Husband leaves room to talk to MIL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

soexcited123 wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's incredibly rude to have a conversation on the phone with someone else in the room, and it's beyond rude to listen in on someone's conversation. So most normal people leave the room when they're on the phone.

Marriage doesn't mean you cease to be able to have your own relationship with your family of origin. My husband has his relationship with his parents, I in turn have a separate, different relationship with them. He has his own relationship with my mother, I have mine. What he's not entitled to is MY relationship with my mother, which you seem to think is fair game after marriage. It's not.

You sre misquoting me where did you get that I was saying marriage means you don't have a relationship with your family of origin? Or what do you mean by me thinking I'm entitled to his relationship with his mother? Yes I think he shouldn't be confiding in his mother about things and hiding them or not telling me. I don't know what is so serious or deep in the mother son relationship that they need this big private convo. What do they talk about? Maybe this also has to do with the fact even after we got engaged she planned a family vacay and specifically told my fiance not to bring me never addressed my name on any xmas cards to him or made me feel welcome into the family.

Haven't you watched Game of Thrones?

No.. But have you ever seen the show on Netflix dead to me? There is a really nasty MIL that reminds of my MIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have siblings OP? Do you not do things just with them?

My sisters and I and our mom sometimes have lunch and dinner together no husbands.

Husbands also can their moms and talk privately and visit them without the wives.

Ok but usually grown men don't have that much in common with their mom usually girls talk privately with mom about girly things and vice versa with guys and their dads. Also please give me an example of something a husband might want to talk to privately with his mom and not his wife? I usually don't hear grown men telling their mom their deepest darkest secrets

It's not an either or thing. Why can't you understand that? Why are you obsessed with the idea he is hiding something from you?

It's possible he talks privately to you and mom about the same subjects.
Though I suspect it's quite difficult to have any type of conversation with you.
Again this boils down to your insecurities in the relationship.

Ok but if he is telling me too why does he need to walk away to do it and do it privately with his mom? I dunno my mom and dad have a very happy marriage of almost 35 years and whenever my maternal grandma called my dad always included my mother in conversations and my mom was treated like a daughter by her mil and she talked on the phone as well. I mean I am also this women's DIL maybe I wanna talk to her too.

Your mom was abusive and controlling too. This makes sense you don't have a healthy model.

If you want to talk to your MIL so badly call her.

What? So quick to pull out the abusive label. There are plenty of couples who talk to family members together. My parents are an extremely functional and happy couple. They just happened to call family together how does that make my mom abusive? My maternal grandmother loved my mom like a daughter. My mom never asked this of my dad and he just naturally happened to never walk away it was just the dynamics of their relationship with each other and his mom. I'm so confused how you can possibly get my mom was abusive out of that. Just because thats not what you do in your marriage doesn't my make mom abusive. Different ways of being in a relationship \: abusive.

I bet my lottery winnings your mother is emotionally abusive.

But let's set that aside. You admit every couple has their own dynamics.

You and your DH are not your parents. You have no right to decide that their model is how your relationship with DH will function.
You and DH have to create that on your own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have siblings OP? Do you not do things just with them?

My sisters and I and our mom sometimes have lunch and dinner together no husbands.

Husbands also can their moms and talk privately and visit them without the wives.

Yes i have one younger brother. Yes it's one thing having lunch or sinner together but his mom specifically singled me out and is making this a reoccurring every other Friday night thing. This isn't a hey I live far away I havent seen you in a while I wanna catch up just you. This is a explicit let's exclude your wife from a family dinner every other Friday. Didn't she ever stop and think her son may want to be with his wife on friday nights and not leave her? Also Friday night is date night. I feel like a doormat if I just constantly accept this treatment of exclusion. Like okay honey go out again while they all exclude me. To me it feels like they are saying she isn't "real" family so she gets left out. What happens when we have kids? Am I going to be expected to just sit back and be left alone with the kids and no help every other Friday while my husband goes back to his family of origin or will I suddenly be deemed good enough to come because I bore grandchildren for my MIL?

If your replies here are an indication of how you behave with them I can see why they don't want you to come.

