Husband Keeping Detailed Notes

[Anonymous]

My husband claims that I never cook, clean, and do kids laundry (Then Who does it, poltergeist?). He also claims he’s home by 7pm when in reality it’s never before 8:30. It’s impossible to argue with him, and you bet I take pics of the food I cooked, laundry and cleaning I did, and I his track his arrival times. I wish I did not have to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. Where you accurately portrayed in the notes? If it was damning then get your act together. Consider it a blessing you saw this warning.

Another poster. I always came across bad things my spouse was doing as I just went about life. Like cleaning a closet and finding a note book that had noted about how to represent oneself in court and looking at the Judiciary Case Search and seeing that he had been caught shoplifting at TJMaxx. Otherwise I would have known nothing. I asked the Universe to let me see reality and it did. You going on your spouses phone and finding what you did is not without purpose. Keep your eyes, ears and intuition open. Trust your instincts.

[Anonymous]

Wow this is crazy.

My narcissistic ex used to record me during arguments for 'proof'. One time I noticed it. He said he wanted proof of how psycho and angry I got. So he played it back. There was no crazy (from me). Then he said 'I guess you were being pretty good that time.'

That was my life.

This is concerning. Is this a relationship you can live in?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband claims that I never cook, clean, and do kids laundry (Then Who does it, poltergeist?). He also claims he’s home by 7pm when in reality it’s never before 8:30. It’s impossible to argue with him, and you bet I take pics of the food I cooked, laundry and cleaning I did, and I his track his arrival times. I wish I did not have to.

You don't have to live like that.

[Anonymous]

My first thought is he’s talking to a lawyer and was advised to write a journal. I suspect he’s thinking of a divorce

[Anonymous]

I don't see a problem with keeping notes. You should keep them too, OP. They will be handy when you divorce.

[Anonymous]

Here's the thing- until you read this, how was your communication? Do you talk about everything and does it go well/get resolved/remain respectful? Do you agree with his notes? If so, I would discuss this/find out why the notes were done. Especially if you don't agree, you need to discuss.

If not, use this as a learning opportunity for what your spouse does not feel he can say to you. Can he not say it because you argue? Because it never gets to a fruitful point? Are you a screamer/a denier/ a martyr/other? Is he? Does he not say these things because it's not true? Because he is building a case to leave/documenting? I guess if things were that bad for me I'd be on my best behaviour so that he wouldn't have a 'case' and I'd also be hoping that if I got lucky- maybe me pulling in my horns/doing better would save our marriage. But on the flip side, if you want out, start doing your own notes.

And if it's that bad, keep checking the phone- I'd be doing that to 'improve' or reality check my version of my behaviour with his.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband claims that I never cook, clean, and do kids laundry (Then Who does it, poltergeist?). He also claims he’s home by 7pm when in reality it’s never before 8:30. It’s impossible to argue with him, and you bet I take pics of the food I cooked, laundry and cleaning I did, and I his track his arrival times. I wish I did not have to.

I would stop cooking for him or doing his laundry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Absolutely wasn't snooping but I don't car to convince the haters otherwise.

Yes the notes are accurate but I'm allowed to live in my house too. I'm not his guest. Yes, I will occasionally be messy and yes my stuff will sit on the dining room table for a week while I'm working 8-6, raising three kids and getting them to and from sports/events. That's life.

My instinct is to call him out on his little notes. I find it very... unmasculine

I was with you until you referred to his notes as "little" and questioned his masculinity. Do you demean him frequently?

I'll demean when demeaning is called for. I'm not a student of his trying to get an A. He's grading me as if he sits in some spot of authority. I could very easily do the same to him and his shortcomings are plentiful. But I don't because I'm an adult and if I have a problem I can promise you that you will hear it.[/quote

OP, I understand how you feel. He isn't your boss. You do get to live in your house. A normal spouse, if they had a concern about cleanliness or clutter, would say 'how can we handle this, should we (schedule time to clean, hire help, ect)' NOT keep stupid little notes about some perceived slight! It probably takes him more time to take notes than it would to solve the issue he's writing about!

I think, for me, this would be a dealbreaker.

[Anonymous]

Pp sorry I didn't space, here is the text.

OP, I understand how you feel. He isn't your boss. You do get to live in your house. A normal spouse, if they had a concern about cleanliness or clutter, would say 'how can we handle this, should we (schedule time to clean, hire help, ect)' NOT keep stupid little notes about some perceived slight! It probably takes him more time to take notes than it would to solve the issue he's writing about!

I think, for me, this would be a dealbreaker.

[Anonymous]

If in this situation your reaction is to:

- justify demeaning your spouse
- call him out aggressively
- NOT say anything and just let resentment percolate
- laugh and call him and his "little notes" unmasculine

Your marriage is already toxic and why are you surprised by his actions? If I found something that baffled and concerned me on DH's phone, I would bring it up to him in a "hey, what's up with this, everything okay?" tone, as he would me. The marriages here are just odd and sad.

[Anonymous]

Maybe this is his way of venting out anger so that he doesn't spew at you? I don't know but it is strange. I would want to read it all of the time now and switch up my behavior to see if it the notes reflected it LOL

[Anonymous]

This is what planning a divorce looks like
Coming from a family law background

You should address this ASAP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband claims that I never cook, clean, and do kids laundry (Then Who does it, poltergeist?). He also claims he’s home by 7pm when in reality it’s never before 8:30. It’s impossible to argue with him, and you bet I take pics of the food I cooked, laundry and cleaning I did, and I his track his arrival times. I wish I did not have to.

Just curious, are you a SAH?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband claims that I never cook, clean, and do kids laundry (Then Who does it, poltergeist?). He also claims he’s home by 7pm when in reality it’s never before 8:30. It’s impossible to argue with him, and you bet I take pics of the food I cooked, laundry and cleaning I did, and I his track his arrival times. I wish I did not have to.

What are you going to do with this trove of actionable intelligence?