Husband leaves room to talk to MIL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your MIL is probably helping DH divorce you. He definitely needs to escape from your abusive, controlling, and psychotic behavior

You got all that from one post I made about telling my husband it make me feel weird that he walks away to take phone calls with his mom. Boy that's quite the leap to make off of one post and one request to my husband.

I totally got all that. They were ordering him track shoes so he could sprint away from you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have siblings OP? Do you not do things just with them?

My sisters and I and our mom sometimes have lunch and dinner together no husbands.

Husbands also can their moms and talk privately and visit them without the wives.

Ok but usually grown men don't have that much in common with their mom usually girls talk privately with mom about girly things and vice versa with guys and their dads. Also please give me an example of something a husband might want to talk to privately with his mom and not his wife? I usually don't hear grown men telling their mom their deepest darkest secrets

It's not an either or thing. Why can't you understand that? Why are you obsessed with the idea he is hiding something from you?

It's possible he talks privately to you and mom about the same subjects.
Though I suspect it's quite difficult to have any type of conversation with you.
Again this boils down to your insecurities in the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you have siblings OP? Do you not do things just with them?

My sisters and I and our mom sometimes have lunch and dinner together no husbands.

Husbands also can their moms and talk privately and visit them without the wives.

Yes i have one younger brother. Yes it's one thing having lunch or sinner together but his mom specifically singled me out and is making this a reoccurring every other Friday night thing. This isn't a hey I live far away I havent seen you in a while I wanna catch up just you. This is a explicit let's exclude your wife from a family dinner every other Friday. Didn't she ever stop and think her son may want to be with his wife on friday nights and not leave her? Also Friday night is date night. I feel like a doormat if I just constantly accept this treatment of exclusion. Like okay honey go out again while they all exclude me. To me it feels like they are saying she isn't "real" family so she gets left out. What happens when we have kids? Am I going to be expected to just sit back and be left alone with the kids and no help every other Friday while my husband goes back to his family of origin or will I suddenly be deemed good enough to come because I bore grandchildren for my MIL?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you experiencing a manic episode?

I suspect she's borderline more than bipolar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have siblings OP? Do you not do things just with them?

My sisters and I and our mom sometimes have lunch and dinner together no husbands.

Husbands also can their moms and talk privately and visit them without the wives.

Yes i have one younger brother. Yes it's one thing having lunch or sinner together but his mom specifically singled me out and is making this a reoccurring every other Friday night thing. This isn't a hey I live far away I havent seen you in a while I wanna catch up just you. This is a explicit let's exclude your wife from a family dinner every other Friday. Didn't she ever stop and think her son may want to be with his wife on friday nights and not leave her? Also Friday night is date night. I feel like a doormat if I just constantly accept this treatment of exclusion. Like okay honey go out again while they all exclude me. To me it feels like they are saying she isn't "real" family so she gets left out. What happens when we have kids? Am I going to be expected to just sit back and be left alone with the kids and no help every other Friday while my husband goes back to his family of origin or will I suddenly be deemed good enough to come because I bore grandchildren for my MIL?

If your replies here are an indication of how you behave with them I can see why they don't want you to come.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have siblings OP? Do you not do things just with them?

My sisters and I and our mom sometimes have lunch and dinner together no husbands.

Husbands also can their moms and talk privately and visit them without the wives.

Ok but usually grown men don't have that much in common with their mom usually girls talk privately with mom about girly things and vice versa with guys and their dads. Also please give me an example of something a husband might want to talk to privately with his mom and not his wife? I usually don't hear grown men telling their mom their deepest darkest secrets

It's not an either or thing. Why can't you understand that? Why are you obsessed with the idea he is hiding something from you?

It's possible he talks privately to you and mom about the same subjects.
Though I suspect it's quite difficult to have any type of conversation with you.
Again this boils down to your insecurities in the relationship.