You never answered any of my questions though. What about if we have kids? What about MIL not stopping to think maybe her son doesn't want to leave his wife every other Friday. There is no consideration by mil for my feelings at all. Or maybe I respond like this because they exclude me. C'mon I can't take 100% of the blame here. If I posted as my MIL here I can guarantee the responses would not be supporting me but instead saying you can't expect your son to leave his wife out of family conversations and they are married you can't exclude his wife every other weekend she is his main family

I did answer your question. You sound like a nightmare, and make it difficult for your husband to have a relationship with his family. I suspect that you talk over him and answer for him.

They realize he's in an abusive relationship, but don't know how to deal with it.

What do you mean by I talk over him and answer for him? Please explain what you mean. Did you ever think maybe my in laws excluding me is the reason for my behavior? I don't know why all the blame automatically lies on me you aren't there so you can't act like they are 100% innocent while im 100% wrong. Growing up my parents were never left out of family functions with in laws on either side.

I already gave some specific examples of ways his family excludes me. It isn't a one off thing. It is constant. MIL has never invited just me out for a girls day or made me feel welcome like the bday thing for example. This just isn't a normal way for a MIL to make a DIL feel welcome into the family by acting like her family of origin hasn't grown and that her son doesn't have a family of his own. In marriage you leave and cleave and forsake all others. If this was a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship of 2 years then yes it would be out of line to expect this but that is what makes a marriage different than that is you are now family.

Again like I mentioned before somehow I think once my husband and I have children MIL is the type of person who will suddenly want me around because I would have provided her with grandchildren. But I can guarantee one thing if she can't respect and include me now then those grandchildren won't be coming around her.

I refuse to bring my children around toxic people family or not who don't respect me and my role in my husband's life. I am more than an incubator and I'm not going to play the fool. If I'm not good enough to be included in their little family now I'm not good enough once I have children. So really mil is shooting herself in the foot. Seeing grandchildren as far as I'm concerned is a privilege not a right.

Talk over him means just that, if they ask him a question do you answer for him?

Can your DH have an opinion that differs from yours?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have siblings OP? Do you not do things just with them?

My sisters and I and our mom sometimes have lunch and dinner together no husbands.

Husbands also can their moms and talk privately and visit them without the wives.

Yes i have one younger brother. Yes it's one thing having lunch or sinner together but his mom specifically singled me out and is making this a reoccurring every other Friday night thing. This isn't a hey I live far away I havent seen you in a while I wanna catch up just you. This is a explicit let's exclude your wife from a family dinner every other Friday. Didn't she ever stop and think her son may want to be with his wife on friday nights and not leave her? Also Friday night is date night. I feel like a doormat if I just constantly accept this treatment of exclusion. Like okay honey go out again while they all exclude me. To me it feels like they are saying she isn't "real" family so she gets left out. What happens when we have kids? Am I going to be expected to just sit back and be left alone with the kids and no help every other Friday while my husband goes back to his family of origin or will I suddenly be deemed good enough to come because I bore grandchildren for my MIL?

If your replies here are an indication of how you behave with them I can see why they don't want you to come.

You never answered any of my questions though. What about if we have kids? What about MIL not stopping to think maybe her son doesn't want to leave his wife every other Friday. There is no consideration by mil for my feelings at all. Or maybe I respond like this because they exclude me. C'mon I can't take 100% of the blame here. If I posted as my MIL here I can guarantee the responses would not be supporting me but instead saying you can't expect your son to leave his wife out of family conversations and they are married you can't exclude his wife every other weekend she is his main family

I did answer your question. You sound like a nightmare, and make it difficult for your husband to have a relationship with his family. I suspect that you talk over him and answer for him.

They realize he's in an abusive relationship, but don't know how to deal with it.

What do you mean by I talk over him and answer for him? Please explain what you mean. Did you ever think maybe my in laws excluding me is the reason for my behavior? I don't know why all the blame automatically lies on me you aren't there so you can't act like they are 100% innocent while im 100% wrong. Growing up my parents were never left out of family functions with in laws on either side.

I already gave some specific examples of ways his family excludes me. It isn't a one off thing. It is constant. MIL has never invited just me out for a girls day or made me feel welcome like the bday thing for example. This just isn't a normal way for a MIL to make a DIL feel welcome into the family by acting like her family of origin hasn't grown and that her son doesn't have a family of his own. In marriage you leave and cleave and forsake all others. If this was a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship of 2 years then yes it would be out of line to expect this but that is what makes a marriage different than that is you are now family.

