Wife always using being an “introvert” as an excuse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These kinds of dynamics are rarely totally one-sided, so my guess is that your family is part of the problem in that you’re unwilling to acknowledge. That, in turn, makes your wife dig in even harder on not trying because she’s tired of taking the blame for everyone when you side with your family against her.

It’s not that I’m taking my family’s side, I’m trying to tell her she’s the problem. We use to work together and our coworkers said the same thing about her because she would sit away from everyone during meetings and company events. At some point, she has to acknowledge her role in this.

So you married her knowing this part of her personality and now are demanding she change because your family doesn’t like it? Sounds like you’re the problem here.

I don’t like it either. She should want to change it for me. I thought she would’ve grown as a person, but she’s too set in her ways. As far as my family goes, my family is close and we always have gatherings. It’s hard bringing her around because she doesn’t try to fit in. I’ve missed a lot of events for her sake just so she won’t be uncomfortable. I don’t know what else I can do.

You married someone you dislike expecting she would change who she is to please you?

And why should she have to "fit in" with your family?

[Anonymous]

I expected my spouse to fit in/get along with my family, and he expected likewise of me. That was one of the most important factors tbh.

I wouldn't give someone 10 years worth of chances, though. If it's not working in the first year, it ain't gonna get better.

This is bigger than getting along with the in-laws, though. OP's DW apparently can't get along with people at work, either. That speaks of a larger personality or some type of disorder, for which she won't even acknowledge or get help for. Basically telling OP you have to live with the restrictions that come with a spouse who is negative and cold to other people. That's not healthy for her or their kid, and not fair to ask the OP to live like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These kinds of dynamics are rarely totally one-sided, so my guess is that your family is part of the problem in that you’re unwilling to acknowledge. That, in turn, makes your wife dig in even harder on not trying because she’s tired of taking the blame for everyone when you side with your family against her.

It’s not that I’m taking my family’s side, I’m trying to tell her she’s the problem. We use to work together and our coworkers said the same thing about her because she would sit away from everyone during meetings and company events. At some point, she has to acknowledge her role in this.

So you married her knowing this part of her personality and now are demanding she change because your family doesn’t like it? Sounds like you’re the problem here.

I don’t like it either. She should want to change it for me. I thought she would’ve grown as a person, but she’s too set in her ways. As far as my family goes, my family is close and we always have gatherings. It’s hard bringing her around because she doesn’t try to fit in. I’ve missed a lot of events for her sake just so she won’t be uncomfortable. I don’t know what else I can do.

You married someone you dislike expecting she would change who she is to please you?

And why should she have to "fit in" with your family?

Exactly. You marry each other - not their family. When my horrible sil remarked I shouldn't have married into their family I said, "I didn't nor are you on our marriage certificate". Today the old bat is miserable and alone, no intentions of fitting in with something like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She might be shy and feeling insecure.

You sound like you hate your wife, by the way. Why don't you try to emphasize and approach the situation with kindness? You're more likely to have success that way.

You sound like my wife. I told her I can’t stand her personality and she took it as me saying I can’t stand her. If that were the case, I wouldn’t have married her. I’ve tried to approach it with kindness, but she immediately gets defensive and it starts a fight.

Wait, what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She might be shy and feeling insecure.

You sound like you hate your wife, by the way. Why don't you try to emphasize and approach the situation with kindness? You're more likely to have success that way.

You sound like my wife. I told her I can’t stand her personality and she took it as me saying I can’t stand her. If that were the case, I wouldn’t have married her. I’ve tried to approach it with kindness, but she immediately gets defensive and it starts a fight.

WTF? You realize her personality is part of her, right? it is not easy to change your personality, nor should she have to be someone she isn't. you don't marry someone hoping they will change. after all, you're still an asshole.

I’m not trying to be an asshole, I’m trying to help her become a more social person. I’m very outgoing and it’s hard to have someone by my side that’s not.

OP, stop.

You are being an asshole. You are not trying to help HER with anything. You are trying to change her into who you want her to be. After 10 years, I would personally hope that my husband would know me and love me for who I am. You do not love your wife. I truly don't think that anyone who speaks the way you do about your wife is capable of love.

I'm sooooooooo sorry that it's hard FOR YOU. I can't imagine how difficult it must be for your wife, who knows that her husband doesn't like her and wants to force her to have a different personality. I hope she divorces you.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I expected my spouse to fit in/get along with my family, and he expected likewise of me. That was one of the most important factors tbh.

I wouldn't give someone 10 years worth of chances, though. If it's not working in the first year, it ain't gonna get better.

