Husband Keeping Detailed Notes

[Anonymous]

You sound kinda awful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The unmasculine comment was weird...but otherwise I agree with OP.

My sister's husband did this in preparation for a divorce. She was devastated when she found a documentation of every error / vulnerability she had made/had. They could all be twisted, for him to get custody. His sister is a lawyer, so I suspect she told him to make contemporaneous notes.

My (female) lawyer told me: write down every good thing you do, and every bad thing she does.

You and your 'female lawyer' have no idea how divorces work.

There isn't a part where the judge imposes penalties for not cleaning the kitchen for a month. OP and her DH are both employed so alimony is out. All other property is marital property and will be split 50/50 unless the two agree otherwise.

Then there is child custody. The children's age plays a big part and the older they are the less likely any judge is to award sole custody or supervised visit unless there is clear and convincing evidence of abuse (multiple DUIs, domestic assault charges,etc).

It's very rare these days to have custody not be simply shared; it's almost default 50/50.

In short, OP's DH really has nothing to gain from this behavior. Which makes me think he has a mental issue or is just very uneducated/unintelligent.

I don't think people quite grasp the vast numbers of shits the judge does not give about the particulars of your marital problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Looks like he is trying to build a case to justify something- divorce, affair...it is not normal to document stuff like that.

+100. Red flag, girl.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Looks like he is trying to build a case to justify something- divorce, affair...it is not normal to document stuff like that.

Miss his therapist ask him to? Or a lawyer? Or did he read something and wants to write it down and think about it all later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I suspect OP is a man changing details. My answer is the same. Documenting to counter gas-lighting and prevent crazy-making. Not healthy, not good.

Yep

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Absolutely wasn't snooping but I don't car to convince the haters otherwise.

Yes the notes are accurate but I'm allowed to live in my house too. I'm not his guest. Yes, I will occasionally be messy and yes my stuff will sit on the dining room table for a week while I'm working 8-6, raising three kids and getting them to and from sports/events. That's life.

My instinct is to call him out on his little notes. I find it very... unmasculine

I was with you until you referred to his notes as "little" and questioned his masculinity. Do you demean him frequently?

I'll demean when demeaning is called for. I'm not a student of his trying to get an A. He's grading me as if he sits in some spot of authority. I could very easily do the same to him and his shortcomings are plentiful. But I don't because I'm an adult and if I have a problem I can promise you that you will hear it.

Agreed. And to be honest I am so tired of these whiny whimpy “men”. When did men lose that thing that’s makes them...men?! Masculinity is missed by this woman!

+1000 I’m a woman and passive-aggressively keeping little whiny notes about how your spouse didn’t move her shirts on Tuesday even though she totally said she would is a bitch move. I wouldn’t respect a woman for doing it, either, but it’s pitiful in a man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Absolutely wasn't snooping but I don't car to convince the haters otherwise.

Yes the notes are accurate but I'm allowed to live in my house too. I'm not his guest. Yes, I will occasionally be messy and yes my stuff will sit on the dining room table for a week while I'm working 8-6, raising three kids and getting them to and from sports/events. That's life.

My instinct is to call him out on his little notes. I find it very... unmasculine

I was with you until you referred to his notes as "little" and questioned his masculinity. Do you demean him frequently?

I'll demean when demeaning is called for. I'm not a student of his trying to get an A. He's grading me as if he sits in some spot of authority. I could very easily do the same to him and his shortcomings are plentiful. But I don't because I'm an adult and if I have a problem I can promise you that you will hear it.

Agreed. And to be honest I am so tired of these whiny whimpy “men”. When did men lose that thing that’s makes them...men?! Masculinity is missed by this woman!

+1000 I’m a woman and passive-aggressively keeping little whiny notes about how your spouse didn’t move her shirts on Tuesday even though she totally said she would is a bitch move. I wouldn’t respect a woman for doing it, either, but it’s pitiful in a man.

I'm convinced OP is responding to herself with all these whimpy man posts. Obnoxious. You're still awful OP. There's nothing whiny about someone taking notes - no matter how much you want to make it a "bitch" move. It's obvious who should be called the bitch.

[Anonymous]

To me, this sounds like a weird kind of journal of sorts. I would not mention it at all. Put it in your back pocket, but damn, you're two individuals. Individuals should have a space of their own, even if it's the notes section of his phone. Be glad it wasn't notes on all the women he's screwing behind your back. Is it weird? Hell yeah. But let him have his weird private moments in peace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The unmasculine comment was weird...but otherwise I agree with OP.