Again like I mentioned before somehow I think once my husband and I have children MIL is the type of person who will suddenly want me around because I would have provided her with grandchildren. But I can guarantee one thing if she can't respect and include me now then those grandchildren won't be coming around her.

I refuse to bring my children around toxic people family or not who don't respect me and my role in my husband's life. I am more than an incubator and I'm not going to play the fool. If I'm not good enough to be included in their little family now I'm not good enough once I have children. So really mil is shooting herself in the foot. Seeing grandchildren as far as I'm concerned is a privilege not a right.

You sound nuttier and nuttier with each post. Please don't have children. Although hopefully your DH will have divorced you before then. Reread your post, you're going to keep your children away from THEIR GRANDMOTHER because she doesn't take you out for spa days, she wants one on one time with her son, and her son talks to her privately. If you really don't want your kid around toxic people, don't have them. While I don't think you share 100% of the blame, you do seem to be overreacting, overreaching, and unabl eto see things beyond black and white. Please get help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have siblings OP? Do you not do things just with them?

My sisters and I and our mom sometimes have lunch and dinner together no husbands.

Husbands also can their moms and talk privately and visit them without the wives.

Yes i have one younger brother. Yes it's one thing having lunch or sinner together but his mom specifically singled me out and is making this a reoccurring every other Friday night thing. This isn't a hey I live far away I havent seen you in a while I wanna catch up just you. This is a explicit let's exclude your wife from a family dinner every other Friday. Didn't she ever stop and think her son may want to be with his wife on friday nights and not leave her? Also Friday night is date night. I feel like a doormat if I just constantly accept this treatment of exclusion. Like okay honey go out again while they all exclude me. To me it feels like they are saying she isn't "real" family so she gets left out. What happens when we have kids? Am I going to be expected to just sit back and be left alone with the kids and no help every other Friday while my husband goes back to his family of origin or will I suddenly be deemed good enough to come because I bore grandchildren for my MIL?

If your replies here are an indication of how you behave with them I can see why they don't want you to come.

You never answered any of my questions though. What about if we have kids? What about MIL not stopping to think maybe her son doesn't want to leave his wife every other Friday. There is no consideration by mil for my feelings at all. Or maybe I respond like this because they exclude me. C'mon I can't take 100% of the blame here. If I posted as my MIL here I can guarantee the responses would not be supporting me but instead saying you can't expect your son to leave his wife out of family conversations and they are married you can't exclude his wife every other weekend she is his main family

I did answer your question. You sound like a nightmare, and make it difficult for your husband to have a relationship with his family. I suspect that you talk over him and answer for him.

They realize he's in an abusive relationship, but don't know how to deal with it.

What do you mean by I talk over him and answer for him? Please explain what you mean. Did you ever think maybe my in laws excluding me is the reason for my behavior? I don't know why all the blame automatically lies on me you aren't there so you can't act like they are 100% innocent while im 100% wrong. Growing up my parents were never left out of family functions with in laws on either side.

I already gave some specific examples of ways his family excludes me. It isn't a one off thing. It is constant. MIL has never invited just me out for a girls day or made me feel welcome like the bday thing for example. This just isn't a normal way for a MIL to make a DIL feel welcome into the family by acting like her family of origin hasn't grown and that her son doesn't have a family of his own. In marriage you leave and cleave and forsake all others. If this was a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship of 2 years then yes it would be out of line to expect this but that is what makes a marriage different than that is you are now family.

Again like I mentioned before somehow I think once my husband and I have children MIL is the type of person who will suddenly want me around because I would have provided her with grandchildren. But I can guarantee one thing if she can't respect and include me now then those grandchildren won't be coming around her.

I refuse to bring my children around toxic people family or not who don't respect me and my role in my husband's life. I am more than an incubator and I'm not going to play the fool. If I'm not good enough to be included in their little family now I'm not good enough once I have children. So really mil is shooting herself in the foot. Seeing grandchildren as far as I'm concerned is a privilege not a right.

Here's.whst I see as problems.
You are never wrong.
You only consider your perspective and feelings, how things impact you.
You are vengeful.
You are controlling.
You lash out at anyone not agreeing with you.
Rather than take the feedback and perspective that had been shared you launch into explanations on why that's wrong and you are right.

