Husband Keeping Detailed Notes

[Anonymous]

Our son sometimes uses my DH's phone to play fortnite. Last night it froze so my son brought the phone to me (DH was on work phone conference call).

DH has a gazillion apps on his phone and I didn’t know where he keeps fortnite so I double clicked on the home button to bring up the most recently used one and up popped fortnite and Notes

Notes contained detailed accounting of when he got home, what chores he did, how much time he spent doing each item, my mood, whether I’d returned his calls or texts, whether I’d ‘honored’ things I said I’d do (like grabbing an item from the store, moving my sweaters off his dresser and back to the trunk I keep them in, etc.)

Really, really, weird and kind of an aggressive feel.

We have been in a rocky patch with demanding jobs and three little kids but this feels like he’s ‘building a case’ against me.

WTF should I do?

[Anonymous]

Have you been moody or nagging lately? Maybe he just wants proof if you snap at him for things. Seems way too time consuming though. That would bother me to death and I would just have to straight up ask him about it!

[Anonymous]

It is kind of weird OP I agree. I would ask him about it.

[Anonymous]

Yes this would freak me out.
Sounds like something a lawyer may have suggested to him in prep to divorce

[Anonymous]

Looks like he is trying to build a case to justify something- divorce, affair...it is not normal to document stuff like that.

[Anonymous]

It's not aggressive, as it's clearly not directed at you.

I wish my DH would keep notes so he would know how much I do, LOL!

None of this is going to have any bearing on a divorce or custody. How ridiculous would that sound: Your Honor, on 1/17/20 my wife said she would my move my shirts from the dresser to the bed and she didn't do that.
No lawyer would advise such ridiculous note taking.

I'd worry about the state of the marriage but not about how this kind of note taking would appear in court.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like he's planning on a divorce. Sounds like you've got some fault in that tok

[Anonymous]

That is way bizarre. Do you think he could have a personality disorder or psych disorder?

Even if he was "building a case" for a divorce, his notes about how quickly you moved your sweaters into the trunk after you said you would are completely irrelevant.

Honestly, I would take a picture of this and periodically check his notes and document them. They may be helpful in the future if you need to get him committed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you been moody or nagging lately? Maybe he just wants proof if you snap at him for things. Seems way too time consuming though. That would bother me to death and I would just have to straight up ask him about it!

This.

I think he is gathering info to make a point. What and how that point will be used is hard to tell. Not putting your sweaters away is not fodder for a divorce case, IMO.

FWIW, my partner tends to gaslight me and deny things he's said, things he's done/hasn't done and then tends to try to change his story. I have jotted things down in the past for my own sanity.

This just came up again. He tends to be a workaholic and claims he wants to change that. I asked him what his definitive work hours are. He said 5 p.m. is his official quitting time. I repeated and said, "Your work day officially ends at 5 p.m., correct?" He said yes. I jotted a note on my calendar. (FWIW, his employer has ZERO expectation of anyone staying past normal work hours since they pay hourly and the work load is not heavy.)

Yesterday he came home later and I said, "Oh, you worked late today." He said, "No, it's my normal time." I stood firm and pushed back, telling him point blank he told me in June that his normal work hours were until 5 p.m. When I pushed, he finally admitted that yes, he was supposed to leave at 5 but wanted to finish up with something. I've had to do this with other things as well, simply because I got tired of arguing with him.

Sadly, I have had to resort to this tactic simply because he refuses to EVER be wrong about anything. OP, is it possible you might have this same personality trait?

[Anonymous]

I did something similar when I felt neglected in my marriage. In my case, the root problem was our sex life. I started documenting the times we had sex or I tried initiating unsuccessfully, just so I'd know I wasn't imagining it. This led to me also documenting things relevant to her excuses about sex -- her health status, if she was complaining about not feeling good; how much sleep we were getting respectively, if she was complaining about being tired; the types and amount of work/chores I was doing, if she was complaining about being overworked.

This wasn't especially healthy or productive, but that was the reason I was doing it.

[Anonymous]

Are you abusive to him? My girlfriend from college was divorcing a total dickhead who verbally abused her and tried to isolate her from everybody and her lawyer advised her to document everything. She created a second email account he knew nothing about and kept everything there.

[Anonymous]

Do not tell him you found this.

If it's just him trying to figure things out for himself fine but something you can work with if he starts bringing it up. Or he asks to go to counseling.

More importantly protect yourself. Make copies of all important papers. Make sure you have some money in case he is looking for excuses to divorce.

[Anonymous]

Yes tke a picture and then don’t say anything for another month and keep checking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you been moody or nagging lately? Maybe he just wants proof if you snap at him for things. Seems way too time consuming though. That would bother me to death and I would just have to straight up ask him about it!

This.

I think he is gathering info to make a point. What and how that point will be used is hard to tell. Not putting your sweaters away is not fodder for a divorce case, IMO.

FWIW, my partner tends to gaslight me and deny things he's said, things he's done/hasn't done and then tends to try to change his story. I have jotted things down in the past for my own sanity.

This just came up again. He tends to be a workaholic and claims he wants to change that. I asked him what his definitive work hours are. He said 5 p.m. is his official quitting time. I repeated and said, "Your work day officially ends at 5 p.m., correct?" He said yes. I jotted a note on my calendar. (FWIW, his employer has ZERO expectation of anyone staying past normal work hours since they pay hourly and the work load is not heavy.)

Yesterday he came home later and I said, "Oh, you worked late today." He said, "No, it's my normal time." I stood firm and pushed back, telling him point blank he told me in June that his normal work hours were until 5 p.m. When I pushed, he finally admitted that yes, he was supposed to leave at 5 but wanted to finish up with something. I've had to do this with other things as well, simply because I got tired of arguing with him.

Sadly, I have had to resort to this tactic simply because he refuses to EVER be wrong about anything. OP, is it possible you might have this same personality trait?

So out of curiosity what’s the point of this whole exchange? It sounds like you just want to win or prove him wrong? Over working a little late, which seems like a normal thing to do? I guess I don’t get the point, even if he said something 7 months ago, of demanding that he acknowledge that. It sounds like OPs DH is maybe the same way. Sounds like an unpleasant way to live - waiting for your spouse to pounce on you.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like he's angry and he's unproductively stewing in and stoking his anger by keeping notes to justify it to himself. When my DH was on the brink of an affair with someone from work he started doing this kind of crap -- as if he was justified because I had done x and y. But he was also conflicted because he knew it didn't really add up. This reminds me of that.

I think you guys should do marital counseling right away, if you aren't already. I think probably something bad is ahead if you don't take this seirously. He doesn't sound like someone in touch with his feelings or able to deal with stress productively right now.