Wife always using being an “introvert” as an excuse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
It's social anxiety. She could go to therapy, but only if she wants to change.

Funny you say that, we were in marriage counseling and the counselor told her she should seek therapy on her own to deal with her issues.

OP why don't you just keep working on being understanding, and ask your wife to go to therapy for her issues?

I can do that. She doesn’t want to go to therapy because she doesn’t think she has an issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If my husband sat down and asked me about my perspective on family dynamics, and really listened, this is what he'd here:

Your family does not listen to me. They ask me questions but do not listen or remember the answers. EIGHT YEARS IN, they still ask me what my parents do for a living. EIGHT YEARS IN, they say things like, "You have a brother, right?" They only care about assimilating me and making me one of them; they don't care a fig about who I am or what traditions and values matter to me.

Ok but former co-workers have also said she's a B, so now there are unaffiliated groups of people who have flagged her attitude.

[Anonymous]

You are horrible and I hope she leaves you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These kinds of dynamics are rarely totally one-sided, so my guess is that your family is part of the problem in that you’re unwilling to acknowledge. That, in turn, makes your wife dig in even harder on not trying because she’s tired of taking the blame for everyone when you side with your family against her.

It’s not that I’m taking my family’s side, I’m trying to tell her she’s the problem. We use to work together and our coworkers said the same thing about her because she would sit away from everyone during meetings and company events. At some point, she has to acknowledge her role in this.

Did they tell you this directly or are your twisting up something your wife told you her coworkers told her and using it against her? Nasty.

They’ve told both of this when she worked there. They even said how relieved they were when she quit because she had bad energy.

OP, did this not flag for you that she's not a good partner for you? Negative energy at work? From two people?? Yuck.

Time to re-evaluate what's important to you: a DW who has common interests vs. one who is not bitchy to other people.

[Anonymous]

Haha go to therapy because his wife doesn't want to interact with his family. Trying to undermine her to co-workers, unbelievable. A DH should never talk or listen to anything negative about his wife especially from co-workers. Guaranteed OP instigated that conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
It's social anxiety. She could go to therapy, but only if she wants to change.

Funny you say that, we were in marriage counseling and the counselor told her she should seek therapy on her own to deal with her issues.

OP why don't you just keep working on being understanding, and ask your wife to go to therapy for her issues?

I can do that. She doesn’t want to go to therapy because she doesn’t think she has an issue.

Was she up front with the marriage counselor about this?

[Anonymous]

OP try and separate your marriage from your family. That is the real problem. As long as everyone is polite that's all you need to worry about. On holidays visit each others family for a few hours then celebrate as a couple with a child. Sure you could get divorced, but look at all those problems especially with a child involved. That' no fun trust me.

[Anonymous]

Seems like you need to get out the scissors and cut the cord from your family and stop taking their side over your wife's OP. You sound very unpleasant. Poor wife needs a new, more understanding husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
It's social anxiety. She could go to therapy, but only if she wants to change.

Funny you say that, we were in marriage counseling and the counselor told her she should seek therapy on her own to deal with her issues.

OP why don't you just keep working on being understanding, and ask your wife to go to therapy for her issues?

I can do that. She doesn’t want to go to therapy because she doesn’t think she has an issue.

Was she up front with the marriage counselor about this?

Yes she was.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP try and separate your marriage from your family. That is the real problem. As long as everyone is polite that's all you need to worry about. On holidays visit each others family for a few hours then celebrate as a couple with a child. Sure you could get divorced, but look at all those problems especially with a child involved. That' no fun trust me.

Divorce isn’t an option.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP try and separate your marriage from your family. That is the real problem. As long as everyone is polite that's all you need to worry about. On holidays visit each others family for a few hours then celebrate as a couple with a child. Sure you could get divorced, but look at all those problems especially with a child involved. That' no fun trust me.

Divorce isn’t an option.

Or so you think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These kinds of dynamics are rarely totally one-sided, so my guess is that your family is part of the problem in that you’re unwilling to acknowledge. That, in turn, makes your wife dig in even harder on not trying because she’s tired of taking the blame for everyone when you side with your family against her.