[Anonymous]

Why do you expect your MIL to throw you a birthday party?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have siblings OP? Do you not do things just with them?

My sisters and I and our mom sometimes have lunch and dinner together no husbands.

Husbands also can their moms and talk privately and visit them without the wives.

Ok but usually grown men don't have that much in common with their mom usually girls talk privately with mom about girly things and vice versa with guys and their dads. Also please give me an example of something a husband might want to talk to privately with his mom and not his wife? I usually don't hear grown men telling their mom their deepest darkest secrets

It's not an either or thing. Why can't you understand that? Why are you obsessed with the idea he is hiding something from you?

It's possible he talks privately to you and mom about the same subjects.
Though I suspect it's quite difficult to have any type of conversation with you.
Again this boils down to your insecurities in the relationship.

Ok but if he is telling me too why does he need to walk away to do it and do it privately with his mom? I dunno my mom and dad have a very happy marriage of almost 35 years and whenever my maternal grandma called my dad always included my mother in conversations and my mom was treated like a daughter by her mil and she talked on the phone as well. I mean I am also this women's DIL maybe I wanna talk to her too.

Your mom was abusive and controlling too. This makes sense you don't have a healthy model.

If you want to talk to your MIL so badly call her.

What? So quick to pull out the abusive label. There are plenty of couples who talk to family members together. My parents are an extremely functional and happy couple. They just happened to call family together how does that make my mom abusive? My maternal grandmother loved my mom like a daughter. My mom never asked this of my dad and he just naturally happened to never walk away it was just the dynamics of their relationship with each other and his mom. I'm so confused how you can possibly get my mom was abusive out of that. Just because thats not what you do in your marriage doesn't my make mom abusive. Different ways of being in a relationship \: abusive.

I bet my lottery winnings your mother is emotionally abusive.

But let's set that aside. You admit every couple has their own dynamics.

You and your DH are not your parents. You have no right to decide that their model is how your relationship with DH will function.
You and DH have to create that on your own.

I just think the abusive label is a serious thing to accuse someone of and you should have some evidence practically staring you in the face to accuse someone of being abusive. Please tell me how you can come to the conclusion my mom was emotionally abusive by me stating that they talked on the phone together with my grandma. My dad's mom and my mom were always super close and my dad's mom loved her like a daughter. Don't you dare call my mom abusive when you don't have any actual facts to back up your claim.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do you expect your MIL to throw you a birthday party?

Wow way to twist my words. I never said I expected my MIL to throw me a bday party I said I want acknowledgement of my bday that's a far cry from saying I want a bday party. Acknowledgement could be anything from a text to a card. Yes if every other member even extended family such as nieces and nephews that she sees literally once a year get acknowledged then I feel I should be too. You treat family as equal not just leaving out one member. My mom always texts my husband and even sends a gift on his bday. I don't even expect a gift just a freaking text or a card

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you expect your MIL to throw you a birthday party?

Wow way to twist my words. I never said I expected my MIL to throw me a bday party I said I want acknowledgement of my bday that's a far cry from saying I want a bday party. Acknowledgement could be anything from a text to a card. Yes if every other member even extended family such as nieces and nephews that she sees literally once a year get acknowledged then I feel I should be too. You treat family as equal not just leaving out one member. My mom always texts my husband and even sends a gift on his bday. I don't even expect a gift just a freaking text or a card

I think that's an unreasonable expectation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have siblings OP? Do you not do things just with them?

My sisters and I and our mom sometimes have lunch and dinner together no husbands.

Husbands also can their moms and talk privately and visit them without the wives.

Ok but usually grown men don't have that much in common with their mom usually girls talk privately with mom about girly things and vice versa with guys and their dads. Also please give me an example of something a husband might want to talk to privately with his mom and not his wife? I usually don't hear grown men telling their mom their deepest darkest secrets

It's not an either or thing. Why can't you understand that? Why are you obsessed with the idea he is hiding something from you?

It's possible he talks privately to you and mom about the same subjects.
Though I suspect it's quite difficult to have any type of conversation with you.
Again this boils down to your insecurities in the relationship.

Ok but if he is telling me too why does he need to walk away to do it and do it privately with his mom? I dunno my mom and dad have a very happy marriage of almost 35 years and whenever my maternal grandma called my dad always included my mother in conversations and my mom was treated like a daughter by her mil and she talked on the phone as well. I mean I am also this women's DIL maybe I wanna talk to her too.