Ok but if he is telling me too why does he need to walk away to do it and do it privately with his mom? I dunno my mom and dad have a very happy marriage of almost 35 years and whenever my maternal grandma called my dad always included my mother in conversations and my mom was treated like a daughter by her mil and she talked on the phone as well. I mean I am also this women's DIL maybe I wanna talk to her too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have siblings OP? Do you not do things just with them?

My sisters and I and our mom sometimes have lunch and dinner together no husbands.

Husbands also can their moms and talk privately and visit them without the wives.

Yes i have one younger brother. Yes it's one thing having lunch or sinner together but his mom specifically singled me out and is making this a reoccurring every other Friday night thing. This isn't a hey I live far away I havent seen you in a while I wanna catch up just you. This is a explicit let's exclude your wife from a family dinner every other Friday. Didn't she ever stop and think her son may want to be with his wife on friday nights and not leave her? Also Friday night is date night. I feel like a doormat if I just constantly accept this treatment of exclusion. Like okay honey go out again while they all exclude me. To me it feels like they are saying she isn't "real" family so she gets left out. What happens when we have kids? Am I going to be expected to just sit back and be left alone with the kids and no help every other Friday while my husband goes back to his family of origin or will I suddenly be deemed good enough to come because I bore grandchildren for my MIL?

If your replies here are an indication of how you behave with them I can see why they don't want you to come.

You never answered any of my questions though. What about if we have kids? What about MIL not stopping to think maybe her son doesn't want to leave his wife every other Friday. There is no consideration by mil for my feelings at all. Or maybe I respond like this because they exclude me. C'mon I can't take 100% of the blame here. If I posted as my MIL here I can guarantee the responses would not be supporting me but instead saying you can't expect your son to leave his wife out of family conversations and they are married you can't exclude his wife every other weekend she is his main family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have siblings OP? Do you not do things just with them?

My sisters and I and our mom sometimes have lunch and dinner together no husbands.

Husbands also can their moms and talk privately and visit them without the wives.

Ok but usually grown men don't have that much in common with their mom usually girls talk privately with mom about girly things and vice versa with guys and their dads. Also please give me an example of something a husband might want to talk to privately with his mom and not his wife? I usually don't hear grown men telling their mom their deepest darkest secrets

It's not an either or thing. Why can't you understand that? Why are you obsessed with the idea he is hiding something from you?

It's possible he talks privately to you and mom about the same subjects.
Though I suspect it's quite difficult to have any type of conversation with you.
Again this boils down to your insecurities in the relationship.

Ok but if he is telling me too why does he need to walk away to do it and do it privately with his mom? I dunno my mom and dad have a very happy marriage of almost 35 years and whenever my maternal grandma called my dad always included my mother in conversations and my mom was treated like a daughter by her mil and she talked on the phone as well. I mean I am also this women's DIL maybe I wanna talk to her too.

Your mom was abusive and controlling too. This makes sense you don't have a healthy model.

If you want to talk to your MIL so badly call her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have siblings OP? Do you not do things just with them?

My sisters and I and our mom sometimes have lunch and dinner together no husbands.

Husbands also can their moms and talk privately and visit them without the wives.

Yes i have one younger brother. Yes it's one thing having lunch or sinner together but his mom specifically singled me out and is making this a reoccurring every other Friday night thing. This isn't a hey I live far away I havent seen you in a while I wanna catch up just you. This is a explicit let's exclude your wife from a family dinner every other Friday. Didn't she ever stop and think her son may want to be with his wife on friday nights and not leave her? Also Friday night is date night. I feel like a doormat if I just constantly accept this treatment of exclusion. Like okay honey go out again while they all exclude me. To me it feels like they are saying she isn't "real" family so she gets left out. What happens when we have kids? Am I going to be expected to just sit back and be left alone with the kids and no help every other Friday while my husband goes back to his family of origin or will I suddenly be deemed good enough to come because I bore grandchildren for my MIL?

