner.

Then...why do they do it? If they are out of love with their significant other, why do they not just end the relationship or take steps to do it? Then they can freely go and find someone else.

I've been cheated on. I've also cheated on many many boyfriends. Not the husband yet but hey, I'm not 90 yet, who knows what the future will bring. It was very traumatic to go through the adultery experience in marriage and it took easily 2+ years to get to normalcy. Coming out of it, I am still devoted to my family but a certain detachment has set in. I am still very fond of my husband and we have a good time together but at the end of the day I really see his separateness as a human being, and mine, too. And that is the same thing about adultery - at the end of the day, it has nothing to do with me. I didn't do anything to bring it on, it didn't reduce me as a person or a woman, and it doesn't really have to mean anything with regard to the relationship. We are parents and partners in the social and financial entity we've built; we are also friends who are fond of each other. And if I happen to cheat in future, it again will have nothing to do with any of this. It certainly doesn't mean I want to end the marital relationship - just like my husband's cheating didn't mean that he wanted to end it.

It was traumatic to go through it but I wouldn't call it the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I think if it's the worst thing that has happened to you, you are very lucky in that you have led a largely trouble-free life. Many other painful things in life are worse than this.

That sounds like a typical take for somebody who came from an unstable and abusive home. It's not good or something to strive for but typical.

I thought the same. There is so much dysfunction in that post and it reeks with denial and lack of self respect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Even those having a good sexual relationship can be married to people that cheat.

We had sex 3-4 times per week 26 years into marriage, if not more.

He had many issues. And I was horrified to find the health risk I was exposed to when I finally found out I was not in a monogamous relationship.

If you have sex with your spouse even once while having sex outside of your marriage, you are putting their health in danger.

And security/safety risk of your kids and spouse. You could have some Fatal Attraction crazy bitch or the husband of the wife you are f@cking exact revenge on you or your family.

But my own health was a biggie—somebody that has had 3-4 sexual relationships at 50 and never tested positive for HPV or any STD and then to have your spouse screwing, oral sex, prob some anal sex (I mean these women are off of Ashley Madison and such So prob use the “I have an IUD or I’m on the Pill BS and I’m clean) and then your spouse still continues to have sex with you never disclosing he has some skanks germs all over him.

Nice. Really nice

Yeah. That’s just nasty. Some smeg and germs from people randomly picking up strangers on the Internet and knowingly infecting their clueless spouse who thinks they have monogamy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have never understood the emotional and intellectual circumstances that compel someone to have sex with someone who is not their significant other. The part I particularly don't understand is that they obviously know that sex outside of their relationship is not ok. They know it would mean the death of their relationship or in the least create significant problems for the foreseeable future. They know the lying and sneaking and betrayal will crush and devastated their partner.

Then...why do they do it? If they are out of love with their significant other, why do they not just end the relationship or take steps to do it? Then they can freely go and find someone else.

I've been cheated on. I've also cheated on many many boyfriends. Not the husband yet but hey, I'm not 90 yet, who knows what the future will bring. It was very traumatic to go through the adultery experience in marriage and it took easily 2+ years to get to normalcy. Coming out of it, I am still devoted to my family but a certain detachment has set in. I am still very fond of my husband and we have a good time together but at the end of the day I really see his separateness as a human being, and mine, too. And that is the same thing about adultery - at the end of the day, it has nothing to do with me. I didn't do anything to bring it on, it didn't reduce me as a person or a woman, and it doesn't really have to mean anything with regard to the relationship. We are parents and partners in the social and financial entity we've built; we are also friends who are fond of each other. And if I happen to cheat in future, it again will have nothing to do with any of this. It certainly doesn't mean I want to end the marital relationship - just like my husband's cheating didn't mean that he wanted to end it.

It was traumatic to go through it but I wouldn't call it the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I think if it's the worst thing that has happened to you, you are very lucky in that you have led a largely trouble-free life. Many other painful things in life are worse than this.

That sounds like a typical take for somebody who came from an unstable and abusive home. It's not good or something to strive for but typical.

I thought the same. There is so much dysfunction in that post and it reeks with denial and lack of self respect.

It's fake strength ... somebody who says they are strong because the abuse does not hurt them, they deeply want people to think they are in complete control and other people's actions don't affect them because they are so strong. It's sad. Strength is saying no more not taking abuse.

[Anonymous]

^100% it’s not being a doormat

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn’t see it as cheating. For over two years my husband showed absolutely no interest in me as a person let alone as a wife and I did my best to attract him but nothing worked. After 14 years of marriage and three children I was desperately lonely and then I met a man at work who for a few months was just nice to me, just a business friend. We had intelligent adult conversations of which I had none at home. Eventually we had a relationship but I never felt like I was cheating because I wasn’t denying my spouse anything, I wasn’t taking something from him because nothing was there. That relationship eventually ended on good terms and when I became an empty nester the marriage ended though it had really ended years before that. I feel no guilt for what I did. I’m now in a very good relationship and I’m happy.

Was the man at work married too?

No - he was single.