Your mom was abusive and controlling too. This makes sense you don't have a healthy model.

If you want to talk to your MIL so badly call her.

What? So quick to pull out the abusive label. There are plenty of couples who talk to family members together. My parents are an extremely functional and happy couple. They just happened to call family together how does that make my mom abusive? My maternal grandmother loved my mom like a daughter. My mom never asked this of my dad and he just naturally happened to never walk away it was just the dynamics of their relationship with each other and his mom. I'm so confused how you can possibly get my mom was abusive out of that. Just because thats not what you do in your marriage doesn't my make mom abusive. Different ways of being in a relationship \: abusive.

I bet my lottery winnings your mother is emotionally abusive.

But let's set that aside. You admit every couple has their own dynamics.

You and your DH are not your parents. You have no right to decide that their model is how your relationship with DH will function.
You and DH have to create that on your own.

I just think the abusive label is a serious thing to accuse someone of and you should have some evidence practically staring you in the face to accuse someone of being abusive. Please tell me how you can come to the conclusion my mom was emotionally abusive by me stating that they talked on the phone together with my grandma. My dad's mom and my mom were always super close and my dad's mom loved her like a daughter. Don't you dare call my mom abusive when you don't have any actual facts to back up your claim.

Yes abuse is a serious thing. I was and am not joking when I said it.
Whether you realize it or not your behavior is abusive.
Abusive behavior is very frequently learned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have siblings OP? Do you not do things just with them?

My sisters and I and our mom sometimes have lunch and dinner together no husbands.

Husbands also can their moms and talk privately and visit them without the wives.

Yes i have one younger brother. Yes it's one thing having lunch or sinner together but his mom specifically singled me out and is making this a reoccurring every other Friday night thing. This isn't a hey I live far away I havent seen you in a while I wanna catch up just you. This is a explicit let's exclude your wife from a family dinner every other Friday. Didn't she ever stop and think her son may want to be with his wife on friday nights and not leave her? Also Friday night is date night. I feel like a doormat if I just constantly accept this treatment of exclusion. Like okay honey go out again while they all exclude me. To me it feels like they are saying she isn't "real" family so she gets left out. What happens when we have kids? Am I going to be expected to just sit back and be left alone with the kids and no help every other Friday while my husband goes back to his family of origin or will I suddenly be deemed good enough to come because I bore grandchildren for my MIL?

If your replies here are an indication of how you behave with them I can see why they don't want you to come.

You never answered any of my questions though. What about if we have kids? What about MIL not stopping to think maybe her son doesn't want to leave his wife every other Friday. There is no consideration by mil for my feelings at all. Or maybe I respond like this because they exclude me. C'mon I can't take 100% of the blame here. If I posted as my MIL here I can guarantee the responses would not be supporting me but instead saying you can't expect your son to leave his wife out of family conversations and they are married you can't exclude his wife every other weekend she is his main family

I did answer your question. You sound like a nightmare, and make it difficult for your husband to have a relationship with his family. I suspect that you talk over him and answer for him.

They realize he's in an abusive relationship, but don't know how to deal with it.

What do you mean by I talk over him and answer for him? Please explain what you mean. Did you ever think maybe my in laws excluding me is the reason for my behavior? I don't know why all the blame automatically lies on me you aren't there so you can't act like they are 100% innocent while im 100% wrong. Growing up my parents were never left out of family functions with in laws on either side.

I already gave some specific examples of ways his family excludes me. It isn't a one off thing. It is constant. MIL has never invited just me out for a girls day or made me feel welcome like the bday thing for example. This just isn't a normal way for a MIL to make a DIL feel welcome into the family by acting like her family of origin hasn't grown and that her son doesn't have a family of his own. In marriage you leave and cleave and forsake all others. If this was a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship of 2 years then yes it would be out of line to expect this but that is what makes a marriage different than that is you are now family.

Again like I mentioned before somehow I think once my husband and I have children MIL is the type of person who will suddenly want me around because I would have provided her with grandchildren. But I can guarantee one thing if she can't respect and include me now then those grandchildren won't be coming around her.