This is bigger than getting along with the in-laws, though. OP's DW apparently can't get along with people at work, either. That speaks of a larger personality or some type of disorder, for which she won't even acknowledge or get help for. Basically telling OP you have to live with the restrictions that come with a spouse who is negative and cold to other people. That's not healthy for her or their kid, and not fair to ask the OP to live like that.

Stop it. It is not a personality disorder. It is not something she needs to get help for. OP knew that she was this way when he met her, dated her and married her. If this was an expectation of his, he should have been forthright about it before they got married. He just expected her to "grow" as a person and change. The same advice applies to OP as applied to wives in the 1950's, 60's and 70's. Like the song in "Guys and Dolls" too many women went into marriage with the attitude of marry the man today, and change his ways tomorrow. But you can't do that. A person doesn't change unless they want to, not because you want them to. You talk to them about what you want and they have to decide whether they want to make the change and keep the relationship or not make the change and leave the relationship. But that is their choice, not yours.

OP made a mistake by not communicating with his wife before they got married. He had an expectation of her that he never told her and now is disappointed that she didn't meet his expectations. She probably feels like he pulled a bait and switch. He was happy with her reclusive introverted personality when they were dating, but has spent their marriage trying to change her. She was happy with the status quo. He wasn't, but didn't tell her. Now he's upset and making her miserable.

And FYI, I'm the extroverted partner and I still see and understand her position. But then, we talked about this dynamic and how we would handle it and what we each needed from each other before we got married.

[Anonymous]

I like my family, but they can be overwhelming when they're all together for hours on end in a relatively small space. After a certain number of hours of forced togetherness, I need to hide out too. I usually just wander off to the den and read quietly with a glass of wine until someone finds me.

Maybe your wife could skip certain events with your family and maybe pick and choose to attend 1 or 2 per year that are more pleasant for her? Like dinner or an event out of the house vs. hanging out in someone's house for a solid weekend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
It's social anxiety. She could go to therapy, but only if she wants to change.

Funny you say that, we were in marriage counseling and the counselor told her she should seek therapy on her own to deal with her issues.

OP why don't you just keep working on being understanding, and ask your wife to go to therapy for her issues?

That’s therapist code for you, you are the issue.

Read between the lines more Op.

[Anonymous]

OP - shorten the time she is with your family but insist on better behavior.

90 minutes. Drive separately so she can leave after 90 minutes. Make it an expectation that she will act like a normal human being for 90 minutes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I expected my spouse to fit in/get along with my family, and he expected likewise of me. That was one of the most important factors tbh.

I wouldn't give someone 10 years worth of chances, though. If it's not working in the first year, it ain't gonna get better.

This is bigger than getting along with the in-laws, though. OP's DW apparently can't get along with people at work, either. That speaks of a larger personality or some type of disorder, for which she won't even acknowledge or get help for. Basically telling OP you have to live with the restrictions that come with a spouse who is negative and cold to other people. That's not healthy for her or their kid, and not fair to ask the OP to live like that.

Stop it. It is not a personality disorder. It is not something she needs to get help for. OP knew that she was this way when he met her, dated her and married her. If this was an expectation of his, he should have been forthright about it before they got married. He just expected her to "grow" as a person and change. The same advice applies to OP as applied to wives in the 1950's, 60's and 70's. Like the song in "Guys and Dolls" too many women went into marriage with the attitude of marry the man today, and change his ways tomorrow. But you can't do that. A person doesn't change unless they want to, not because you want them to. You talk to them about what you want and they have to decide whether they want to make the change and keep the relationship or not make the change and leave the relationship. But that is their choice, not yours.

OP made a mistake by not communicating with his wife before they got married. He had an expectation of her that he never told her and now is disappointed that she didn't meet his expectations. She probably feels like he pulled a bait and switch. He was happy with her reclusive introverted personality when they were dating, but has spent their marriage trying to change her. She was happy with the status quo. He wasn't, but didn't tell her. Now he's upset and making her miserable.

And FYI, I'm the extroverted partner and I still see and understand her position. But then, we talked about this dynamic and how we would handle it and what we each needed from each other before we got married.

If it's not a disorder (which I don't know how you could possibly rule out without getting screened by a medical professional), then why does she get a pass to act bitchy to the people around her? At work, in public, and at home? If I were her, I would be seriously alarmed to learn that my bad attitude was interfering with my personal and professional life to such an extent.

The OP is frustrated and probably not helping the situation, but her part of this is not to throw her hands up and say 'too bad you married an introvert' and call it a day. That's not how marriage works. It sounds like she won't even take the small step to get herself evaluated.

[Anonymous]

Social occasions should not be day-long events. It should never be assumed that that's a good thing, not for everyone. Some people like, others don't. OP, don't know where you are when you visit family. If you travel to their hometown, you should have a hotel room. She can leave and go there. If they are coming to your home, they should not be overnight guests. If they come to hang with you for an afternoon, if ought to be perfectly ok if she "has something else" and leaves for some of the day.

