Wife always using being an “introvert” as an excuse

[Anonymous]

Social anxiety. See a dr.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She might be shy and feeling insecure.

You sound like you hate your wife, by the way. Why don't you try to emphasize and approach the situation with kindness? You're more likely to have success that way.

You sound like my wife. I told her I can’t stand her personality and she took it as me saying I can’t stand her. If that were the case, I wouldn’t have married her. I’ve tried to approach it with kindness, but she immediately gets defensive and it starts a fight.

I can’t imagine why your wife would get defensive when you told her you “can’t stand her personality.”

[Anonymous]

This isn't about introversion OP. She may be calling it that but it isn't.

Most introverts can be as social as they need to be for an event or for work or for a holiday. They likely find it exhausting and they can't get to get away from it but in the moment they can be social. Introverts have a range of social skills - some can put on an almost social butterfly image, others are quieter but they still mix and mingle.

I know dozens of introverts and none act the way your wife does. It is possible she just isn't someone to put effort in. She doesn't care what people think, doesn't like people, doesn't want to put effort in, and doesn't have great social skills. Or maybe she could have a personality disorder - avoidant personality disorder?

At the end of the day it sounds like she has been like this for a long time and isn't invested in changing which makes it your problem and not hers. You have to decide if you want to live your life with someone who won't socialize or interact with others. Don't have kids with her because that is not a good trait for a parent. Your kids will end up isolated as well.

It might be time to move on and kind someone more compatible.

[Anonymous]

OP, with your unloving attitude, I would not change or give an inch. You need to try with sincere kindness to see her perspective. You seem really lacking in empathy. She probably feels rejected by both you and your family & has simply given up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let her figure out her career on her own. As for your family you are married to her not them. Let her interact the way she feels comfortable. And go to events on your own, so what she can stay home. I don't always like being at my DH's family, it's his family not mine so he can go without me at times. Make your own family traditions, and stop being so intertwined with yours. Does she have family?

She has family. She interacts with them a little more which is understandable.

[Anonymous]

Is there one of your family members that she feels a little more comfortable with? I would try to encourage her to meet one-on-one (or get away from the gathering with one person) in order to develop a stronger bond. If she can do this with some of your relatives, the group gatherings will go much better.

I have a hard time with large groups (for many reasons) and I often seek out one low-key person to go on an errand with me (even a made-up errand). It makes such a difference to my sense of well being. My shy niece and I do this all the time .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Especially when it comes to my family. She complains that they don’t acknowledge her and then will find somewhere alone to isolate herself from everyone. She doesn’t talk to anyone, just sits there. She says she’s an introvert, but I find her behavior weird and kind of bitchy. I don’t understand her behavior and neither does anyone in my family that’s why they don’t speak to her. I want her to get help and change her ways because it’s tearing us apart. I’m at my wit’s end!

If they are so talkative and friendly, why don’t they acknowledge her and know how to make conversation?

It’s hard to do when she isolate herself from everyone. It gives off the vibe that she doesn’t want to be bothered or too good to join in with everyone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These kinds of dynamics are rarely totally one-sided, so my guess is that your family is part of the problem in that you’re unwilling to acknowledge. That, in turn, makes your wife dig in even harder on not trying because she’s tired of taking the blame for everyone when you side with your family against her.

It’s not that I’m taking my family’s side, I’m trying to tell her she’s the problem. We use to work together and our coworkers said the same thing about her because she would sit away from everyone during meetings and company events. At some point, she has to acknowledge her role in this.

Did they tell you this directly or are your twisting up something your wife told you her coworkers told her and using it against her? Nasty.

They’ve told both of this when she worked there. They even said how relieved they were when she quit because she had bad energy.

[Anonymous]

If my husband sat down and asked me about my perspective on family dynamics, and really listened, this is what he'd here:

Your family does not listen to me. They ask me questions but do not listen or remember the answers. EIGHT YEARS IN, they still ask me what my parents do for a living. EIGHT YEARS IN, they say things like, "You have a brother, right?" They only care about assimilating me and making me one of them; they don't care a fig about who I am or what traditions and values matter to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This isn't about introversion OP. She may be calling it that but it isn't.