If your replies here are an indication of how you behave with them I can see why they don't want you to come.

You never answered any of my questions though. What about if we have kids? What about MIL not stopping to think maybe her son doesn't want to leave his wife every other Friday. There is no consideration by mil for my feelings at all. Or maybe I respond like this because they exclude me. C'mon I can't take 100% of the blame here. If I posted as my MIL here I can guarantee the responses would not be supporting me but instead saying you can't expect your son to leave his wife out of family conversations and they are married you can't exclude his wife every other weekend she is his main family

I did answer your question. You sound like a nightmare, and make it difficult for your husband to have a relationship with his family. I suspect that you talk over him and answer for him.

They realize he's in an abusive relationship, but don't know how to deal with it.

[Anonymous]

OP is your husband allowed to talk to anyone outside of your presence?

[Anonymous]

soexcited123 wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

soexcited123 wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my mom calls I usually leave the room unless I'm in the middle of a project that can only be done in that room (like if I'm cooking I stay in the kitchen). I figure my wife will find it easier to read, watch TV, listen to music, whatever else she was doing. If my mom called with a question that involves my my wife (like when we're free to get together) or something else my wife needs to know about right away, I'll come back out and tell her.

My wife calls her parents almost every day when walking to the metro. If I'm ready at the same time we'll both be there when she calls; if we walk separately I don't care if she talks to her parents without me. I trust her. If I'm bugging her and she wants to tell her parents that, it's ok with me, though I don't think that's what they spend most of their time discussing! Besides, if my wife were keeping a big secret from me, I doubt she'd tell her parents about it.

I guess it's a worry that my husband is confiding in his mom about an issue we are having in our marriage and I would rather him go to me about it or an unbiased party such as a counselor. I like to keep any issues between us. Yes before anyone asks I apply the same rule for myself as well. I don't confide in my parents or ask for advice about issues in our marriage

As a former MIL (my son has been divorced for five years) I can tell you what they are talking about: You.

You might think this is inappropriate or whatever but you know why he's doing it. There are issues in the marriage and much as you would wish he would just address them with you he has decided to confide in his mother and get counsel from her.

So, there you go. Good luck.

Also, I forgot to add you would sit there bad mouthing your DIL. How nice. Why didn't you tell your son he should be working it out with his wife. I can't believe you really think its acceptable for a grown man to ryn to mommy when he is having marital issues. Again what if his wife wishes to keep those issues private. Of course you are going to be biased towards your own son. How is that helpful for a marriage to go to a biased party. I am truly shocked how many people on here thinks its ok to run to parents when you're upset with your spouse.

Blame me if you want but my ex DIL was almost as nuts as you are. My son waited way too long to divorce her. He did not call me much when they were married, more towards the end. His wife would literally stand in the doorway, arms folded, bitch look on her face, whenever he did try to have a normal mom-son conversation with me on the phone. Sound familiar? After the divorce we talked a lot more. He is now happier than he has been in many years, having a very nice life. So I know there is hope for your husband. There's hope for you too if you can just get off his back and get some therapy.

[Anonymous]

soexcited123 wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's incredibly rude to have a conversation on the phone with someone else in the room, and it's beyond rude to listen in on someone's conversation. So most normal people leave the room when they're on the phone.

Marriage doesn't mean you cease to be able to have your own relationship with your family of origin. My husband has his relationship with his parents, I in turn have a separate, different relationship with them. He has his own relationship with my mother, I have mine. What he's not entitled to is MY relationship with my mother, which you seem to think is fair game after marriage. It's not.

You sre misquoting me where did you get that I was saying marriage means you don't have a relationship with your family of origin? Or what do you mean by me thinking I'm entitled to his relationship with his mother? Yes I think he shouldn't be confiding in his mother about things and hiding them or not telling me. I don't know what is so serious or deep in the mother son relationship that they need this big private convo. What do they talk about? Maybe this also has to do with the fact even after we got engaged she planned a family vacay and specifically told my fiance not to bring me never addressed my name on any xmas cards to him or made me feel welcome into the family.