My sister's husband did this in preparation for a divorce. She was devastated when she found a documentation of every error / vulnerability she had made/had. They could all be twisted, for him to get custody. His sister is a lawyer, so I suspect she told him to make contemporaneous notes.

My (female) lawyer told me: write down every good thing you do, and every bad thing she does.

You and your 'female lawyer' have no idea how divorces work.

There isn't a part where the judge imposes penalties for not cleaning the kitchen for a month. OP and her DH are both employed so alimony is out. All other property is marital property and will be split 50/50 unless the two agree otherwise.

Then there is child custody. The children's age plays a big part and the older they are the less likely any judge is to award sole custody or supervised visit unless there is clear and convincing evidence of abuse (multiple DUIs, domestic assault charges,etc).

It's very rare these days to have custody not be simply shared; it's almost default 50/50.

In short, OP's DH really has nothing to gain from this behavior. Which makes me think he has a mental issue or is just very uneducated/unintelligent.

I don't think people quite grasp the vast numbers of shits the judge does not give about the particulars of your marital problems.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would have deleted it and let him wonder where these notes are. You could have while had it in your hands, unless it was a document or email. This isn't a husband, he thinks he employs you. This isn't even a friendship.

This is the saddest thing.

Gaslighting at its finest. Exactly why the notes are there, being married to someone like you.

LOL...you think this is gaslighting? As if what he is doing is anywhere close to normal? If I learned my husband was doing this. it would be worth messing with him. Does anyone remember, years ago, the wife that came up on some talk show (in this case it was the wife) who kept track with points of her husbands deeds and misdeeds, which allowed him to be rewarded or not with food snacks, time with friends, etc. This is that crazy.

[Anonymous]

First of all you people are terrible.

Second, you need to just tell him how you found the notes, apologize for invading his privacy, and ask him what it means.

Don't ask all these crazy anonymous posters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First of all you people are terrible.

Second, you need to just tell him how you found the notes, apologize for invading his privacy, and ask him what it means.

Don't ask all these crazy anonymous posters.

This makes sense to me. The notes sound a little OCD .. Could you ask him in a non-judging way what they mean, what's on his mind, etc? You don't have to concede anything about your own behavior, your own right to have a messy table etc ... just say you're wondering about the purpose. If you're not making him defensive about it, he might actually tell you ... and it might be a worthwhile conversation.

[Anonymous]

I didn’t have time to read the responses, so apologize if this has been said.

It sounds like he is tracking things to make a point/case yes, but it may not be divorce.

A few years ago, my DH was going through a terrible phase which ended up being depression. Before his diagnosis, He was having angry outbursts and really strange sleeping patterns (sleeping for 10+ hours a day which was a huge change). I kept a log in my phone of these things so that I’d be prepared to “make my case” again that he get some help. I didn’t show him this “data” it just helped me gather my thoughts and remember things.

Maybe it is something like that. I definitely was not planning to divorce my DH (well unless he refused to get help)- I was just trying to keep things straight in my head before I sat down to talk to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Absolutely wasn't snooping but I don't car to convince the haters otherwise.

Yes the notes are accurate but I'm allowed to live in my house too. I'm not his guest. Yes, I will occasionally be messy and yes my stuff will sit on the dining room table for a week while I'm working 8-6, raising three kids and getting them to and from sports/events. That's life.

My instinct is to call him out on his little notes. I find it very... unmasculine

I was with you until you referred to his notes as "little" and questioned his masculinity. Do you demean him frequently?

I'll demean when demeaning is called for. I'm not a student of his trying to get an A. He's grading me as if he sits in some spot of authority. I could very easily do the same to him and his shortcomings are plentiful. But I don't because I'm an adult and if I have a problem I can promise you that you will hear it.

Agreed. And to be honest I am so tired of these whiny whimpy “men”. When did men lose that thing that’s makes them...men?! Masculinity is missed by this woman!

+1000 I’m a woman and passive-aggressively keeping little whiny notes about how your spouse didn’t move her shirts on Tuesday even though she totally said she would is a bitch move. I wouldn’t respect a woman for doing it, either, but it’s pitiful in a man.

I'm convinced OP is responding to herself with all these whimpy man posts. Obnoxious. You're still awful OP. There's nothing whiny about someone taking notes - no matter how much you want to make it a "bitch" move. It's obvious who should be called the bitch.

Uhm i’m not the OP. But you’re right, it’s not a bitch move, it’s like...a teenage girl move. “Dear Diary, today mom promised to take me to the mall but she didn’t. Gawd!”

[Anonymous]

Whatever you do, OP, don’t stop snooping.