Most introverts can be as social as they need to be for an event or for work or for a holiday. They likely find it exhausting and they can't get to get away from it but in the moment they can be social. Introverts have a range of social skills - some can put on an almost social butterfly image, others are quieter but they still mix and mingle.

I know dozens of introverts and none act the way your wife does. It is possible she just isn't someone to put effort in. She doesn't care what people think, doesn't like people, doesn't want to put effort in, and doesn't have great social skills. Or maybe she could have a personality disorder - avoidant personality disorder?

At the end of the day it sounds like she has been like this for a long time and isn't invested in changing which makes it your problem and not hers. You have to decide if you want to live your life with someone who won't socialize or interact with others. Don't have kids with her because that is not a good trait for a parent. Your kids will end up isolated as well.

It might be time to move on and kind someone more compatible.

We have a child. So far, it doesn’t seem like she’s picked up her traits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These kinds of dynamics are rarely totally one-sided, so my guess is that your family is part of the problem in that you’re unwilling to acknowledge. That, in turn, makes your wife dig in even harder on not trying because she’s tired of taking the blame for everyone when you side with your family against her.

It’s not that I’m taking my family’s side, I’m trying to tell her she’s the problem. We use to work together and our coworkers said the same thing about her because she would sit away from everyone during meetings and company events. At some point, she has to acknowledge her role in this.

Did they tell you this directly or are your twisting up something your wife told you her coworkers told her and using it against her? Nasty.

They’ve told both of this when she worked there. They even said how relieved they were when she quit because she had bad energy.

I don’t think gossiping with your coworkers about your wife is going to help anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These kinds of dynamics are rarely totally one-sided, so my guess is that your family is part of the problem in that you’re unwilling to acknowledge. That, in turn, makes your wife dig in even harder on not trying because she’s tired of taking the blame for everyone when you side with your family against her.

It’s not that I’m taking my family’s side, I’m trying to tell her she’s the problem. We use to work together and our coworkers said the same thing about her because she would sit away from everyone during meetings and company events. At some point, she has to acknowledge her role in this.

Did they tell you this directly or are your twisting up something your wife told you her coworkers told her and using it against her? Nasty.

They’ve told both of this when she worked there. They even said how relieved they were when she quit because she had bad energy.

I don’t think gossiping with your coworkers about your wife is going to help anything.

More and more I'm seeing who is the real problem in the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is there one of your family members that she feels a little more comfortable with? I would try to encourage her to meet one-on-one (or get away from the gathering with one person) in order to develop a stronger bond. If she can do this with some of your relatives, the group gatherings will go much better.

I have a hard time with large groups (for many reasons) and I often seek out one low-key person to go on an errand with me (even a made-up errand). It makes such a difference to my sense of well being. My shy niece and I do this all the time .

She’s comfortable with my mom and they get along well when it’s one on one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
It's social anxiety. She could go to therapy, but only if she wants to change.

Funny you say that, we were in marriage counseling and the counselor told her she should seek therapy on her own to deal with her issues.

OP why don't you just keep working on being understanding, and ask your wife to go to therapy for her issues?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there one of your family members that she feels a little more comfortable with? I would try to encourage her to meet one-on-one (or get away from the gathering with one person) in order to develop a stronger bond. If she can do this with some of your relatives, the group gatherings will go much better.

I have a hard time with large groups (for many reasons) and I often seek out one low-key person to go on an errand with me (even a made-up errand). It makes such a difference to my sense of well being. My shy niece and I do this all the time .

She’s comfortable with my mom and they get along well when it’s one on one.

That's great. Ask your mom to do some short one-on-one things with your wife during family gatherings (quick errand, helping in the kitchen, sorting photos). Then tell the rest of your clan to knock it off about your wife. Tell them it isn't personal, that she just has a very hard time with large groups. Try to stick up for her more with your family.