Husband Keeping Detailed Notes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is what I would do if I felt like I was being gaslit during arguments.

It's not great OP. Whatever reason he feels like he needs to do this - not great.

This is what I think too. He feels the need to actually document what he is doing and your reactions. I would bet he feels you are gaslighting him in arguments. He needs proof because he feels crazy later when you deny and reject everything he says.

Not great at all.

^Yes. OP hasn't responded to questions as to whether his notes are accurate reflections of her statements/actions. OP? Care to respond??

[Anonymous]

so we were looking for fornite but you decided to open and read "notes" instead... sounds like you are a controlling snoop that doesn't respect privacy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think I’d become addicted to reading his notes.

A weekly report card of sorts. I’d have to experiment what got me an A, versus what made me score low. Takes notes on his notes.

Agreed. The opportunity to troll your own spouse would be juicy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you been moody or nagging lately? Maybe he just wants proof if you snap at him for things. Seems way too time consuming though. That would bother me to death and I would just have to straight up ask him about it!

This.

I think he is gathering info to make a point. What and how that point will be used is hard to tell. Not putting your sweaters away is not fodder for a divorce case, IMO.

FWIW, my partner tends to gaslight me and deny things he's said, things he's done/hasn't done and then tends to try to change his story. I have jotted things down in the past for my own sanity.

This just came up again. He tends to be a workaholic and claims he wants to change that. I asked him what his definitive work hours are. He said 5 p.m. is his official quitting time. I repeated and said, "Your work day officially ends at 5 p.m., correct?" He said yes. I jotted a note on my calendar. (FWIW, his employer has ZERO expectation of anyone staying past normal work hours since they pay hourly and the work load is not heavy.)

Yesterday he came home later and I said, "Oh, you worked late today." He said, "No, it's my normal time." I stood firm and pushed back, telling him point blank he told me in June that his normal work hours were until 5 p.m. When I pushed, he finally admitted that yes, he was supposed to leave at 5 but wanted to finish up with something. I've had to do this with other things as well, simply because I got tired of arguing with him.

Sadly, I have had to resort to this tactic simply because he refuses to EVER be wrong about anything. OP, is it possible you might have this same personality trait?

So out of curiosity what’s the point of this whole exchange? It sounds like you just want to win or prove him wrong? Over working a little late, which seems like a normal thing to do? I guess I don’t get the point, even if he said something 7 months ago, of demanding that he acknowledge that. It sounds like OPs DH is maybe the same way. Sounds like an unpleasant way to live - waiting for your spouse to pounce on you.

The point is obvious - do you even know what gaslighting is??? When someone continuously obfuscates or challenges, corrects or criticizes, then taking notes can be a means of ensuring you are not imagining things.

If a marriage is based on continually obfuscating and criticizing then it's time to get out. Sounds like OPs DH is moving in that direction.

[Anonymous]

I tally up what I do and send it to my wife because she thinks I just goof off all the time at work or after 9pm (when all kids are asleep and sexy time has been had).

[Anonymous]

If someone says something unkind about you, then live your life in a manner that proves them wrong. Sounds like you need to be a better spouse/friend/partner/parent. Use this as a wake up call. Do better.

[Anonymous]

I bought a small notebook calendar to document my husband's actions and to hold my self accountable the next I give him one more chance. I told him about it and let him know that if we did divorce I would use it against him.

All that to say he is probably documenting for this same reason.

[Anonymous]

I documented after severe gaslighting and verbal abuse. It helped me keep my sanity. Times when I got frustrated, or felt insecure, I would go back and see that I was not crazy.

I also documented good things. I wasn’t trying to rewrite history, just capture it.

It may just be his way of journaling and trying to line up logic with his emotions.

It’s more to empower him than anything else, so he has courage and confidence. Whether it is for divorce or to feel substantiated in his thoughts, or something else - it is almost certainly because of something negative.

Not a good sign in marriage and yes I would be on alert for divorce or separation in the next 12 months or less.

[Anonymous]

Kill him with kindness. Answer his texts, acknowledge the chores he does and be accountable to do what you say you will do (move sweaters). You know, be a good wife. It shouldn't be this hard.

[Anonymous]

Is it possible he's in therapy, or reading a self help book?

I'd ask him about it. Or ask him to go to therapy with you and then ask him there. (You will also need to acknowledge that the snooping was wrong).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did something similar when I felt neglected in my marriage. In my case, the root problem was our sex life. I started documenting the times we had sex or I tried initiating unsuccessfully, just so I'd know I wasn't imagining it. This led to me also documenting things relevant to her excuses about sex -- her health status, if she was complaining about not feeling good; how much sleep we were getting respectively, if she was complaining about being tired; the types and amount of work/chores I was doing, if she was complaining about being overworked.

This wasn't especially healthy or productive, but that was the reason I was doing it.

So how did keeping an aspie spreadsheet work out for you? Did you wind up getting more sex when you showed her the numbers?

Nah. I just got better at masturbating.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Absolutely wasn't snooping but I don't car to convince the haters otherwise.

Yes the notes are accurate but I'm allowed to live in my house too. I'm not his guest. Yes, I will occasionally be messy and yes my stuff will sit on the dining room table for a week while I'm working 8-6, raising three kids and getting them to and from sports/events. That's life.

My instinct is to call him out on his little notes. I find it very... unmasculine

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Absolutely wasn't snooping but I don't car to convince the haters otherwise.

Yes the notes are accurate but I'm allowed to live in my house too. I'm not his guest. Yes, I will occasionally be messy and yes my stuff will sit on the dining room table for a week while I'm working 8-6, raising three kids and getting them to and from sports/events. That's life.

My instinct is to call him out on his little notes. I find it very... unmasculine

lol... I don't think masculinity is your main concern. You sound like an awesome person!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Absolutely wasn't snooping but I don't car to convince the haters otherwise.

Yes the notes are accurate but I'm allowed to live in my house too. I'm not his guest. Yes, I will occasionally be messy and yes my stuff will sit on the dining room table for a week while I'm working 8-6, raising three kids and getting them to and from sports/events. That's life.

My instinct is to call him out on his little notes. I find it very... unmasculine

I was with you until you referred to his notes as "little" and questioned his masculinity. Do you demean him frequently?

[Anonymous]

Are you the same poster who started the thread on how you don’t respect your DH?