Haven't you watched Game of Thrones?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have siblings OP? Do you not do things just with them?

My sisters and I and our mom sometimes have lunch and dinner together no husbands.

Husbands also can their moms and talk privately and visit them without the wives.

Ok but usually grown men don't have that much in common with their mom usually girls talk privately with mom about girly things and vice versa with guys and their dads. Also please give me an example of something a husband might want to talk to privately with his mom and not his wife? I usually don't hear grown men telling their mom their deepest darkest secrets

It's not an either or thing. Why can't you understand that? Why are you obsessed with the idea he is hiding something from you?

It's possible he talks privately to you and mom about the same subjects.
Though I suspect it's quite difficult to have any type of conversation with you.
Again this boils down to your insecurities in the relationship.

Ok but if he is telling me too why does he need to walk away to do it and do it privately with his mom? I dunno my mom and dad have a very happy marriage of almost 35 years and whenever my maternal grandma called my dad always included my mother in conversations and my mom was treated like a daughter by her mil and she talked on the phone as well. I mean I am also this women's DIL maybe I wanna talk to her too.

Your mom was abusive and controlling too. This makes sense you don't have a healthy model.

If you want to talk to your MIL so badly call her.

What? So quick to pull out the abusive label. There are plenty of couples who talk to family members together. My parents are an extremely functional and happy couple. They just happened to call family together how does that make my mom abusive? My maternal grandmother loved my mom like a daughter. My mom never asked this of my dad and he just naturally happened to never walk away it was just the dynamics of their relationship with each other and his mom. I'm so confused how you can possibly get my mom was abusive out of that. Just because thats not what you do in your marriage doesn't my make mom abusive. Different ways of being in a relationship \: abusive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

soexcited123 wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

soexcited123 wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my mom calls I usually leave the room unless I'm in the middle of a project that can only be done in that room (like if I'm cooking I stay in the kitchen). I figure my wife will find it easier to read, watch TV, listen to music, whatever else she was doing. If my mom called with a question that involves my my wife (like when we're free to get together) or something else my wife needs to know about right away, I'll come back out and tell her.

My wife calls her parents almost every day when walking to the metro. If I'm ready at the same time we'll both be there when she calls; if we walk separately I don't care if she talks to her parents without me. I trust her. If I'm bugging her and she wants to tell her parents that, it's ok with me, though I don't think that's what they spend most of their time discussing! Besides, if my wife were keeping a big secret from me, I doubt she'd tell her parents about it.

I guess it's a worry that my husband is confiding in his mom about an issue we are having in our marriage and I would rather him go to me about it or an unbiased party such as a counselor. I like to keep any issues between us. Yes before anyone asks I apply the same rule for myself as well. I don't confide in my parents or ask for advice about issues in our marriage

As a former MIL (my son has been divorced for five years) I can tell you what they are talking about: You.

You might think this is inappropriate or whatever but you know why he's doing it. There are issues in the marriage and much as you would wish he would just address them with you he has decided to confide in his mother and get counsel from her.

So, there you go. Good luck.

Also, I forgot to add you would sit there bad mouthing your DIL. How nice. Why didn't you tell your son he should be working it out with his wife. I can't believe you really think its acceptable for a grown man to ryn to mommy when he is having marital issues. Again what if his wife wishes to keep those issues private. Of course you are going to be biased towards your own son. How is that helpful for a marriage to go to a biased party. I am truly shocked how many people on here thinks its ok to run to parents when you're upset with your spouse.

