Wife always using being an “introvert” as an excuse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
It's social anxiety. She could go to therapy, but only if she wants to change.

Funny you say that, we were in marriage counseling and the counselor told her she should seek therapy on her own to deal with her issues.

What did the marriage counselor tell you that you should work on?

Being more understanding. I’m still working on it, but it’s not easy.

Just like how it’s not easy for an introvert to completely change their emotional hardwiring?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She might be shy and feeling insecure.

You sound like you hate your wife, by the way. Why don't you try to emphasize and approach the situation with kindness? You're more likely to have success that way.

You sound like my wife. I told her I can’t stand her personality and she took it as me saying I can’t stand her. If that were the case, I wouldn’t have married her. I’ve tried to approach it with kindness, but she immediately gets defensive and it starts a fight.

Um, if you can’t stand her personality, what exactly do you love about her? That’s an awful thing to say to a person.

Yeah, I don't get this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"I don't hate you, I hate your personality." If someone said this to you, you wouldn't feel personally attacked?

I'm an introvert, and I can tell you right now, there are times when I would give anything to be an extrovert - happy to engage in superficial conversation about absolutely nothing for hours on end. Over time I've learned how, and so for much of my existence I feel like I'm living someone else's life, being "On" for people, for their benefit. It's absolutely exhausting, and this time of year too is absolute hell with all of the gatherings and family obligations.

It isn't easy being in a relationship with an introvert, especially in a world that simply won't shut the f*ck up. But I have to think there are qualities she brings to the table that you probably are taking for granted. You can either try to understand her, or do yourself (and HER) a favor, and call it a day.

Thank you for this. She’s the only introvert I know so this hasn’t been easy for me. It’s nice to get another introvert’s prospective. But I have to say, I give you a lot of credit for at least trying.

Also - someone mentioned social anxiety above. I'm not a psychologist, but this is absolutely the case for me. For hours beforehand, or sometimes even days, I'm thinking about all the people I'll have to interact with, all the BS conversation. If there's alcohol, then no problem. I can drown the anxiety and feed the part of me that longs to be the life of the party. And it's not like there's anything inherently wrong with BS conversation. It's just that my nature is to form deep bonds with a select few people, and so when I'm forced to have superficial interactions with many different people all the time, it's absolutely draining, and sometimes I just shut down. For this reason I'm prone to bouts of anxiety and depression, something I've learned to manage but still struggle with.

I know it's hard to show compassion for someone you can't understand. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She might be shy and feeling insecure.

You sound like you hate your wife, by the way. Why don't you try to emphasize and approach the situation with kindness? You're more likely to have success that way.

You sound like my wife. I told her I can’t stand her personality and she took it as me saying I can’t stand her. If that were the case, I wouldn’t have married her. I’ve tried to approach it with kindness, but she immediately gets defensive and it starts a fight.

Um, if you can’t stand her personality, what exactly do you love about her? That’s an awful thing to say to a person.

Besides her personality, we have a lot in common.

This has to be a troll, right? No one is this dumb and this forthright about it. Right? Right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"I don't hate you, I hate your personality." If someone said this to you, you wouldn't feel personally attacked?

I'm an introvert, and I can tell you right now, there are times when I would give anything to be an extrovert - happy to engage in superficial conversation about absolutely nothing for hours on end. Over time I've learned how, and so for much of my existence I feel like I'm living someone else's life, being "On" for people, for their benefit. It's absolutely exhausting, and this time of year too is absolute hell with all of the gatherings and family obligations.

It isn't easy being in a relationship with an introvert, especially in a world that simply won't shut the f*ck up. But I have to think there are qualities she brings to the table that you probably are taking for granted. You can either try to understand her, or do yourself (and HER) a favor, and call it a day.

Thank you for this. She’s the only introvert I know so this hasn’t been easy for me. It’s nice to get another introvert’s prospective. But I have to say, I give you a lot of credit for at least trying.

Also - someone mentioned social anxiety above. I'm not a psychologist, but this is absolutely the case for me. For hours beforehand, or sometimes even days, I'm thinking about all the people I'll have to interact with, all the BS conversation. If there's alcohol, then no problem. I can drown the anxiety and feed the part of me that longs to be the life of the party. And it's not like there's anything inherently wrong with BS conversation. It's just that my nature is to form deep bonds with a select few people, and so when I'm forced to have superficial interactions with many different people all the time, it's absolutely draining, and sometimes I just shut down. For this reason I'm prone to bouts of anxiety and depression, something I've learned to manage but still struggle with.

I know it's hard to show compassion for someone you can't understand. Good luck.

I wish alcohol would help, she’s tried that in the past and she still behaved the same way. Now she doesn’t drink at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Especially when it comes to my family. She complains that they don’t acknowledge her and then will find somewhere alone to isolate herself from everyone. She doesn’t talk to anyone, just sits there. She says she’s an introvert, but I find her behavior weird and kind of bitchy. I don’t understand her behavior and neither does anyone in my family that’s why they don’t speak to her. I want her to get help and change her ways because it’s tearing us apart. I’m at my wit’s end!

Being introverted doesn't mean being shy. It doesn't mean being bitchy. It doesn't mean being surly and unfriendly. It means that it is tiring to be "on" when there are people around. It means you get your energy and recharge by being alone and thinking and doing things yourself.

