Husband Keeping Detailed Notes

[Anonymous]

Some crazy replies here. None of that stuff is relevant for a divorce. However, if you kicked his butt recently in an argument, he could just be prepping to be ready for the next one. Or he's getting ready to have a conversation about roles in your home.

It's a little odd but sometimes people a most comfortable having a list.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I did something similar when I felt neglected in my marriage. In my case, the root problem was our sex life. I started documenting the times we had sex or I tried initiating unsuccessfully, just so I'd know I wasn't imagining it. This led to me also documenting things relevant to her excuses about sex -- her health status, if she was complaining about not feeling good; how much sleep we were getting respectively, if she was complaining about being tired; the types and amount of work/chores I was doing, if she was complaining about being overworked.

This wasn't especially healthy or productive, but that was the reason I was doing it.

So how did keeping an aspie spreadsheet work out for you? Did you wind up getting more sex when you showed her the numbers?

[Anonymous]

I would guess someone (not necessarily a lawyer) told him to "document everything" in preparation for a divorce and he's a dumbass who took it literally. But no matter why he's doing it, it's damn creepy to have someone documenting your every move. Send yourself the notes and then ask him about it outright.

[Anonymous]

OP have you been accusing him of "doing nothing" or "not pulling his weight"? If so, then he's not building a case against you, but preparing to refute your case against him.

But this is why my therapist said "never read your spouse's journal - people tend to write down just the things that irritate them, as a way of processing, and it's not a genuine indicator of how they feel about you".

[Anonymous]

It’s always shocking to find something on DH’s phones, and it’s Always on their phone, if they are up to something. It makes you wonder who they are, can you trust them - they become a stranger overnight. Part of me wants you to confront him and ask, the other part of me says don’t do that and quietly monitor the situation. Plan to work on what is troubling the marriage, see if it works itself out.

[Anonymous]

How accurate are the notes

[Anonymous]

It doesn't mean you are getting divorced. Friends and my therapist made me start a journal because my wife's behavior was so awful. I kept the journal for nearly four years before moving out. I hadn't made a decision to divorce when I started the journal, that decision came after about three years of journaling.

You should also beware that he may be recording you.

My journal is one of the best things I ever did, and my most valuable possession. It got me my freedom, and custody of my kids.

When the same thing happened to a friend, I got him writing a journal and his is even better--it's linked to Excel spreadsheets and visualized data showing how often he takes the kids places, meets with teachers, how much money he spends on them, how often he buys them clothes, takes them to the doctor, etc. He also got custody.

[Anonymous]

This would make me incredibly sad.

[Anonymous]

Almost nothing anybody does is relevant for a divorce. You'd have to be taking your kids to a drug den while you shoot up heroine to have an effect on the final divorce outcome in terms of custody. Since you both work, there will be no alimony. Child support is determined via a formula. So there is literally nothing that this could affect unless you are regularly putting your children in danger or abusing them.

[Anonymous]

This is what I would do if I felt like I was being gaslit during arguments.

It's not great OP. Whatever reason he feels like he needs to do this - not great.

[Anonymous]

OP. Where you accurately portrayed in the notes? If it was damning then get your act together. Consider it a blessing you saw this warning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you been moody or nagging lately? Maybe he just wants proof if you snap at him for things. Seems way too time consuming though. That would bother me to death and I would just have to straight up ask him about it!

This.

I think he is gathering info to make a point. What and how that point will be used is hard to tell. Not putting your sweaters away is not fodder for a divorce case, IMO.

FWIW, my partner tends to gaslight me and deny things he's said, things he's done/hasn't done and then tends to try to change his story. I have jotted things down in the past for my own sanity.

This just came up again. He tends to be a workaholic and claims he wants to change that. I asked him what his definitive work hours are. He said 5 p.m. is his official quitting time. I repeated and said, "Your work day officially ends at 5 p.m., correct?" He said yes. I jotted a note on my calendar. (FWIW, his employer has ZERO expectation of anyone staying past normal work hours since they pay hourly and the work load is not heavy.)

Yesterday he came home later and I said, "Oh, you worked late today." He said, "No, it's my normal time." I stood firm and pushed back, telling him point blank he told me in June that his normal work hours were until 5 p.m. When I pushed, he finally admitted that yes, he was supposed to leave at 5 but wanted to finish up with something. I've had to do this with other things as well, simply because I got tired of arguing with him.

Sadly, I have had to resort to this tactic simply because he refuses to EVER be wrong about anything. OP, is it possible you might have this same personality trait?

So out of curiosity what’s the point of this whole exchange? It sounds like you just want to win or prove him wrong? Over working a little late, which seems like a normal thing to do? I guess I don’t get the point, even if he said something 7 months ago, of demanding that he acknowledge that. It sounds like OPs DH is maybe the same way. Sounds like an unpleasant way to live - waiting for your spouse to pounce on you.

The point is obvious - do you even know what gaslighting is??? When someone continuously obfuscates or challenges, corrects or criticizes, then taking notes can be a means of ensuring you are not imagining things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is what I would do if I felt like I was being gaslit during arguments.

It's not great OP. Whatever reason he feels like he needs to do this - not great.

Agree. The notes are nothing - below it is a simmering resentment that should be addressed.

[Anonymous]

I think I’d become addicted to reading his notes.

A weekly report card of sorts. I’d have to experiment what got me an A, versus what made me score low. Takes notes on his notes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is what I would do if I felt like I was being gaslit during arguments.

It's not great OP. Whatever reason he feels like he needs to do this - not great.

This is what I think too. He feels the need to actually document what he is doing and your reactions. I would bet he feels you are gaslighting him in arguments. He needs proof because he feels crazy later when you deny and reject everything he says.

Not great at all.