[Anonymous]

First of all, OP, your first allegiance needs to be to your WIFE and not your family. So you need to get your priorities straight. Second, you are claiming that this is tearing you and your wife apart-- in other words, only your wife is to blame for your failing marriage. I find that hard to believe. And, I would like to know why only the fact that your wife not talking to your family is what is tearing you all apart. How can that be? Third, consider that your wife may have debilitating anxiety and SHE CAN'T HELP IT!

Honestly, it sounds like you are not a very nice person and that you're behavior is actually a huge contributing factor to the break up of your marriage. You both need counseling, and, OP, YOU need a wake up call.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I expected my spouse to fit in/get along with my family, and he expected likewise of me. That was one of the most important factors tbh.

I wouldn't give someone 10 years worth of chances, though. If it's not working in the first year, it ain't gonna get better.

This is bigger than getting along with the in-laws, though. OP's DW apparently can't get along with people at work, either. That speaks of a larger personality or some type of disorder, for which she won't even acknowledge or get help for. Basically telling OP you have to live with the restrictions that come with a spouse who is negative and cold to other people. That's not healthy for her or their kid, and not fair to ask the OP to live like that.

Keep in mind that you only have OP's interpretation of this situation. I wonder what OP's wife's story is, since I very much doubt that she'd be like, "You're all right, I'm NOT an introvert and am actually a cold bitch!" I don't think that anyone can place too much stock on OP's reports of what former colleagues have said about OP's wife's attitude at work. It sounds like OP's wife does not like large events with OP's family of origin and also like she was not particularly happy at the job they worked at together. I think that it's totally possible for both of those things to be true without indicating a broader pattern of not being able to get along with people or having a personality disorder. As for not getting help for it, it sounds to me like she went to marriage counseling to get help for one of the ways that this "problem" manifests, but who is to say that OP's wife is not happier in a different job or might be grateful not to have to go to big events anymore?

As for telling the OP that he has to live with these restrictions, he does not have to live with them. What he has to do is decide whether these things, if they remain unchanged, are things that he will be able to tolerate. If the answer is no, then what he has to do is file for divorce. He said that's "not an option" which is BS. Getting divorced should be at least as much of an option as requiring his wife to change her personality to be more enjoyable for him.

[Anonymous]

I made it clear from the beginning of our marriage. I'm not spending all our holidays with his family, plus I have my own who live in various states. And our own nuclear family. That doesn't make me a introvert.

I am suspicious as to why he would be talking to co-workers on that level. Not even sure I buy that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I expected my spouse to fit in/get along with my family, and he expected likewise of me. That was one of the most important factors tbh.

I wouldn't give someone 10 years worth of chances, though. If it's not working in the first year, it ain't gonna get better.

This is bigger than getting along with the in-laws, though. OP's DW apparently can't get along with people at work, either. That speaks of a larger personality or some type of disorder, for which she won't even acknowledge or get help for. Basically telling OP you have to live with the restrictions that come with a spouse who is negative and cold to other people. That's not healthy for her or their kid, and not fair to ask the OP to live like that.

Keep in mind that you only have OP's interpretation of this situation. I wonder what OP's wife's story is, since I very much doubt that she'd be like, "You're all right, I'm NOT an introvert and am actually a cold bitch!" I don't think that anyone can place too much stock on OP's reports of what former colleagues have said about OP's wife's attitude at work. It sounds like OP's wife does not like large events with OP's family of origin and also like she was not particularly happy at the job they worked at together. I think that it's totally possible for both of those things to be true without indicating a broader pattern of not being able to get along with people or having a personality disorder. As for not getting help for it, it sounds to me like she went to marriage counseling to get help for one of the ways that this "problem" manifests, but who is to say that OP's wife is not happier in a different job or might be grateful not to have to go to big events anymore?

As for telling the OP that he has to live with these restrictions, he does not have to live with them. What he has to do is decide whether these things, if they remain unchanged, are things that he will be able to tolerate. If the answer is no, then what he has to do is file for divorce. He said that's "not an option" which is BS. Getting divorced should be at least as much of an option as requiring his wife to change her personality to be more enjoyable for him.

I mean, I'm an introvert too, and you do have to set your own boundaries with your spouse and their family members. What you don't have the right to do is sit in a corner and pout and say 'oh it's just my personality'. Just don't go if you're going to act like that.

You're right, people who act that way generally don't want to admit they suck. And this is a person who won't even take her marriage counselor's advice and see an individual counselor. Who knows what the actual issues are? It sounds like neither one of them has the emotional maturity to be equal partners to each other. I agree divorce is definitely a valid option.