You are right: Your wife isn't being an introvert. She's being a pill. If she wants people to understand her and like her she needs to make the effort to be with them. One at a time, maybe. It is easier for introverts to have one on one conversations and manage a whole day with people. But she can schedule in some alone time ... a walk with the dog or alone, maybe some crossword time sitting in the other room, or even in the same room, just doing her own thing.

She's got to put forth the effort because the only one who she can change is her. You can talk to family and see if they will make an effort to do some more intimate things with her (chat over coffee rather than a game of charades).

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She might be shy and feeling insecure.

You sound like you hate your wife, by the way. Why don't you try to emphasize and approach the situation with kindness? You're more likely to have success that way.

You sound like my wife. I told her I can’t stand her personality and she took it as me saying I can’t stand her. If that were the case, I wouldn’t have married her. I’ve tried to approach it with kindness, but she immediately gets defensive and it starts a fight.

ok troll

[Anonymous]

She may find it easier to interact with others through doing a shared activity rather than simply sitting around and shooting the sh*t.

I'm also an introvert and when I"m hosting I will usually have:
-a table with some craft supplies (like the little kits that you get at Michaels' to make a christmas ornament or somerthing). I assumed that these would be for the kids but my adult relatives apparently also enjoy these.
-a big table with a thousand piece puzzle on it. People can sit down through the day and work on a puzzle.
-You can also step out to walk the dog. DOesn't have to be your dog.

I have some social anxiety and I like all these activities because they're like what a psychologist might call 'parallel play' with young children. YOu're doing things alongside people without actually necessarily having to chat or make eye contact, etc.

If you really want to be understanding, make an effort to create some spaces in your entertaining/house, etc. for everyone to feel comfortable.

[Anonymous]

Being introverted is not synonymous with social anxiety, being shy, being awkward, being stand-offish.

Your wife might have issues or not socialize the way you want her to, but stop saying it’s because she’s introverted.

[Anonymous]

When I was younger I dated a guy like this and I was the one he would talk to and somehow that seemed very romantic and intimate and like he was selective and had chosen ME.

It’s not. It just sucks. And it gets old. Good thing I didn’t marry him.

[Anonymous]

Dude. It's been 10 years. She's not changing. You two aren't compatible. Stop harassing her about it and file for divorce. Moving will be the best thing for both of you.

[Anonymous]

Leave her be. Sounds like she doesn’t care to have a deep bond with your family and they make her uncomfortable (could be nothing personal against them). That should be ok. No one is doing anything “wrong” and she shouldn’t have to go to therapy to make better small talk with your family. Just let it be. Visit them without her or accept she isn’t social and let her interact on whatever level she feels comfortable doing. I really don’t get why this bothers you so much. It sounds like she has always been this way. It isn’t as if she and your mom were BFFs and went shopping together every weekend and now won’t speak to her. You do sound a subpar husband, by the way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Leave her be. Sounds like she doesn’t care to have a deep bond with your family and they make her uncomfortable (could be nothing personal against them). That should be ok. No one is doing anything “wrong” and she shouldn’t have to go to therapy to make better small talk with your family. Just let it be. Visit them without her or accept she isn’t social and let her interact on whatever level she feels comfortable doing. I really don’t get why this bothers you so much. It sounds like she has always been this way. It isn’t as if she and your mom were BFFs and went shopping together every weekend and now won’t speak to her. You do sound a subpar husband, by the way.

don't drag her to all your close knit family gatherings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She may find it easier to interact with others through doing a shared activity rather than simply sitting around and shooting the sh*t.

I'm also an introvert and when I"m hosting I will usually have:
-a table with some craft supplies (like the little kits that you get at Michaels' to make a christmas ornament or somerthing). I assumed that these would be for the kids but my adult relatives apparently also enjoy these.
-a big table with a thousand piece puzzle on it. People can sit down through the day and work on a puzzle.
-You can also step out to walk the dog. DOesn't have to be your dog.

I have some social anxiety and I like all these activities because they're like what a psychologist might call 'parallel play' with young children. YOu're doing things alongside people without actually necessarily having to chat or make eye contact, etc.

If you really want to be understanding, make an effort to create some spaces in your entertaining/house, etc. for everyone to feel comfortable.

Good ideas, I'm going to set these up at my next gathering.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She might be shy and feeling insecure.

You sound like you hate your wife, by the way. Why don't you try to emphasize and approach the situation with kindness? You're more likely to have success that way.

You sound like my wife. I told her I can’t stand her personality and she took it as me saying I can’t stand her. If that were the case, I wouldn’t have married her. I’ve tried to approach it with kindness, but she immediately gets defensive and it starts a fight.

WTF? You realize her personality is part of her, right? it is not easy to change your personality, nor should she have to be someone she isn't. you don't marry someone hoping they will change. after all, you're still an asshole.

I’m not trying to be an asshole, I’m trying to help her become a more social person. I’m very outgoing and it’s hard to have someone by my side that’s not.

OP, stop.

You are being an asshole. You are not trying to help HER with anything. You are trying to change her into who you want her to be. After 10 years, I would personally hope that my husband would know me and love me for who I am. You do not love your wife. I truly don't think that anyone who speaks the way you do about your wife is capable of love.

I'm sooooooooo sorry that it's hard FOR YOU. I can't imagine how difficult it must be for your wife, who knows that her husband doesn't like her and wants to force her to have a different personality. I hope she divorces you.