I refuse to bring my children around toxic people family or not who don't respect me and my role in my husband's life. I am more than an incubator and I'm not going to play the fool. If I'm not good enough to be included in their little family now I'm not good enough once I have children. So really mil is shooting herself in the foot. Seeing grandchildren as far as I'm concerned is a privilege not a right.

You sound nuttier and nuttier with each post. Please don't have children. Although hopefully your DH will have divorced you before then. Reread your post, you're going to keep your children away from THEIR GRANDMOTHER because she doesn't take you out for spa days, she wants one on one time with her son, and her son talks to her privately. If you really don't want your kid around toxic people, don't have them. While I don't think you share 100% of the blame, you do seem to be overreacting, overreaching, and unabl eto see things beyond black and white. Please get help.

This isn't just once in a while. If you read my post correctly you would have seen I said every other Friday she expects him to drop everything leave me at home and have dinner with her. That's pretty often to leave out his wife. This isn't alone time it's with his sister his dad its basically saying twice a month they are going to have the whole family out to dinner and recreate the family of origin while excluding me. Yes that's hurtful. I wouldn't let her grandchildren see her I said not because she doesn't take me out for spa days and whatnot but because she excluded their mother from family events and doesn't respect my role as wife. Once you marry your spouse becomes the most important person and they come first. I just don't see many grown men spending one on one time with their mother especially leaving out their wife.

Like I stated she is the type once I provide her with grandchildren she will suddenly include me more which shows she only sees me as an incubator for her grandchildren. Does your husband's mother ever call him up and say she just wants him to come for lunch or dinner and not you?

If she wants alone time with her son howcome she doesn't even want alone time with her DIL?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you expect your MIL to throw you a birthday party?

Wow way to twist my words. I never said I expected my MIL to throw me a bday party I said I want acknowledgement of my bday that's a far cry from saying I want a bday party. Acknowledgement could be anything from a text to a card. Yes if every other member even extended family such as nieces and nephews that she sees literally once a year get acknowledged then I feel I should be too. You treat family as equal not just leaving out one member. My mom always texts my husband and even sends a gift on his bday. I don't even expect a gift just a freaking text or a card

I think that's an unreasonable expectation.

You're kidding, right? To expect a text or card from my MIL is an unreasonable expectation? WTAF. I literally have co workers and acquaintances text me on my bday. It takes 2 seconds to do and it is free. Especially not unreasonable like I stated she does it for everyone else AND my mom goes out of her way to acknowledge my husband on his bday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you expect your MIL to throw you a birthday party?

Wow way to twist my words. I never said I expected my MIL to throw me a bday party I said I want acknowledgement of my bday that's a far cry from saying I want a bday party. Acknowledgement could be anything from a text to a card. Yes if every other member even extended family such as nieces and nephews that she sees literally once a year get acknowledged then I feel I should be too. You treat family as equal not just leaving out one member. My mom always texts my husband and even sends a gift on his bday. I don't even expect a gift just a freaking text or a card

Don't try your manipulative games with me sweetie. You have spent several posts whining about your MIL not celebrating your birthday.

Going to take a wild guess but her nieces and nephews are probably under 18.

Do you call her to wish her happy birthday or send her a text?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you expect your MIL to throw you a birthday party?

Wow way to twist my words. I never said I expected my MIL to throw me a bday party I said I want acknowledgement of my bday that's a far cry from saying I want a bday party. Acknowledgement could be anything from a text to a card. Yes if every other member even extended family such as nieces and nephews that she sees literally once a year get acknowledged then I feel I should be too. You treat family as equal not just leaving out one member. My mom always texts my husband and even sends a gift on his bday. I don't even expect a gift just a freaking text or a card

I think that's an unreasonable expectation.

You're kidding, right? To expect a text or card from my MIL is an unreasonable expectation? WTAF. I literally have co workers and acquaintances text me on my bday. It takes 2 seconds to do and it is free. Especially not unreasonable like I stated she does it for everyone else AND my mom goes out of her way to acknowledge my husband on his bday.

No I am not kidding.
It's nice your coworkers text you. It's nice your mom texts your DH.
However it's unreasonable as an adult to have these expectations.

How old are you OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have siblings OP? Do you not do things just with them?

My sisters and I and our mom sometimes have lunch and dinner together no husbands.

Husbands also can their moms and talk privately and visit them without the wives.