Blame me if you want but my ex DIL was almost as nuts as you are. My son waited way too long to divorce her. He did not call me much when they were married, more towards the end. His wife would literally stand in the doorway, arms folded, bitch look on her face, whenever he did try to have a normal mom-son conversation with me on the phone. Sound familiar? After the divorce we talked a lot more. He is now happier than he has been in many years, having a very nice life. So I know there is hope for your husband. There's hope for you too if you can just get off his back and get some therapy.

It seems like something is missing to the story here. In order for you to know your ex-DIL did those things your son would have to be telling you meaning he was going to you about their marital issues. You weren't there are the time in the marriage so you can't necessarily lie the blame solely on your ex-DIL. Somehow I have an inkling she adopted that attitude because your son was already going to you about their marital problems but you're leaving that out of the story. Somehow I have a feeling it wasn't just a simple mother son convo about what is going on in his life. Of course your son isn't going to tell you about the times he messed up in the marriage. Can't stand parents who automatically think their precious son is automatically 100% innocent and the evil bad DIL is stealing my baby boy and she is 100% to blame. That story is as old as time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have siblings OP? Do you not do things just with them?

My sisters and I and our mom sometimes have lunch and dinner together no husbands.

Husbands also can their moms and talk privately and visit them without the wives.

Yes i have one younger brother. Yes it's one thing having lunch or sinner together but his mom specifically singled me out and is making this a reoccurring every other Friday night thing. This isn't a hey I live far away I havent seen you in a while I wanna catch up just you. This is a explicit let's exclude your wife from a family dinner every other Friday. Didn't she ever stop and think her son may want to be with his wife on friday nights and not leave her? Also Friday night is date night. I feel like a doormat if I just constantly accept this treatment of exclusion. Like okay honey go out again while they all exclude me. To me it feels like they are saying she isn't "real" family so she gets left out. What happens when we have kids? Am I going to be expected to just sit back and be left alone with the kids and no help every other Friday while my husband goes back to his family of origin or will I suddenly be deemed good enough to come because I bore grandchildren for my MIL?

If your replies here are an indication of how you behave with them I can see why they don't want you to come.

You never answered any of my questions though. What about if we have kids? What about MIL not stopping to think maybe her son doesn't want to leave his wife every other Friday. There is no consideration by mil for my feelings at all. Or maybe I respond like this because they exclude me. C'mon I can't take 100% of the blame here. If I posted as my MIL here I can guarantee the responses would not be supporting me but instead saying you can't expect your son to leave his wife out of family conversations and they are married you can't exclude his wife every other weekend she is his main family

I did answer your question. You sound like a nightmare, and make it difficult for your husband to have a relationship with his family. I suspect that you talk over him and answer for him.

They realize he's in an abusive relationship, but don't know how to deal with it.

What do you mean by I talk over him and answer for him? Please explain what you mean. Did you ever think maybe my in laws excluding me is the reason for my behavior? I don't know why all the blame automatically lies on me you aren't there so you can't act like they are 100% innocent while im 100% wrong. Growing up my parents were never left out of family functions with in laws on either side.

I already gave some specific examples of ways his family excludes me. It isn't a one off thing. It is constant. MIL has never invited just me out for a girls day or made me feel welcome like the bday thing for example. This just isn't a normal way for a MIL to make a DIL feel welcome into the family by acting like her family of origin hasn't grown and that her son doesn't have a family of his own. In marriage you leave and cleave and forsake all others. If this was a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship of 2 years then yes it would be out of line to expect this but that is what makes a marriage different than that is you are now family.

Again like I mentioned before somehow I think once my husband and I have children MIL is the type of person who will suddenly want me around because I would have provided her with grandchildren. But I can guarantee one thing if she can't respect and include me now then those grandchildren won't be coming around her.

I refuse to bring my children around toxic people family or not who don't respect me and my role in my husband's life. I am more than an incubator and I'm not going to play the fool. If I'm not good enough to be included in their little family now I'm not good enough once I have children. So really mil is shooting herself in the foot. Seeing grandchildren as far as I'm concerned is a privilege not a right.