Husband Keeping Detailed Notes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The unmasculine comment was weird...but otherwise I agree with OP.

My sister's husband did this in preparation for a divorce. She was devastated when she found a documentation of every error / vulnerability she had made/had. They could all be twisted, for him to get custody. His sister is a lawyer, so I suspect she told him to make contemporaneous notes.

My (female) lawyer told me: write down every good thing you do, and every bad thing she does.

[Anonymous]

I was going to suggest that perhaps he is just venting. Maybe he's using it as a diary of sorts and instead of lashing out at OP, he's just writing it all down to get it out.

After reading OP's recent comments, I can see why the guy might need to vent.

[Anonymous]

I’m a wife and I do this - because I was/am being gaslighted about things. And if my marriage was okay I wouldn’t need to do this. It’s for my sanity, and for identifying patterns. I have been transparent about it and offered to let my husband read them anytime he wants. He doesn’t, though, because that would mean acknowledging a problem and communicating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The unmasculine comment was weird...but otherwise I agree with OP.

My sister's husband did this in preparation for a divorce. She was devastated when she found a documentation of every error / vulnerability she had made/had. They could all be twisted, for him to get custody. His sister is a lawyer, so I suspect she told him to make contemporaneous notes.

I emailed my journal to my work email every week so I had several years of records proving the journal had been written when I dated it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think I’d become addicted to reading his notes.

A weekly report card of sorts. I’d have to experiment what got me an A, versus what made me score low. Takes notes on his notes.

You sound fun. Low scores could earn you a spanking. Good scores, also a spanking.

[Anonymous]

I would have deleted it and let him wonder where these notes are. You could have while had it in your hands, unless it was a document or email. This isn't a husband, he thinks he employs you. This isn't even a friendship.

This is the saddest thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would have deleted it and let him wonder where these notes are. You could have while had it in your hands, unless it was a document or email. This isn't a husband, he thinks he employs you. This isn't even a friendship.

This is the saddest thing.

Gaslighting at its finest. Exactly why the notes are there, being married to someone like you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The unmasculine comment was weird...but otherwise I agree with OP.

My sister's husband did this in preparation for a divorce. She was devastated when she found a documentation of every error / vulnerability she had made/had. They could all be twisted, for him to get custody. His sister is a lawyer, so I suspect she told him to make contemporaneous notes.

My (female) lawyer told me: write down every good thing you do, and every bad thing she does.

You and your 'female lawyer' have no idea how divorces work.

There isn't a part where the judge imposes penalties for not cleaning the kitchen for a month. OP and her DH are both employed so alimony is out. All other property is marital property and will be split 50/50 unless the two agree otherwise.

Then there is child custody. The children's age plays a big part and the older they are the less likely any judge is to award sole custody or supervised visit unless there is clear and convincing evidence of abuse (multiple DUIs, domestic assault charges,etc).

It's very rare these days to have custody not be simply shared; it's almost default 50/50.

In short, OP's DH really has nothing to gain from this behavior. Which makes me think he has a mental issue or is just very uneducated/unintelligent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Absolutely wasn't snooping but I don't car to convince the haters otherwise.

Yes the notes are accurate but I'm allowed to live in my house too. I'm not his guest. Yes, I will occasionally be messy and yes my stuff will sit on the dining room table for a week while I'm working 8-6, raising three kids and getting them to and from sports/events. That's life.

My instinct is to call him out on his little notes. I find it very... unmasculine

I was with you until you referred to his notes as "little" and questioned his masculinity. Do you demean him frequently?

I'll demean when demeaning is called for. I'm not a student of his trying to get an A. He's grading me as if he sits in some spot of authority. I could very easily do the same to him and his shortcomings are plentiful. But I don't because I'm an adult and if I have a problem I can promise you that you will hear it.

You claim to be an adult but can't respect someone else's privacy or private thoughts. Maybe it's just to make decisions for himself - pros/cons of YOU and whether he wants to continue. Personally, I can see why he wouldn't. If someone were to steal your diary or your child's journal and use it against them, would that be okay? You're despicable - good luck in the divorce.

Yup. Contempt is here so your marriage is done.
Pro tip- demeaning someone is never necessary. Not a child, husband, student or anyone. It's abusive.

[Anonymous]

I suspect OP is a man changing details. My answer is the same. Documenting to counter gas-lighting and prevent crazy-making. Not healthy, not good.

[Anonymous]

I would find this all a bit odd too OP.

Does he seem like he could possibly have OCD in other areas of his life?

He seems super-organized to say the least.

I would have to ask him directly.
I see no other option.
And carefully monitor his reaction.
This could help you decipher if he is doing all this because he has an “agenda” planned out.
Divorce perhaps?
Maybe he is keeping notes in order to fight for child custody??!

[Anonymous]

Do any of you just sit and talk to your spouses about what's going on instead of coming here to bash the person upside the head ?

What did you love in the first place ? Get back that love instead of plotting revenge. LOVE is the answer. LOVE HARD. Get back to the beginning and make things work.

Don't do this to your kids. Show them what a loving team you are.

[Anonymous]

Make sure you have money in your name and get a good divorce attorney. Sounds like an affair.

[Anonymous]

You’ll be divorced within two years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Absolutely wasn't snooping but I don't car to convince the haters otherwise.

Yes the notes are accurate but I'm allowed to live in my house too. I'm not his guest. Yes, I will occasionally be messy and yes my stuff will sit on the dining room table for a week while I'm working 8-6, raising three kids and getting them to and from sports/events. That's life.

My instinct is to call him out on his little notes. I find it very... unmasculine

I was with you until you referred to his notes as "little" and questioned his masculinity. Do you demean him frequently?

I'll demean when demeaning is called for. I'm not a student of his trying to get an A. He's grading me as if he sits in some spot of authority. I could very easily do the same to him and his shortcomings are plentiful. But I don't because I'm an adult and if I have a problem I can promise you that you will hear it.

Agreed. And to be honest I am so tired of these whiny whimpy “men”. When did men lose that thing that’s makes them...men?! Masculinity is missed by this woman!