Wow PP, you summed it up perfectly.

[Anonymous]

She likely has socisl anxiety. I cant understand how this isbimpacting you. My cousin is married to a woman with this disease. Our family didnt help. He had to learn to attend things and be himself. She came out at funerals and dome weddings to be supportive of him. Most importantly, he loves her and doesnt try to change her. We have all mellowed in our old age and no longer let our insecurities bother us about her behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She likely has socisl anxiety. I cant understand how this isbimpacting you. My cousin is married to a woman with this disease. Our family didnt help. He had to learn to attend things and be himself. She came out at funerals and dome weddings to be supportive of him. Most importantly, he loves her and doesnt try to change her. We have all mellowed in our old age and no longer let our insecurities bother us about her behavior.

OP is not into the “loves her and doesn’t try to change her” part of marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP why don't you just keep working on being understanding, and ask your wife to go to therapy for her issues?

I can do that. She doesn’t want to go to therapy because she doesn’t think she has an issue.

NP here.

OP--a little perspective. I am an extrovert married to an introvert, like you. Over the course of our 17 year marriage and 3 years relationship, we have flourished because we practice what your therapist preaches. My family also exhausts my wife. However, she has made the effort to be more social and accommodating and I have made the effort to be more sensitive and understanding. For example, she makes sure that she is there for big events, parties, dinners. She works hard to make the effort to talk to people and not retreat into her shell. But after dinner, she'll go to our room or an unused room in the house to chill, relax and recharge. She may just sit there on her phone and play games or put a podcast on and lay on the bed. My understanding is that I applaud and appreciate the effort she made to be social during a 1.5-2 hour dinner and don't bother her when she needs another hour or two alone to recharge.

You also both need to work on communication. You both need to acknowledge and appreciate the efforts the other made. Then you need to bend over backwards to make the effort to do more in return. First, look over the events or get togethers with your family. Find the minimum number you would really like her to attend. Let that be the starting point. Next figure out what priorities you need for you two to do things by yourselves, just the two or you. Then any remaining time you can go and do things with your family without her. This way she has a minimal number of events where she has to be more outward going and join the family but it isn't completely overwhelming. Remember that she finds your family's closeness and bonding and social aspects tiring. Show appreciation for the events that she is willing to come out of her shell to join your family and try to participate. Just doing that is likely difficult for her. Then build in time for the two of you to spend time alone. You need to invest time in your relationship in order to nurture it and keep it alive. Relationships do not sustain themselves without both partners actively trying to invest in each other and to devote to each other. They stagnate without that explicit interaction. After that, any time that is remaining, you can go to visit and socialize with your family by yourself without her. Make sure that you acknowledge and show appreciation for the times that she does come out and positively interacts with your family. And likewise, she needs to acknowledge and appreciate when you don't pressure her to do more than she is comfortable with and when you give her passes on attending some of the family functions.

Without doing those things, you are at an impasse. You say that you hoped that she would grow as a person. Instead you are trying to force her to become something that she doesn't want to become and may be daunted by. For example, if you had a friend or partner that was actively trying to get you to do extreme sports with him, and would hound you and push you to do these things, how would you feel? So he wants you to go bungee jumping this week, then go extreme motorbiking next week, the go rock climbing the following week, then skydiving the following week, how would you feel? If you declined or only did a few things, but he always pushed you to do more and complained that you weren't putting yourself out there, that the thrill of danger was so critical and would help you be more fearless in your career and would help you in social interaction, would that help or hurt? If you resisted and he suggested that you needed to get therapy to change the way you think and to be more open to doing thrilling dangerous activities would you be open and receptive? This is what it feels like to her as you pressure her.

Good luck. If you both cannot do what the therapist says, you being more sympathetic, understanding and appreciative of her, and her making the effort to be slightly more social and interactive, you will not stop the erosion of your marriage. Marriage is about compromise. You both have to be willing to see the other's perspectives and move towards each other where you differ rather than pulling away. If you can't take a step towards your partner on areas where there is tension, then the tension will grow and tear your relationship and marriage apart.