Yes i have one younger brother. Yes it's one thing having lunch or sinner together but his mom specifically singled me out and is making this a reoccurring every other Friday night thing. This isn't a hey I live far away I havent seen you in a while I wanna catch up just you. This is a explicit let's exclude your wife from a family dinner every other Friday. Didn't she ever stop and think her son may want to be with his wife on friday nights and not leave her? Also Friday night is date night. I feel like a doormat if I just constantly accept this treatment of exclusion. Like okay honey go out again while they all exclude me. To me it feels like they are saying she isn't "real" family so she gets left out. What happens when we have kids? Am I going to be expected to just sit back and be left alone with the kids and no help every other Friday while my husband goes back to his family of origin or will I suddenly be deemed good enough to come because I bore grandchildren for my MIL?

If your replies here are an indication of how you behave with them I can see why they don't want you to come.

You never answered any of my questions though. What about if we have kids? What about MIL not stopping to think maybe her son doesn't want to leave his wife every other Friday. There is no consideration by mil for my feelings at all. Or maybe I respond like this because they exclude me. C'mon I can't take 100% of the blame here. If I posted as my MIL here I can guarantee the responses would not be supporting me but instead saying you can't expect your son to leave his wife out of family conversations and they are married you can't exclude his wife every other weekend she is his main family

I did answer your question. You sound like a nightmare, and make it difficult for your husband to have a relationship with his family. I suspect that you talk over him and answer for him.

They realize he's in an abusive relationship, but don't know how to deal with it.

What do you mean by I talk over him and answer for him? Please explain what you mean. Did you ever think maybe my in laws excluding me is the reason for my behavior? I don't know why all the blame automatically lies on me you aren't there so you can't act like they are 100% innocent while im 100% wrong. Growing up my parents were never left out of family functions with in laws on either side.

I already gave some specific examples of ways his family excludes me. It isn't a one off thing. It is constant. MIL has never invited just me out for a girls day or made me feel welcome like the bday thing for example. This just isn't a normal way for a MIL to make a DIL feel welcome into the family by acting like her family of origin hasn't grown and that her son doesn't have a family of his own. In marriage you leave and cleave and forsake all others. If this was a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship of 2 years then yes it would be out of line to expect this but that is what makes a marriage different than that is you are now family.

Again like I mentioned before somehow I think once my husband and I have children MIL is the type of person who will suddenly want me around because I would have provided her with grandchildren. But I can guarantee one thing if she can't respect and include me now then those grandchildren won't be coming around her.

I refuse to bring my children around toxic people family or not who don't respect me and my role in my husband's life. I am more than an incubator and I'm not going to play the fool. If I'm not good enough to be included in their little family now I'm not good enough once I have children. So really mil is shooting herself in the foot. Seeing grandchildren as far as I'm concerned is a privilege not a right.

You sound nuttier and nuttier with each post. Please don't have children. Although hopefully your DH will have divorced you before then. Reread your post, you're going to keep your children away from THEIR GRANDMOTHER because she doesn't take you out for spa days, she wants one on one time with her son, and her son talks to her privately. If you really don't want your kid around toxic people, don't have them. While I don't think you share 100% of the blame, you do seem to be overreacting, overreaching, and unabl eto see things beyond black and white. Please get help.

This isn't just once in a while. If you read my post correctly you would have seen I said every other Friday she expects him to drop everything leave me at home and have dinner with her. That's pretty often to leave out his wife. This isn't alone time it's with his sister his dad its basically saying twice a month they are going to have the whole family out to dinner and recreate the family of origin while excluding me. Yes that's hurtful. I wouldn't let her grandchildren see her I said not because she doesn't take me out for spa days and whatnot but because she excluded their mother from family events and doesn't respect my role as wife. Once you marry your spouse becomes the most important person and they come first. I just don't see many grown men spending one on one time with their mother especially leaving out their wife.

Like I stated she is the type once I provide her with grandchildren she will suddenly include me more which shows she only sees me as an incubator for her grandchildren. Does your husband's mother ever call him up and say she just wants him to come for lunch or dinner and not you?

If she wants alone time with her son howcome she doesn't even want alone time with her DIL?

NP here,

Do you have any close friends who are married?

Do they all have 1:1 time with their MIL? Spa days etc?